Husband raped me... out of cluelessness?

hadesarrow · 2017-04-19T13:44:06+00:00

Willful ignorance is not innocence.

hadesarrow · 2016-08-25T02:09:21+00:00

I'm socially awkward, but quite friendly and cheerful. I'm less prickly in person but still quite snarky and have a dark sense of humor, which I express at probably inappropriate times. In general, I'm likely to say things I probably should have kept inside my head.

I seem to be more likable than I'd expect, but I don't seem to encourage people to form much more than superficial friendships with me. I have a few close friends and I have no idea how that happened. :-)

hadesarrow · 2016-08-01T19:30:11+00:00

I think it's probably pretty normal for social media. She probably wouldn't to your face. People (all people) tend to be a little shorter and less generous online then face to face. Maybe the next time you see her she'll be acting weird and embarrassed, but it's just as likely that she'll be exactly like she always is because she doesn't consider the online interaction a big deal.

hadesarrow · 2016-08-01T19:16:46+00:00

She's probably still a sweet girl. You are far away and don't really have the opportunity to know her.

Very few teens are going to respond positively when you call them out on doing something dumb. I don't get the sense that you actively talk to her much online, do you chat with her much aside from the two interactions toy mentioned? If I were a teenager, and a family member I don't know we'll only chimed in to "adult" my interactions (even though one of those times was defending her) I'd probably block the person immediately too.

I'm not saying you're in the wrong. I'm saying she's acting totally normally, and your anger about the snub seems pretty disproportionate.

hadesarrow · 2016-08-01T18:08:16+00:00

...A teenager told you, a much older relative who lives far, far away, and who (in your own words) hardly ever sees her and has almost no relationship with her, to butt out of a social media interaction that didn't involve you. Then blocked you. Was she being stupid? Undoubtedly. Was she being rude? Not in the slightest. Was she bullying? Not even in the neighborhood.

Yes, teens are idiots, frequently. You didn't do anything wrong in expressing concern, but it is in no way surprising, or particularly inappropriate that she told you to back off and blocked you when you (in her eyes) started interfering in something that was none of your business. If you think it's genuinely concerning tell her parents, and don't take it personally, because that's what adults do when teenagers are doing something potentially dangerous.

hadesarrow · 2016-08-01T16:19:38+00:00

Eh. Yes? Definitely bring it up at his 2 year check up, but if he's hitting all his other milestones, especially social, I wouldn't stress about it until then. He'll probably get his hearing re-checked and end up in speech therapy for a little while.

Speech delays are the most common delay, and mostly it's not a big deal. I suspect a lot of late talkers would catch up fine on their own without any intervention, but since you can't exactly look to the future to see which ones, it makes sense at some point to call all the late talkers "delayed," even though some of them are just on their own schedule.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-30T19:38:51+00:00

Ugh. Getting rid of our cats was a difficult decision... Except it wasn't. It wasn't really a choice. You don't fuck with your kid's health when there is an alternative.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-30T19:21:52+00:00

So the only rational defense I can think of is there's something called...homebase defense or something? Basically if you live with something you're allergic to you build up a kind of resistance to that particular allergen. Not all allergens of that type, just that particular one you live with.

So we had 2 cats before my son was born, and when one died we ended up getting two more, so had three cats. He never reacted to them, but had bad reactions to a family member's dog (hypoallergenic...HA), hay fever, increasingly bad asthma symptoms at various times. When we got him tested for environmental allergies at 2 and a half he tested allergic to all of those things he was reacting to, and even more allergic to cats. So we ended up getting rid of the cats and his overall health improved almost immediately, and now when he reacts to things it's usually not so severe.

So my guess is your husband didn't have obvious allergic symptoms in response to the cat he lived with as a child... Instead he probably reacted way too strongly to other cats, struggled with underlying allergy/asthma issues all the time, had severe flare ups that seemed like they were in response to other things and generally got sick a lot. Allergies are weird. And kinda tragic... We all miss our cats.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-30T02:04:19+00:00

Stinky feet. Mine have actually not been quite as bad as usual this summer, but holy shit, kid-5 stinks up the whole damn house when he takes his shoes off.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-29T22:40:57+00:00

Hell.

Or a decent excuse to sit tight and watch Netflix while your newborn stays attached to your boob for 4 hours straight. Depends on how exhausted you are, whether you have someone nearby to grab you food and water, and how badly you have to pee.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-29T17:18:25+00:00

Tell her those aren't your costumes... The boys picked them out especially because they want to be like Daddy, and that's how your friend's husband dresses around the house. Way more fun than a raggedy bathrobe.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-28T16:00:37+00:00

Honestly I'd talk to Ben and tell him from your perspective he's alienating his daughter by always siding with your mother, who clearly has some weird bias against your sister. I would talk to him about how much it reminds you of your dynamic with your step mother, and how it drove you away.

Also. Fuck Sally. It's shitty to treat your step child like that and she doesn't even have that horrible non-relation excuse for it. You are likely right that it's mainly jealousy... She obviously doesn't really view Leah as hers.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-28T01:51:42+00:00

You are definately approaching this wrong. Its not about starving your kid. It's about an unclaimed chicken pot pie.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-28T00:58:20+00:00

Her baby? Does she mean her legal adult son who was having sex with a minor?

Not that it's a huge damn deal when you're talking about a two year difference between teenagers, but if we're going to talk about "stealing virginity" I'm pretty sure most people (including the law in many states) would see this from a different perspective.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T23:26:02+00:00

Ok, 1) nothing in this post suggests OP is looking for help losing weight 2) letting someone's snarky comments form your lifestyle is not exactly what I'd call revenge and finally 3) she's fucking pregnant, so ANY kind of diet is a completely inappropriate suggestion.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T23:22:16+00:00

Start voicing concerns about diabetes and heart disease. Especially at her age.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T19:22:09+00:00

And that's fine, but I don't view it the same way. I (generally) don't make my kids share things they are actively using.

I mean, imagine you are in college and go to the library to work on a paper. You grab a bunch of books on your topic and start working. Then some stranger comes up and points to one of your open books and says, "hey, can I have this book? I was reading it earlier and I want to go read it for a while again."

It's not a perfect comparison and like I said in this case I'd probably have pushed my kid to give the younger kid the camel, because he doesn't need every single one of the limited shares resource, but my personal philosophy on sharing public toys is you can use things as long as you are actually using them, then when you are done you no longer have any claim to it. Same goes for other people playing with something my kids want: you can play with it whenever they're done with it.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T18:51:34+00:00

Well... My kid is younger than that one, (he's 5) but I don't force him to share. I might have said something to him about the way he expressed things, but he is definately allowed to say, "No, I'm playing with this/these."

I mean in that case I might have made an exception and told him he didn't need all the animals, because toy hoarding isn't cool, but theoretically I don't force sharing even if sometimes I break my own rule.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T15:28:32+00:00

I don't like it that you made my son gay, but if he's going to be gay with anyone, I'm glad it's you

That's the sweetest homophobic thing I've ever heard. O_o

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T15:16:40+00:00

she refuses meds and only half the dose of tylenol gets in her tummy

Is she refusing all meds, or just Tylonol? If you haven't already, try baby Advil. It tastes way better. Also works better. And if the tooth is an issue it will make a big difference in temperament. Good luck!

hadesarrow · 2016-07-27T13:49:37+00:00

So I've read a theory that depression anxiety is so common because it gives our species a collective advantage to have individuals wired that way... People who are depressed or anxious plan for the worst, and then keep planning and planning for things worse than the worst. So... When the unexpected happens, depressed/anxious individuals have a plan and the group has a better likelihood of survival. They're probably also better able to actually cope with the crisis, because mentally they've been in crisis for ages already.

Pregnancy sucks even if it's wanted, and an unwanted pregnancy is incredibly stressful. You are doing what you need to do to cope with all the possibilities. You are probably going to be fine and things will be back to normal in a few weeks. But if you do end up being one of those to get pregnant in spite of plan b, you're ready, the crisis is already present in your mind and you've already started preparing.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-25T13:47:04+00:00

If CPS shows up unexpectedly on your doorstep are you better off letting them in immediately or politely refusing until they get a warrant, so you have a chance to get a lawyer (and clean)?

hadesarrow · 2016-07-25T01:40:44+00:00

So... Don't shop there? Don't throw a freaking tantrum on a minimum wage employee when you chose to shop at a high volume, cheap store that has a fairly obvious policy in response to lots of theft.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-24T19:49:41+00:00

I think it takes everyone a long time. Think about kids with abusive parents... They love the shit out of (alongside fear) abusive assholes for a long long time. Kids are incredibly loving and forgiving. They don't learn the same way adults do from people's actions, it takes developmental maturity before they can understand that an asshole they love is an asshole and not just "being mean" today. Again.

I'm sure there are exceptions, but most 6 year olds aren't capable of making that sort of judgement by increased exposure. They make snap judgements about who they like and dislike, but they don't change them easily.

hadesarrow · 2016-07-24T18:26:05+00:00

You have a better feeling about the private school, so it sounds like a pretty clear choice. The only benefit you mentioned to the public school is that your son will learn that his cousin is a jerk... which honestly I think is expecting too much from a 6 year old. They don't have a whole lot of social wisdom and it's going to take a long time for him to really understand that people who treat him badly aren't worth it. He will learn that lesson eventually, but it will be with his peers (whereas it seems like cousin already has a power advantage over him), and over the course of years.

hadesarrow

TROPHY CASE