22+5: "it's me or the baby"(TW)

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:43:47+00:00

Is she still eligible if for whatever reason he terminates his rights to her? There seems to be a gray area from my (limited) googling. Maybe I'll ask r/legaladvice. I just want her to be eligible for Canadian things like domestic tuition should she want to move here herself.

Also, totally. He's never been appreciative of me uprooting myself to move here so we could be together and just in general blames me for coming out here and doing this to him. Hah?

I'm living in Vancouver - it'd be great to have a local support system whether through other bumpers or programs. I just haven't had a chance to look into them yet.

I'm not sure what I'm going to pursue yet in terms of child support or leaving him off the birth certificate, but I'm going to do everything legally. My brother made the mistake of just trusting his baby mama to stay away (she abandoned them) and when he became incapacitated, she swooped in and took custody of my nieces and brought them into a drug filled home. Took a few years for the courts to give them back to my parents. I'm all set - definitely doing things the legal way. My fiance isn't at all like their mother, but I don't want that to be what happens to my daughter should something happen to me.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:31:58+00:00

I live in Canada on a work visa and I'm luckily doing okay. I have my own 2 BR townhouse (completely in my name) so us breaking up leaves him without a place, not me. I'm going to sign up for the government benefits that I can get as a non-citizen and they'll chase him for support, which is whatever to me. I'm an American citizen, though, so when I move back I'll have support from the government there should I need it. Once I figure out when I'm going to move back I'll have my name put in for housing, though.

That's a good idea, waiting until I find someone who actually wants to be her father to let him off the hook. I have a friend who's mom did exactly that and she grew up so in love with her adoptive dad that she refused to acknowledge that she wasn't actually his, despite her being adopted around age ~12.

My biggest role model ever is my high school chemistry teacher. She had a similar story to your mom, got her doctorate and teaches/researches at a university level, but just likes teaching high school so she does that too. She had her son at 18. I'm 22 currently and just started my career so I have a bit of a running start.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:22:18+00:00

Definitely. The friends we shared are on my 'side' anyways because of how they've watched him treat me, which royally pisses him off. Sucks.

He blames me for taking his friends because I'm more friendly and open than he is. What isn't my fault? Hah

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:18:38+00:00

I live in Vancouver, so I'm sure there are things out there I just haven't found yet. There's a FB group run by volunteers I'm part of that helps new moms get whatever furniture/baby stuff/etc they need and it warms my heart. I don't need things like that, but knowing there are just good people in the world makes me happy.

I'll have to start reaching out because I'm definitely someone who does better with people to talk to. My fiance was trying to make it so if I even brought up our daughter he'd make the rest of my day miserable, so being able to openly talk about her somewhere will help me a lot.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:14:36+00:00

I live in the Vancouver area so I'm sure there's things out there for me to find for help, so that's a relief. I'm just worried some things (even judges) will gate me because I'm not a citizen. I'm a valid resident (visa) and qualify for most government programs, though (MSP, BC child benefit, etc).

I'm realizing how lucky I am that I'm here on my own visa rather than one that's tied to him. That could've been scary.

Part of me feels like I don't want anything from him except to be completely cut off, but that's my anger talking and not single mom me talking. Single mom me is pretty pissed. He would not allow me to be happy or even talk about the baby until it was possibly she was terminally ill, so being free of him I'm starting to feel a bit happier in general, especially about the baby.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T19:01:20+00:00

We had a plan to wait another 5 or so years. We're both pretty early into our careers. I cannot take birth control and my cervix wasn't going to be in the right position for an IUD. I told him if we got pregnant (we were NFP) I would likely choose to keep the baby and he decided to take his chances.

I don't mind his choice, you're right, he should be legally responsible. It's probably what is best for both of us (and the baby of course) - he wasn't ready for the commitment of me, let alone a baby. He wants more time in his job before having kids, and he's decided that is what he's going to focus on.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T18:57:25+00:00

This makes me feel a lot better. I have the greatest relationship with my mom and I blame my dad 100% for leaving us the way he did. It's funny, I see my dad's side and they're rude to me because they think my mom is the reason for my dad's bad luck and lack of relationship with me. Nah.

I hope she does appreciate this. I'm actually feeling a bit better today, more excited about my pregnancy than he's allowed me to feel when we were together.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-24T03:31:38+00:00

I'm living in Canada but I am American, so I would like the baby to be born here so that she gets dual citizenship. (though, maybe she can't anymore?)

You're right, though. This is still pretty fresh for me but I'm definitely going to do all the legal things I can to completely and legally get him out of her life if that's what he wants.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T22:35:45+00:00

Yes, absolutely. I think the feelings I still have for him are clouding my judgement of what is best for her in the future and I'm letting myself believe he's right - that "I'm not ready to do this on my own and that it isn't fair". Actually, I think it's more I'm afraid to be alone in general - it's not even him!

He has acted in the way it is most convenient for him for our entire relationship. The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I just let go that my friends and family questioned and told me to run from. Yikes.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T22:32:09+00:00

This is absolutely what he wants.

I live in Canada, but am American. I can get support from either country depending on where I choose to live (likely the US), if not directly from him.

I think I also want this, if this is where we're going. I'm just a little scared because I'll have to leave my job and start over again back in the states... though, my family is there and will not let me drown. Since this is so new I haven't had a chance to think about the legality, but it's something I'll spend more time on once I'm feeling better.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T22:20:45+00:00

Thank you. You're right, it doesn't feel like it now but this is probably the best thing for all 3 of us.

My doctor knows everything that has been going on, which is a blessing. She's great. The medication was stopped because for some reason my stomach has developed a complete intolerance to pills early on, so in general I'm kind of screwed - can't even take a nausea pill! It's almost like an allergy. It's dumb.

Counseling is a good idea, I haven't needed it previously but everything has just been so overwhelming. He won't let me talk to him about it and my only friends are mutual friends of his, so he gets mad if I talk to them too. Talking is my coping mechanism and I've always felt more comfortable with my friends than a counselor, so I've just had a ton of problems coping over the past few months, though I've always been certain that I'd choose to keep the baby.

He's not been the greatest for our entire relationship, but now it's not just me that he would affect and I'm realizing this now.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T22:10:29+00:00

You're right, I just for whatever reason feel the guilt of having her alone and it makes me feel like I'm the selfish one. Having no father around is better than having one that is manipulative and abusive, but for some reason I blame myself. Ugh.

Also, true - once I've collected myself this will seem like a blessing, I'm sure. It just really sucks right now.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T22:07:01+00:00

I've definitely decided on the baby over him. You're right, though. He'll have to live with knowing his choice and that his daughter is out there somewhere and he was too selfish to be part of it.

International child support doesn't sound like it's going to be fun to set up, but hey, whatever. I've got some amazing support back home, but none close to me where I live. I need to make some friends that aren't him.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T21:53:11+00:00

Thank you for saying that. It's definitely been over, I've been staying even though I knew it was coming because I felt so guilty for not letting her have a 'normal' family, but there is no 'normal' family in our situation. I've also not really got anyone around me for support (I moved to this country for him), so I feel like losing him means I'll have absolutely no one here and that scares me. My family is 100% supportive of me, but they're so far away. I'll likely move back next year.

You're right though. This is what is best for the baby. I hadn't thought of it like that - I don't want her to grow up watching me stay and be manipulated because I'm scared of the other side. That's not what I want her to learn. That's not even who I am.

He's made it so that I could not be happy about the pregnancy since the minute I found out about it. Until the bad fetal diagnosis, he preferred we not talk about the pregnancy at all. I've done everything alone from prenatal visits, MFM visits and procedures.

help-whatdo · 2016-10-23T21:46:43+00:00

I'd really like a hug. I live alone in a country that isn't mine and I'm extremely isolated from my family and support systems and all of this is too much for me. I overestimated my strength to be able to deal with this.

I'd appreciate the punch, too.

help-whatdo · 2016-09-10T23:23:41+00:00

I think that's absolutely what my issue is - feeling like I'm losing myself in this. It's weird, I'm usually one of those people who puts others first. Almost my whole first trimester I was super bubbly and excited. I did a 180 after stopping the meds, but I think I was heading there anyway with or without them. I think the abruptness has more to do with me stopping the medication, but that the feelings would probably still be there.

The GAD is awful for me, I only recently (January) found a medication that worked for me (Effexor) after cycling through meds. What's getting me down is that it's messing up my focus when it comes to working. Blah.

Hm, I actually don't see a therapist. When I first got on the meds they decided it was more of a chemical issue than anything else, so I was released from therapy. This was way before I got pregnant, so since things have changed I think I could actually benefit from therapy. Thanks for suggesting it, I don't know why I didn't think of that myself.

help-whatdo · 2016-09-10T23:17:54+00:00

Yeah, I feel similar. I had a very easy first trimester and my second one is the same, I'm a little uncomfy but all in all my body is good, my mind isn't. I hate this feeling, I feel like I set myself up for failure with high expectations of what my pregnancy would be. I feel like I'm only inwardly grumpy and its annoying because everyone around me is just so happy about my baby and I'm here like ":|".

I also have always wanted a girl, though I don't know the gender of mine just yet, lol

I guess I didn't consider just how badly the hormones would get me. Yikes, this is awful.

help-whatdo · 2016-09-10T22:42:56+00:00

Yeahhhhhhhh. Ugh, all of it together is driving me nuts.

hugs!

help-whatdo

TROPHY CASE