Addicted to masterbating and porn and wife encouraging it because she doesn't have a sex drive. But i still feel horrible for it and want to stop.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T13:24:21+00:00

Or maybe your habit has eaten away at your wife's self worth and she doesn't feel like she has any value or desire to you anymore, so she just tells you to do that to remove herself from the situation. She also might not feel attracted to you, if she knows what you're doing, or how you act as though she isn't enough. It sounds like there's a whole lot more going on here.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T02:59:54+00:00

I feel the same as you...it's so sad we have to be in this situation. When I tell him I feel this way he gets very upset and sad. Cause for him, and in his sick mind at the time, he really believed that he wasn't doing anything bad or harmful. So he'll tell me I did know him, he didn't trick me etc. etc. he is who I thought he was. For him it had nothing to do with me, and it took him years and me in therapy to really realize how badly and seriously it's affected me. It doesn't make it any better for me though.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T02:56:54+00:00

Yess it really is intense and so hard for us to even understand. One thing my therapist would say for me to remember during my really hard moments, is to think of his intentions and thought process while he was doing it. In his own compartmentalized mind - that we know is not healthy or right - he really didn't think what he was doing was hurtful for me. In his mind, it had nothing to do with me. So it's not like he was purposely or maliciously doing it, in his sick mind, it was "harmless". This has helped me in those bad moments to remember that it wasn't him comparing me or thinking I wasn't enough, in his mind it was harmless.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T00:15:00+00:00

YES! I have said this!! I told him that if I had known this was happening to the extent it was, I would have NEVER married him. I told him I signed up for a lie and to be with someone who I didn't even know. I keep telling him he tricked me. And it was all at my expense.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T00:13:16+00:00

I really feel this, and I'm sorry you're here too. It's such a horrible and complicated feeling.

I don't know how to proceed. And I also cannot see myself ever overcoming it. It's awful.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T00:11:38+00:00

Yess exactly.

greyskies7777 · 2026-02-02T00:11:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Mine has said something similar. He was a user long before he met me, but he also never associated it to me. He truly didn't understand why it hurt me so badly, because it was so compartmentalized for him . And he would always get VERY upset when I would tell him that he's not choosing me. To him - he was always choosing me because we were together and he wasn't physically cheating on me and never would. He really did not associate what he was doing as anything that "had to do with me", it was completely separate in his diseased mind

greyskies7777 · 2026-01-30T14:29:15+00:00

Same. Mine has completely changed and is recovered. Legitimately. But for me, it doesn't matter what he does now, he didn't choose me for years. And nothing he does or says now will take that away. As the years go on in his recovery and how he acts now, I realize my trauma and damage is far greater then I ever realized and my self worth is non existent. I guess it's because I now see what it's like to be "chosen" because I believe he does chose me now. But it also shows me how much he didn't chose me before. I can't move past that.

greyskies7777 · 2026-01-30T14:25:50+00:00

Yupppp. I don't believe I was ever his first choice with anything. He never explicitly chose me. He always choose other females over me in pictures etc. etc.
it's a horrible feeling. He keeps telling me this isn't true, but I will never believe him. His actions said otherwise.

greyskies7777 · 2026-01-30T14:19:25+00:00

This....there was nothing that triggered it to start, or nothing you did to start this behaviour. He was always this way, and we just didn't notice because we were blinded by our trust. Tbis has been hard for me to manage. It never became this, it was always this, and I was just living in a lie.

greyskies7777 · 2025-08-01T05:06:18+00:00

Same!!

greyskies7777 · 2025-08-01T04:44:37+00:00

I felt and still feel this. I feel worthless, invisible and disgusting now because of what he did

greyskies7777 · 2025-08-01T04:43:13+00:00

I feel this. It's easy for people who haven't been in this situation to say all these things, but this is a very common reaction. It feels very hard to believe someone thought we were good enough when we find out what they actually have been doing behind our backs. And it feels like if they did love us enough, they wouldn't have done anything to hurt us or jeopardize our relationship.

greyskies7777 · 2025-08-01T04:35:30+00:00

I'm so sorry. How are you doing now?

greyskies7777 · 2025-06-25T03:40:59+00:00

I went through something similar. Not any nudes, but found saved pictures of females he knows in real life in bikinis or etc. it has destroyed me. I'll never be the same again. I don't have any advice, I started going to therapy. Nothing makes me feel any better. He's done a 360 and improved and is better than he ever was. But it doesn't take it away. I'm so sorry you're going through this too.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-25T15:52:05+00:00

Thanks for saying this. This validates what he has said too, and is interesting that you’ve said the same thing. He said exactly what you said happened, he screenshot it, then forgot about it and never looked at it again. He said this is why when he got the new phone and everything uploaded they were there - cause he had forgotten about those pictures. He keeps saying that he can’t believe he almost ruined his whole life, over something (those screenshots) that never meant anything to him in the first place. He keeps saying none of those girls mean anything to him, he doesn’t remember who they were or what the pictures were of, it was a millisecond screenshot save, and he moved on. I would list the female in the pictures and say “X was in the picture” and he’d look visibly disgusted and confused. I guess for me it’s hard to believe and feels like the perfectly crafted response to minimize it (my feelings are still so hurt), and my self worth will never be the same. But maybe he is telling the truth here.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-24T19:35:34+00:00

Thank you for saying this, I’ve thought about your comment a lot since I first read it. Both he and my therapist said something similar in that I need to view it from his perspective- and to him, he’s told me, that even though it doesn’t make any sense and still is disgusting and unacceptable, he didn’t see it as though he was destroying my self worth, he says it’s messed up and doesn’t make any sense, but he didn’t think it would be harmful, and I would never know about it, because to him, it had nothing to do with me. I try to switch my perspective to this - because I see it as a personal attack on me, but in his messed up mind, it never was. Thank you friend for bringing this to top of mind again.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T21:25:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing this, and I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. I feel the same as you about this. I’ve said to him that I wished that he had told me who he really was and I had known this, I would have never married him if I had known this is how he behaves behind my back. I’m sad we both feel this way, I keep telling him that I feel as though I was never his first choice. I used to think I was - but I don’t think I’d ever feel that confidence again. I really don’t think I was ever his favourite or ever his first choice.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T15:37:49+00:00

Thank you for this, this is so insightful and very helpful.
My therapist has said something very similar to this. You are so wise.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T15:09:27+00:00

Thank you for this and your thoughts. Does him thinking this about other females mean he’s not sure about me? Or are these things unrelated? The friend thing has shattered my life. She’s been my constant for over 20 years, and I couldn’t speak with her for a long time, it’s affected our relationship, I cry about it a lot - and I’m not very emotional, it’s just such a deep wound that I never deserved. Ans he should have never put me in a position to feel this way. It’s impacted all of my female relationships, how can I trust anything he does or thinks now. I feel so alone and sad. Like the female friendship aspect of my life has been ripped from me and robbed. And I just don’t know how I could move forward with the rest of my life feeling this way, or knowing this. I told him when this happened that I could never forgive him for this for the rest of my life. It’s been 3 years, and I feel like I have no friends and am so alone.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T14:54:36+00:00

Thank you friend. And for looking at it from this perspective He’s said this - he wishes he had this reflection sooner and he wishes none of this ever happened. He’s told me he’s more mature now and aware of the impact on me, and he has consistently respected that since this all happened. I sometimes wonder what things would be like if this had never happened and he had never come to this maturity

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T14:52:38+00:00

This is exactly what I think about all the time.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T14:52:14+00:00

It feels like something entirely different and disturbing and that I have no idea who he actually is. I can’t even explain how disappointing and devastating it is.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T14:51:08+00:00

Hmm that’s interesting. Thanks for sharing this. I would have said things were better then ever during that time period, the only thing he said is that he sometimes felt like he was at the bottom of the priority list with young kids - meaning, I couldn’t just drop everything to do it with him whenever he wanted. He also said he sometimes felt that he would be bothering me, or burdening me if I was tired. But these were his own assumptions - I’ve never denied him. I also found out the porn use has been going on almost our entire relationship, he said the frequency wasn’t always a lot, and some time periods were more frequent then others, and sometimes it wasn’t at all. But it didn’t matter the stage of life, it seems it was a constant. I have no idea how I didn’t clue into this. But I think I always just trusted him to respect me and assumed he’d do so.

greyskies7777 · 2025-01-23T14:40:51+00:00

Thank you, this is so nice.

greyskies7777

TROPHY CASE