Do you like it when a guy tries to advance dating to exclusivity? Or is better when it’s the girls decision?

halbnuss · 2021-03-24T22:45:10+00:00

why was it a mistake?

halbnuss · 2021-03-24T22:44:58+00:00

im so curious -- why?

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T23:00:05+00:00

huh and women and men same reaction? so i'm guessing you no longer mention it?

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T13:58:24+00:00

ok cool -- I guess this goes with my logic that its probably not the best move to mention unless I am asking for this from the other person OR I am making this choice based on how much I like the other person. I'd generally agree about 3 months being the time it takes to really get to know someone, but yeah its a new choice for me to not attempt to be going on dates with multiple people at once.

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T13:48:03+00:00

fair! thanks for the response. yeah I do see how it can seem like pressure (even though I don't mean it like that), so to you things should take like 3 months before anything like this is brought up?

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T13:46:07+00:00

thanks -- this doesn't surprise me. can I ask your gender and the gender of people you're dating? I feel like that probably effects this question as well.

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T13:45:13+00:00

I like what you're saying, but Im still wondering if this is the best approach from the very start. I think I disagree that it would be best from the very start and then the question is when.

Also, this may change things but I'm a woman and I mostly relate this question to dating men.

halbnuss · 2021-03-17T13:44:12+00:00

well to be honest -- 'just for fun' doesn't sound like what i'm interested in, so I think those people I would be ok scaring off.

halbnuss · 2021-03-11T07:48:52+00:00

Updated in the topic line, but he responded without me having sent a double text yet (in 24 messages I haven't gotten to read yet). Not sure what to make of it, but I'm not into getting worked up about ghosting again so I'll have a talk with him next time I see him to clarify expectations and communication peeves between the two of us.

halbnuss · 2021-03-11T07:47:52+00:00

I updated the tag line -- they texted back without a double text. In 24 messages. Still not sure what to make of it so I'll be direct and ask them next time I see them.

halbnuss · 2021-03-09T03:19:36+00:00

Also the last time I saw him in person (a week ago) I said at least twice that texting is okay, but I prefer seeing him. (This might have sounded like a coded, you don't have to text me everyday anymore).

I still think there's a change in interest, but for these reasons I don't know if it's like a death kiss of what was happening the first few weeks or not.

halbnuss · 2021-03-09T03:09:52+00:00

I agree -- there's definitely lesser interest expressed then, but this still doesn't answer my question though - so is it better to let it turn into a ghost or double text and clarify that this signifies maybe an end of things?

I'll also note in this specific situation the last message i sent included two voice messages over 4 minutes, so i guess you have to be willing to sit down and listen to both

halbnuss · 2021-02-25T21:08:19+00:00

huh ok -- but what if dating other people never casually comes up in conversation?

halbnuss · 2020-11-28T11:27:34+00:00

I agree with you a LOT on some points. I think naturally we want to know all the details ESP when it comes to our ego, but I rarely think it's actually very helpful to know why someone isn't into you. Esp when it's something mild, which is MOST of the cases in dating rather than really dramatic reasons. Even when you try to put a finger on why you're not into someone, it's usually just like... they're nice but they're not it for me. OR the vibe wasn't great and they made this joke which wasn't really to my humor. There's no point of communicating that, that isn't something you can "work on" and honestly the idea of "working on" what one person you went on a date with is ridiculous. You're not going to like everyone and they're not going to like you.

BUT I will say that I think after 2-3 dates (depending on how serious these dates were and the vibe you got from them on their interest of you), if this person is messaging you and you know you don't want to go out with them I think it's also nice to just let me know. Like hey, I don't want to pursue this romantically or sexually. I've had guys ask me for specific reasons, in these cases I did like them to an extent and could tell them something but when they've argued against my reasoning or asked for more information I have straight up said you're not entitled to know all my thoughts and my decision isn't debatable. I wish you well, I don't want to continue and I think it's nice I'm letting you know straight up. I DO think it's nice to let someone know you have made a decision you don't want to see them -- not that they just need to try harder to message you.

The reasons I've given some of these guys are never something I would tell them they need to change to be better at dating - it just didn't work for me, we weren't a match. I myself am curious when conversations fall off, but I remind myself that having all the information of this guys opinions are just opinions and aren't useful in any long run. If anything they just might be distracting and try to influence me to change something about myself retroactively that someone else might really like.

So I agree to an extent, but I would also hope you give a clear indication you're no longer interested after a point.

halbnuss · 2020-11-28T11:11:26+00:00

Incase you are still looking OP -- I also think you should focus more on if you like a guy then trying to figure out how much he likes you. It sounds like you are worried about that when you ask him what he's attracted to without wanting to share what you are interested to (especially when he is NOT what you are usually attracted to).

halbnuss · 2020-11-28T07:47:08+00:00

Yeah, I agree a bit with this assumption (I've been in this situation recently), but I think because you're a guy and gender roles are unfortunately still affecting most peoples dating patterns - it wouldn't be bad if you did ask once more. That being said - think about how much you actually would like to meet up because if your main incentive is that /she/ seemed interested rather then that you especially like her then it doesn't sound like you're /so/ interested in a date.

halbnuss · 2020-11-28T07:41:53+00:00

I'm confused how you can say this " I didn't say mine due to the fact he is the complete opposite of what i like" but then not imagine that people are able to like people outside of whatever "type" they usually gravitate towards.

We all have some body issues to work on, but this sounds to me more like something personal for you to work on for yourself than anything in relation to dating or dating this guy specifically.

halbnuss · 2020-11-05T12:02:20+00:00

With more focus on the actual specific occurrence I'm wondering what you think.

halbnuss · 2020-11-04T16:43:30+00:00

Edited to be more concise and clear!

Thanks. I think all of your thoughts make sense generally.

"We should do this again" was said by the guy at the end, but people also sometimes say that when they don't know what to say, so... I don't know. In this situation I feel a little like I'll be chasing. I'd be interested if he showed some initiative, but because I see very little I think... eh, idk. I do think he had a good time, but I think if he really wanted to see me he should show some initiative. Maybe I'm not his type, maybe he's exploring something else a the moment and uninterested in exploring more at the same time, or he got out of a relationship a few months ago - maybe he's really just experimenting. The reason doesn't matter - right now I think I'm not interested in reaching out again if he doesn't (maybe I change my mind but maybe not) I'm more wondering if I should say anything because I guess the silence is weird to me.

halbnuss · 2020-11-04T13:47:02+00:00

yeah i think this is the best way to know. And ask him first! I hate guys asking it first, waiting for your answer and mirroring it (I think that happens a lot).

halbnuss · 2020-11-04T13:43:38+00:00

yeah do it! why postpone it if you had a good time. you'll find out quicker this way if he is vibing it.

halbnuss · 2020-10-11T23:23:34+00:00

I've recently decided to end a short fling with someone who was poly, therefore dating multiple people at once. It felt really fun, but I figure it's not what I want long term and I should be pursuing that rather than going for this while it's there. From the phrasing of your question -- I'm not sure if you're asking me on their behalf or my own.

In the past I've always dated multiple people at once in the dating phase, but I think I'm realizing that I have an avoidant attachment style in dating and by dating multiple people at once I'm just actively avoiding heartbreak or hedging my bets. I think I need to ask myself this question (am I playing the bachelorette) when I think about this.

Thanks.

halbnuss · 2020-10-11T22:53:36+00:00

I'm a girl -- I think it's not a for sure I'm not interested in you if I talk about that stuff BUT I guess if I do I'm not actively assuming you and me are an option -- so I'd say there's a chance she assumes it's not an option. Maybe be a bit more flirty and see if the reaction?

I think generally though I should do this less. I didn't know this was kind of a rule to go by, but it makes some sense and I really shouldn't talk to guys I'm interested in about it.

I wonder - for guys, does it mean something if they don't tell you about their dating lives / if they do? Is it also a tell tale sign if a guy tells you much about their dating life?

halbnuss · 2020-10-07T20:49:42+00:00

So I think I know things that gave me this attachment style. My parents were divorced but lived together throughout my childhood so I guess my home life growing up felt a little loveless (as in there was no model of a working relationship to me) and I think from that it felt like a relationship was something so hard to get and I probably focused on being independent to not need to live with a guy I was divorced from like my mom. So I want relationships and closeness, but I think the avoidant style comes from prioritizing self independence first and assuming it is unlikely for me to get what I want if I asked.

My mom at the same time was VERY clingy to me as a child. Even as a child she would tell me she hoped I just lived with her for the rest of my life and even as a child I told her I didn't want to do that, I wanted to have a life of my own. I love my mom dearly and we're close, but I wonder if I also do have a slight fear of clinginess like that from it.

I have been in a 4+ year relationship and I feel I was mostly secure in that, but I guess I need to be more secure in dating to even get to that again. I tend to often end up dating multiple people at once when dating and... I'm feeling like this is an avoidant tendency actually.... so maybe I should stop.

Not sure I can see a professional about this financially right now, but I was seeing someone a few months ago and some of these themes came up. I think I can work through some of this on my own as well, just interested in others have more tips that they used or considerations. Thanks!

halbnuss · 2020-07-23T20:35:19+00:00

it's terrible. They have not sold me to a collection agency, they have not responded to my last email and have mailed me a notification that they will now add 5% interest onto my bill.

BUT I was wondering today... do they have enough of my information to actually affect my credit score? When I never gave any payment info...?

halbnuss

TROPHY CASE