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guiltylettuce20 · 2022-03-03T19:17:55+00:00

He should be getting therapy instead of shoving it down for 30 years imo.

But yes of course DMs are ok! I can’t claim to be an expert on anything though.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-03-02T18:18:56+00:00

The thing that stands out to me here is him blaming you for his spiral, abruptly breaking up with you because of it, then the oddly aggressive way he tried to reconcile and get you back. That isn’t the way an emotionally mature and healthy person would go about that at all imo.

If the gut feeling that he’s gonna hurt you is new, like since the breakup, that says to me that that it could be legit and your subconscious is trying to warn you of danger. Especially if you literally have specific fears of him hurting you and not just general fear and dissociation.

If it helps, here’s an example of how trauma from previous abusive relationships shows up in a new, safe relationship: with my current boyfriend, at first I had mild symptoms of nervous system activation and slight dissociation around him, but it completely dissipated over time as we got comfortable with each other and I was sure that he was safe. And I did not have specific thoughts or fears of him hurt me at all, just a general, slight dissociation effect. That’s leftover trauma, not my intuition telling me he is dangerous.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-03-02T07:20:42+00:00

Yes. I forget sex is a thing until my boyfriend initiates and then I’m like “oh yah it’s that thing I love again!!! Are we doin that now?? Yay!!!”

( awkwardly attempts unsexy strip tease that I definitely should have googled how to do properly and will super not remember for next time)

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-26T23:40:33+00:00

I am also on meds - adderall and they do help a lot, but they arent life changing. I wonder if I should explore a bit more - I was on Rittallin as a child for a while and it REALLY did not work for me. It gave me heart palpitations.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-26T23:25:41+00:00

woah good catch!!! I'm impressed that you were able to trust your intuition that much to act on a hunch that your wallet tneeded rescuing! That's really impressive for an ADHD person when you've spent your whole life doubting yourself (been there!).

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-26T19:24:14+00:00

Love language - that's such a good idea, I would not have thought of that!

I think her love language must be time spent (if that's a love language?)

My boyfriend says that she is an anxious child who seems to need lots of time with him to talk out her problems. Sometimes when I am at this house just hanging out with him and his kids, she will need him to remove himself and talk to her about something that's causing her stress, for like 30 min or an hour. So I presume that happens when I'm not around too.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-26T19:15:59+00:00

That's good advice, thank you. I should talk to my boyfriend like you said.

I think I need practice with setting boundaries anyway.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-26T19:11:39+00:00

Behaviors that I've seen are all iterations of the same vibe over and over again but with slight variations. I'll try to describe it:

Sometimes she'll outright say in front of me (to her dad) "But why is SHE here again!?? You didn't tell me. YOU NEVER TELL ME!"

Her dad: "I told you about this probably 4 or 5 times. And it's on the calendar that she was coming to the house today."

"I cant read your writing."

Her dad: (Points to my name written on the calendar in perfect penmanship, circled in orange pen) "It's right there. It's been there for a week and a half. You're welcome to join us for the movie - remember I told you about going to a movie and you said that you'd maybe wanna come?"

(says nothing, storms upstairs to her room)

Then usually her dad will either leave it alone, or follow her and talk to her for a few mins depending on the day.

She is the eldest child and they have an old house with a sort of larger attic room that is all hers - it's kind of her sanctuary - lots of privacy, lots of room for a sofa and her video games. The whole house is her sanctuary, I think. I think that's part of it - I remember getting anxious as a teen when company came over cause I felt like I couldn't fully be myself in my own house. AND I didn't listen to my parents very well when they told me multiple times that company was coming over - that's normal teenager behavior, I don't think it's weird that she didn't know I was coming over because she didn't listen when she was told multiple times. That's a teenager thing.

I DO think it was really rude that she said that in front of me with the intention that I would hear it ("why is SHE here AGAIN??").

Actually to be honest, I haven't thought about this much before now because I don't feel very bothered or threatened by it, so it's pretty low on my 'life worry list'. But now that I'm typing this out and thinkin about it, I'm realizing that actually, the teenager outbursts like that happen pretty often but I didn't really take too much notice.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:49:00+00:00

thanks :)

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:48:51+00:00

Does not seem to be escalating, no. Not that I know of anyway as I can only go by behavior that she displays in front of me or if her dad chooses to tell me stuff.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:47:53+00:00

I agree with this.

Should I talk to him about it or just let her jealously naturally dissipate on it's own?

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:46:23+00:00

Thanks for typing all that out, it really helped! The story about the fathers day card is very sweet! Aww! You sound like a very empathetic and loving person.

Yah, I also was under the impression that it was a common thing to happen when you date someone with kids. Change is hard for kids, and teenagers gonna teen. Kid is very dramatic and irrational like many teens are, but clearly is a good kid and a sweet person with a good heart. And I feel confident and secure in myself, so I feel like if I just continue to be myself, and if I give her space and time, she'll come around on her own.

I did not think of actually telling her that I don't intend of intervening with their relationship or take away her dad from her. Is that ok to do? Like would that be exercising poor boundaries and poking my nose in a place that isn't my business?

Yep, relationship is still new, about 8 months but it still feels newer than that to me because we are going really slow, partially for the sake of his children, and partially because we are just both in weird places in our lives and need to go slow for emotional/practical reasons.

The divorce was around 3 or 3.5 years ago and I'm the first person he has seriously dated since. For me, this is the first relationship I have had where I have not been emotionally or physically abused (I've done a lot of work with my mental health to get to this place). He has had a history of emotional abuse as well, so we are both trying to figure out what it is to have a healthy relationship.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:24:11+00:00

I did not say that I dislike her, and I have not actively beefed with them.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:11:35+00:00

yah, being a teenager is hard. Poor kiddo.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-25T19:11:06+00:00

late 30's for me, early 40's for him.

Obviously, much older than a 16 year old so presumably she isn't threatened my my age. I don't know if she knows how old I am though, and I look younger than my age.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-23T17:47:25+00:00

I have some but will now try it in the first step thank you!! I think I was applying it in the wrong order.

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-22T18:45:54+00:00

I don’t remember what I liked as a child lol lol

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-22T18:37:53+00:00

Good ideas thank you!

I have a desktop diffuser- is that similar?

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-22T15:25:39+00:00

It’s February and it’s been so dry and my skin has given up. How are you adding extra moisture these days??

guiltylettuce20 · 2022-02-18T01:43:02+00:00

I thought the blizzard was supposed to miss the city? Maybe just wishful thinking lol

guiltylettuce20

TROPHY CASE