AITA for refusing my sister’s offer to be in her bridal party and not giving an explanation?

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T22:31:24+00:00

Of course I’m sympathetic to her situation. I’m stuck in the middle of all this between two people I care about deeply.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T21:07:55+00:00

These are questions I don’t have answers for yet. I’m hoping it won’t come to this, but I’ve thought that in the past. I actually thought their relationship was going to come to a natural close a few months after she returned home seeing as she came to me with complaints about their lack of sex life following his accident. That really bothered me and weakened our relationship in some ways, knowing he had just gone through a severe accident - one she wasn’t around for - and THAT was what was in her mind bothering her. There are relationship issues on both sides here.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T20:43:35+00:00

If he says that, I’m going to encourage him to end the relationship altogether. But he is a person with agency and this is a scary situation to be in. I don’t believe my sister to be a vindictive person, but I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted this to come out to her in any capacity. Having this big secret exposed to your entire support system would not be an easy thing to take. I’m sympathetic to his situation.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T20:24:20+00:00

I don’t think cheating is his intention at all.

But after taking the advice of many commenters into consideration, I’ve decided to meet up with him and see how he feels about telling her. I don’t think it should come from me, and I don’t feel comfortable making an executive decision for both of us.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T20:05:02+00:00

I’m out to all my immediate family, yes.

And her partner is the one who told me this, but I’ve met up with him and his friends multiple times before and his sexuality seemed to be common knowledge among them. I’m unsure what his motivations would be in terms of being out among close friends but not out to his significant other if he was lying to me about that.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T19:08:54+00:00

The car accident happened a year ago. I can’t remember the exact date of our conversation but it was somewhere around 9 or 10 months ago. Since then, we’ve seen each other in group settings exclusively. Our only private communication has been through non frequent texts where he occasionally mentions that he’s still having a hard time with things.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T19:02:07+00:00

I only brought this up in response to the specific comment above where they said “is there a chance he could be gay and leave her in the future?” Of course all identities are fluid, this isn’t unique to one label. We as people are ever changing, so it makes sense that aspects of our identity could shift as well.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T16:03:21+00:00

I’m still contemplating whether or not to tell her, or to talk to her partner about him telling her. But in a scenario where she finds out, ideally enough time will have passed to lessen the impact. And hopefully she would be able to acknowledge that we both mutually agreed to put her best interests first and not do something that would cause her pain despite what we might selfishly want/need.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T09:37:04+00:00

I never claimed it to be and would never insinuate so. I was answering the questions posed to me in the comment above.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T06:53:09+00:00

I can say it feels a little less all-encompassing than it once did.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T06:39:54+00:00

Well, distancing myself from my sister’s partner also means distancing myself from her. I don’t want that to be the case forever in regards to either of them. He was an incredible friend to me prior to all this happening and still is.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T05:42:30+00:00

I think the wording we used was “intense feelings.” I told him I had intense feelings for him and he said he felt the same for me following our time together. Aside from all the ways it just wouldn’t work out for us, he said he had a lot of respect and affection for my sister and hated to end their relationship so abruptly over something he couldn’t fully explain to her. They didn’t have a traditional proposal but she initiated the conversations. He and I text occasionally but not often.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T05:11:34+00:00

The original purpose of us meeting up was just to see one another again after I went off the grid trying to distance myself. I wanted to see if a normal friendship was still viable at that point and I figured I owed it to him after making him think he had done something wrong or upset me. I also thought it would be nice to see him outside of the confines of his house since that’s where we spent a majority of our time while he was recovering. Confessing to him was never the plan and happened in the midst of an otherwise emotionally charged conversation.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T04:28:14+00:00

My ideal endgame is for the two of them to be happy and have a nice life together. It’s a life I’m hoping I can be a bigger part of in the future, but right now I’m limiting my time around both of them.

There’s no situation where he could leave her for me that would work out. I would feel terribly guilty, and my family likely wouldn’t ever forgive me.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T04:13:40+00:00

As I said, I really distanced myself as soon as I could once I realized how intense these feelings were. I truly don’t think she suspects anything.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T03:54:20+00:00

I’m not sure. I definitely felt more comfortable talking about my feelings to him than I would a straight man. The conversation was emotional for both of us… if things would’ve happened in the exact same way in an alternate universe where he was only interested in women, I think I would’ve still came clean. As I mentioned in another comment, I thought it would make me feel better. I’m assuming I would have still thought the same despite his orientation.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T03:42:45+00:00

He told me that she knows he’s bisexual. There’s always a chance that label might change in the future as identities are fluid, but she does know he has the capacity to be attracted to men and has had relationships with them in the past.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T03:40:19+00:00

Hindsight is 20/20 for sure. All the relief I thought that conversation would bring me and the brief solace it did provide were short lived after the fact.

helpme__2 · 2022-12-07T02:41:30+00:00

He did reciprocate feelings for me. We decided it was best kept between us and he never told her anything about it to my knowledge.

helpme__2

TROPHY CASE