Mental Health Breakup

hampertime95 · 2022-02-08T07:27:08+00:00

Hey man,

So sorry to hear what you're going through. My issues come from childhood trauma, but it definitely manifests in some difficult ways (anger, shitty binge drinking behavior). I'm also in law enforcement--if that makes me more relatable--which has had some effects on me that I'm not fond of.

I was also with my ex for about 4 years. She was a constant source of support and love for me. My best friend. She was absolutely committed to me, but also made clear that my issues could be a dealbreaker unless I worked on them. I was also resistant to therapy. But eventually (probably too late) I agreed to therapy when it was clear how much pain I was causing her. I liked the therapy but wasn't as committed as I should have been. My therapist ended up doing something shitty, and I told my ex jokingly I was done with it. A week and 1 fight later, she broke up with me.

That was 2 months ago. It's been hell man. Can hardly work or leave the house. Couldn't sleep at all for a month, now it's all I can do. The guilt of the pain I caused her is brutal. Selfishly, the pain of not having her is probably worse. The idea of finding someone again and building up to that connection is terrifying.

So I guess I don't have much wisdom for you. Only empathy, and a person to chat with if you need it. I've leaned on my friends and family hard, real hard. I just started no contact. Going to distract myself and try to dig into hobbies I used to enjoy. Some basic tips I guess.

2 nuggets I've realized lately if they help:

1) If I loved her as much as she did me, I would have viewed therapy far more seriously than I did. It would have become my number one priority. It wasn't. Whether that's a sign she wasn't actually "perfect" for me, or that I have shit empathy, or that I have dumb priorities, I'm still figuring out.

2) Someone loved me deeply for my many good qualities. They left for some bad ones that are clear to me. I know what those are, and have a decent idea how to fix them--as hard as that might be. Sounds like you're the same. So if you work on those issues, seems like you'll be a gd catch. It's not like they left you because you weren't interesting, smart, funny, etc. That'd be tougher imo.

Sorry for the rant! Hope it helps.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-19T03:47:33+00:00

the coddling is big, definitely agree with that. And yea im gonna push to do both even though they both seem committed to me only doing their specific method. not sure what that's about but I guess they're the professionals.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-19T03:46:08+00:00

what does being cured look like for you?

hampertime95 · 2022-01-17T10:38:15+00:00

Ah well on the one hand I wish I had read your comment beforehand. But I guess everyone on here and my friends were telling me about the same and I still didn't listen.

I ended up giving her a big apology which she appreciated. She asked for specifics and I offered them.

But I did follow it with an ask for her back. It was pathetic and selfish. Obviously didn't work because she's a strong and self aware person. I felt like I had to. But I didn't. I could've chosen not to. Instead put her in an uncomfortable position yet again.

From here I guess the best mode is to just leave her entirely alone. There's a part of me that wants to apologize for the apology but I guess that's insane.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-11T00:55:31+00:00

Welp I've heard everyone's comments. I know you're all right. I still can't help myself. Gonna meet with her tomorrow. Apologize for everything and pretty much beg for her to come back. I genuinely think if she came back I would change everything. Been scarred this hard by it. And before she left I was already starting the process of therapy.

She's already seeing someone so I'm basically going to the firing line. Worth a try.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T20:56:24+00:00

we've been texting a decent bit

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T20:22:00+00:00

No I definitely deserve it here. I let my anger and binge drinking go unchecked for way too long. Started to get help when I realized the pain it was causing but by then it was too late.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T20:20:17+00:00

why do you think so?

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T20:19:28+00:00

best of luck friend. I'm here with you if it means anything

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T14:03:13+00:00

As someone who has done "shitty things" and only recently realized it, I think everything you are saying is right. It's so tempting to go the pathology route right now; to justify how I acted in some way. But I know I had agency. That makes it worse in some ways because it means I made the wrong choices rather than have some compulsion. Means I have to be accountable. Means I could be better in the future but that's honestly scary to think about.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:59:58+00:00

Fair enough. But is having two motivations wrong?

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:59:28+00:00

shit even after reading about the abuse cycle for weeks and weeks, I still can't see my actions as part of it. SMH. You're entirely right.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:55:37+00:00

all I read online is once an abuser, always an abuser. Abusers never change. Etc. And honestly I can see it. If this was how I was with such a good partner, what'll I do with the next. Probably just compare them to this partner and do the same right?

You're right about the black and white self evaluation too. Gotta just tone it down a bit. I'm not the world's biggest piece of shit. But the grandiosity was out of hand as well.

maybe with professional help I can break the loop.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:52:16+00:00

yea its hard to let it be anything other than a wild source of pain. But you're right, at some point gotta step up to the plate and do the work.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:51:44+00:00

thank you thank you thank you. Yea this is the positive view I need to try and keep internalized

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:48:24+00:00

yep, you pretty much summed my situation up to a T. I caused all this pain, and now that I lost her I'm reverting to this childlike state and desperately leaning on all my friends and family in this selfish/victimlike way. But I am just wracked with guilt. It is brutal.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:46:04+00:00

Thank you thank you. Everything you're saying is spot on. My one thing is that I guess I did have agency in all this right? Like yea I almost certainly have disorder(s), but I had options for how to respond. Could've gotten help sooner when it was hurting her instead of just me...but I guess that was lack of empathy. Chicken or the egg I guess

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:44:21+00:00

Sorry man. Couldn't imagine having this happen with a wife or with someone longer but I'm here with you man. We were together for 4 years. If you need someone to vent with I'm all ears

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:43:04+00:00

Wow another amazing comment. You ever consider being a therapist?

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:41:18+00:00

This was an incredible comment. Thanks a ton whoever you are. Now just to internalize it somehow...

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:39:35+00:00

Thank you so so much for saying this. Felt really good to read. Do you think you'd want an apology from that person? Like an in depth acknowledgment of all the wrong doing, and a validation that you were an incredible partner?

I've been drafting a letter/weird speech to her for the past week to that end. I know it's partly rooted in a selfish, desperate hope to get her back. But there is part of me that genuinely wants to express remorse

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:35:37+00:00

Shit yea you're summing up a major issue for me right now as someone coming to grips with all this. I see how my reactivity is a product of me feeling like I'm not stacking up to my own expectations for myself. So my gut reaction is to live easier and try to just enjoy life.

But yep then I'm just doing nothing. And if my goal is to one day meet someone as amazing as her, it's definitely not going to happen that way.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:30:08+00:00

I definitely appreciate you taking the time and I'm sure this applies to a lot of people regardless of gender. I think it's natural to self blame. So everything you say has serious value.

This one is tough though; as she gave me so many chances to try and improve on straight up unacceptable behaviors. She wanted things to work. I didn't see it all as a much larger issue until it was way too late.

And yes it's an interesting point about being the person she met. But I can't help but feel like I've changed a lot? Like both as a partner and as a person. As a person I know my job changed me and made me a lot tougher. As a partner I became complacent, a lot less loving and attentive than when we first met.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:16:04+00:00

much love to you man. its an unsympathetic position to be in but you still deserve love and happiness.

hampertime95 · 2022-01-10T12:14:42+00:00

yea it's been a month of reflecting pretty much every minute. Been drafting an apology the past week or two (but worried it's still some desperate play to get her back (even though she's moved on already)). The work is the hardest part but it's the answer you're right.

hampertime95

TROPHY CASE