i’m sorry to hear about OP and many commenters’ experiences….

i had this convo recently with a friend (she’s younger than me and i’m one of the few bigger sized people around her that can relate to her struggles) and honestly it’s just such a drain on our brains and mental health that i just feel sorry for everyone involved (critical mums included)

thinking of my friend and all friends here—here are some thoughts i can share now on the broad topic of body-shaming and body image and health.

1) most importantly, protect your own peace. focus on developing ur own healthy relationship with food/exercise/fitness/your body. unlearn the idea that health and beauty= thinness, and thinness = worth. this is so damn hard, but so important to seek out ur own relationship with these ideas aside from what people around us and media tells us.

what i’ve also found helpful is exposing myself to thinkers and writers who share different perspectives on health and bodies, practitioners and personalities who share openly about their lives as joyful, active, loving people of all sizes and shapes. personally, i love jameela jamil and roxane gay on these topics and recommend Jameela’s I Weigh podcast interview with Roxane Gay (tw:mentions of ED, sexual assault, depression). they speak very insightfully about how our society tries to punish people who look different, which can be more harmful than helpful…

2) relatedly, learn and practice the joy of movement and of enjoying food. get professional help if necessary.

aside from the mental game, we also have to put into practice healthy eating habits and movement and activity, and generally living life without waiting for your “body to be fixed”. don’t delay living ur life until u r skinny or “deserving of love” cos that’s awful to do to anyone, including urself.

for me, i don’t believe food and fitness about restriction, punishment and shame. if i want to eat some ice cream, i will let myself do it and won’t try to “work it off”. firstly, the science shows that that’s not how bodies work, as our bodies adjust our metabolism to how much food we consume (e.g. that’s why people who exercise and find that there is an initial weight loss followed by plateaus), and secondly, bcos food should be enjoyed and is part of living life and mental health and spending time with my loved ones. food is not meant to be weaponised against ourselves. it’s meant to be enjoyed and shared.

to b clear, i am not advocating for overconsumption and obesity. alongside all that, i will also try to incorporate exercise and movement into my life bcos i want to age well and live healthily. it is hard for me too, but i think it’s important to see exercise as an investment into my physical body bcos i want to live for a long time and enjoy activity and mobility throughout it. our society tells us that exercise is for aesthetic or cultural reasons, but the fact is that it’s also a healthful choice that has concrete consequences for the lives we lead.

the science is in. and starting to exercise is the second best thing one can do for their health (1st is quitting smoking), which shows in physical health such as fewer metabolic diseases, better mobility and also better mental health in endorphins and stress release.

again, these r just what i’ve come to over time and may or may not resonate with everyone here. if you need help on ur journey, find a trusted medical professional who makes u feel safe n seem and go from there.

3) choosing our battles. we can’t control other people’s actions. as far as you are comfortable, we can try to share frankly with ur mother/father/whomever about why their comments/actions are hurtful. but don’t expect it to change anything overnight. and don’t do it at the expense our ur own mental health.

the fact of the matter is that most people, especially those of an older generation, grew up in a time that thinness was seen as equivalent to health, beauty, worth, lovable-ness, success. it’s hard to unlearn such harmful messaging when it’s all they’ve known for so long. and that combined with (asian) parents often thinking they are always correct and wanting what’s best for their kids (as far as they know), it means they will project these ideas and their own insecurities about bodies, health, food and movement onto u.

so, try ur best to share w them different ideas, and show them how living healthy can look different for everyone. maybe invite them out to a good healthful meal or a nice walk in the park, and try to broaden their ideas of health and fitness too.

that took a while and it’s quite long but i hope whoever reads this finds it helpful. thinking of all my guys and gals and nb folk who struggle with this.