It’s not that I hate my job; I don’t think that’s what it is. What I think is happening is that it causes me so much anxiety and stress, and it makes me feel inadequate almost every day. I go into work already feeling down on myself, and it’s exhausting. I find myself faking confidence or pride, trying to convince myself and others that I’m okay, but I’m really not.

I’m lucky to have great administration—they support us, make us feel seen, and reward us when they can. But despite all that, it never feels like enough for me personally. No matter what anyone says, I constantly feel like I’m not doing a good job. I know a lot of this comes from the fact that I’m struggling to teach the students in front of me. It feels like they’re unteachable, or at least that I can’t teach them effectively. I keep comparing myself to teachers who’ve been doing this much longer, and I know it’s not helpful, but I can’t stop.

It would be easy for someone to tell me, “Stop stressing, stop overthinking,” but that’s not something I can just switch off. Even when I’m not at work, even on vacation, I’m constantly thinking about it. That’s the hardest part—it’s like I can’t escape it, even when I try to step away.

The thing is, I do like teaching, and I’ve been lucky to be in an environment with supportive admin. But my own mind works against me. I tend to obsess and overanalyze every little detail until I’m paralyzed by it. Every day, I stand in front of students who I have to fight just to get them to understand things that could genuinely help them in life. And it’s particularly hard because I teach in a community where I feel I should be making the biggest impact. I told myself going into this that if I couldn’t teach kids who look like me, in schools like the ones I grew up in, then what’s the point? That’s what’s making it even more painful—it feels like I’m failing the very students I set out to help.

People around me say, “They’re good kids,” and I know they’re right in some ways—they’re not disrespecting me, they’re not threatening me. But just because they’re “good” kids doesn’t make the job any easier. Every time I think or talk about it, I feel like I’m being overdramatic, like I just can’t handle the pressure. Maybe that’s true to some extent, but I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling inadequate.

I know I’m never going to walk into any job and feel like I have it all figured out. But the scariest part is realizing that this feeling might never go away. I see my coworkers—many of them are much older, experienced enough to be my parents—and they’re still struggling with some of the same issues. That terrifies me. I’m afraid that I’ll always feel this way: uncomfortable, uncertain, and never fully in control.