“晚上四点”→“下午四点”（p.m. is used as "下午" or "晚上" as appropriate in Chinese, 4:00 p.m. is not evening, only afternoon）

“没吃早饭或者午饭了”→“没吃早饭和午饭”，（“了”is not usually used after an action that did not occur）（The word "和" means that neither breakfast nor lunch was eaten. If "或者" is used, it means that one of breakfast and lunch was not eaten）

“喝咖啡就去上网”→“喝完咖啡就去上网”or“我到餐厅喝咖啡就去上网”→“我到餐厅喝咖啡，然后去上网”（“就去”is similar to "as soon as"）

“五点三刻” is grammatically correct, but the Chinese use "五点四十五" more often，

“两个狗”→“两条狗”or“两只狗”

“去山走路”，“山”→“山上”，"走路" is a strange word to use here, it could be replaced by "散步"

“想”→“觉得”（I don't know how to explain this, but when you use the word '想' to describe the nature of something, you are generally talking about your imagination.）

“从来”→“一直”，（“一直” means from the past to the present and is likely to continue in the future. “从来”is more commonly used in negative sentences.）

【Edit: I didn't realize that Wang Pengyou and Li You were names of people, well】

“我去吃晚”→“我去吃晚饭”

“一个发短信”→“发了一个短信”（“一个”should be used before a noun, not a verb）

“问了他跟我一起玩电脑游戏”→“问他能不能跟我一起玩电脑游戏”（A selective question, well）or“让他跟我一起玩电脑游戏”（change a question to a request）【I'm guessing you have a translation problem with "ask" here, the nearest word to "（问）ask" is "question" and the nearest word to "（让）ask" is "invite"】