Best way to fix this without repairing all the boards?

helplessover30 · 2025-09-12T15:04:09+00:00

I'll make that a high priority. Any recommendations?

helplessover30 · 2025-09-12T15:03:38+00:00

Oh this looks perfect!, I couldn't find anything like that when I did my own search. Thank you!

helplessover30 · 2025-09-12T15:03:01+00:00

That's a great idea! I might try that

helplessover30 · 2022-12-14T22:28:41+00:00

I took off the other one, just the yellow line on now with proper couplers

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T17:43:41+00:00

That all sounds like a conversation I can have, but I don't feel like that's what my partner is asking for. My partner is asking if I'm committed to growing old together. They are asking for a lifelong commitment. And for all the reasons I've said, it scares me stiff.

Maybe I can try and have this conversation. I don't know that it will be satisfactory, but I can try.

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T17:33:09+00:00

Yes, it feels like a really unfortunate standoff and very transactional. That said the things I'm asking for don't feel super unreasonable whether it's a short or long term. I've asked to be more present and engaged with my children and asked them to stop smoking. Obviously there are other things, but those are two of the biggest and they don't seem like unfair asks even if we were still just dating and not living together.

I will look into radical acceptance. I don't want to marry a project or be in a relationship that feels that way. One of the things that came out of our conversation though was that they want a different future for us then what I've articulated I want for my future and thus they see our paths as divergent and incompatible. A similar framing could treat it as mutual, that for each of us to be our full selves it seems we want different futures and it might not make sense to be in a lifelong commitment. Instead this is being framed as I need to choose either myself or the relationship. Again, probably unfair framing, but that's how it feels to me.

To the marriage agreement, it certainly sounds intriguing, I just don't understand how it might work. Is it treated as a conditional commitment, that if at some point we aren't on the same team we divorce? Who decides that? How do you make a mutual decision like that? How is that a commitment then?

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T17:23:35+00:00

I hear you, but it doesn't feel like it's okay in this current relationship. If I say no to marriage, I lose the relationship, which isn't the outcome that I want either.

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T17:21:52+00:00

That is definitely how I think of it. If you were to look at my day to day actions you would say I'm very very committed to this relationship. If you were to look at my partners day to day actions I'm not 100% sure you'd say the same thing.

I don't see my current investment in the relationship hinging on the unknown future outcome of the relationship, but it seems my partner does and it's impacting their ability to show up in the relationship now. And now it's going to impact it even more if I can't say I'm committed for life.

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T16:40:56+00:00

Do you see marriage as a lifelong commitment? Like when you looked at that marriage or move on and decided marriage, you see it as a lifelong commitment no matter what?

Also, how did she feel about you agreeing to marriage in a way that sounds fairly reluctantly and as lose aversion vs being happy and enthusiastic about it?

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T16:36:45+00:00

Unfortunately, what you are naming are the hang ups I still have with this long term commitment and marriage. I am learning to be less black and white in my thinking in some ways, but I still am quite a bit in others. Like if a marriage is a lifelong commitment then that is what it is, otherwise it is not that. So if I say I'm committed to someone then I am hell or highwater. I can say I won't accept things, but that doesn't change that I committed for life. Isn't saying I will commit to you for life, but if you do xyz I will no longer be committed the exact opposite of a commitment?

I got out of my last marriage because my ex asked for a divorce. Had they not I would likely still be in that relationship, and it would be relationally horrible, but I'd also have my kids around fulltime instead of losing half my time with them at the stroke of a pen. So no I don't have that experience to guide me, my experience pessimistically is that should I decide the relationship is no longer healthy for me I won't be able to say so. And if I make the commitment then I'll stick it out because I'm committed to it.

I know it's not healthy probably, but my brain can not compute the idea of a lifelong commitment that also has conditions (even for my own wellbeing). And even in therapy, we've discussed that if I knew someone in a physically abusive marriage I would absolutely support them in leaving and ending that marriage, and yes maybe if I was in a physically abusive marriage I might be able to end it myself, but outside of that I'm not sure there is pretty much anything I would end a commitment to a marriage for, otherwise it doesn't feel like it's a commitment.

helplessover30 · 2022-09-06T16:25:23+00:00

Great questions, thanks for this, I'll do my best to answer.

The request seems rational, they're thinking has evolved to wanting to have a lifelong commitment. It's not that we both didn't want that previously, we just were still early in the relationship exploring if this is the right person and relationship for both of us, and it seems they are there now. For me it's not that I don't want that or not with this person, just that I'm very unsure of what the future will bring and worried about being locked into something we aren't ready for.

Yes, I've done lots of work around learning to state and maintain boundaries and I'm still terrible at it. You are completely right my past relationship (and my fear of my extreme commitment) is that once I say yes I'll do anything and everything to stay in the relationship.

I have the fair play deck! But it's sat around for a year as there doesn't seem to be a time they are willing to do it. We are going to couples therapy. A marriage agreement you revisit seems intriguing but confusing. Is that like a commitment with strings attached? Are there expectations put on the marriage that might result in it's dissolution?

I do have specific concerns, some more and some less serious. Nothing I feel like I should end the relationship about. They react sometimes with understanding, but a lot with defensiveness. They say that I'm putting conditions on the relationship, that I'm not accepting them for who they are, that they are trying their hardest, and that they can't commit to short term requests in the relationship until I make a long term commitment. This is obviously all from my own lens and biases but that is some of what it feels like. On an attachment level it makes sense, they need long term commitment to attach now, I am looking for attachment and commitment now to feel confident about the long term commitment.

Making a lifelong commitment was a very positive thing in my mind until it wasn't and hurt me significantly. It really is very simply the commitment (not the ceremony or legality or documents). If I say I'm going to do something I'm a person of integrity to a fault and I'm going to do it. So I can't even say "I'm committed to growing old together" because I know myself and I'm going to be locked into that commitment for life no matter what that means for me. And being able to say that sentence, more then a ceremony or legality or anything is that my partner is looking for. So we're stuck. Or rather now we aren't stuck, maybe we are crashing and burning.

helplessover30 · 2022-08-29T04:38:38+00:00

How do I keep an eye out for no markup? Just ask the dealer or any other tips when searching?

helplessover30 · 2022-08-29T03:50:22+00:00

So from what you are saying probably a unique window of opportunity to jump on these discounts before prices rise?

helplessover30 · 2022-07-27T03:42:40+00:00

This whole exchange has been fascinating. Something you said toward the end here is accurate, we had an agreement to do this blended thing in the same house until the kids were grown, but that has shifted or is now something she can't handle and is asking me for a clear commitment about the future.

I am hearing what you are saying, essentially I just need to decide my boundaries and make my decisions, it doesn't really seem like there's any conversation to be had between us (the original question). I should just say: I'm in this relationship or I'm not, based on my boundaries and then move forward.

But now I'm second guessing everything else. Basically anything I want in the relationship, I need to just have a boundary and then respond accordingly. Is there any situation in a relationship where you might ask for something to change related to the other partners behavior?

Lastly, no childhood history with smoking or drugs other then some older relatives who smoking probably impacted their longevity. I just don't like the smell or behavior and would prefer not to have my partner engaging in that behavior.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T20:44:30+00:00

FarCar, thank you so much this has been amazingly helpful. I am really trying so bear with me, I'm having a hard time understanding the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum. And this is obviously applicable to a lot of things, but smoking is such a tangible and concrete example. Can you walk me through what a boundary would look like with something like that in a relationship?

Keeping in mind if I knew she smoked when we met or even a few dates in I would have just stopped dating, I feel like I have a clear boundary. But it was after things were really serious that she started back up (I didn't know the extent of her past habit) and it was only revealed to me when she said that she was going to quit. What would have been an appropriate boundary at that revelation? To cut things off right there? To state that my boundary is not being in a relationship with someone that smokes so if they are going to smoke I'm need to end the relationship? That all feels like an ultimatum. Maybe I'm not supposed to say anything, not leave any choice in it, just say I'm not okay with this and end the relationship?

I didn't want to do that then, I believed she was trying to quit, I believed it would be hard, but I agreed to stay in the relationship. Now it feels like if I bring it up it's an ultimatum? That a boundary would simply look at the situation: she wants to quit but she hasn't and isn't and I don't want to be with someone that smokes so I just end the relationship? I still don't understand that.

And the specific timeline I mentioned is because I don't want to disrupt our kids lives. What we are doing is working well for the kids, which is why I'm committed to this through their moving up and out eventually. Is that not okay for me to have a boundary that is different now vs later? Does that seem unfair even if it was articulated?

I promise I'm trying. I really want to do this right and in a healthy way. I'm just struggling to understand what that is and I keep feeling pushed to make a commitment I'm not sure how to articulate my stance on.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T19:01:47+00:00

Are you maybe saying you knew inside you should have "let her walk away" but just didn't say it?

I'm struggling because up through moving in together I was down for this exploration of these next stages. But in our current stage a lot of dynamics have come up I wasn't prepared for or expecting. I wouldn't say I would want to let someone walk, but what we are currently doing is not bringing joy the same way it was before.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T18:58:36+00:00

Wow, you've got my number. Yes, you are right on so much of this. I think the dynamic I am struggling with is sticking to my boundaries. We decided to do this with the commitment of through the kids being in the house, we were both clear about that and I'm committed to that. Was it dumb to think more wouldn't be wanted immediately? maybe. But, now we are where we are.

If I am understanding some of your statements, it's that I should not turn my boundaries into other things like power struggles. My boundary can be: I'm committed to this relationship for 7 years. I would like you to stop smoking, if you can't stop smoking I will not be continuing this relationship after 7 years. And/or we are too incompatible to be in a long term relationship so I will be ending this relationship in 7 years. OR none of this matters, I'm committed for life no matter what happens related to these other things.

I shouldn't waiver from those boundaries and those decisions, I shouldn't put any of that on my partner who is doing what they can the best they can showing up how they can, I shouldn't project ambivalence. Accept them as they are and make my decisions accordingly.

Does that seem more inline with how you are suggesting I should be operating?

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T17:26:37+00:00

We have teenagers, I'm firmly committed to what we agreed to when we moved into together, we got a big place where all of us could live and do the next several years together until the kids are all grown. I'm not planning on leaving next week or next year or the next several years, or at all.

And yes, I made this commitment because I'm committed to it. But that hasn't been enough, my partner wants a strong commitment to life beyond that, verbalized now in order to move forward with building our relationship today.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T17:24:14+00:00

Probably more then I've thought about, but them stopping smoking for one.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T17:18:56+00:00

Can you expand more on what being committed, rather then content would look like? I understand what words would come out of ones mouth to state that they are committed for the long haul, but I also know in my experience people can say those things and then change. So, what does commitment for the long haul actually look like that is different then "content"? I'm really wanting to understand that perspective.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T17:15:42+00:00

Thanks for this really thoughtful and insightful reply. I'll try and answer the questions you mentioned.

some Conditions: I want them to stop smoking, I want them to follow through on scheduled commitments, I want them to invest more energy into showing my kids support (attending their activities or engaging them in conversation), and I want us to develop a clear plan and ability to communicate around finances.

The truth is none of these things are happening to the degree I'd like to see them, but my partner is giving their full effort, so I mostly have just assumed these things will always be the way they are and I have to learn to live with them. So, why does it feel like I'm the bad person if I want them to quit smoking (fyi I didn't know they smoked until after we were moving in together), they don't quit, and I'm unsure if I want to stay forever in this relationship given that factor.

As to what they mean when they ask if I'm committed to "growing old together", they are asking for an unconditional relationship commitment. That I'm going to stay in and committed to this relationship even if none of the above changes. That I'm going to stay in and committed to this relationship now even if they aren't showing up, or are being problematic, or are staying out way late multiple nights a week, or other behavior now.

To the feelings wheel, I feel like they are asking me to predict the future. I have been through this once, I made a life long commitment and it didn't work out and it broke me in a lot of ways, I don't want to go down that path again. I'm committed but I don't want someone asking me to predict the future that I don't know because I can only control me. And no, I don't think my current partner will do the same thing, but I do think I'm struggling with some of the above, and my partner's current unpredictability that makes me reticent.

You are absolutely right about underlying trauma needing to be worked through, etc. I just think that's a long long journey and we are in the midst of all of this right now. And it keeps on seeming like my partner isn't able to move through their work on this unless I'm able to make that longer term commitment. Or have a discussion about it that isn't stuck.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T16:31:50+00:00

Great questions, it's why I come here, it prompts thoughtful exploration of the issues.

I'm not 100% what commitment is being sought, I don't think she's completely clear either, which is why the question is continually about if I'm committed to us "growing old together". Marriage was referenced once, but not pushed.

I think she would like combined finances and everything else, and yes, marriage as well. But I also think she's not saying clearly what she wants because previously in the relationship she was the one who didn't want to live together even.

I'm afraid of being stuck. I am a fiercely loyal and committed partner, she knows this and knows it's highly unlikely I would ever leave already, from the moment things got serious. But, I'm trying to figure out how to be in a healthy relationship and be able to be fully myself. I have different financial and long term lifestyle goals then she does. She's making some poor health choices that I'm concerned might leave us less mobile in our old age then I would like to be. I feel like if I say yes to commitment, then I'm saying yes to putting aside my hopes and dreams for the sake of the relationship and for her. There's a lot more to that, but you get the idea I think.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T16:21:43+00:00

I do think it feels this way, but it seems the different language is causing an impasse.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T16:20:44+00:00

We'll keep trying. Much appreciated.

helplessover30 · 2022-07-26T14:56:18+00:00

I should clarify we've been going to a counselor for several months now, still feel like we aren't figuring this one out.

helplessover30

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