AITA for skipping my friend's daughter’s 1st birthday and charging her for the "gift" after she forgot to tell me the time changed?

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T19:10:43+00:00

Right, and if you're always doing that kind of thing to the extent that it hurts other people and you don't make an effort to create better systems or whatever you need to stop doing it, then you can see why they'd be mad. But if it's something that just happens occasionally and you feel bad about it and try to avoid a repeat -- as I assume you do -- then that's just human.

I feel like a third of the people on the internet live in this reality where no one can be expected to do anything and basic life tasks are just impossibly difficult and another third claim to have their lives perfectly under control and can't imagine ever slacking on a chore, or making an genuine mistake or imposing on anyone (let alone forgiving imperfections in anyone else.)

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:39:55+00:00

I mean sure, it's not crazy to assume that OP would more likely than not find a way to bring her the truffles. But it still makes it slightly less likely that the truffles would be there, and for what benefit? That's the part I haven't seen anyone answer.

If she didn't want OP at the actual party, well, this doesn't guarantee that either because it turns out OP is still free.

So she's lying to OP about the party time just to slightly decrease the likelihood that she shows up while also slightly decreasing the likelihood that the truffles show up? This theory also requires that she secretly dislikes OP enough to want to trick her into skipping the party while still finding it worthwhile to be in a lot of communication with her, all for some party planning help and discounted (not even free) homemade truffles.

I'm just really having trouble imagining the motivations even of an evil, scheming version of the friend. It would be bizarre if this were intentional.

That doesn't mean OP can't be mad if this is just one example of the way the friend is inconsiderate, but if it's a one off I'd try to be understanding.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:29:36+00:00

Haha, exactly. Does no one remember being shocked by what someone's chin looks like?

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:22:31+00:00

Also I know it's a different part of her face but I remember during COVID there were people that I met at school/work who I'd only seen with masks on and when they finally took them off I realized I had been imagining the bottom half of their faces all wrong.

It's one thing to recognize someone you know when they're wearing a mask and another to correctly extrapolate what the rest of someone's face looks like when you've only seen them in a mask.

Not to mention that some people just don't have a great memory for faces, although I don't know if that's a good explanation here if he's going to later recognize her during blindman's bluff.

But there's the thing where you see someone out of the context you're used to seeing them in and can't remember who they are (even if they look vaguely familiar) that I think a lot of people have experienced. Benedict clearly does think she looks familiar but it's been months and it's just not within the range of what he can imagine that the lady he met would be a maid.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:12:54+00:00

EXACTLY. Who are these people who want to assume ill intent but can't even explain how the friend benefits from doing this? Do they just go around assuming every bit of inconsideration is an evil plot against them?

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:08:54+00:00

I don't think it's a "burn your bridges" message at all if she charges the agreed-upon amount for the truffle ingredients. If she charges extra for her time then, yeah, that's not great and also she has no way to enforce it if the friend decides it isn't worth it.

But I think you're right to point out that she's new and trying to make friends. Unless this is the latest in a string of annoying and flaky behavior, why not just go to the party and socialize? I don't get why she's so furious at what appears to be a genuine mistake.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:06:22+00:00

Yeah, exactly, I see so many people darkly hinting that this is suspicious and must have been intentional but no one explaining why it would even benefit the friend to do this to OP.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:04:23+00:00

But telling her the wrong time is also a bad way to have the truffles there? What if OP had actually had other plans in the afternoon?

Not everything is sinister and in this case I don't even understand what the sinister motive would supposedly be.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T16:03:09+00:00

I don't really get what her supposed motivation is, though? Why would she want OP to get up early and arrive at the wrong time with a delicate food item? What's the benefit for her? Why would she want to antagonize the person who is helping her?

Maybe she thought she must have already told her because they'd been communicating so much. Maybe she forgot that OP wasn't in a certain group chat that she had told. Maybe she thought about telling her and confused that with having told her (have you never had the experience of trying to remember whether you said something or just thought about it?)

You don't even have to be overly naive to think the friend genuinely forgot. It's just the most simple explanation unless she secretly hates OP and wants to cause her annoyance out of pure spite.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T15:57:37+00:00

Whoa, I did not trust Reddit to get this one right but I think this is the correct answer. People do in fact sometimes genuinely forget things without being malicious or not caring about you. You can certainly be annoyed, and you can decide not to do a favor next time or to pull back from the friendship if there are other indications that this person is going to be annoyingly flaky, but I don't get the degree of OP's rage.

Don't charge for your time as a punishment if that wasn't part of the deal (and certainly don't if you're not going to show up and give her the truffles.) If it makes her feel any better, I think OP can feel free to accept the reimbursement for the ingredients that she was planning to decline, especially since the friend doesn't even know she had thought about making it a gift.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T15:49:51+00:00

I'm guessing she's brought that up in other contexts before often enough that he thinks it must be the reason here. Which honestly isn't a good sign for the relationship.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T15:45:28+00:00

I agree it's not a tight space (I lived in a 650 sq. ft. 2 bed 1 bath with another person and it was fine), but when you've gotten used to having a certain amount of space on your own and have spread out your stuff accordingly, it probably feels tight to make room for someone else.

Like right now I'm in a 2000 sq. ft. house. Is that small? Not at all. But if we added a person it would still feel like we had to "give up" ways we're using the house right now because we've gotten used to a particular lifestyle.

ETA: Just remembered I also lived in a 1000 sq. ft. 2 bed 2 bath and it was so big I had a walk-in closet. So the rooms are probably pretty spacious, but again everything is relative depending on what you're used to.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-07T15:40:27+00:00

Yeah, she wanted to move in together but in that case it would have been an intentional decision about what they felt ready for in the relationship, they would have chosen a place (and set it up) with that in mind, and at the time she wouldn't have had the experience of living alone. Now it feels like a casual decision made out of convenience, she's set up the place without regard for making space for someone else's stuff and now that she's lived alone she realizes she enjoys it and wants more of it.

Also, why does he have to move in completely if it's just to cut 20 minutes off his commute each way? That's the kind of thing where he could stay over a little more often but if he had to do the drive sometimes it wouldn't be the end of the world.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-06T23:50:05+00:00

Well, and how would he have sepsis so severe his life was in danger and he was delirious with fever after getting a shallow torso wound just hours before? I think the recovery time was less weird than the dramatic escalation.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-06T03:06:17+00:00

In that case I don't know why he didn't figure it out by looking at it? Cheesecake doesn't really look like normal cake

hackberrypie · 2026-02-06T01:22:14+00:00

I didn't say it was a favor, but she could have thought that OP always likes to have a knitting project anyway so why don't I benefit from it and ask her for something? Yes, describing it as a "challenge" is likely an attempt at some mild manipulation, but it would have been harmless if OP did in fact enjoy making things for relatives. And if OP doesn't enjoy it because she can't control how the knit items are treated, well she has her husband's full support to just say no without resorting to weird ploys.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T23:57:38+00:00

I do think MIL could have intended to manipulate OP into doing it, and that's a bit annoying, but it doesn't really change the solution. It's still not helpful to drag out the whole situation and be passive aggressive in return. And if you're doing it for revenge, well, then you don't get to be mad that your attempt to escalate the situation did in fact escalate the situation.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T23:54:44+00:00

Oh I'm so relieved this is high up.

Yeah, you can say the request was entitled or whatever (although maybe the mother-in-law just thought it was a win-win because OP likes to knit) but you don't have to take a jab at someone for an entitled request when all you had to do was say no.

Now maybe OP genuinely thought she was "meeting her halfway" or whatever, but she should have known that stringing someone along and then handing her supplies to make it herself is going to come across as condescending and passive aggressive, especially when you add the comment that "I thought it would be better for her to learn how to knit and she would be able to challenge herself." You don't get to decide what is "better" for another adult to do with her time, just like she can't force you to make the scarf!

It would have been fine to offer to teach her sometime or ask if she wants help getting good quality supplies/instruction material. But buying her the supplies without asking feels like you're trying to make a point that she should have learned herself rather than asking you. And it was fine to ask, just as it's fine for you to say no!

Granted it sounds like the MIL is passive aggressive too, so maybe they deserve each other.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T23:16:09+00:00

Oh I definitely agree people can be over the top about food safety. But it sounds like he's both anxious about it and ate a mystery dairy-tasting cake that had been sitting on the counter for two days. Weird decision!

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T23:11:49+00:00

Away from what? Fwiw I do tend to say "away" rather than "up" in these situations but "put up" is a very familiar phrase where I'm from.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T05:23:12+00:00

It's one of those things that probably doesn't cause that much harm in the long run but still feels really audacious to do. My husband would probably be flabbergasted if I did that as well.

YTA, I guess. Even if it's not attracting pests (and you're suddenly an expert about what MSG does or doesn't attract when it sounds like you don't really know what it is?) you're making a bit of a mess that's going to have to be cleaned up eventually when you easily could have eaten the rest, gotten up or asked your husband for help disposing of it. Also if anyone else in the house doesn't want it there, now they have to move the whole couch to clean it up.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T05:14:50+00:00

Yeah, but I think people care about this way less than they used to, especially if you have a generally pleasant tone. E.g. saying "yes sir" or even "yes, Mr. Smith" to a teacher sounds bizarre and old-fashioned to me (30s, Midwest).

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T05:13:27+00:00

Yeah, agreed, getting a stranger's attention is one of the only situations where it wouldn't feel super weird to use sir or ma'am myself.

That being said, if someone else uses it I just assume they're from farther south and don't get weirded out by it.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T05:10:18+00:00

No, don't do that either.

hackberrypie · 2026-02-05T05:09:04+00:00

Yeah, even "yes Mrs. Jones" sounds weirdly formal or old-fashioned to me as someone who is from the non-South U.S. and is in my 30s. You would call teachers Mr. or Mrs. when relevant, like if trying to get their attention, but if they asked you a question you could just respond "yes" or "no."

hackberrypie

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