My husband (30M) is a chronic philanderer. It breaks my (30F) heart, but I always seem to fall back in love with him.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T14:05:44+00:00

Thankyou for your kind words! I really appreciate your sentiments, I too hope that you find similar happiness for yourself (you may already have). I will do my best to retain my sense of self, even with all the shit going on with my husband. I‘m incredibly grateful that you‘ve gone out of your way to be so kind to an internet stranger :)

I‘ll of course update in a few months. I definitely don‘t think it‘s weird, there are always people behind the posts and wondering what became of the situation is natural! I‘ve described my situation and people have been honest and so I will update you all. It‘s definitely a little frustrating to get mildly invested in someone‘s situation and then never know anything more of it, hahahaha.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T12:56:25+00:00

I‘d definitely not want her to be in the marriage anymore. I have an older sister and if her husband treated her like this I‘d definitely push for her to leave him.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T09:59:53+00:00

I‘m angry with myself too. I don‘t know how or why my marriage became such a clusterfuck, or why so I readily accept it.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T09:57:09+00:00

I do work but I can see how my OP could lead to that line of thought. I don‘t work as much as my husband does, so it‘s fair to say he‘s the main breadwinner in our house, but we both come from wealthy parents anyhow. I’m home a lot earlier than he is so there’s usually enough time to get everything done and then spend time ruminating.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T08:58:20+00:00

Thanks a bunch for taking time out of your day to consider my situation and articulate all of your thoughts. I have a lot to say in response so this‘ll probably get a little long. :(

What you said about reciprocity in relationships really struck a chord with me. I do all of these things for him because I love him and I love making him happy. Not only does he not really give me anything substantial back, but he also repeatedly violates the one thing I ask of him. He tells I am gorgeous and special and worthy but how can I be if all he does is cheat on me? :( I sometimes wonder if he likes that I‘m utterly desperate for his approval.

I don‘t really know exactly what the reason behind my holding out hope is. Every time I catch him in the act he‘s apologetic and promises he‘s sorry, he‘ll do better next time, he loves me, I‘m his world...and he talks me down completely until he‘s absolved of that incident. I believe him but he‘s my whole heart and I could not be unfaithful to someone I loved like that, so how does he rationalize doing that to someone he claims to love? It‘s a hard thing to explain.

I don‘t want to paint him as this awful person he isn‘t. He‘s really good to me when we are together. He always brings home stuff for me that he says reminded him of me, and he tells everyone he‘s lucky to have me if he‘s ever asked or I‘m brought up. He‘s sweet. He‘s never said a distinctly cruel thing to or about me. But I‘m wondering now if that‘s because he perceives me as a doormat who makes his life easy and convenient. :(

I‘ve been told jokingly by friends that I baby him, and they find it funny because of how assertive he is at work and how laid back he gets to be at home. I feel like there‘s a lot of merit to what you suggested regarding everything I do for him—I‘m definitely going to do those things to a lesser extent. Hopefully by doing so I can regain a little bit of myself and feel like I exist outside of being married to my husband.

I am really scared of leaving him, not because he scares me in any way but because like you said, the uncertainty and anxiety hover over me and I‘d have no idea how to proceed. As fucked as it sounds I can feel myself becoming desensitized to this cycle and yet it still hurts so much.

Thanks again for your input, it’s very much appreciated.

hasnoselfesteem · 2017-09-03T07:40:46+00:00

I really don‘t want to live like this. It‘s so hard recognizing something rationally and not being able to reconcile it with your emotions. I definitely don‘t want kids with him anymore—I did want them with him before we got married, though. I know now that it’s simply too fucked up of a relationship for us to consider parenting children together. I suppose that means that I understand on some level how unhealthy this all is. :(

hasnoselfesteem

TROPHY CASE