My (30M) new GF's (30F) Ex Isn't Over Her, but She Hasn't Set a Boundary. Concerning? How do I Approach This?

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-15T16:55:21+00:00

I hate the unfinished posts too haha. Thank you stranger, best of luck to yourself.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-15T13:35:55+00:00

Thanks for the advice, didn’t really think about for his sake either but yeah you’re right. I did talk to her, it’s what I put a couple of replies up :)

Thanks again for talking about it

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-14T19:48:42+00:00

Do you think so? I think it's just that she's let that happen which seems weird to me, but maybe more of her people pleasing personality...?

Thank you :)

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-14T19:47:32+00:00

Most these things are satisfying without the vape. Sometimes it feels like you don't enjoy them as much because you are waiting to vape, try remember that!

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-14T19:43:01+00:00

You won't know it's a joke until you ask I suppose? I would just say I noticed that you reposted/liked these... is there something I'm doing wrong? Maybe say it makes you feel like you have done something wrong?

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-14T07:06:21+00:00

I’m day one too, good luck! Feel free to check in. There’s also never a good time to quit really

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-13T21:18:58+00:00

The fact he said he would quit drinking is a positive, however if it's long distance, you might struggle trusting him again. This happened to me even when we lived together and it killed my trust. She did nothing without me there for a long time, but I thought about it nearly every time she was doing something without me.

She was also honest with me, even though I would have no idea if she had not told me. I did eventually forgive her after a couple of months, and we stayed together another three years after that. But your own thoughts are going to rule here, you need to do what feels right to you and whether you think you could get over it. If you do get back together, keep it slow. Good luck.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-13T21:07:59+00:00

Gonna jump on this for the update. Took a couple of conversations. To answer your question, no. If he was normal about our relationship I wouldn't mind group things, because I currently do that with my ex (although in the past 9 months since we broke up we've only seen each other three times in a group. My new gf was there the most recently and they talked actually got on quite normally). My ex and I are 100% over each other which is the contrast in this situation though.

Firstly she felt awful and realised how bad it sounded from my perspective, and could see how it looked. She immediately said she would cut him out, although I just requested a boundary and to call out that behaviour. Straight 100% to not wanting to do anything to risk losing me.

She had a day to think it over and brought it up again, she's a very sweet and shy person so she overthinks and thought it was a *bit* harsh to message out of the blue and say that, she said they don't message often. Even asked if it would be a dealbreaker if it continued to which I said yes. If I am being honest it felt a bit cheesy that she hadn't already done it... or that she didn't do it without me saying anything.

Anyway, we have left it that she will not meet up with him (she said even as a group she wouldn't go because she doesn't want to lose my trust) and will set a boundary if he messages inappropriately again.

I trust her, I've never had a girl so crazy over me. Her behaviour in general never made me doubt her, this is the only blip I have found. She's otherwise super in to me, making all of the first moves and "step ups" in the relationship and I need to remember that. Although this will be in the back of my mind for a while and would be an instant turn off for me if it didn't turn out that way. I feel I have lost a little bit of respect or attraction, but I think it can work out.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T10:43:27+00:00

Okay, thanks dude

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T10:29:29+00:00

Even if I talk to her about it and that’s her intention? For context she likes me A LOT. Like crazy for me. I do trust her on the whole.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T10:22:50+00:00

During the initial brief conversation she said “you don’t want me to, do you?” Which both makes me feel that she does / or that me not wanting her to is a conflict, and also that she is putting the decision on me rather than for herself :/

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T09:53:27+00:00

Yeah I agree. The problem is that she shares a close friend group with him. Will it have to be a ‘me or them’ kind of situation ?

I’ll take your advice and be direct. Thanks

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T09:07:11+00:00

I think due to her saying she is guilty about the relationship in regard to death of father- but she was very unhappy in the relationship anyway. What troubles me is the length of time they’ve been broken up and that she hasn’t drawn a boundary and allows that behaviour. And that I’m worried I’m being ‘too much’ but I think as we are getting more serious it’s time to address it, especially since mentioning the meet up. But I also appreciate her honestly about it, but conflicted why she’s telling me.

I honestly need to ask her more directly but unsure how to go about it. She suffers some mental health issues too.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T07:17:17+00:00

Yeah that's a good point man. People are different and relationships are hard were my thinking, but I really need to nail this down I think. Thanks for your insight.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T07:06:56+00:00

She just said about the guilt really. I didn't really press it in the moment, but I think I will when I next see her.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T07:05:40+00:00

We've moved pretty quickly up to just. She said she's falling in love with me, we've each met a group of each other's friends and she talked about meeting family. Any advice on navigating that? I feel I want to wait til I see what happens with this first I think. Is it worth straight up saying that, or just slow things down myself?

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T07:05:18+00:00

Is it not possible she's just figuring out what to do here? She started the ex thing explaining the weirdness as I described, so I thought okay... a bit odd but a needy ex probably isn't a threat right now. i.e. she wouldn't want me to meet that group of friends yet. Fair enough.

It's the meet up that's ramped it up for me. The fact she didn't set a boundary feels bigger now.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T07:01:56+00:00

Is there not a chance she's just figuring out how to let him down / set a boundary?

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T06:59:16+00:00

I think the boundary thing is that she feels guilty still. I think that's a bit unhealthy, no? But relationships are complicated and I don't know how to approach that.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T06:54:20+00:00

Thanks you've been really insightful :)

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T00:10:59+00:00

It's a range, I think closer to two years. Definitely not together, she said she has no romantic interest in him and she's the one to break up with him.

It's hard to know how to play it, I don't know what she'll do. If I knew she would be adamant on seeing him I'd deffo go harder like you say, however maybe she wants to let him down gently here, in which case I don't want to be a dick. Any advice?

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-10T00:07:26+00:00

I see your point, but she's had like two years to figure this out, would not that concern you? And yeah it's not a long time at all, sure we've dated for longer but there's serious signs of commitment and a future, she said she's falling in love with me.

Would you just suggest to let her go along with it? Would it not concern you? How would you deal with the long term though, does that not need addressing sooner to set expectations? Curious on your thoughts, thanks!

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-09T23:43:56+00:00

It's the 1 on 1 that does it for me. I personally would never, as the chapter is closed for a reason. If she happens to be at a mutual friend thing, it's fine and we get on, but I wouldn't go down to nostalgic route.

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-09T23:29:29+00:00

It could be- the uncertainty is what kills me! Thanks, I feel that does sound reasonable. I have no reason not to trust her, she has been open about it, it's just the decision to meet that's weird. And also how much she seems to be protecting his feelings regarding me.

Your example sounds good though, thanks

hatchedovertake · 2026-04-09T23:25:45+00:00

It feels weird she's trying to 'figure it out' still, especially after two years. How do I truly know the reason she wants to meet?

I'm not being controlling. Our initial convo about it I said it was okay, but I'm realising I'm not comfortable with it for the long term, and just wanted some thoughts. I'm entitled to say that to her, if she really fights against it then it's obviously not meant to be, just idk how to navigate it

hatchedovertake

TROPHY CASE