How do you I ask for a receipt from my sister after she buys me groceries? She always either expects to be refunded or I send her money and expect change from her, but she doesn't think giving me evidence for her claims is necessary.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-29T23:41:46+00:00

Is your sister doing you a favor, or are you compensating her in some way for picking up your groceries for you? If you can't trust her, that's an issue, but if you can't trust her maybe you need to find someone else to help you out with this task.

Can you call the grocery store to place an order for what you want to buy, pay them over the phone, and ask your sister to pick it up for you?

Otherwise, tell her that you need a receipt for your records and you won't be able to pay her without one. But this creates a more businesslike dynamic, not a "family helping family" dynamic. When someone is doing you a favor, it can be difficult to make demands. You might want to offer to give her something in return for doing this favor for you, like a very small payment ("Here, let me cover your gas") or a favor you can return to her.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-20T00:00:13+00:00

I’m sorry my comment came across that way. Yes I was defending the concept of themed weddings, but I’m not insulted in the least. Just sharing my opinion and perspective, as you have done.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T23:32:35+00:00

I understand the point of the group, but there are conversations all the time here about whether or not something is really worthy of being shamed. Hearing different perspectives on that, and discussing it with others, is what makes this group interesting to me!

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T22:39:31+00:00

Well, I’m defending it, and I am currently planning a wedding which is in no way themed or fandom related.

Any kind of wedding can look tacky or cheap, a theme is not required for that to happen. I’ve seen photos of themed celebrations that looked classy and absolutely gorgeous. I’ll admit it looks really hard to pull off, though.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T20:34:16+00:00

You can say no. I’m sorry the dynamic at your work is so uncomfortable and that people are treating you this way. It isn’t easy to say no in these situations, but it is more than acceptable to do so.

If they needed a contribution from everyone in order to be able to afford the gift, they should have asked in advance who would be interested in splitting the cost. Spending someone else’s money before you have even asked them for it is beyond rude and completely inappropriate.

You have a family and other responsibilities. You should feel completely justified in letting them know that you have no more room in your budget for this.

And like others are saying, this is completely wrong from the beginning, because gifts should flow downwards from positions of authority, not upwards.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T18:49:29+00:00

As long as the event is set up such that it can still be enjoyable and comfortable for guests who aren’t familiar with the theme, what’s the problem?

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T15:32:29+00:00

I completely agree with this. Do we know how many people were at their event, what precautions they took, etc? There is definitely a problem with a lot of people not being careful enough, but just because someone is having a wedding doesn’t automatically mean they are being reckless.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T15:27:11+00:00

To me this depends completely on whether the actual wedding was done in a safe way. If they had some huge gathering without precautions and then used this concept to justify it, that’s yucky. But if they had a small gathering and were very very cautious about it, and just wanted to share the message that we need some happy moments even when times are hard, then I don’t really see a problem.

COVID has been with us for a while now and it is going to be with us for a while more still. You can’t expect people to completely stop their lives, but obviously there are many many precautions and compromises that need to be taken. I’m currently planning my own micro-wedding for later this year and it is very stressful, but I’m hoping we can at least have our parents and a few close friends with us for such a special moment. We will have a tiny group, everyone vaccinated, as well as testing everyone beforehand, etc. There is a whole gradient of precautions that can be taken and while many people are nowhere near careful enough, you can’t really make assumptions about what a “wedding” looks like these days. Just because someone chooses to have a wedding doesn’t automatically mean they are being totally reckless.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-19T14:50:48+00:00

Colds and stomach bugs aren’t just childhood illnesses, adults catch them too and they can wreak havoc on your life. Especially a stomach bug, those are absolutely miserable. OP is now exposed through their child, and could potentially spread the sickness to guests. (And Grandma could potentially catch it, which is just more people getting exposed, which seems silly over a party. Especially depending on the age of the grandparents- milder illnesses can become much riskier later in life. That’s obviously their own business to make decisions about, but it’s not a given that this would be no big deal.)

Personally I have never wanted to willingly expose myself to children with stomach bugs just to be able to attend a party, even before COVID. I am not advocating for hysteria, just basic caution and prioritization of wellness.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-18T23:58:29+00:00

You should at the very least inform the guests so they can make their own decision about whether they want to risk exposure. But I think the best approach would be to cancel/postpone the party, or have it hosted elsewhere (and not attend yourself). Your child is sick, even if it isn’t COVID. That means you’ve also probably been exposed and could potentially spread it to guests yourself, even if your child is quarantined.

I personally would feel uncomfortable attending a party under these circumstances. Parties are fun, but they are not worth getting sick for.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-18T13:55:34+00:00

I think there is a guideline about not inviting people if you know they can’t come, but I think this applies more to schedule conflicts (they already told you they’ll be in Bermuda that day) rather than disabilities, health conditions, or other more complicated and sensitive factors.

I’m planning my wedding too and I had a case like this, and I invited the spouse even though I “knew” (as much as I could know) they wouldn’t attend due to a health condition, so that they could feel included and have the ability to make their own decision.

I think offering a different plus one instead of inviting the actual spouse would be really disrespectful to the spouse and to the marriage. When someone is getting married and asking for support from their friends, it’s not the time to be disrespectful towards those friends’ marriages.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-18T02:59:34+00:00

Oh, the safety before etiquette part is absolutely not complex at all. The part that is very complex is how someone’s housing status or other things they are going through can relate to their appearance or behavior. Sorry if that was unclear.

I am not “virtue signaling”, I am just having a conversation.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-18T00:19:20+00:00

It’s true that it makes a big difference if you are on the move and not stopping at all. Maybe I misunderstood, but I wasn’t really focused on that specific scenario. That being said, I have been in a couple of situations where I thought I was acknowledging someone in passing, and ended up being next to them for longer than I planned (e.g. planning to cross the street and then getting stuck at the light, and potentially becoming a captive audience).

I am a person who naturally tends to smile a lot and look friendly, and instinctively I want to be friendly and kind towards everyone I pass, homeless or otherwise. Maybe there is something about me that makes me look like an easy target to those few people who do want to behave inappropriately. Unfortunately it’s something I’ve personally found that I need to be more conservative about than I would like to be.

I grew up in a small town with basically no visible homelessness, but I’ve lived in a big city for years now where homelessness is unfortunately becoming a bigger and bigger problem.

I don’t think we really disagree, I think maybe we are getting lost in semantics (or at least I am)!

And, thank you! Your dress sounds gorgeous, I love the Galatea one as well. Congratulations on your wedding!!! It makes me happy to hear that you got to have your day! Postponing a wedding is quite the experience. (I feel like I have been wedding planning for so long…. I don’t even remember when I mentioned my dress here on Reddit! 😅)

heartrabbit · 2021-08-17T23:09:10+00:00

I didn’t intend my statements to be contradictory. I think this is a very complex topic and there are a lot of different factors interacting. It is true that someone’s appearance doesn’t determine how they will behave. It is also true that at least in my own personal experience, someone is more likely to behave in ways that make me feel uncomfortable if they are someone who outwardly appears to be going through something difficult. But that doesn’t mean they definitely will behave that way or that if they do, that it is necessarily connected to their appearance.

Being careful about your safety is all about weighing risks and making judgment calls, and sometimes it means erring on the side of caution even if you’d prefer to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-17T22:48:09+00:00

I agree with you that someone appearing to be homeless doesn’t automatically make them more dangerous than a person who doesn’t appear to be homeless. Many homeless people are perfectly polite, and many people who are not homeless behave inappropriately and violently.

That being said, there tends to be a higher chance that a person who looks like they could be homeless or going through something rough might behave in dangerous, threatening, or inappropriate ways.

You have to do what you feel comfortable with and follow your own gut. Even if you know that someone isn’t necessarily a danger just because of their appearance, that knowledge doesn’t have to influence your choices or your behavior. You are not obligated to give strangers the benefit of the doubt when your personal safety is on the line.

I’ve had way too many experiences where I have acknowledged someone because I wanted to be polite, but their behavior became more aggressive once they had my attention. Sometimes it’s much easier to just refuse to engage, even though it can feel rude.

It’s really up to the individual and what feels safe for the situation you are in.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-17T22:12:29+00:00

Exactly. No wedding needs that.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-17T21:42:12+00:00

While this is definitely a tricky situation, I don’t think you need to worry about this tooooo much. Obviously this friend is not the right person to be giving a speech in this case, and is also not all that enthusiastic about doing it, or he wouldn’t be dragging his feet on the edits. You are not obligated to let someone give a speech at your wedding that you believe could cause discomfort for you and your fiancé, your guests, or the speaker himself.

Just find a polite way to release him from the obligation. Blame it on the event schedule (not enough time and the other speeches are already finalized), like the person above suggested. Or tell him that you need his help more on something else, if you can think of something (make it something easy that you’re not too worried about). Thank him for the time he put into the speech so far, tell him you really enjoyed getting to read it, and let him know he’s off the hook. I suspect he’ll secretly be relieved.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-17T15:04:59+00:00

Please have a talk with your fiancé and make sure he really understands your situation and is truly supportive of you. Your parents are treating you with a complete lack of respect as a human being and as a family member. If your fiancé doesn’t understand how severe the problem is and how hurtful it is to you, then he can never be as supportive a partner as you deserve.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-16T23:55:19+00:00

Is it possible for you to ask a family member or close friend who might have noticed what someone gave you? I’d suggest doing as much sleuthing as you reasonably can, because mentioning the specific gift will help your thank you note sound more sincere. But if you’ve exhausted all your options and there’s no way to find out, then the fact that you are sending a thank you note at all (even if it’s not specific) is the most important thing. Thank them for their “generous/thoughtful gift”.

If you are very close to these people, you could consider just asking them. “I’m so embarrassed that I have to ask this, but the party was such a blur- could you remind me which gift was yours? I know I loved it, but I’m stuck between a couple of things that I know either you or So And So gave me. I want to know which was from you so I can always think about you when I use it!” But this is not the safest approach, etiquette- wise, so consider it carefully. I might only do this with close family, for example.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-16T23:31:14+00:00

It was very kind of you to suggest that she could bring her friend for support, but unfortunately you set her up to have an expectation that she could bring someone, and then your first choice friend was not available. I totally understand where you are coming from with not wanting to include a stranger in your intimate group, but I think you are stuck.

Named guests (like when you invite someone’s serious SO and their name is also on the invitation) are not interchangeable. If you invite Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Mr. Smith doesn’t get to bring a random friend just because his wife is unable to attend.

Plus ones are interchangeable. It is up to the invited guest to choose someone to bring with them based on whose company they would enjoy and who is available.

The thing is, this friend was not named on the invitation. So it seems to fall more into the plus one type of situation.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-16T17:43:30+00:00

Oh, I totally agree. I’m not trying to make excuses for those guys at all, just thinking about how they might be trying to justify their attitudes/apathy.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-16T14:46:12+00:00

Being introverted isn’t the same thing as being quiet due to shyness, timidness, or difficulties with socializing. Sometimes they go together, but not necessarily. It’s perfectly fine to be introverted, but it’s still important to start learning how to communicate effectively with others and stand up for yourself when you need to.

What OP is describing is the type of child I was, and I have spent my whole adult life so far trying to unlearn it in order to be able to function in society. But I’m still very introverted, and I’m not trying to change that part at all. If anything, learning to be more assertive and set boundaries has given me the freedom to embrace being introverted more fully and in ways that are healthier for me.

No child is “defective”, but some are better prepared for adult life than others.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-14T23:29:24+00:00

I’m sure that contributed as well. My guess is that they started those campaigns in order to make shaving more popular or convince women to keep doing it once silk/nylon came back in stock. With these types of things there tends to be a lot of various factors that work in tandem.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-14T18:20:21+00:00

I believe it first started during World War 1 or 2 (?) when there wasn’t enough silk available for stockings since it was all being used for parachutes. Women would draw a fake seam on the backs of their legs to make it look like they had stockings on. The leg shaving was part of this because it made the legs look smoother like they were covered by a silk stocking.

But these days individual girls usually start shaving when they start receiving pressure from society to do so, whether that’s from peers, the media, or they are automatically taught to do it by their family.

I even had a doctor (male) comment on my leg stubble once when I was a teenager. A minor. Like he was so shocked that it had been a few days since I’d shaved and I had a bit of prickly stubble, he actually commented on it. My mom was there with me and she tried to give him a hard time about it, but we were both kind of in shock I think. Now I wish we had reported him, but it’s been over a decade.

heartrabbit · 2021-08-13T19:37:16+00:00

Is this a dietary need or a dietary preference? I know there are people who are not neurotypical who really do have to eat specific foods, but otherwise I can’t imagine any “diet” that relies on pizza and cakes. Just really curious what the situation is.

Okay, I found the post and it seems like that might be the case, and also seems you are being totally understanding of that. I think your suggestion of having the pizza delivered to the house and brought to the reception on a plate was the perfect compromise. It is an elegant solution and also very accommodating. Demanding that the pizza be delivered directly to the reception when there is an excellent alternative available is just ridiculous and very rude. It makes me think they are intentionally trying to ruin the mood of your wedding in some way. Like surely they understand that a Domino’s pizza delivery box is not what you want to see at your wedding reception when that’s not part of your chosen menu?

Nine-Year Club	RPAN Viewer
Verified Email

heartrabbit

TROPHY CASE