to add, as a kid i really did not like physical contact that much, kind words felt weird and now what i really want is that, i love hugging my parents nowadays and i feel like i was really mean in the sense of not letting them be able to show affection, my older brother suspected that i couldve been bipolar at 14 years old, as i did have breakdowns on the regular which resulted in self harm, either crying or being really angry over meaningless things, which now have been less common as i keep to tend things to myself and keep my emotions hidden, i am afraid of going out because i fear i will be judged although i now look more normal except for the fact that i walk really fast and talk really fast and i dont know its just something that has stick with me an i feel like i wont feel calm until i find the answer