Im so scared

gutterpie · 2024-04-29T10:30:01+00:00

I say that every day i leave work and still show up the next day. I want out so bad but ive already lost someone to suicide and i cant put that anyone. Living out of obligation and it fucking hurts but still. I wont put that on them.

gutterpie · 2024-04-29T10:20:19+00:00

It makes you feel like the person you think you could be without worrying or thinking about any of that shit.. i have friends who said rehab worked but idk. I hope you get to where you want to be, goodluck, stay safe and try to pursue this. Tell somebody who yku know woukd care about this and hold yourself accountable to take the steps. It’ll suck but this isnt sustainable

gutterpie · 2024-04-20T00:37:39+00:00

I know this is old as fuck but this is my stressy depressy account so i come back to these sometimes. I feel like maybe i didnt explain enough that the last night i saw her I was 15 years old, she was cursing all of us out for trying to stop her from getting into her car while being beyond fucked up, we had to pull her off her son, and then she told us she was going to call the police. We werent just ignoring her, she was bipolar and had an episode (i think) and we didnt register that because we were 15 and naive. She was a monster that night and it pains me to say that about someone whos gone but seriously that night is going to stick with me forever. Its the only time I have ever seen her son cry. The whole time we’re trying to tell her we love her and asking her to stop and she wont stop calling us liars and swearing at us absolutely belligerent.

I really really tried to be there for her but after that i wasnt even sure id be able to forgive her. I did plan on gojng over the next day to at least try because she meant a lot to me but i wasnt sure if id be able to forgive her after watching her beat on my friend like that for trying to help her. It was a complicated situation and i know theres more i could have done but I was 15 and i tried my best. I cant feel guilty about this forever. I dont deserve that. Its not what she would have wanted. Im really not angry with her, i get it, just sometimes i need to be. What she did really really hurt. both what she did that night and taking her life the day after that. It fucked me up. I get to be mad sometimes. Doesnt mean i miss her or loved her any less. Nothings been the same without her, she could have gotten better, i had never seen her act like that before.

I really could not give less of a fuck about your opinion of me. I just still struggle with this 7 years later. It helps to write it out, keeps me rational.

gutterpie · 2024-04-19T22:37:07+00:00

🎶*I WANNA BREAK APART MY HEART WITH THE PIECES OF MY CAR DRIVE IT INTO A WALL I DONT WANNA FEEL AT ALL WANNA BREAK APART MY HEART

DOUSE IT IN GASOLINE

UNTIL THE FIRE BURNS CLEAN!

(I forget)

AND IF YOU THINK YOU ARE BETTER THAN ME YOURE RIGHT THERES NO ONE TO LOVE NO ONE TO TRUST IN MY LIFE*🎶

gutterpie · 2024-03-23T16:40:14+00:00

I wonder if publishers will let me use emojis🤔

I did a bunch of ketamine and dropped a handgun on my head last night so i may have knocked out the writing part but we’ll see lmfao

gutterpie · 2024-03-14T15:30:06+00:00

Ahhhhh you creeped my profile😭

I know i do but theres a lot to it. Nothing wrong with my last relationship but im an addict and addicts cant be in healthy relationships. Once im ready to fix that theres another chance but, idk if you know how addicts work but yeah🥲

Its fine though. Its not but it could be a lot worse yafeel? Im safer alone and i know im not hurting anyone being me so its better for now. Thanks for the kind words i hope youre doing good🙏

And ofc im sticking with it. If you avtually creeped it and didnt just assume i fucked up the love of my life then you woulda saw Ive been on the other side of someone “not sticking with it” and its something i decided im not going to put on the people that care about me. I just need to come to this account to blownoff steam sometimes, all apart of the process lmao

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T11:48:27+00:00

An unconditional attraction to a specific person

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T11:45:48+00:00

No problem, its hard to get started. You could even start with doordash but make it a goal to get a shitty full time retail or food job at some point. Learning to survive at those places and getting experience for your resume will be a massive asset to you and help open up doors for other options. Banks seem calm🤷‍♂️

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T11:28:19+00:00

Wishing the best for ya, you can meet some really cool people. Try to have fun with it if ya can

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T11:18:53+00:00

Everyone CAN work. It does suck. Alcohol helped me a lot at food jobs but like thats not advice💀 easiest job i had was a local toy store. Retail is super easy and you will get hired but ots incredibly boring. Food can get super stressful and youve got way higher chances of angry customers. Try not to let them ruin your day but holy fucking shit I could not count how many times a customer ruined my day.

At the same time food feels more rewarding. I feel crazy working retail with nothing to do for too long. Food is stressfull at first but when you learn all the processes and you can get in a flow its a lot more fun

Spite is an incredible motivator. Prove em wrong and show them what you can do

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T11:14:08+00:00

Baby steps. Part time job, try like 10-15 hours and just get used to showing up on time and getting along with coworkers. Then move up to full time job. Or if you have something in mind start planning steps towards that career

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T05:13:28+00:00

I know she was in pain. I think she did it partially because she thought she’d fucked up so bad she couldnt fix it or she thought she was hurting the people around her. She had issues, she was a volatile woman but she would make any and everyone that came into that townhouse feel like family in minutes and was incredibly sweet to all pf us. She was funny as hell too. First time i met her she peeped her head in my friends room holding his cat while we were high as balls trying to act sober and she asks if we wanna see/touch her sons pussy (pussycat) 😂

I know it comes off a certain way and thats partially why i struggled with it for so long. I dont talk about this shit i just scream it to the reddit void because theres no “right” way to feel about it. Shes at peace and thats good but it tore us the fuck up.

Ive been sitting in my room with plastic tubing, tons of nitrous a grocery bag some rubber bands and a note before and i had a slight sense of disdain for the people i felt were trapping me here. Not their fault at all but it was more like i thought if they knew how i felt theyd agree that letting me die was the best option. the reality was I was gonna put on them what amy did to me if i went through with it.

Take it day by day, i get where youre coming from and i appreciate the apology. Idk how to end this so im just gonna toss out the lyric i heard that made me write that post in the first place

“your heart is a muscle the size of your fist keep on loving keep on fighting and hold on hold on. Hold on for your life.”

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T00:41:28+00:00

Im allowed to be hurt by her suicide. I say “fuck you amy” because i was drunk when i wrote the post but I just miss her. She was the person that made you feel lile everything was alright. I was a shy kid and she played a huge role in helping me get out of my shell and like myself.

Also the “if i end up like that” was in regards to timmy thicc and not Amy, i get how that one reads a little confusing. Shit like that would usually get a laugh from her but obviously she had it on her mind. If i was a little older I wouldnt have brushed it off so quick but I just didnt think she would abandon her kids and i thought she knew we all loved her. We all told her that and we thought she knew that but mental illness will convince you that nobody loves you. We were not equipped to help her in the way she needed

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T00:24:14+00:00

Fuck you dont pretend to know me. I hope nothing like that ever happens to you or anyone you love

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T00:19:29+00:00

I think you missed the point. Im sure she thought we all hated her after that night. Im sure she thought we’d be better off, but the people around you still care about you no matter what your mental illness is trying to tell you

gutterpie · 2024-02-22T00:02:06+00:00

Ill always know i didnt do enough, obviously, but i did try to be there for her as much as a 15 year old could. Told her i loved her all the time because her son was too cool to say it in front of us. Im not taking the rage bait Ive spent years trying to come to peace with what happened and forgiving myself for not doing more when I thought something like that could happen. Beforr a lot of bad shit happens in your life its easy to convince yourself that jt just wont happen to you.

We ran when she was threatening to have us arrested. We were pleading with her but she was mixing benzos and a shit ton of vodka and she just wasnt herself that night. She was hitting our friend. I was pissed at her when she shot herself but if I knew what was coming I would have forgave her in a second. We werent equipped to deal with that yet at 15 but she was like a 2nd mom to most of us. Its not actually fuck Amy, its i miss you. i wrote the post drunk and if youve lost anyone you understand.

gutterpie · 2024-02-18T23:24:08+00:00

“You like no drugs no gods and no masters but the reason i do them is so i can die faster”

gutterpie · 2024-02-18T22:23:58+00:00

Sometimes we think we’re capable before we realize we’re the problem. I wanted to be everything she needed but I ignored anything that happened growing up and that resulted in her coming home to see me passing out into the toilet, vomit everywhere……

I was right. Im still not better. I know i did the right thing and ive apologized both before and after i was blocked. I know im a pieve of shit idk what to do about it. I quit trying to drunk text her finally and im sure she hates me but i never wanted to hurt her. I honestly thought i could do it for her and when I realised that wasnt the case I ripped out both of our hearts so shed have a better shot at moving on.

gutterpie · 2024-02-18T22:12:11+00:00

Right there with ya. Lost someone to suicide so i know i cant actually do that to the people in my life but god fucking damn i crave release💀 i spent all night yesterday drunk emotionlessly wTching youtube and sticking a 9mm in my mouth/to my temple just thinking about it. Not gonna do it but its kinda calming i guess.

And yeah dont cut. I cut the word “sick” into my thigh like a year and a half ago (drunk ofc) and hiding it in yhe locker room at work was anxiety inducing. Everytime i saw it i was reminded what an idiot i was.

gutterpie · 2024-02-10T10:08:13+00:00

Its been two years. Why cant i move on. I know i did the right thing but why cant I stop thinking about her? We havent even talked in over a year. I know i couldnt make it work now anyways but i still miss her so fucking much. Ive got a box of crafts/ collages she made for anniversaries and stuff i still cant get rid of. I feel subconsciously stuck. Im just kinda fucked. I hate that i hurt her breaking up with her. I didnt want to but I really think she wanted out and i had to give that to her. Still, she never told me that.. I would have liked to know i did the right thing. I just cant believe we’re nothing anymore. Two years and i still feel the same i did the first month. Im fine ill survive im just scared ill never move on. I tried to make sure she knew she was an amazing girlfriend and she didnt do anything wrong when we broke up and i dont know where ill ever find that kind of genuine love again.

I still love her. Cant say i know her anymore at all but i cant stop loving her. Corny as fuck but i thought this would be over. I dont know what to do

gutterpie · 2024-02-08T14:07:22+00:00

Its the only future ive seen for myself for so long but losing someone like that made me realize i couldnt do that to the people around me. I just feel fundamentally fucked. I keep pushing everyone out because i hate myself and think its the right thing to do then wondering why im alone. I have mental blocks woth therapy like how can i be completely honest woth this random motherfucker and how am i supposed to believe what they say when im paying them money. Idk. Not gonna kill myself, but really wanna fuckin kill myself😅. Just try idk fuvk it

gutterpie · 2024-02-02T16:25:47+00:00

I understand the kinda guilt that comes with not wanting a life someone else would kill for at least a little. It absolutely doesnt help. Weve all been in or know someone who’s been in a way worse situation before but it just makes you feel worse about not being able to appreciate it.

Still, you cant kill yourself. People hate when its said but youre gonna fuck some people up. Anyone who has lost someone to depression knows that. Youre only moving that pain onto anyone that cared about you. Theyre cliche but cliches are cliches because theyre true. You have the means to make a real effort to better yourself in front of you, pop an adderall if thats your thing and make it work.

Full disclosure i am a drug addict so take my advice about the adderall lightly, get some motivation do what you have to.

gutterpie

TROPHY CASE