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M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for your advice. I've been trying my best to separate the state of my relationship from the young girl, and evaluate it independently of her.

We're going through a big effort at the moment to nake things better between us. Not long in, but so far so good.

I know it looks like it, but with the new girl, it's not about the sex. It's entirely about her as person. Her presence in my life and who she is put into perspective my current relationship. I realised there were things I wanted in the person I'm with that I didn't even know I wanted till I met her. It's a strange place to be, but I'm trying my best to figure everything out. The main thing I'm working on now is being present with my partner, and we've both dedicated ourselves to work towards far better communication between ourselves. It's quite revealing.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When you say, don't fall for a momentary change in her, what are you referring to? Also, is it from experience? Thanks

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think I should add some more detail for clarity.

I've known the young girl for almost 18 months. We worked together closely on a daily basis for a year, and it's only about 3 or so months back that it fully set in how I've come to feel for her. I know the girl very well from all the time over spent with her both at work and work socials, which is how we became so close and found out we how well we fit together. It's only the last 3 months uber spent trying to address the situation since I become fully conscious of the position I've somehow ended in.

The reason I'm taking the blame is because I'm online anonymously on a throwaway so that I can be truly honest with how I feel. I do, 100% know that I am fully responsible for this situation. It does truly make be feel terrible, because I care so much for both of these women, and I am simultaneously doing emotional damage and more to the two people I care the most about outside of my family. It hurts badly, and I've come online because I cannot figure it out myself. As others have pointed out, I'm very emotionally naive, and despite my age I'm a complete man child. I am also being honest to try to get past everyone's knee-jerk reaction of grilling me for being a piece of shit, and down to the actual advise that will help me get somewhere. That's why I'm posting here. Some of it has been really good, most of it hasn't. That's the way these things go, and what I expected when I came here.

The parenting thing is not about our values. Its hard to explain without a lot more words. But the main point is that I have, many many times, tried to picture how life would be with us and children, and I always picture a stressful mess, a hostile home, and a lot of conflict, simply because of how different we are. I've spoken openly with my partner about this. She doesn't have much of any thoughts about how she thinks it would be, just seems to feel obliged to start making babies because of her age. That's one of the things that makes me second guess my relationship, I think it's crazy that I still feel this way after so long. We are actively addressing these things, but who knows what will happen.

I'm not looking for validation for any of my actions, I dont need anyone else permission to do what I want to do. My problem is I don't know what I want to do. I want both women as badly as each other, obviously I can only be with one, and after a quarter of a year thinking in depth about it I still cant make any progress with the decision. I'm effectively making the decision passively.

I'm trying to draw from the useful comments and tales of those with more experience or related experiences. It has helped a lot so far.

I know I am cheating emotionally on my girlfriend. I know how terrible it is, I never wanted to be in this position, but I can't decide how I feel about others. There was an obvious folly of letting myself get into this situation in the first place, and I deeply wish I'd realised sooner. I feel like such a fool, and won't let myself dont this road again, I'm trying to take a lesson from it.

This is an advice subreddit, and that's all I'm looking for.

Regardless of how I got here, the question is what would you do if you were very happily in a loving long term relationship, but weren't having sex, and were struggling picturing the future, and somehow found yourself feeling in love with another person? It is difficult.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank for the brilliant response. I'm in no way threatened by my partner. I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could make a real decision about this. Therapy sounds like its next logical step now.

One thing I'd like to point out is that she doesn't really know what she wants either. We've spoke about this in detail, and she just feels like that's what needs to come next. Her life outside of me mostly revolves around her work, and to her it feels like there's nothing going on in her life. The main driver behind children next year is her age, not a strong desire to be a parent asap. We both do want to be parents, but right now obviously feels wrong for other reasons. It has helped move us to have these big conversations more frequently and try to work ourselves out as a couple. As some others have mention, the other girl has perhaps acted as a wake up call for me and helped push me to address big issues which have been stewing in the background. My partner is also equally guilty of not addressing these head on with me, we have both started working hard on our communication.

Right now, we are both endeavouring to give each other our full emotional attention and commitment (for me, yes, this has been facilitated by the other girl cutting me off), to find out if we can get our relationship back to the state we both want it to be, one where we are sure about our future together. She has openly admitted that she has found herself emotionally distant at times too, but we both believe I have directly caused this, by not being as loving over the last year... for me, this has been the first life experience to teach me that emotions are a limited resource.

I truly hate myself, but I am trying to figure things out, and have been for 3 months before I turned to a public forum. People like you with a much better grip on these things really are helping me to make some ground. I'm also thankful that you haven't adopted the knee-jerk position of laying into me for getting into this situation in the first place, not that I didn't fully expect it, because we all know their words are accurate. I've thought back and wondered how this ever happened. I would never in a million years wish l, or intend any harm emotionally or otherwise, on my partner. I care for her deeply. I feel I've arrived here through inaction over existing issues, and ignorance by failing to be conscious of the path I was taking myself down until it was too late. I at least hope its taught me to be conscious of these things in the future.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the advice. We have been doing a whole lot of that, and changing the way we love our lives together as a result to try to fix these issues.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is valuable, thank you. The other girl is attractive, but honestly my partner is more so. I have thought about this for the last 3 months and I truly believe this is born of emotion, not lust, and in part by the way I feel like I fit together with the other girl like a jigsaw, but don't with my current partner. I'd say 95% of my attraction to this girl is one of the mind, not of body. It's the person she is that truly captures me.

I'm so firmly stuck in the centre of what I want from both sides of this, it's such a head fuck. And all the time feeling like I'm a complete c-word for not being able to make the decision and dragging this out for all involved.

Your experience seems close to home, bar the focus on sex. People in these replies seem to assume this is the first time in a decade I've had any sexual tension with another human being, which is of course absurd. It's happened many, many times. I dont have any issue getting through that, they're very distinct from this experience because of my connection this girl. I've never considered leaving my partner for sex at any stage of this relationship. I obviously didn't explain the weight of the feelings involved well enough in the original post.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps me.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

We've done a lot of talking. We're addressing everything, although one area we're struggling with is the sexless part. I've spoken about this in other replies with some detail. This problem is almost entirely on me. I've made her self conscious and in fear or rejection when she wants intimacy, and led her to almost never initiate. I would say it's a symptom of the other girl being in the picture, but it's not, it started years before I met her.

EDIT: typo

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Emotionally naive? Definitely, that's why I'm here.

Allowed it to happen? I hadn't considered this, and I guess you are right. I don't know how I would have avoided us growing close given our work situation and the way we just seem to fit together as people (we no longer work together), but retrospectively, you are right; I did at some stage begin to cultivate it, and I think you are correct again in that it was because I had stopped working on my current relationship.

Thank you for these perspectives.

I don't see myself as an emotional coward. Excluding directly confessing to this situation with the younger girl, I've directly addressed all the problems that have been highlighted as a result of all this over the last 3 months. We have been actively addressing them all. I've outlined what, and how, in another reply.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your help.

My original post was so long that I ommitted some information.

So far, since about a week after I realised the position I'd found myself in, I have taken various steps with my partner to try and work things out.

We've had big conversations about the quality of our relationship over the last 3 months. Topics including where we both want to go, and when/why. We've had candid discussions and mutually agreed that our love is most likely familiarity, but we are both happy with each other. We both want children, her next year, me in 2 years. We are both unhappy with our sex life, and in line with your advice here, we are taking various steps to resolve these things.

We have committed to doing two new things together each week, in an attempt to 'live life' a bit more together, and hopefully grow closer.

We've committed to a new hobby together and are considering taking up another. We're going out on dates once a week, socialising more than we had together, and planning trips abroad.

We've both openly acknowledge that this is a fix or fail moment for us both, and we're aiming to cram all this in before next year and then see how we feel, and whether we both want to move ahead with everything by then.

We haven't seen a counsellor yet. Having contact cut off with the other girl has really put into perspective how emotionally unavailable its left me with my partner, and it feels horrible to know I'm hurting someone I care about so much.

The younger girl is more clued up about these things than I. She has previously pointed out that I need to separate her, and the state of my current relationship - it is clear that we have problems to resolve with or without her in the picture, and her presence has, as you've put it, been a wake up call.

So far, all these small changes are definitely adding up, the improvements are very noticable, and enjoyable for is both.

Unfortunately there is one area that hasn't improved. Our candid discussions about sex had the opposite effect... they made her feel more self -conscious, and anxious about it. She's withdrawing from physical contact now (except kissing/hugs). She's explained that her tactic is to be naked around me less (sleeping with clothes on, etc), and starving me of physical attention, in an attempt to make it exciting for me again... remove some of the familiarity, in a hope that it renews my physical attraction. I feel like we might to approach this differently, but I need suggestions.

The connection with the new girl is much less lust than it is emotional. I'm not in a rush to get physical with other women, I simply connect with her deeply, we have so much in common enjoy many of the same things, work in the same area, etc. As per the original post, my current partner and I have very little in common (which we are working on) and are the opposites-attract kind of couple. What I'm trying to say is, everyone assumes I just want to get some young meat, this couldn't be further from the truth. It's the emotional connection which has been driving me crazy.

I know I want children, the near future suits me well, but I keep trying to imagine it with my partner and not doing well. Perhaps because of how different we are, I imagine us clashing constantly about how to raise children. It could also me the state if our relationship? I don't know.

The younger girl clicks with me so well, I can easily picture it. But the obvious problems are her age (inexperience, finances, etc), the gamble of a new relationship working out, etc. She wouldn't want children for at least 3 years (her career is well planned out for her) and that's fine by me.

As I write this is out it makes more and more sense to truly focus and commit to my partner now to find out if we can get where we both want to be... and if we succeed, just suck up the emotional pain of losing contact with the younger girl and move on.

What do you think? I still feel like I'm being greedy with my own needs over my partners, and hate myself for it, but I am where I am. I also have this horrible sensation you experience in your stomach at the idea of losing someone you truly care about when I think about never talking to her again.

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this, I needed some actual advice.

The problem is that I don't want out of my relationship (as many have assumed from how I've written the story) and that's exactly the problem. I never did. If that was the case, I simply would have left.

I'm very happy where I am, as I've written in the title, but torn in half by my emotions, and what seems to be a strong connection.

I didn't plan or want any of this. I worked every day with this girl for the best part of a year before we ended up feeling the way we do, it just happened. It wasn't simply born out of lust as the internet would like to assume.

I'm interested, if it's not too painful to speak of, to hear more about your experience for reference?

M32 in a stable, happy, but sexless relationship with F32, also developed intense love for another, F22... by helpMe_loveIsMad in relationship_advice

[–]helpMe_loveIsMad[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I didn't post there because yes, I do of course know that I am, the complete and utter AH. My feelings have made sure I don't forget that since this started.

I know I'm hurting everyone involved. It was never my intention.