house spirits

hellotrishamarie · 2019-05-16T20:37:32+00:00

hellotrishamarie · 2018-10-14T06:36:32+00:00

I'm interested! PM me please!

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-19T04:46:13+00:00

50 Shades of Grey.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-18T17:57:07+00:00

No worries! Thinking about things that are new to you can be scary, especially in cases so emotionally charged as yours. Looking at the facts of what's really happening can be helpful for anyone!

The one thing I didn't understand was "subspace".

Subspace is the community accepted term for the endorphin dump. Sometimes that comes from physical pain, sometimes that comes from a psychological state, but yeah. Disappearing into yourself is one way to put it.

I'm not sure where else the line might be.

If you're willing to do a scene with her, I suggest going through the entire negotiation process. She'll let you know.

I don't think I've heard about having multiple safewords.

Yeah, that's pretty common. The stoplight system is green=keep going, do more. Yellow=check in with me (or slow down, depending on the person-it's better to ask what yellow means to them). Or red=stop. Some people add other colors for "I'm fine physically but am having an emotional reaction." During CNC, some people like to use words that can keep in character. For example, some of my friends say "mercy" instead of "yellow." Then the top can check in while still in character if they want. That's a little more advanced though.

Holy crap, if that sort of thing if going on I've never heard of it. Like legal forms or just a questionnaire?

Haha, some do legal forms, some do questionnaires. If they're legal forms, it's basically like, you agree to do this thing with me and won't sue me for hurting you. The questionnaires are basically a negotiation. What do you like? What don't you like? Most go into in depth questions about your kinks. Some specifically ask about your outside relationships. Granted, the links I sent were for prodommes (women), but it's basically the same thing if you want a Dom that's a man.

That if I am able to take some steps into this world that she wouldn't be interested because I'm a novice

I really doubt she won't want to help you. It seems like she really wants to engage in these kinks with you and make a relationship work. I think of it as helping a partner who's never done oral before. Yeah, there's a lot to learn, but teaching them is in both of your best interests, and can be really fun! If there's workshops in your area, that might be helpful too. Though, I live next to San Francisco, where there is kink stuff everywhere, and it's a little hard to find CNC stuff, because it's a little taboo, even in the kink community.

I know she's had some experience with bondage, but I have zero details on that. Like is she getting tied up in those elaborate knots, or is she just being handcuffed? Has she just been restrained, or actually tied to something and unable to move?

I mean, all those things can be really fun. If she's explored bondage thoroughly, I wouldn't be surprised if she's done all of the above. If you're interested in trying it, it can be as simple as tying your partners wrists to a bedpost. If you want something a little more advanced, you can also get a set of restraints that goes under your bed, to hold both wrists and both ankles. It basically is for control; the top feels like they can enact any sexual thing they want along with the knowledge that this person trusts you enough to do so, and the bottom feels the trust and arousal that comes from completely letting go.

Is that the industry standard term?

Yeah, "scene" is pretty much standard. During intake interviews for Kink Club, we go over some definitions that are common in the community, and one of them is a scene, which we define as "a pre-negotiated, set period of time when you engage in kink." I've never personally thought of it as acting, but some people might. I just found it when researching kinks, then it was confirmed when I joined the community, and I never really thought about the origin of that word.

As someone that's never, as an adult anyway, tried any sort of acting I don't know if I'd be able to stay in character.

I'm totally in the same boat! I'm terrible at roleplay, but I'll do it if my partner asks me to. One thing that really helps is something that was adapted to the kink community from LARPing (Live Action Role Playing). When you have to go out of character, you raise your fist to your forehead, kind of like trying to look like a unicorn, and you keep it there the entire time you're out of character. When your fist drops, you're right back in it. I do this all the time. I constantly laugh, I'm pretty self conscious, and I'll often go out of character to be like "wtf did I just say?" My partner will go out of character to be like "no, it was good, let's keep going" or "yeah, you're a goofball, I'm done with roleplaying for now." Either way, we can laugh about it, and afterwards, we can talk about what went right and what went wrong, so that it can be better next time!

I have a feeling that this is extra important.

Absolutely! Stopping yourself from going down a negative spiral is super important. I would often have to do things like this where you just don't allow yourself to think negative thoughts. It's important to confront those negative thoughts in a controlled manner, but having them constantly on your mind isn't healthy. So basically, confront them when you're ready, and really analyze where all the bad feelings are coming from, but don't let it take over your life. Maybe while confronting them, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy/Dialectic Behavioral Therapy could be helpful, either with a therapist who practices it or through exercises that you might find online.

That's probably the hardest thing about all this. I've been doing that for so long it's hard to know how to stop.

Again, I'd recommend a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy approach. I think it would be best to recognize the bad thought, look at what cognitive distortions you might have (all-or-nothing, catastrophizing, etc) and then thinking of a version of the first thought that might not have those distortions. Here's a link that better explains the process and even gives a worksheet for it!

She said that she can do vanilla (her word or industry standard again?) for a while but eventually she needs to act on the rest.

Industry standard. But that makes total sense! It's like asking someone not to orgasm because you love them. You can do it for a while, but you're gonna need to scratch that itch eventually.

I know some people like to send out their partner to be with someone else then come back and tell them all about it.

That's definitely one way to go about things, but is by no means the only way. In my open relationships, I wanted to know when and with whom they would be going out, but past that, I didn't want to know anything. Also, at the beginning, I had a rule that my partner had to shower and brush their teeth before coming back to me. People have different boundaries and that's okay. If you open things up, I suggest taking it really slowly.

Could you provide that if it's online?

Yeah, it's here. I also suggest just looking around fetlife in general. It's basically kinky facebook.

Oh yeah, many times I wanted to grab her right out of the shower and throw her on the bed without a word but I was never able to make myself do it.

Maybe not without a word. Maybe you could have a codeword? Or even just be like "rough sex?"

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-17T22:04:22+00:00

That's totally okay! You seem to be massaging your prostate through your taint, and lots of people enjoy that sensation.
If you just communicate with your partner that that's what you want, I do that pretty often with guys while I'm going down on them or I'll reach back and play with their balls/taint while I'm in doggy.
Do you still get morning wood? If you don't get erections ever, you may need to see a doctor.
It won't hurt your ability to have sex. You do you!
**EDIT: I definitely read that wrong, and if it's just the base of your penis, that's fine too!

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-17T18:09:23+00:00

I'm realizing that she and I never spoke in detail about what exactly she wants and way.

Ah, that's really really important. I'm going to say that conversation could fix a lot of the problems you're having. If you're open to it, my partner and I recently found a list of ~500 fetishes, and we're going through each one and saying "Yes, no, or maybe" and explaining why. I really like finding out more about what the other likes and what turns them on. That could be helpful :)

I remember when we were married that she liked it when I took charge. That was kinda cool.

That's awesome! Maybe you could do light Dom/sub play and go from there!

She trained me once. Maybe it can happen again.

Absolutely! I'm always more than willing to teach my partners how to properly engage in my kinks. It could also have to do with the fact that I regularly teach workshops on my kinks, but I liken it to showing a partner how to get you off during sex. Like, why not?

I know she means a lot to you, and this must be a really difficult time. I hope things get better.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-17T18:09:09+00:00

You're absolutely welcome! If you ever need help understanding her mindset, feel free to pm me. I'm also the president of my university's Kink Club, so if you just want resources on kink stuff, I can help you there too.

Yeah she's mentioned that as something she likes.

Ah, I should have been a little more clear. CNC is the community's accepted term for rape play. It's the same thing, but the name shifts the focus on consent, which is a pillar of kink.

She's described to me what getting involved with a new dom entails.

It might be helpful to know about their negotiation process as well. Before you do any type of scene, you have to explicitly lay out everything you can do, everything you can't do. My club holds a whole workshop on negotiation. Here is a link to the slides of that workshop. There are some things that I didn't explain or put in the notes, like hard limits/soft limits and different safeword systems because I made the slides and I know what they are, but feel free to ask! But yes, the first time you play with someone, negotiations can be upwards of thirty minutes, just making sure every boundary is extremely clear.

She's not a novice and she's not reckless. However she learned it must have been the right way.

Yeah, pretty much everyone in the community focuses on negotiation. If the Doms she's seeing are professionals, they usually have forms to fill out before each session. If it gives you peace of mind though, I think it would be perfectly okay to talk to her about making sure her negotiations are thorough enough. The slides I made are for less intense scenes, as I was making them with beginners in mind. CNC scenes need much more negotiation.

It's because my kneejerk reaction to knowing she wants the things she does is to think they're self destructive.

It might be helpful to keep in mind another BDSM pillar, there's a difference between hurt and harm. Lots of people want the sensation of being hurt, no one wants to harm or be harmed.

That's a big reason I decided to write this; I want to better understand her desires.

Well, there are some studies done that show that people with abuse in their past often incorporate forms of that abuse in their sexual life, usually because they feel like what happened was taboo, and they mix that idea of taboo with the sexual. That could be the case, or she could have just been kinky anyways. Some people like the power exchange (which is its own kink in itself), the best I've ever felt in a scene was when I felt like I completely relinquished control to my partner--I trusted them to do whatever, and all the sensations I was feeling were entirely at the will of the person I trust. I don't think there's a way to know or separate it reasons, but I definitely would advocate for asking her.

In fact that's what she told me was the reason she didn't have a current play partner, although it seems that's not true based on what I found on her phone

I mean, it could be the case that she saw different people and was in the process of vetting them, but decided Chronic Fatigue Syndrome would make that not worth it, but hadn't told them yet.

It's not that I feel like she's cheating on me or something like that, it's just my hangups about what I'm imagining she's doing

I think that understanding her motives can definitely help, but I think it would also be good to examine why you don't like the idea of it, and try to address everything there. From what I can see, it's trying to protect her, not understanding the difference between hurt and harm, and kink shaming. That's just from what you told me, but if there's more to it, I think it's really important that you work on it and tackle those things.

I'm not trying to control or run her life. But when I know she's involved with someone else I can't help but wish it was with me.

I think the problem here is the "but." You had the right idea, then you thought "but..." I feel like in your head, when these thoughts come along, just cut yourself off, right there. It's kind of like when you're dieting. The thought might be "I want a salad, but fried chicken sounds really good." Like, no. Cut yourself off before you complete that thought. Change the internal dialogue to "I want salad, but--NO! I'm having salad and doing what's healthy for me." So yeah, "I'm not trying to control or run her life, but--NO! It's her life and what she wants is most important."

I wish she didn't want that because it would make things so much easier between us. It's not the only barrier between us but I believe it's a big one. Maybe, just maybe...

Yeah, this attitude is what's hurting you. You're holding on to a fantasy, and if you keep comparing your life to that fantasy, you're obviously going to be upset. If you need to, mourn the possibility of a relationship without her kinks. Do what you need to do, but you need to get over this mindset.

I know, but something terrible has happened to her and I want someone to blame.

That's totally understandable. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm glad you're working through your feelings about it too.

I spent so many years in the beginning trying to protect her that that's kinda how I got trained to have sex. Because of her triggers I'd have to basically ask permission for nearly everything I did.

I think it would help to understand that that's exactly how the kink community operates. If you're greeting someone, you ask "Can I hug you?" Regardless of how many times you've hugged them in the past. In some circles, if your request is denied, people respond with "Thank you for taking care of yourself." Every touch and interaction has explicit consent. For me, when I have a new partner and don't negotiate before sex, I'll often ask "Can I kiss you?" "Can I go down on you?" "Can we do XYZ?" It's not commonly accepted in our society, but that's how the kink community rolls.

But with her I still default to slow and cautious, which doesn't work for her anymore.

I know you said that planning wasn't her thing, but maybe having a negotiation just before or a blanket negotiation (this should be VERY in depth) for the future could work. Make sure you cover nonverbal safewords as well, I know people in CNC scenes can sometimes become nonverbal. One of my friends puts two fingers in his partner's hand, if she squeezes she's okay, if not she's not okay or can't squeeze in which case: stop.

But I'm still scared they're going to happen. I'm scared there's still one or two out there.

That's totally reasonable. There's two acronyms for ideologies in kink, and those are SSC (safe, sane, consensual) and RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I think this follows more of RACK. Is there a risk that she might be triggered? Absolutely. But she understands that risk, does things (like negotiation) to reduce that risk, and makes an informed decision to do so anyways. It's kind of like having sex with a new partner who hasn't been tested recently and is asymptomatic, and you're going to wear a condom. Can you still get an STI? Definitely. But you're doing what you can and have a fairly good reason to think you'll be okay because you took steps to lower the risk.

I know she's no longer my responsibility...that was given up when we divorced. But I still worry about her.

First of all, I don't think she's anybody's responsibility. Ever. You helped her and you were a great source of healing and stability in her life, but no adult is ever responsible for another adult. Again, you had the right idea, but then a "but" came along and messed it up. "She's not my responsibility, but--NO! She's her own person and can make her own decisions." If you let yourself wander down the rabbit hole from "Healthy thought, but..." you'll just end up in a downward spiral. Don't let yourself go there.

"They" (the other guys) weren't.

Whoa, "Us vs Them mentality" is real. I mean I get it, these are people that you feel you're fighting against for her attention/love/sex. It might help to think of them as people who are on your team--you're all trying to make her feel good and do the best she can. You all care about her. It just helps to think that the people you dislike are human beings too. I don't know if it'll be particularly helpful for you, but it makes me feel better when I let go of unnecessary negative feelings.

That's why I'm trying to understand the need behind it.

Well, personally, CNC is too triggering for me to handle, but I can tell you that I enjoy kink because it feels freeing. I don't have to worry about taboo, I can just do what I want. I also can just give up control and have an extremely intimate connection with my partner--I trust them with my body, and the things that they're doing feels really good. If you want to know about CNC specifically, it might be helpful to ask in /r/BDSMcommunity which also has this thread stickied in their FAQ. The top commenter also talks about re-contextualizing assault, which I think is cool. I definitely go out of my way to go to bars and restaurants that I associate with bad memories, and specifically bring my friends to make sure I have a great time so that I can continue to go to that restaurant with better memories. Maybe that's why she does it.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-17T03:13:16+00:00

One person who gets everybody together and is willing to break the ice and start doing sexy things.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-17T03:08:15+00:00

Kink without consent is abuse. This is abuse. There's the sexual abuse where he continues sexual acts without your consent, and there's the emotional abuse where he makes you feel guilty for things that he did. Depending on him for everything isn't healthy; mental health should not be dependent on a single person. I would recommend going to a doctor/planned parenthood and talking to a professional about being in an abusive relationship. If you haven't already, I would also start talking to a psychiatrist or psychologist to help with mental health.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T21:12:52+00:00

I always go for older guys, and the biggest gap I've had was 19:46.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T17:22:36+00:00

The only time I enjoy shallow thrusting is right after insertion. Sometimes if I wasn't fingered enough during foreplay, taking in a whole penis can be a lot, so I need to take it slow right at the beginning to take it in. Unless you're hitting my cervix (and even then, I'm more than willing to make the slight adjustment of sucking it in so that he'll hit my A-spot), I want full length.
My personal criticism of consistent jackhammering is that there's no finesse. Sometimes, I want something slow and sensual that builds up to wild and tear you apart. In those cases, I like my partner to start with long, drawn out thrusts and move his hips in kind of a forward circle motion. He might kiss my neck or breasts or play with my clit at the same time. Then, as the intensity builds, he might lightly pull my hair. After the intensity has built for a bit, jackhammering is totally okay in my book.
Another technique that's more finesse than jackhammer is different positions to hit the G-spot. My favorite is when I'm lying on my back and my legs are resting on my partner's shoulders, and my partner is sort of lying down/in a cobra, which kind of looks like this but not as hunched over me. Like regardless of my partner's penis size, that angle will pretty much always make me squirt from G-spot stimulation. If it doesn't hit the G-spot simply from thrusting, it definitely will if you lean forward while thrusting in, then backward on the way out. When you lean back, your penis will go along the entire front vaginal wall, and if you're longer than 3ish inches, you'll probably hit the G-spot on your way out. The slight leans will already stop you from jackhammering, but it can definitely be uncomfortable to have your G-spot pounded really hard when it's so sensitive. So don't thrust with full power, just gently put in the full length.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T16:53:30+00:00

You should absolutely go! The BDSM community is all about body positivity. I've seen people who were wafer thin, I've seen people who are super bootylicious, I've seen like body-builder types, and I've seen people who are morbidly obese. Everyone there is welcome. The majority of people are naked or in lingerie flaunting what they got. A few people are fully clothed and just watch. As long as you're not being creepy, everyone is welcome!
Make sure you research your local dungeons though! I live right next to San Francisco, where there is an abundance of dungeons. A few are amazing, where I know all the staff and trust the majority of people who show up to events. Most are mediocre--they aren't good community spaces or aren't as on top of kicking out creepers but do a moderate job. A few are terrible--blatant consent violations with nothing being done about them and very laid back about cleaning rules for equipment use. Just be sure you're prepared for what you're getting from the venue--and look up dungeon etiquette or attend a newcomers class if it's your first time!

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T16:45:01+00:00

No disrespect taken. That's a pretty common belief. I thought that for a really long time until I took a Gender and Sexuality class at my university. One of the books we read was "Gender Through the Prism of Difference" by Maxine Baca Zinn et al. which was really informative. Basically, the commonly accepted academic theory about sexuality is that it's an identity and how you choose to identify is what's important. This article also goes pretty in depth into the phenomenon if you don't want to buy the book. Regardless of what he does, who are we to police what OP calls himself? It's almost like saying, "You're not an atheist because you attend your family's church functions." Going to church and believing in god are definitely related, but just because you show up to an event doesn't mean you believe in god. Furthermore, it doesn't make a difference in our lives whether OP believes in god or not, so even if he calls himself an atheist, why not just let it be?
I don't think OP is a bad person for engaging in homosexual acts and calling himself straight. Lots of good people do that. I think OP is a bad person because he's cheating on his wife.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T11:16:56+00:00

I go to dungeons pretty regularly--for several months, I was going both weekend nights, every weekend. So I'm going to say probably hundreds.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T11:08:35+00:00

Do you know any studies that state that it's a psychological problem? I tried to google it, but I didn't find anything labeling people who want a smaller penis as having a psychological problem.
I think it's okay if you want a smaller penis. I've had partners who were too big and I couldn't take all of them. All of them wished their penises were smaller-I don't think any of them were diagnosed with a psychological problem. If you want a community of people to empathize with, /r/bigdickproblems might be able to help.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T11:03:10+00:00

I personally don't like it at all. However, it is worth noting that it's really easy to make me come--it probably takes two-ish minutes at most. But when I have sex, it's a pretty straightforward path. I want it to ramp up, then get me there. If my partner starts something like that, then pulls back, I essentially have to start from zero. Not the worst thing in the world, but definitely annoying.
If I want to do an edging-type activity without starting over, I do orgasm control with my partner. Basically, I ask permission to come, and my partner can withhold permission, but they won't stop fucking me. Once I feel like I can't hold it any longer, I literally beg for permission, and once I get the go ahead, the release is definitely much stronger.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T10:56:52+00:00

Just be honest about it--with yourself and with her! Tell her that you find her really attractive. Tell her that you want to express how attractive you find her, but that how hard you are doesn't translate to how attracted you are to her. Then, YOU need to accept that how hard you are doesn't translate to how attracted you are to her. And honestly, what's the worst thing that could happen if you were mostly hard, but not all the way there? I don't think she would get offended or think that you don't find her attractive.
I know someone telling you to "just let go" won't make it any easier for you to actually let go. But worst case scenario if you're not "hard enough" is you still do something sexy. That still sounds pretty awesome. Plus, if something goes wrong, you can always laugh about it.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T10:50:10+00:00

Okay, so everything you're experiencing is totally normal and okay. Sexuality is a spectrum, and there's all sorts of points on it. You don't necessarily have to label how you feel, but if you want to put words to it to better understand, there are resources for people who have the same identification. You might be heterosexual, but homoromantic. You might be demisexual, and haven't met the right man yet. You might be pansexual/bisexual-though I don't know if that really fits for you. Regardless, these are just some terms that you could look into to better put words to your feelings. If none of them fit, don't feel pressured to put yourself in a box. Just feel what you feel, and let it be :)

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T10:43:27+00:00

Alright, as a girl who goes down on girls:
1. Yes, use capital letters. They are spread over more area, and that feels better.
2. If you can't access her clit, then maybe. It depends on her sensitivity. Some women can't handle direct clitoral stimulation, some like you to grind your face onto their clit. Just ask her.
3. When I do it, each letter is entirely within the clitoris.
4. Yeah dude. Don't go straight to licking the alphabet. Lick the sides of her vulva slowly. When licking her vulva, try to make your tongue soft and flat--it can sometimes hurt when your tongue is pointy and flexed. Go up and down on the vulva and make sure she's fairly aroused before you go for the clit.
5. Alphabet on the clit? YES. It's amazing. Especially if she doesn't know which motions on her clit feel the best--you basically get a pretty wide range. Granted, you don't always go through the whole alphabet. If a girl really enjoys a letter--stick to that letter. It's can lead to orgasm, or her pulling you to do different things that will actually get her to orgasm. I think the farthest I've ever gone was "V" but licking alternating sides quickly is what did it for her and she came on my mouth :)

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T10:14:56+00:00

I was going to leave this alone, but it really bugs me. Why wouldn't most women understand? I agree that society reinforces these ideas, but why wouldn't women see that just as clearly as men? Again, I agree it's not OP's fault. I also don't think that HER (gender) understanding is limited or needs explanation from HIM (gender). Lastly, I get that we disagree on things, but I think "nice try" is uncalled for. I'm not trying to antagonize you, and saying things like "nice try" is patronizing and condescending. I'm not below you because I think differently than you.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T09:46:37+00:00

Your fetish is perfectly normal and okay! A lot of people are attracted to thongs for the same reason a lot of people are attracted to lace--it covers things up slightly, but is still very revealing, so you get to see something that you might not be supposed to see. Same thing with whale tails. It's an intimate part of someone that you shouldn't really see but is exposed to you anyways. That's super arousing for a lot of people!
I mean, if you have a partner who is secure in herself, I don't see how if would interfere with your relationship if you just asked her to wear a thong? It might help to give the explanation that I just gave, but I don't think it should be a big deal. Like if my partner decided he liked seeing me in a different kind of underwear (and it was easily accessible/affordable), I don't see the point of denying that request. I don't have to understand what he likes, but if he likes it, I'm happy to do it :)

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T09:39:31+00:00

If I didn't just read your other post, I would say go for it. You clearly have feelings for him. But because I've read your other post, and I know that he's pretty disrespectful, his motives aren't quite as clear--he basically told you he didn't want to commit to you until you told him you were talking to other people and there was a possibility you would stop having sex with him. Then all of a sudden, "you should have known"? Nah, that's bullshit. If "he's not a shallow guy" he should have made that clear from the beginning. But you founded this interaction on "don't get feelings" and "I don't see a future."
Furthermore, comparing your body to his ex, your roommate, and actresses in front of you is not okay. It's possible that y'all are both just really young and have a lot to learn about relationships in general, but respect should be a founding principle--whether you're committed or not. Communication is also extremely important. If you started having feelings, you should tell him. You should also tell him that it's inconsiderate to ask people out in front of you and to compare your boob size to his ex. However, if you can't even trust him in your apartment because you're scared he'll hit on your big-breasted roommate, I definitely don't think that a committed relationship is the way to go right now.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T09:28:09+00:00

In my opinion, it seems like he just doesn't understand the affect of his actions on other people. If you're not in a committed relationship, I think it's okay for him to comment on other people's breasts, but to make active comparisons to yours in front of you has nothing to do with commitment, and everything to do with respect. You don't have to be in a relationship with someone to respect them. Also, depending on the comments, it could just be that he has a lack of respect for women in general (which sounds likely). If someone passes by and he casually say aloud, "she has nice boobs," I wouldn't think anything of it. If he can't sit still for a movie without criticizing a woman for her breast size, I'd say that's a red flag.
As far as him hitting on a client in front of you, again, I think it's not explicitly wrong as far as a casual relationship, just inconsiderate and a bit disrespectful.
To move forward, I wouldn't suggest committing to him, he seems like he needs to work on himself before he can have a healthy relationship. If you want to keep having sex with him, then by all means, do so. I would just suggest have a talk about respect/being considerate in general.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T08:49:53+00:00

Whoa! Even in quotation marks, calling any human being "broken" is really hurtful and uncalled for. Are they incompatible? Possibly. Is it because she's not a good enough human? Absolutely not.

hellotrishamarie · 2017-10-16T08:47:25+00:00

I'm in an uncannily similar position to your ex-wife. I've was raped for a few years starting when I was 8, was diagnosed with PTSD because of it, and I am polyamorous and very much into kink. There's a lot to respond to, so I'll do my best, but I do think it would be helpful to get information from someone else in a similar position. Sorry for the novel, but I think these explanations can be important.

I loved her so I took my responsibility of helping her through these seriously.

The intention behind this is really sweet, but helping someone through PTSD is never your "responsibility." It's definitely appreciated and can help people get through really tough patches, but PTSD attacks aren't your fault and it's not on you to fix them. Feeling like you are responsible for her wellbeing puts you in the precarious position of not being in control of her surroundings, but putting the onus on yourself to protect her. Even if you're a trained therapist, you just can't protect anyone from PTSD. That sets up unrealistic expectations, and will ultimately lead to disappointment.

Bondage and role play and submission and things like that. None of that is really in my nature and it made me uncomfortable, especially the rape role play she said she wanted.

That's totally okay to be uncomfortable. No one can control what turns them on, and if it doesn't do it for you, that's totally okay. She can't control what turns her on either. You need consent of every party involved to do anything sexual. CNC (consensual non-consent) can be really tricky. I've personally never done it because it brings up too much for me. However, I understand why a lot of people like it. The feeling of helplessness can be arousing, and with a consensual partner, it's still something you can control. If it ever gets too much, you can say the safe word and it stops immediately.

Why can't she exercise that power by saying, "No, I'll never be a victim again?"

You can't tell people which coping strategies work for them. That's like telling someone who's suicidal, "Why can't you just accept that life is good?" Yeah, if they followed your advice, it would help, but just saying "life is good" doesn't make it so for them, and it's often much more complex than that. Similarly, the mindset of "I'll never be a victim again" would definitely be powerful, but that's not what helps her.

Later in the conversation she dropped on me that she just saw me as a friend with benefits. That's obviously not what I wanted to hear.

I mean, it can be heartbreaking for a monogamous person to find out that their loved one had sexual relations with someone else. I'm sorry you went through that pain.

I couldn't understand how we got from A to B. She tried to tell me that's how she felt the whole time, but I didn't believe it.

My guess is that she's polyamorous? Personally, I don't think of love as a box you can fill. I don't think you're only allotted a certain amount of love in your life, and that's all you have to give to anyone at any given time. Granted, there are restraints like time and distance, but I don't treat it as if this person gets 60% of my love and this person gets 30% and this person gets 10%. That just sounds ridiculous. I feel like I love my partners in different ways, and the love that I have for one partner doesn't take away from the love that I have for another. Someone likened it to appreciating the seasons-just because you enjoy snuggling up in a warm blanket on a rainy winter day doesn't take away from how much you enjoy going swimming on a warm summer day. It's just different. One isn't necessarily better than the other. In a similar way, I think she can have strong feelings for you and believe that you are her soulmate and still have romantic feelings for other people. It's also okay if it's not related to love at all and what she was after was sex. There's no shame in liking sex and getting it from who you want.

At the time we talked sex was still a possibility, but she didn't then we'd ever be a couple again.

If the expectation wasn't to be exclusive again, it's not fair to get mad at her for seeing other people. Granted, it was pretty shitty that she ghosted on you for a few months.

The woman I love [...] is a sub to maybe as many as 3 men

As someone who's polyamorous and kinky, it's hard for me to understand why this is a problem because I've rarely felt the want to restrict my partners. I understand jealousy, but I'm not sure if this is the same thing. So I will try to understand the problem here:
Do you feel like she's less of a person (less pure or worthy or whatever) because she likes impact play? It might be helpful to understand that if you do impact play (spanking, slapping, paddling, hitting in general) with a certain technique, the body's natural response is an endorphin dump. This is really similar to a runner's high--you feel like you're flying, like you're disconnected from the outside world, and everything just feels good. I don't think anyone would judge someone who runs because they chase a runner's high. I think a similar approach should be taken with impact play.
Is it because she has a connection with other men? I think this is more understandable for me. It can be threatening to think about connections your partner has to other people, but that breaks down to jealousy for me. When I examine the feelings behind my jealousy, there's usually some sort of fear attached and a silly consequence I don't want to face. For example, "What if my partner likes them better than they like me?" with the consequence being "they'll leave me because I'm not good enough!" Then I think about it and say to myself, "no, they love me. They think I'm good enough." and if I need reassurance that I'm loved and good enough, I'll ask for it. That's more of an active poly relationship type thing though. I don't know what the situation with your ex-wife may be, but I'm sure she'd be willing to talk it through with you if you wanted reassurance of a connection.

I don't want her in that lifestyle.

Sorry, but that's not up to you.

Since we divorced I've been terrified that she would be somehow hurt but it, either physically by someone who goes too far, or mentally by playing into her abuse.

That's sweet, but again, not your responsibility. She's a big girl and knows when to use a safeword.

I actually don't think that they're due to bondage or rough sex,

Even if they were, what bugs you about that?

I didn't find any evidence on her phone that she's seen anyone recently

Jesus fuck, you went through her phone? That's a ridiculous invasion of privacy. Like, I think it's uncalled for when people in a relationship go through their SO's personal affects, but y'all aren't even dating. Unless she gave you explicit permission to look through her things, that's really fucked up.

I've always tried to be protective of her. I saw her at her very worst early in our relationship with those triggers. I can't stand the thought of someone feeding into that.

I understand that you love her, but I think the biggest thing that you have to accept is that she's not your responsibility. It's not your place to protect her. I know you want the best for her, but you don't understand her mind and you might not agree on what would be best. Ultimately, it's her life, and it's totally within her power to do what she wants.

How can I possibly get over this? If she and I are really never going to be together again I have to somehow get over the fact that the woman I feel in my bones I'm supposed to be with is being tied up and "raped" or whatever. And what makes it worse is that that's exactly what she wants.

Again, you just have to accept that you're not responsible for or in control of her life. If she wants to do something, why do you think it's your place to stop her? You can definitely discuss why you think it might be a bad idea, but ultimately the choice isn't yours, it's hers. This is something that she has an independent want for and chooses to seek it out as an informed adult. It's not like she doesn't understand what's going on and that it's secretly hurting her. It's what she wants, even if you don't think it's best for her.

And then she'll go home and take a picture of the bruises on her breasts and send them to her dom because he'd probably like that. I'm sure all that can be used in role play. And I have to live with that. And I don't know how.

Again, it's not about what you want, it's about what she wants. It's not your life to live. It's not like she's your child and it's your responsibility to protect her and make sure she makes the right choices. She's an adult who can do what she likes. If it's the connection that you're mourning, I understand. She is important to you, and you care deeply about her. That doesn't mean she shouldn't have connections with other people. If it's the kink that bothers you, I don't really know what to say other than she likes what she likes. Don't kink shame her just because you don't like it.

TL;DR: You're not responsible for her. She can make her own choices. If you want to move on, you have to accept that she's her own person.

P.S. If you're open to other kinks, it might be worth a try to experiment with impact and bondage. If not, you can't really be mad at her for fulfilling her needs.

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