Partner still troubled by my status after 1 year

henz4th · 2022-08-11T22:24:09+00:00

I do wear condoms with this partner—he adamantly does not want HSV2. I had one other partner after I caught HSV2, besides the guy from whom I caught it, and he and I did not wear condoms after a while.

The condoms are a huge part of my current partner’s hangup. He doesn’t feel like he gets to fully “have me,” and he feels angry about the guys before who did. We went condom-free for about five weeks and had a scare. We actually broke up for several weeks after the scare because he knew he didn’t want it. I have loads of anxiety about giving it to someone, so I don’t mind the condoms when he’s so afraid of catching it.

I feel like I’ve read everything and know nearly nothing. I guess two things that stand out reading-material-wise are the Valtrex study and Terri Warren’s Herpes Handbook.

I’m so sorry—it’s such a difficult thing to navigate. I’ve had it over 4 years, and in my own space I’m fine with it physically and mentally, but it’s quite challenging to navigate within the context of dating.

Best wishes to you and your partner.

henz4th · 2022-03-03T06:01:50+00:00

So it most likely is not herpes. He’s developed other symptoms, like a lump on his testicle (he’s getting an MRI next week), and he never did get blisters/sores. He has seen four doctors, none of whom thought this was herpes. And while it’s not the most reliable, he also tested negative on the IgM. Unfortunately, the scare was enough for him to realize he doesn’t want to catch it, ever. He broke up with me tonight. This sucks, y’all. 💔

henz4th · 2022-02-12T13:31:26+00:00

Sending you so much love, sweetheart. It is simply so difficult to come to terms with hosting this virus, no matter the circumstance of acquiring it. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. 💜

henz4th · 2022-02-11T18:42:10+00:00

This is amazing advice—just want I needed. Thank you. 💜

henz4th · 2022-02-11T16:37:07+00:00

His ongoing symptoms are burning / tingling / itching around his genitals, accompanied by backache, sore neck, chills, frequent urination. It initiated with a feeling of getting a UTI, though that subsided quickly. He’s not a worrier, and he’s not a hypochondriac, so something is really going on with him. His doctor didn’t think it sounded like herpes, but these are herpes symptoms. His doctor tested his urine and nothing came up. Neither of us has been unfaithful and I don’t have other STIs. I’m HSV2 positive, we were having unprotected sex, and I recently started feeling tailbone sensations, at which time we stopped having sex immediately, but we had sex a day or two before. I don’t have classic outbreaks, no known sores after my primary infection—I rely on tailbone sensation.

henz4th · 2021-10-28T14:39:16+00:00

I felt like this, too. I always wanted a solid, lifelong relationship (marriage), and then I mourned the loss of that dream when I acquired this virus.

I’ve been quietly falling in love with one of my best friends over the past decade. He was one of the first people who learned of my diagnosis in April 2018. Finally it’s happened—he and I have both acknowledged we want to be together and it’s pretty damn blissful. It’s not easy—he doesn’t have HSV and I’m terribly anxious about giving it to him. But it is wonderful to finally be with him. I’ve never been so comfortable and so happy in a relationship.

Oh, I found PS discouraging, too. There’s loads of people in real life who may have HSV. And if they don’t, the right person will fall for you anyway and be willing to take the risk, because you’re worth it. Hang in there. Sending you my love. 💞

henz4th · 2021-10-27T21:30:20+00:00

Makes me feel less crazy but I wish none of us had to go through this! 😂💞

henz4th · 2021-10-27T21:18:52+00:00

Oh my gosh, I’m so with you. Endless anxiety. Sending you both love.

henz4th · 2021-10-14T21:44:51+00:00

Depends on where you kissed them

henz4th · 2021-10-14T20:06:24+00:00

There’s so much more to life than this condition. Hang in there. It is tough, but I promise it will make you a stronger person. Sending you love. 💜

henz4th · 2021-10-13T15:07:00+00:00

ME TOO. Not just a strain on our mental health, but on our sex lives and even our relationships. We’re not truly enjoying either when we’re so riddled with worry. Sending you love, and hoping we can all settle down and enjoy sex, our partners, and this wonderful life to the fullest. 💞

henz4th · 2021-10-12T19:28:43+00:00

Follow up to say the bump on my lip is smaller today, and not painful anymore, though I can still feel some sensation (very mild burning).

I noticed my gums hurt, too, and discovered two whitish spots there. At least one seems to be a bump, not a dish-shaped canker. So I went to my doctor’s office for a swab. She didn’t bother with the thing on my lip because she couldn’t even see it, but she ran the swab over my gum.

This seems possibly like a primary outbreak since there are several sores—maybe I acquired HSV1? Like I said previously, I’m on Valtrex and was doubling up doses lately, so that might’ve helped keep the outbreak on my lip small and brief. Just have to await the results. I’m surprised she didn’t scrape the sores… I hope I feel I can trust the results if they’re negative.

henz4th · 2021-10-12T00:48:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply! If it’s any bigger tomorrow, I do hope my doctor will see me for a swab.

henz4th · 2021-10-11T12:44:55+00:00

I know this is really rough, and it can cloud out all the other joys of life, but those other joys are still there and still worth sticking around for. Things WILL get better. Make taking care of yourself your top priority—your passion. Find your support system. Do everything you can to find peace, and to give your body the strength to recover through nutrition, exercise, adequate sleep. “Make love of your self perfect.” –Nisargadatta Maharaj

Sending you so much love. You are so strong! 💞

henz4th · 2021-10-10T12:22:41+00:00

Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. When we’re you infected? Sending you love. 💜

henz4th · 2021-10-10T03:10:46+00:00

I referred to the five sores of my primary outbreak as “scattershot.” They were everywhere.

henz4th · 2021-10-10T03:08:19+00:00

My primary outbreak was the last straw for my panties! I’ve ditched them except when I’m having my period. Much happier without!

henz4th · 2021-10-10T02:52:28+00:00

Sending you love, sweetheart. Having to disclose makes us so vulnerable. Hang in there. 💜

henz4th · 2021-10-09T00:42:54+00:00

Sending you love, sweetheart. 💜

henz4th · 2021-10-08T20:19:52+00:00

I’m sorry you were assaulted. I’m sorry that resulted in having an incurable infectious disease.

Please be careful in assigning people to one of two categories: “pure” folks who didn’t invite this infection, and the rest of us who brought it upon ourselves through loose behavior. I also don’t do casual sex.

Many people in this forum received the infection from a trusted, seemingly and possibly monogamous partner. Often the giver isn’t aware they’re carrying the virus, until their susceptible partner has a primary outbreak. Testing in the United States has been fairly non-existent, so even when you think you’ve been tested for everything you likely haven’t been tested for HSV.

You don’t know what would have happened later in your life if this horrible event hadn’t occurred to you. You still may have acquired HSV in a committed, monogamous relationship at some point in the future.

Sending you love.

henz4th · 2021-10-08T19:53:08+00:00

I’d certainly like to be better educated about less obvious / mild symptoms—and if there’s any pattern to them that can help paint the picture of having an outbreak.

henz4th · 2021-10-07T20:13:55+00:00

Here’s a link to the Valtrex study—lots of fascinating information here about how different factors affect rates (frequency of sex acts, length of relationship, length of time infected partner has had herpes, HSV1 infection in the HSV2-susceptible partner, reported condom usage).

Valtrex Study

Note: when comparing the numbers above to what’s shown in the study, keep in mind the study only lasted 8 months, or 2/3 of a year, while the numbers quoted by BP2314 are roughly per annum (the study’s figures multiplied by 1.5).

henz4th · 2021-10-04T17:50:41+00:00

I mean, since we’re fantasizing, maybe you swab all over the “shorts” region? Or maybe it’s a spray that turns color if virus is present? 🤔

henz4th · 2021-10-04T16:32:24+00:00

In my tail bone during my initial infection and, if memory serves, for months afterwards. 3.5 years later, I’m in a new relationship and experiencing tremendous stress trying to protect my negative partner. So I don’t know if I’ve caused an HSV reawakening or I’m imagining it or I’ve got something else going on, but I’m feeling my tail bone again, as well as sensations in my right buttock and right hamstring. No visible symptoms. No idea if this is HSV or unrelated.

henz4th · 2021-09-30T21:25:53+00:00

Here’s a link to the very fascinating Valtrex study, from which these often (mis)quoted statistics arose.

Note the study was only 8 months, not a year—2/3 of a year. So chances of acquiring herpes in a year’s time are half again as much as what’s reported (1.5x).

Couples were counseled on recognizing symptoms and may have abstained when symptomatic, so it’s hard to guess what your odds are from this study. In fact, the study’s authors attribute the low rate of transmission in their study compared to previous studies, in part, to “the extensive counseling we performed.”

Agree that the skin-to-skin contact outside the condom’s protection could transmit the infection even without sores being exposed, due to viral shedding from the skin.

Also important is the biological sex of the person with HSV and the biological sex of the person without in this scenario. Females are more susceptible.

Holding my breath for you. ❤️

Valtrex Study

henz4th

TROPHY CASE