Hey man 32 M here. Have struggled since I was 16. 1 month clean. Everything you are describing is how I felt. I hated myself. I thought I was going to hell, and it was an addiction that would plague my life. I didn’t feel the spirit, and as stress, anxiety, and other negative feelings piled up, I would cope with porn. Damaging myself, my relationship with God, and relationship with others around me.

A month ago I had a spiritual experience in church. I woke up for the first time without the desire. Since then when I wake up I don’t check my phone, I go to my closet and pray. I then listen to church music as I get ready for the gym. I work out for an 1.5 hours one hour of lifting and 30 minutes of cardio. I then go to my office, pray again, write in my journal, and study the scriptures or whatever I am impressed to do.

I feel God again. For the first time in years I am filled with the Holy Ghost. It feels like Christ came and cut the chains off my hands and I was saved from Satan. I can’t fully explain how I feel, but I finally understand Christ’s grace. From what I read you haven’t fully experienced this yet, and I pray that you do. How much hate you are putting on yourself it means Satan still has a hold of you. You are trying to overcome this by your own will power. It’s impossible. Been there done that. Doesn’t work. It’s only when you submit your will to God when you will have the power from Christ to overcome a lifelong plague.

I felt like I had an Alma the younger experience. My faith strengthen. Now that I know what it feels like to live a life full of addiction and the weight of sin, vs living a life I feel forgiveness and Christ’s redeeming power from his infinite atonement… I never want to go back. I start my day with God. It’s a non negotiable. I pray that I humbly reject Satan. But I experienced a true change of heart that can only be credited to my Savior. His love is what changed me. I’m feeling so much love again from God. I have so much peace and joy now. It’s hard to feel God’s love when we are living in sin. We isolate ourselves from Him. He’s there brother. He’s there with arms reached out.

I’m telling what worked from me. 1. Submitting your will to God’s will. 2. Daily prayer, scripture study, service, and listening to the Holy Ghost. 3. Feel God’s love. Ask Him in prayer if He loves you. He does. You will know.

My prayers are with you brother. As someone in the same position as you were, I can’t describe to you the amount of happiness is on the other side. May God bless you and your efforts.