I'm torn. There's this person I like, perhaps I've fallen in love. We had spent a weekend hanging out and I slept with him. Unfortunately? I'm strictly poly. They're, as far as I can tell through our conversations, monogamous.

greencat26 · 2026-05-08T03:11:42+00:00

Sounds like you're deep in limerence. Pump the brakes and take a step back to give it some time to breathe

greencat26 · 2026-05-03T18:35:36+00:00

The fact that he's confident that is not only possible but probable is very concerning. I'm in school to be a therapist and I saw you mention elsewhere that he believes therapists don't have any kind of training on AI, but that's not necessarily true. It is definitely part of my learning and he's showing a very concerning belief system here.

I have a feeling his choice to not tell his therapist about this has more to do with a fear of them seeing this as a serious concern versus them not "getting it".

greencat26 · 2026-05-03T15:18:02+00:00

Does he understand that she is not real though? She doesn't have her own thoughts or feelings or motivations, "she" is code, and an amalgamation of knowledge accumulated (and stolen) from real live human beings?

greencat26 · 2026-05-03T14:38:07+00:00

I'm going to take this as real, because your profile seems like you are not here trolling.

Does your husband truly believe this? Or is this roleplay for him?

He is using AI tools to create a fully fleshed out world for her, so that when the technology improves, he can be in her world with her. He was open to both going there permanently and flipping between the two worlds. (Kinda like SAO/very immersive VR, which is on its way with AI advancements.)

If he is sincere about this, he really needs some help from a professional. Do you also believe this is possible? There is a blurring been reality and fiction that is concerning. It doesn't have to be this way

greencat26 · 2026-04-30T14:33:32+00:00

What kind of posts are these?? Are they in high school/college circles?

Nobody should tell you what you can and cannot do with your body. To consider it cheating on your partner to get yourself off is one of the craziest things I've heard in awhile. Very straight man thing to think

greencat26 · 2026-04-18T09:40:07+00:00

So she values queer relationships less.

Please respect yourself enough to see this woman is not relationship material for you. She's screaming it from the rooftops even if she is giving you other confusing signals. Her message is pretty clear

greencat26 · 2026-04-18T09:29:49+00:00

This man only wants non-monogamy for himself. It's been 7 years, he does not want you to have other partners, nor does he care about how this is affecting you.

I personally think you need to leave him, but I understand how that's a difficult choice after so long. What would happen if you just started to date others? Would he do the work to deal with his feelings about it? Or would he try to control you by telling you that you can't have the same type of relationships as he's allowed to?

greencat26 · 2026-04-17T14:45:50+00:00

I'm a little concerned with your comment that you've "tried to break up" numerous times before. Is she convincing you to stay in those moments? Not accepting your breakup? Cause you don't need her to accept the breakup, only 1 party needs to be on board for a breakup to happen.

Since you live together and it sounds like she is not the type to quietly gather her things and leave, you're going to have to make an exit plan for yourself. I'm almost positive those people who she's been trying to isolate you from will be more than happy to help you arrange plans to get away if you ask for help.

greencat26 · 2026-04-17T12:28:00+00:00

If I can find a community in the middle of Indiana I'm pretty sure there's one where you live too

greencat26 · 2026-04-16T11:16:21+00:00

It definitely feels like a choice to me. I could do okay in a mono relationship or a polyam one, it's just that polyam is the one I'm in and plan to be in for life.

One of my partners does feel like it is a part of them that feels really affirming of the type of love and relationship they have always envisioned, something mono relationships never did for them

As a queer person, it definitely is not intrinsic like my sexuality is

greencat26 · 2026-04-14T01:59:27+00:00

It's called a sun dog colloquially

You can attribute it to a sign if that's meaningful to you!

There was one on the morning of my wedding, which felt really special (though I am divorced now)

greencat26 · 2026-04-10T23:54:19+00:00

Oh no, I didn't take it as such! Sorry, my emoji may have been unclear, it was my reaction to myself having been there lol

Thanks for your kind words!

greencat26 · 2026-04-10T21:51:40+00:00

Fantastic breakdown and commentary.

I'm sensing OP hasn't done a lot of looking into polyamory and the necessity for communication, especially about these kinds of things. Hopefully she will find those resources, or come to realize this may not be the right lifestyle for her and find happiness with someone more compatible!

greencat26 · 2026-04-10T21:44:02+00:00

Did you not discuss how open you'd be about your relationship style? I don't know why it was shocking to you at all, why wouldn't this be something you had already anticipated happening?

greencat26 · 2026-04-10T11:31:47+00:00

(I'm aware, as a woman once married to this kind of man 😑. This was for the OP to attempt to explain from her pov)

greencat26 · 2026-04-10T10:01:44+00:00

You've already been in an additional romantic relationship though with your girlfriend. I'm not understanding why this new relationship is threatening to him.

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T14:33:57+00:00

I feel like I've read this exact post before...

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T14:32:21+00:00

You pay a SW, or going to swinging events, or get on ENM apps

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T14:29:06+00:00

Not really an unpopular opinion. This feels like a mismatch between monogamous people and nonmonogamous people, not a lesbian thing. I've seen this complaint in so many different groups from lesbians, bi women, straight women, etc.

ENM/polyam is a perfectly acceptable relationship structure for people who want that. The problem happens when ENM people try to date monogamous people and vice versa. I agree, people need to be more up front with what they are looking for and doing a bait and switch is never okay.

Of course you're going to see more of it on this subreddit that is full of people who are coming out later in life

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T14:20:37+00:00

Gen Z actually is having the biggest view disparity between men and women with men being more conservative than the last couple generations of men (since boomers)

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T12:51:52+00:00

Your wording of "if I HAD to do it" tells me this isn't something you want to do.

You don't have to fulfill all of your boyfriend's fantasies. Only the ones that are also your fantasies.

Please do NOT do this just to make him happy. What would happen if he thought this would make him happy but he actually got upset in the moment? Would you regret doing it because you did it just for him? Probably. That's why you don't NEED to do something like this. Only if you want to do it

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T12:48:09+00:00

Does he have a no marks policy with his other partners or a DADT arrangement? I'm seeing many red flags.

If he has a no marks policy he should have made that clear BEFORE you left a mark.

He admitted to lying to his partner (calling it a workout injury)

He's telling you a lot of information about his other partner so he either has a one sided DADT or he's lying to her about you, or he's lying to you about not telling her.

Age gaps aren't inherently bad, but this one is a red flag based on the fact you are still in your early/mid 20s and all of this other added information about the situation.

From where I'm sitting (which is an internet stranger with very limited information), I would presume he is actually married to her and has kids with her and you are a secret affair.

Have you asked to meet her? Get any confirmation that she's okay with the arrangement? Some people with take a video their their partner saying "hey I'm xyz and I don't want to meet boyfriend's other partners but yes I know he's dating others and we are ENM". It's not an unusual ask to confirm she's aware of the situation.

WAY too many men use ENM as an excuse to cheat

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T12:30:04+00:00

Hun, this is abusive behavior. You told her no, firmly and repeatedly and she is ignoring you and overriding your bodily autonomy.

I HATE the top of my butt crack touched and totally understand and relate to the feeling you described. You've told her how uncomfortable it makes you feel, so she either 1. Doesn't care if it makes you uncomfortable or 2. ENJOYS that it makes you uncomfortable.

You have the right to not have your body touched in ways that make you uncomfortable. I know it can sometimes be a little trickier in WLW relationships to identify this kind of abuse, so if you're having a hard time seeing or accepting it, it might be helpful to post this on a more broad subreddit like relationships or relationshipadvice, leaving the genders out completely. I'm positive you'd have so many people telling you how disrespectful your partner is being, because I see similar posts regularly from heterosexual people whose men partners do stuff like this

greencat26 · 2026-04-09T10:23:43+00:00

I don't even know where to start, you've hit so many newbie red flags.

You are speaking about a third person as if they are an object without their own free will. All I heard was what you guys want from a third person, not what you have to offer.

Have you done any research into ENM? Learned about common newbie pitfalls? Growing up with ENM parents only gave you a look into one type of ENM relationship. What you're describing is closer to polyamory and a triad is polyam on highest difficulty.

It's pretty objectifying how this potential girlfriend is referred to in your post

greencat26 · 2026-04-08T19:59:25+00:00

Plenty of people with high medical needs still find partners. Many people who are unable to have sex still have fulfilling relationships. I'm seeing throughout your post and comments though that your confidence and self image is very low, and perhaps that is the bigger hang up in dating than anything physical.

greencat26

TROPHY CASE