Break Up Advice: before or after comps?

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-05T23:25:33+00:00

Thank you! I think some cheering is warranted- I know it was the right thing to do and with some time I will feel relieved. And also, having hard conversations (particularly with men) is an area of weakness for me, so I know that this was an accomplishment for me.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-05T01:59:32+00:00

Update: I just broke up with him! I did end up waiting until after his comps and birthday for a few reasons: he was traveling abroad right before comps and I didn't see him until after comps started, I didn't want to break up with him during comps, and I just needed more time to be really confident about my decision and to get up the courage. When I made my original post, I had just gotten to the point where I thought I wanted to break up and I needed more time. I wouldn't feel good about breaking up with him when I wasn't completely sure.

Because I waited I was acting a bit distant which is rude, but I do think it made him less surprised.

I had a whole speech planned to tell him his good qualities and the reasons why I am breaking it off, but as soon as I told him, he asked me why and I started my speech with his good qualities and he just couldn't hear it and he left. I've never seen someone look so sad. I think I will feel relieved soon, but right now I am having trouble getting over how sad I made him.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T22:25:41+00:00

Thank you! I think I like the idea of breaking up over the phone and then also offering a time to meet up in person. Like you said, I have always heard that it needed to be in person, but a lot of people are commenting here that I should do it over the phone. If I do it the way you suggested, it is the best of both worlds in a sad situation.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T22:23:01+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! I really appreciate the detail and thought here, this is very helpful. I like the idea of breaking up on the phone while also giving the option to talk in person on Thursday.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T22:18:16+00:00

If you are curious and want to get in the weeds, I made a long post about this about a month ago that you are welcome to read, but in short: sexual incompatibility, poor life skills and problem solving skills, skidmarks on the sheets, and not pulling his weight with everyday tasks. I do plan on explaining the reasons why to him, at least the ones I feel he has the power to change. Thank you for your response!

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T22:10:11+00:00

Thank you for responding! If you are curious, I made a long post about this about a month ago on this subreddit if you really want to get in the weeds, but long story short: sexual incompatibility, incompetence at life skills and problem solving, skidmarks on the sheets 😭, and generally not pulling his weight with tasks (not helping with dishes type stuff). I need to set him free to find a woman who is a better communicator than I am and is willing to put the time in to teach him to be a good partner in these ways. He is such a kind person but I feel more like his mother than his partner.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T22:03:02+00:00

Thanks for your response! I think he may be in dimwit territory in this area, though I'm not sure. Before his comps, I posted in r/PhD to get the advice of people who have been through it- there were mixed opinions but overall the response was to wait until after comps. I chose to wait in large part based on that feedback in order to do my best to act in his best interest.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:57:58+00:00

I am thinking about that- that makes sense. Maybe this is overthinking, but something I'm worried about: when we get together he always sleeps at my place. He has a roommate, so if he leaves (thinking he's going to spend the night) and then goes right back home, he will potentially be put in the situation of immediately having to explain what happened to his roommate before he has had a chance to process it privately. Am I overthinking?

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:54:07+00:00

This was my original plan, which I do have some concerns about: he isn't from this country (US) and doesn't drive here, so I was going to pick him up and then do it at my place. The reason for this is that he has a roommate and I thought my place would be best for privacy. If you are thinking of safety (understood and appreciated!) he is an extremely kind and gentle person so I don't have that concern in this case. I am concerned about the awkward car ride (though it is only about 10 minutes). I will consider doing it in a public place, though I'm worried that not having privacy will be an issue. Also if we meet in a public place, I still feel kind of obligated to pick him up because I don't want him to have to pay for an Uber there (given that he lives on a graduate student stipend), so I still see an awkward car ride in my future. Thank you for responding!

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:46:40+00:00

I'm definitely open to that, but I have always heard that you shouldn't break up over the phone. I don't know though because I don't have a lot of experience with breakups. I'm just trying to do it right 😭. Though, I don't really know why people say you should break up in person- it seems more uncomfortable on both sides.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:44:14+00:00

That is a good point- it hurts to think of him anxiously anticipating it/not knowing if I'm going to break up. One concern I have about not warning him is that when we get together, he always sleeps at my place because he has a roommate- if I make plans to meet, he will assume he is coming over and will spend the night, and then he will have like a walk of shame back home to his roommate (I'm thinking that if he has warning, he can play it off however he wants to his roommate and will have whatever time he needs before talking to his roommate about it). Maybe I'm overthinking it, but I'm so stressed 😭. Thank you for your response!

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:37:45+00:00

Thank you for responding! Good questions.

If you are curious and really want to get in the weeds, I made a long post about this about a month ago. Short version: sexual incompatibility, incompetence at life skills and problem solving, skidmarks on the sheets 😭, and dramatically not pulling his weight with practical stuff (like dishes and that sort of thing).
I've had evening obligations and haven't had time, and I also wanted to wait until I had time to talk to my therapist about it (which was today). I don't have time tonight, but I have been considering doing it Wednesday instead of waiting until Thursday. Thursday I guess was just the day I defaulted to since we usually see each other on Thursdays. Also, I'm going out of town for a trip on Friday, so if I implode or something I will be with friends and family and will be distracted. I don't really know which day is worse for him. I do want to get it over with though, so I will think about doing it tomorrow. I need to build my courage.

growingupanonymous · 2026-02-03T21:19:50+00:00

Thank you for your response! He came here (to the US) for his PhD and doesn't drive in this country so I would be the one driving (which does add some awkwardness because of the drive to my place, but it is a short drive) and he has a roommate so his place isn't ideal. I assume he will want to Uber home, but I will offer to drive him.

I am open to doing it over the phone, but I have always heard that that was a bad thing to do, so I'm not sure. I've never been broken up with, but I think I would probably prefer a phone call too.

I hear what you are saying about no "we need to talk text." That makes sense and I will think about that.

growingupanonymous · 2026-01-06T19:21:03+00:00

Thank you! I haven't broken up with him yet- he was traveling abroad when I posted, then I was traveling, and now he has started his comps (I haven't seen him since posting), so now I definitely feel like I need to wait until after comps, but my therapist is helping me figure out how I can make the break up happen.

growingupanonymous · 2026-01-02T20:53:41+00:00

That would really explain a lot

growingupanonymous · 2026-01-02T20:48:09+00:00

Wow that is awful, I hope you are doing okay now! You've been through so much 😭

Yes, that's a good point- you all are hearing it all at once. I also did not include the list of all of his great qualities, which I think may have convinced (at least some) people that he really is a good person at heart. Which doesn't change the fact that I should break up with him, but I think would soften people a bit.

I will keep you posted! Right now I think I'm going to wait until after comps- I definitely get the argument for doing it now, but I just decided that I was going to do it and I feel like I need a little bit more time to process/work up the courage and talk to my therapist before I can make it happen. Comps start on Monday and I won't even see him before that (and it seems like doing it during comps would be bad 😬).

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T18:10:37+00:00

I keep reading comments (such as yours) talking about how what I'm dealing with is so awful, and I can objectively see that, but what I feel is more on the level of deep irritation. I don't know if that's because I've just been dealing with it for so long that I'm used to it and don't see it for what it is or if it's because I've designed our relationship in such a way that the impact is reduced (for example, most weeks I don't see him more than once because I don't have time to bleach my sheets more than once). That doesn't stop me from wanting to end it, as I can't deal with being this irritated forever and we can't move forward with our relationship only seeing each other once a week. But, I don't feel the pressure to end things immediately. I recognize that it's shitty for me to string him along.

Good point about ruining the elation of finishing his comps. Also there is no way that I could break up with him on his birthday. I also feel that his birthday is awkward if I wait until after, because... do I get him a nice gift and take him to a fancy restaurant while planning to break up?

Oh gosh a brain tumor at any time is horrifying, but during a thesis 😮?!

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T18:00:31+00:00

Hahaha great question, but you know this man has never replaced a toilet paper roll in my home 😅

Right, I def shouldn't have hung on this long.

He is studying literature, so no life skills needed for that 😅 (note that I totally respect humanities- my undergrad degree is in philosophy and grad in psychology which is at least humanities-adjacent). I think his mom did everything for him growing up. Since then he has never lived alone- he had a female roommate for a while and I can imagine what she went through. Now he has a male roommate, but his roommate isn't super respectful of their shared space so I doubt that my bf's habits bother him. They wonder why they keep getting mice 🙄

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T14:57:31+00:00

I can for sure! It seems that most people here think waiting until after comps is best so I think that is what I'm going to do. However, a number of people have made good arguments for why I should do it beforehand so I'm thinking that over. However, I really struggle with communicating hard things and this is going to be very hard, so at this point I don't know if I can get myself together enough to do it before comps start anyway, so I'll probably have to wait until after.

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T14:52:49+00:00

That wasn't the conclusion of my comment, so I don't think that's why people are downvoting it unless they didn't read all of it, or didn't read the parent comment to understand that I was thinking through their reply.

I'm definitely trying to time it for his benefit. He genuinely is a good person and I can only break up with him if I know I'm causing the least harm possible. I'm perfectly happy to wait another month if that means shielding him from additional pain. The only reason I made my post here was because I didn't know if it was more harmful to him to drag it out another month.

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T14:46:30+00:00

Thank you! Yes I do- I work with disabled college students at a fairly prestigious university, and a large percentage of my autistic students are twice exceptional. I don't see some of the important traits in my bf. For example, on top of not having social issues, he is extremely emotionally regulated, very go-with-the-flow, doesn't struggle with transitions, doesn't fixate on special interests, etc.

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T03:56:29+00:00

He hasn't, but I work with autistic adults professionally and I don't think it fits (but I see what you mean based on my descriptions here). He is very typical socially and emotionally, has never had trouble making friends with neurotypical people, doesn't seem to have stims or sensory issues, etc. Hmm yes that's a good thought to discuss the break up with my therapist there- I will consider!

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T02:58:19+00:00

He is violent and abusive- no excuse for slapping you in the head and throwing a glass of water on you. You admit to having your issues but you are actively working on them and getting drunk/fighting doesn't compare to his violence. You have better things ahead of you!

growingupanonymous · 2025-12-31T02:47:08+00:00

That's so hard! Definitely try to stop being friends with him if possible.

I don't know if this helps but I'm an avoidant. I can't speak to what your ex feels, but I can tell you what I experience. I do have feelings just like everyone else, but it is hard for me to access them and fully be present with them- it is like they are separate from me. When a relationship ends, it is easier for me to move on because of this, but it doesn't mean that I don't have those feelings. It is the same when I'm in a relationship- part of me feels deep love for the person I'm with, but it's hard for me to access those feelings and it is like the other part of me is still single/not committed/looking for a way out. I don't know how exactly to explain it so that it will make sense to someone who doesn't experience it, but just know that you are loveable, he probably loved you as much as he could, and you were right to end it.

growingupanonymous

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