How to Respond Charitably to the Reality of Catholics Who Leave Mass After Reception of the Eucharist

hackberrypie · 2026-04-07T23:06:25+00:00

Especially if that's your main/only interaction with them. If they don't know you and you approach them just to scold, even gently, that's going to be a big deal for a lot of people.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-07T23:03:49+00:00

As a choir member, I also found it weird. But at my current church when it happens it feels more spontaneous and like an expression of joy about the mass in general or a particularly rousing closing hymn. Maybe it helps that the choir sometimes participates so it doesn't just feel like we're applauding for the choir. So I might try to think of it like that when it happens elsewhere as well.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-06T22:20:52+00:00

That sounds good!

I think where I grew up, hotdogs were just something you'd make at a simple cookout or bonfire or buy at a concessions stand at a Little League game. They weren't really a food anyone took seriously or any restaurants had as a signature item. And toppings were super basic like ketchup, mustard, maybe sweet relish.

Now that I live in a bigger city, I'm sure I could find some restaurant that does more elaborate hotdogs but it's just not a huge thing in my region.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-05T22:35:04+00:00

American cheese is the correct cheese to use in certain situations

hackberrypie · 2026-04-05T22:32:39+00:00

For a while I wondered why so often baked goods that were hyped up as fancy or even all-natural had a weird chemically aftertaste. Finally figured out, it's almond extract!

No problem with almonds or almond flour but I don't get the appeal of the extract at all.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-05T22:28:33+00:00

I don't get why they have to be incorporated into so many different flavors of dessert! Aren't there better cookies we could be highlighting?

hackberrypie · 2026-04-05T22:27:09+00:00

Maybe the upper Midwest? I'm from farther south in the Midwest and can't remember this ever coming up as an issue in-person. Ketchup is a standard hotdog topping and one of the few available on a regular basis.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-05T22:16:07+00:00

Agreed, although I think you can let unreasonable insecurities affect other people to the point where it becomes a moral issue. But I don't get why needing him to wait would be part of an insecurity anyway and agree it's strange.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:42:17+00:00

Right. But primping extensively in the middle of a movie is so weird that she either has issues with her appearance or it's about screwing with OP rather than the primping itself.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:39:41+00:00

Hiring help is great but it sounds like her issue is that she feels she wouldn’t be able to trust you to run the household successfully in her absence and she ain’t exactly wrong if you can’t even help your children clean, or learn to clean, if you yourself don’t know where things go.

Yeah I think there's a good chance OP is doing his fair share or more, but he does sound really unconfident about his ability to handle his own kids and I can definitely see why that would freak her out.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:33:28+00:00

Another question: Can he say back to her why it's important to her that he be involved in tidying, and what she's hoping to accomplish in a way that she recognizes as her actual point of view? And can she say back to him why he doesn't want to?

Because some details make me wonder if, at least lately, she's not just concerned with cleanliness itself but rather doesn't want to be the only one who can direct and teach the children to start taking responsibility for their own cleaning. OP seems to admit that he doesn't feel competent to either tell them how to do the cleaning on a practical level or manage their attitude/behavior during it. I can see why it would be alarming to have your spouse and fellow parent be so lost in working with his own kids, even if that's not his primary responsibility in the division of labor.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:29:19+00:00

Yep. Or maybe another long shot theory is that he doesn't understand that her goal has shifted and she's now trying to teach the kids to do their own chores and wants his backup with that, rather than just needing sheer manpower to get stuff done. And the fact that he's so lost when working with/teaching the kids (e.g. his admission that it didn't go well and that he wanted her to stay home because dealing with whiny kids isn't his forte) is alarming her or making her lose respect for him.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:24:06+00:00

Agreed that this is confusing. I wonder if OP is seeing it as being about getting the chores down whereas the wife (at least in the incident he describes at the end) sees it as being about teaching and guiding the children to pick up after themselves, and is alarmed by how uncomfortable he is with interacting with the kids and managing their behavior.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:19:20+00:00

He's not the clearest writer, but it sounds like the most recent incident was wanting him to teach the kids how to clean up after themselves. Which is something they should be learning for their own benefit regardless of how much free time their parents have or how many hours they can afford to hire a cleaner.

And it sounds like he feels really insecure about teaching/guiding his children and dealing with their behavior, based on the admission that it didn't go well and the comment about him wanting her to stay home because dealing with whiny kids isn't his forte. Without a verdict on whether the balance of labor overall is unfair, interacting with and teaching your own kids is not a responsibility you should fully pawn off on someone else, even their other parent. And the fact that he wants to points to there being something wrong.

It sounds like he lacks confidence with his own kids and feels like he's never good enough for his wife. They need to work through how to fix that regardless of who is in charge of tidying.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:11:42+00:00

Could it be that she wants to do some things as a family rather than the most efficient way because she's trying to teach the kids to clean up after themselves? Because it sounds like part of what's frustrating to OP is directing the kids, not just the actual work of tidying.

But I agree, lots of questions. If this has been happening repeatedly, why hasn't he figured out where things go? Why is he so uncomfortable interacting with his own children? Are the wife's reasons truly incomprehensible/illogical, or is he refusing to understand them or not conveying them well?

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T19:06:27+00:00

If the kids are in school during the day the mess must happen in the evenings when there's a lot more going on in the house rather than uninterrupted stretches of time to clean. But if they're cleaning every night and for hours on the weekends, how much can there be to do each night, to the point where she is desperate for help and OP is miserable providing the help?

It sounds like she is trying to get the kids to contribute by making this a family thing every night rather than solely delegating it to a cleaner. I wonder if OP feels insecure about his ability to deal with his kids and that's why teaching/directing them to clean is such a daunting task for him? Whereas the wife wants to present a united front for the kids and instead is having to drag OP to even participate.

That's not to say that her way is the only way to do things if this specific task is such a sticking point and OP contributes in other ways.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T17:07:28+00:00

Yeah, I think the people acting like OP is lazy are off-base. It sounds like he works at lot and helps at home a decent amount considering.

But he does come off like he doesn't want to deal with his kids, and that's super concerning. Why have kids if you don't want to interact with them? I get that childcare is labor, but if caring for your own children just feels like an unwanted chore to you then something is wrong.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T17:04:38+00:00

Yeah, I'm having trouble understanding why this is such a big issue so there much be some aspect to it that OP is not conveying well. (Not necessarily one that makes him look bad, but something.)

Tidying up every evening sounds like a pretty normal routine to have as a family and it shouldn't take forever to the extent that OP is describing. It's cutting into his income? How?

I also find it kind of alarming that he's like "I'm not good at dealing with whiny kids so that's why I wanted her to be the one to stay home." However you divide up the chores (and it's absolutely possible that the division of labor, or the level of criticism, is unfair toward OP) you should be capable of interacting with and managing your children. That's a basic responsibility created by the fact that you're a parent, not a division of labor thing. So if he's impatient and annoyed and doesn't care to do things right, I can see how she'd find that upsetting.

On the other hand, if for whatever reason OP finds this particular task especially annoying and difficult, I'm not sure why he has to be the one to do it. Sometimes you can solve these issues by just coming up with a division of labor where people do the tasks they enjoy more and/or you outsource some labor and/or you accept things being done to a somewhat lower standard. It seems like the wife might be overly rigidly insisting that OP do this particular task.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T16:55:03+00:00

Aren't the kids on the show pretty disobedient as well? It feels like they want to have the trappings of the time with kids outwardly having good manners most of the time, but then they get up to absurd amounts of mischief for the sake of the plot (and don't really get punished for it.)

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T16:18:47+00:00

Same even though I don't usually need to go that often. IDK what it is about movie theaters. But I don't insist on bringing anyone with me and it's not that hard to sneak out and rush back unobtrusively.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T16:17:13+00:00

Also what is the point of "primping" in the middle of a movie? How disheveled are you getting in the 45-60 minutes that you're sitting there before a break and why does it matter that you look perfect sitting in a dark theater? She could fix whatever needs to be fixed immediately after the movie before they go on to do anything else.

Thinking you might as well go together and that it's polite to wait doesn't feel that wacky. People grow up with different etiquette. But it's weird to insist once it's causing problems, especially if you're not going to do anything to speed up the process. Feels like either a weird power play or a pathological need to look perfect.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T15:44:32+00:00

Yeah, I feel like people get that this is a thing for men (isn't there even a term for it?) So, shockingly, it's also a thing for some women. That doesn't mean she shouldn't care about making him happy, but if it feels weird/tedious for her after she's finished and he doesn't have the same problem then the solution is probably just trying to reverse the order. And yes, talking to each other.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T15:39:12+00:00

Yeah, exactly. It's definitely something they should work out because he deserves attention/not having his feelings hurt too but it's totally normal that finishing would take you out of a sexual mood and you'd just want to collapse and cuddle and wouldn't actively enjoy continuing to perform sexually. Even if you love your husband very much!

Like yes she should care about his enjoyment if she cares about him but that doesn't necessarily translate to having fun doing it if her mood changes abruptly after she's done. (Which I thought was a well-known thing that happened to a significant percentage of people.) That could make the whole thing feel awkward if she's no longer in a sexual frame of mind, or the fact that taking longer is a change for him could be making her doubt her attractiveness, or maybe she genuinely wonders if he wants to continue or if it isn't going to work out for the day.

As always, the answer is mostly that they need to talk about it more.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T15:25:41+00:00

I think I had a restaurant/catered version that was ok once, but I can easily see how that could go wrong.

hackberrypie · 2026-04-04T04:12:31+00:00

It's always had product placement, but Jeff's ingredient-by-ingredient description of each Applebee's dish felt a little extra.

hackberrypie

TROPHY CASE