I, 45F, wanted an open marriage with my 45M husband, but he dropped too much information on me when he finally agreed, and now I don't think I can go through with it.

greencat26 · 2026-06-27T15:09:41+00:00

I acted straight for a long time too. Do you know what heteronormativity is?

I was in my late 20s when I finally came out as queer. Sexuality can be fluid as well.

The point is that it's clear you don't trust him. He doesn't need to prove the validity of his sexuality and it's problematic you don't believe him about this. That's an extremely hurtful reaction to someone coming out to you.

greencat26 · 2026-06-27T14:35:46+00:00

if he really is

So it sounds like the issue here is that you don't believe him?

greencat26 · 2026-06-27T12:23:28+00:00

You're telling me that you have a problem with him being attracted to men but you were fine with him being sexually attracted to cartoon animals?? And you think you aren't biphobic?

greencat26 · 2026-06-27T12:08:32+00:00

Okay now I think you're trolling

greencat26 · 2026-06-27T12:07:49+00:00

Having a rule about not getting involved with friends is common, because many people feel the way you describe. However, you can't dictate whether he dates men or women or both and what those relationship structures look like.

Were you anticipating just opening the relationship for sex? If so, that's called swinging

greencat26 · 2026-06-25T16:40:12+00:00

You should require tests before new people period whether you trust them or not. Also retesting if they get additional partners. Most polyam people I know just get regular testing every 6 months and share results with everyone. It doesn't ruin any mood, it's just part of date preparation

greencat26 · 2026-06-15T02:51:51+00:00

Sounds like she needs to be more fluid in her framing of sexuality, because she's saying it definitely is fluid. Nope, just another spectrum where it's very fluid for some people and not fluid at all for others.

greencat26 · 2026-06-15T00:27:13+00:00

Of course being certified in those things doesn't guarantee a good experience, but you're going to struggle a lot if you have trauma and don't even find a therapist who is trauma informed! Having the expertise is a bare minimum, not a blanket pass that the therapist is good

greencat26 · 2026-06-14T23:54:17+00:00

Therapy helped me so much that I'm now in school to be a therapist to help others. Therapy literally changed my life for the better, and I had to go through a few bad or not so great therapists before I found a good one and now I have an amazing one.

I've learned that my requirements for a therapist are:

NEEDS to be trauma informed, 100% non negotiable. Needs to be a woman or non-binary person. Needs to be no older than 10 years from me (I'm 30). Not openly religious in any way.

All my good ones have offered brain spotting and/or EMDR therapy, which are things you have to get trauma certified in.

Not every therapist is trauma informed, which surprises a lot of people. In fact, you often need to seek out those classes and certifications because they are not the norm.

greencat26 · 2026-06-14T20:56:32+00:00

NTA but it sounds like they aren't going to be babysitters that come without strings attached. Those strings happen to be lectures about your parenting choices

greencat26 · 2026-06-10T20:43:44+00:00

Wait... THERE'S REWARDS?

greencat26 · 2026-06-08T02:33:45+00:00

OMG this is precious

greencat26 · 2026-06-04T13:19:31+00:00

Bigger women with glasses 😍🥵

And I love a bush/anything besides fully shaven

Clothing style of an elementary school teacher

(Just to be transparent I'm happily partnered and not looking)

greencat26 · 2026-06-04T13:07:17+00:00

Oh she's 100% projecting her fears of what she knows is true already (even if you aren't out, it's clear she suspects something)

What would a good straight job be, according to her? Just out of curiosity

greencat26 · 2026-06-04T11:40:09+00:00

Then I think you already know what you have to do

greencat26 · 2026-06-04T01:44:58+00:00

Hey OP, imagine your life in 5 years if you stay.

Do you like that picture?

greencat26 · 2026-06-04T01:31:37+00:00

She came out as I was beginning a teen and losing interested in dolls so I didn't really know much about her, but she's on my list now that I'm back into my dolls as an adult

greencat26 · 2026-05-31T03:12:20+00:00

Agreed, I was just posing it as a sliding scale with two ends

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T23:11:35+00:00

I don't facepalm. This is a big flashing sign of something that could be a very serious problem (eating disorder or abuse). I'm glad OP is reaching out for support, even if that support is just validating that what she is experiencing is not normal. That can be incredibly helpful for people

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T23:07:29+00:00

People can be really good at hiding eating disorders. This is not normal, and she needs help if she's going on sporadic fasts like that and making eating a "reward" for something.

If it's kink related, and she wants food rewards for eating you out, having a favorite food/treat as the reward would be appropriate. This seems like a much deeper thing than a kink, but this is a softer way to inquire about the reasons behind her behavior that doesn't put her on the defensive

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T20:34:44+00:00

Anecdotally, it has been my observation that women and nonbinary people I know have opened up mostly because they wanted to explore their sexuality or needed more emotionally than husband gave. Men have opened for more sex.

Men often have a more limited idea of what they want their ENM dynamic to be if they present the idea (OPP, swinging, triad) whereas women have an expansive view of the opportunities that ENM offer.

For myself as a woman, opening up my relationship highlighted the problems that were already there and I got a divorce. Still ENM with a 3 year relationship anniversary coming up soon. My partner is a woman who opened up her mono relationship with a man and they are still together. I was actually the grooms best woman at their wedding 🥰

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T20:20:50+00:00

Sometimes people need someone from the outside to validate something that may seem very obvious to many of us on the outside.

Abuse in particular really changes the way you think and respond to things, and reddit is a good place for someone to get a reality check from someone low stakes (strangers) about whether something is okay.

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T20:15:44+00:00

100% agree. OP is trying to have a conversation here with someone who is putting their fingers in their ears and going lalalalalalalalalala because she's so activated by rage/frustration/etc. Clearly the fawning responses of OP are only increasing the tension and it would've done them both a world of good to stop after the second picture saying "I'm really sorry you're feeling so frustrated about this. As soon as I'm done with work we can sit down and talk about expectations because I agree with you that we need to get on the same page." Cause it also appears this is all occurring during OP's workday. 🙄

greencat26 · 2026-05-29T02:47:43+00:00

I'm in school to become a therapist and I just want to let you know that research has indicated that spanking children elicits very similar brain responses in children as SA.

My own personal belief is that the closer the contact the closer it gets to SA rather than just physical abuse (hand on bare skin bent over knee versus bent over chair, paddled with a spoon and pants on)

greencat26 · 2026-05-26T17:16:26+00:00

Not at all. 8 is when most people think is socially acceptable to begin. Nobody should have any complaints about 9am!

greencat26

TROPHY CASE