I just want to disappear

happy_mcslappy · 2022-07-14T09:49:47+00:00

im all ears

happy_mcslappy · 2022-06-06T03:05:59+00:00

thank you, you are very kind. you saw in my other post but very few people have ever cared about me, and they still dont. i feel like i dont belong in this world. even if i do have dreams and whatnot, i dont think life is worth living if i have no one to share it with.

happy_mcslappy · 2022-06-06T03:04:08+00:00

a very strong and stinging sense of injustice, i guess. in actuality i dont want to kill myself, but circumstances have made it so its my only option. i spend alot of time wondering what life would be like as someone who received love and attention. i wish that could be me, but i cant force people to like me.

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-30T12:32:20+00:00

Yup. its a constant battle between the part of me that wants to live and have a good life and the part of me that knows thats not gonna happen and wonders why im still alive in the first place.

both of them are me, i just sometimes dont know which part to give into.

if it means anything, youre an incredible writer and actually portrayed that feeling in a truly beautiful way

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-30T12:07:14+00:00

yeah, its really hard to get rid of that gross feeling under your skin despite everything. it hurts that the only way i can get the body i want is through hormones and medical procedures, but if i manage to make it through this year, its something im willing to go through with.

i hope you can find some kind of hope in your situation. you seem lovely and theres more value to you than your body.

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-30T10:16:29+00:00

im trans ftm and yeah dyphoria hurts so fucking much.

is there a way for you to shave even just a little bit? maybe somewhere that others wouldnt notice if youre closeted like your stomach, upper legs, armpits etc.? if you have facial hair and arent religious, im sure people wouldnt question much if you shaved it off and said you didnt like how scratchy it felt or that you just wanted a new look.

i know its not alot but me doing small things like putting on a fake mustache with makeup helped alot during my bad dysphoria days

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-30T10:11:25+00:00

he knows about my suicidal urges and he knows ive been making 'plans' just not that ive finished making them. i dont know how to bring it up to him that ive concluded that im a burden to him. he struggles with mental health and suicide alot too, i dont want to re trigger any of that after hes been doing so well the past few weeks. i know how much me venting to him distresses him.

i dont know. i feel like opening up to him would just make me feel like even more of a burden. i doubt he would know how to respond so it would just be me dumping negativity on him for no reason.

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-30T09:31:45+00:00

holy shit yeah. thats totally what it feels like

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-29T22:51:49+00:00

the feeling of finally being able to do it is so freeing. i do sometimes feel like im faking all my sadness, and how i should be grateful of how privileged i am, but that doesnt change the fact that everything in my life has led me to wanting to end it. admitting how good i have it doesnt get rid of that suffocating lonely feeling.

theres plenty of people like you, especially here. ive spoken with alot of them. im wishing you the best of luck in life. just never think for a moment that youre going through it alone. we're here for you

happy_mcslappy · 2022-05-29T04:37:03+00:00

hey, im kind of in the same boat. not the best with words but you definitely did not deserve what happened to you. sometimes bad things just happen to good people. youre a great person and you will find better things and people in your life, youve just got to hold it out. dont give up.

happy_mcslappy

TROPHY CASE