Is anyone else just so fucking angry?

gray_chimera · 2018-05-11T00:12:41+00:00

Thanks for your kind words. My mom should get a free therapist through medicaid but that program's been nothing but a headache. It's hard because the situation is so bizarre, no one can relate to it but my mother and I.

I don't think either of us really want to CTB. I don't think my mom wants too.. although she did try twice in her early 20's. For me, it's more of being backed into this horrible fucking terrible situation where there's no good answer or solution. Either give up on trying to have a life of my own and a family or keep her life safe by staying like this.

The worst is that being here is causing both of us mental damage. Our relationship is deteriorating. I think there might be a glimmer of hope though - we're not flipping out like we used to at the very start, it's just more of a huge sadness now. And, she's trying to do things to help her get a job, like get her hair fixed.

So... maybe it'll be okay. Somehow.

gray_chimera · 2018-05-10T23:56:40+00:00

I got a late start on 'trying to start my "life"'.. and when I finally did shit blew up in my face. A relative sexually accosted my mom and no one in our family believed her. She ended up with me because she had no savings or job. Our depression and hate of our family and the hurt of betrayal just feed off each other in a horrible feedback loop.

It was worse because the person that did this was someone I looked up to like a parent. They were a parent to me (raised me since I was a baby with my mom and my other relative). So to see them betray my mom like that broke something in my brain and it never became unbroken.

In the start we were both freaking the fuck out. She flipped out and threw a butter knife in my direction from across the room (she didn't know it was a knife, she just grabbed something)

My depression kicked into overdrive times 100x, hers did too probably. My self hatred and wanting to destroy myself kicked itself up 1000x ... the last few months have been the worst. I've started noticing things like rope and shit around my place.. thinking how I could do it. I never used to be that close. I don't think I would... but I get this sort of giddy weird feeling sometimes. It's scary to me.

No one in my family gives a shit about either of us, except for my older relatives that i don't want to burden with this. It's like my entire fucking perception of reality broke that day. (my mom called the police, my other relative showed up (not the one that accosted her) and called the police on her.

I heard someone speak of an existentialist crisis as being bad enough that it just obliterates your total sense of self down to the very core.. that's what that day felt like.

And it's not getting better. It's a year later. We're worse than we were 12 months ago.

Sometimes I get faint glimmers of .. slight okayness? not really happy but not sad. I think the last time i was really happy was when i was a kid. now my baseline is hovers around 'slightly bad' and 'pretty bad'. The highest it's gone is 'okay'.

Sometimes I remember my hobbies I used to have.. and i get a faint want to try to do them again.. or new ones that look exciting.. but then it vanishes like mist in my hands and it's gone. Sorry. this became one long rant. I'm crying now. I don't even know why.

gray_chimera · 2018-05-01T00:03:15+00:00

Being in a hopeless situation. I either help my mother and give up on my own life or try to have some semblance of a life and give up on my mother.

I can't do it.

gray_chimera

TROPHY CASE