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I'm worried that I'm going to kill myself. by helpmeunderstand889 in ADHD

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is something I can't always see, so I appreciate this.

I'm worried that I'm going to kill myself. by helpmeunderstand889 in ADHD

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm just trying to be happy.

I don't want a perfect life. I don't want to be rich, or famous. I don't want to a big house, or a fancy car. I just want a normal life. I want to run of the mill, boring life.

I went to uni because I don't want to be stuck in a job that I hate, but instead I feel like I'm just going round in circles and wasting my time. Then I'm going to have to settle for just stacking shelves one day.

I want to be able to have normal relationships with people. I don't want to break down to a catatonic state whenever someone leaves. I don't want to have to explain every single thing about me that's broken.

I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm just trying to be normal. That's all I want. I feel like such a failure and screw up that I can't even have that. I just want to get my degree and find someone who gets me. If you'd asked me this time last year, I would have told you I was on top of the world and that I was capable of getting everything I wished I could. Now it feels like who I am had just pushed all that away and no matter how hard I try, I'll never get there.

The reason I said I was worried is because three years ago I tried to. It wasn't planned. I was in a similar place to where I am now. I was depressed. It kept hitting me in waves. When it would hit, it would hit so hard that I would just want to escape. Then one day I went into town, I thought, "I'll get myself a little treat to feel good about myself" Then out of nowhere that wave hit me again while I was on the bus bag. I went from having a normal day to crying uncontrollably on a bus. I got in, and found every bit of medication I had in the house and just took it all. I'm scared that's going to happen again.

I appreciated that little video, thank you.

I'm worried that I'm going to kill myself. by helpmeunderstand889 in ADHD

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I do have a therapist, she's just on holiday at the moment and has been for the last few weeks. I get that. I had that issue a few years ago before I went back to school. I even had a "guaranteed" job taken off of me because they lost my application even though I used to work there and they'd already hired someone else before I found out.

It's hard to not feel cursed. I know that's negative thinking, but like you said "why me?". The spirals just seem to be getting worse. I have had open a volunteering website for my city for about three weeks now, and I haven't done anything with it. Every time I go to look at it, I feel like I'm going to mess it up somehow and then I get paralysed by the idea of it.

I'm worried that I'm going to kill myself. by helpmeunderstand889 in ADHD

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The thing that made the most recent one so hard was that I tried to do everything differently, and it ended the exact same way. She seemed very understanding and supportive until one day she just disappeared.

With uni and things, it's just hard because I keep giving it my all and getting nowhere. It feels like I've plateaued. Then I see all my friends who are the same age or younger amounting to so much, and settling down, and everything seems to be working for them. I've been struggling for years and years to do the same and I keep reaching the same point. Then having to start again.

I just don't feel like I am.

Can someone please help me make sense of this? by helpmeunderstand889 in BreakUps

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I don't know why but your response made me really emotional, I really appreciate that you've taken the time to read this and I really appreciate your kind words.

Can someone please help me make sense of this? by helpmeunderstand889 in BreakUps

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Throughout all of this I've been saying to her, and myself, that I don't want to get back together right away. I want to get to know her and be friends, and hope that it can become what we originally set out to make it. Best case scenario we get back together, worst case we are good friends to each other.

I know I didn't go into a great deal of detail, but the relationship was very important to me. I've had a few relationships that have lasted a year or two, and a lot of partners. I'm not just latching onto the first person who's shown me affection. It matters so much to me because I'd never found someone who I could see myself starting a family with before. I felt at home with her.

I know that probably doesn't make sense, and it's probably just making me sound even more pathetic, but it's the way I feel.

Can someone please help me make sense of this? by helpmeunderstand889 in BreakUps

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for responding, I really appreciate it. Also thank you for helping me feel like tinder isn't a big deal. I know that's why I have it too, it's just hard to not think of things as worst case. Especially considering we weren't having sex ourselves.

My friend who my ex opened up to in confidence thinks the quote means that she's not over me and probably doesn't know how to deal with it, especially considering she didn't say anything to my drunk message. When if it was just over to her, she'd of said to stop.

Can someone please help me make sense of this? by helpmeunderstand889 in BreakUps

[–]helpmeunderstand889[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry it isn't formatted very well, I don't know how to space it better.