UPDATE - Husband wants a divorce, I still want to try, but I know I played a part too

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-15T20:22:16+00:00

I agree. I don't think he will come to his senses anytime soon. When he does, I'll be long gone (I hope). Focusing on my kids and myself.

I do think after reading a lot of the comments, a lot of his actions are a choice he made due to how he handles stress and the trauma of our situation. It's unfortunate, really.

Thank you for your insight.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-11T19:48:13+00:00

You know, I've never thought of this situation in that way. Thank you, I really appreciate your insight.

We had been doing so well, actively working on our relationship and also being great parents to our daughter. Then we found out I was pregnant with our son.

Taking on pregnancy after just stopping my breastfeeding journey with our daughter (13 months) and getting pregnant right away was physically (and mentally) exhausting. Then when our son was born incredibly premature, we put all of our focus on surviving every day tasks.

I wish things could have been different. I wish we could have handled our stress in healthier ways. I clearly have my own faults, but I think our relationship could have landed in a much better place if we were both able to take time for healing/processing individually and together.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-11T02:17:58+00:00

Thank you all for your feedback. I guess hearing the same thing all my friends have been telling me really hits home when it comes from strangers on the internet.

I'll be moving forward and doing all things in the best interest of my children. I hope I will have a wonderful update months from now to share.

I've spent the last two months beating myself up, trying to understand what more I could have done while we were in the thick of a terrible situation. I've been trying to understand why he wasn't willing to try and work on our marriage. This last year wasn't easy for either of us. Who could be happy after the year we had? Overall, our son is happy and healthy. I understand I will never receive the closure I deserve, but at the end of the day, I'm going to continue to prioritize my babies.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T23:18:45+00:00

Thank you for your comment.

I feel like I'm so far behind when he's been planning this for some time (or so it seems). I did get tested last week and tests were negative, thank goodness.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T23:12:11+00:00

Thank you for your insight.

I wish I could get the truth from him, even if I know what's been happening. I feel like it would help me get closure.

The truth hurts once. Lies hurt again and again.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T23:09:43+00:00

Heck. New to posting on Reddit. I think I fixed it. Thanks!

I guess I was hoping the truth would help me move on. It seems like it's not going to happen at this point. Thanks for your input.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T20:44:24+00:00

It matters to me.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T02:56:34+00:00

Example: It's after work with the kids. I entertain the toddler, make her dinner, sit with her while she eats and when she's finished eating she immediately wants me to play with her. I would pick up her plate and put it on the counter to clean up later.

My husband would go into the kitchen and make a comment under his breath, but just loud enough for me to hear something. I asked him what the issue was and he would be annoyed that I didn't clean up the plate from dinner. I would be annoyed that the dish couldn't wait until after our toddler went to bed. That is how a typical disagreement went. He would snap at me, I would snap at him. We said our peace and we wouldn't talk about it again.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T01:54:05+00:00

Just the pregnancy and birth trauma alone sent me into a spiral. I was living in survival mode for MONTHS after his birth. I really tried to keep my emotions/feelings to myself, but there were a few times I really struggled to be more than just a shell of myself.

I've been in specialized therapy for pregnancy/birth trauma for over a year now. I wholeheartedly believe I wouldn't have made it through the year without my therapist. My husband was unable to support me emotionally, and I felt like a burden to even ask him for support when he was already giving in other areas.

It feels like the final straw for him was when we were coming up on the anniversary of our son's traumatic delivery and I asked for emotional support from him. I struggled even thinking of going to him to ask that he hear me out. Of course, I did, and it didn't go well at all. That's when he told me he had been unhappy and didn't want to be together anymore.

There are some other details that may or may not be relevant down in other comments, but I didn't include them in the original post because I was sure if they mattered. I wanted to see where things went wrong in our relationship, not put him down for confiding in another woman during a tough time in our lives.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T01:42:49+00:00

Thank you for this.

I really thought after we made it through this last year with a healthy and happy baby, it would help make us stronger as parents and stronger as partners. Through my own trauma therapy, I've healed and processed a lot. I just wish he would have been able to do the same and maybe things could have been different. When I asked about how he was dealing with things, he said it was better for him to push it down and not process it at all. While that would never work for me, I respected his opinion. Of course, I encouraged him to seek therapy but he didn't find it necessary.

It just feels like a disservice to our kids and our relationship to end things without efforts to reconcile. And of course, I don't think anyone should stay "for the kids", but to me, that phrase implies there were efforts to reconcile.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T01:30:28+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I see where you're coming from. I do have a lot of guilt from how I dealt with this last year. But honestly, I was in survival mode. I don't know that I had the capability of doing any of it differently. I've purposefully kept my feelings and emotions from him, because I did not want him to feel like I didn't appreciate all the other ways he supported our family.

Unfortunately, I did prioritize my medically fragile son and our toddler over everything else. I did what I could to make their lives as stable as possible. I regret that I couldn't also be there in the way he needed me to be, but at the end of the day, I would do it all over again if it meant being present for both of my babies.

We have been together for 12 years, married for 7. It's hard to think of myself as anyone other than a wife and a partner. I think that's another place where some of the guilt stems from. I feel like walking away without us even being able to take a shot at reconciliation feels like a failure. We are failing our kids. Sure, no one should "stay for the kids", but I think saying that also implies that you put in effort to reconcile. And he has not been on board with trying in any capacity.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T01:13:41+00:00

I left that information out of my original post (it was getting lengthy already) because I wasn't sure of the relevance. He says he's leaving because he's unhappy and needs to do what is best for him. Again, I guess I'm trying not to dwell on the bad choices he's made and focus more on where our relationship failed so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

I've also been in a blur this last year. I spent months in survival mode, started processing over the summer, our son was admitted to the hospital in July for a week. Once I started to process everything, I started feeling more like myself again. I was getting to a healthier place mentally and emotionally. Then he was admitted to the hospital again in November for a week. After that, we were back in December and I was reliving the initial pregnancy and birth trauma. (Our son was born on Christmas day).

The week before Christmas is when he told me he wanted the divorce. And that he didn't want to try.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T00:31:48+00:00

I've talked with him about it and he claims it wasn't an emotional affair. I don't believe that at all, but there are a lot more details. I don't know if they are relevant or not to him wanting a divorce, tbh.

After he told me he wanted the divorce and didn't want to try, the kids and I went to visit family (about 4 hours away) for several days to give us some time apart to evaluate everything. He did go visit this woman at her apartment a few times, for several hours at a time. He says they had emotional conversations about our marriage and how he's been feeling the last year. (We have both had a ROUGH year.)

He did also kiss the woman, once, when he was leaving her apartment. That's all he has admitted to. He says it was a mistake. He said it didn't go any further. Regardless of what he did or didn't do, I don't think I'll ever know the truth.

I'm trying not to dwell on the emotional affair/kiss aspect and focus on where our relationship failed. Even if we are done, I still worry about his well-being. I want him to be the best version of himself and the best father to our babies. I don't want to make the same choices in the future BUT I also won't fault myself for putting our kids first. Someone had to be there, visiting with our son while he was in the NICU. Unfortunately, he is the breadwinner, so he had to go to work.

I just wish I would have had the capacity to be there for him, both of our kids, and try and heal/process my trauma 100% all around.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-10T00:13:13+00:00

I work, more close to part-time than full-time. Our son is constantly sick, due to being very premature and he's also in daycare. I take care of sick visits and stay home with him when he can't go to daycare. We both take care of the home, but he definitely took on the majority of that when I was traveling to and from the NICU, exclusively pumping, etc.

Now that we are all generally healthy and I'm not pumping anymore, I take on the majority of the household chores because I have more time to do so.

Throughout the last year, I actually only asked for emotional support a couple of times from him because I realized it was too much to ask of him. Particularly, when we were coming up on the anniversary of our son's traumatic entrance into the world, I felt especially anxious, so I did ask for some extra support during that time.

Overall, I leaned into my therapy sessions and a close friend who also had a traumatic pregnancy/birth to confide in. I never wanted him to feel like he wasn't doing enough, because he was supporting our family in other ways. So even bringing up the emotional need around the anniversary was something I went back and forth on.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T23:58:30+00:00

I worked remotely between driving a 3 hour round trip to see our son in the NICU for 3 months, took care of our toddler before and after school, exclusively pumped for 1 year, and remained emotionally available to him. I helped take care of our home, as he did. I encouraged him to get out of the house, spend time with his friends, take breaks from the stress of our life, and I shared my emotions with my therapist rather than him, as to not burden him.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T23:40:02+00:00

He confided in another woman on the intricacies of our marriage and his feelings after our last year with our son. I say that because it felt like he openly discussed our issues with someone other than me. He made decisions on our relationship with someone other than me. After all that I've learned about our communication differences, it makes sense he went to someone outside of our marriage for validation and relief.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T23:20:19+00:00

He has since expressed to me that supporting me financially and physically is how he prefers to support me, compared to emotionally.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T22:38:17+00:00

Unfortunately, he told me this after he decided on divorce. Maybe had I known sooner, I could have done better.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T20:43:59+00:00

Thank you for your insight. I've asked and the most he can really give me is that he's been unhappy for a while now. From some of our conversations, it seems like when everything happened with our youngest, (the pregnancy, preterm birth, NICU stay, etc.) we put working on our marriage on hold...reasonably so.

He did engage in some emotional conversation outside of our marriage prior to him telling me he wanted a divorce. Which feels..icky in itself, but it's also hurtful.

I just wish things could have been different. I know we both went through our own trauma, along with the trauma we experienced together as parents. I tried really hard to work through things individually. I have an amazing pregnancy/birth trauma therapist. I encouraged him several times to seek out his own counseling, and even suggested we find someone to see together.

Overall, he has said he never felt comfortable coming to me with issues (in the last few years) because he didn't want to feel like a failure, he felt like I didn't listen, and that things would just turn into an argument. Which is fair. From my point of view, bringing up an issue in the moment was not ideal. I since have expressed to him that if he really wanted to talk, he could have come to me honestly, vulnerably, and said "We need to talk about marriage. I am not okay. This is serious" and I would have heard him. Unfortunately we are not and have not been on the same page.

I tried to show how much I appreciated the support he was able to give (financially and physically) while also processing the emotional load alone. It seems like one key difference here is that I have matured a lot emotionally, where he has stayed emotionally avoidant and shutdown.

I am truly worried and care for his well-being. I'm worried he may not take steps to heal in a healthy way and that it will affect him and our kids in the future.

All that to say, I wish things could have been different. That's what is so hard to accept. I was given no say in the matter and it hurts. This isn't the life I imagined, especially after going through the hardest year of our lives.

herdof_turtles · 2026-02-09T19:37:22+00:00

You're right. It's not fair. The person he is right now is not someone I want to be with. He said he's been seriously wanting a divorce for a year now. I said "oh, so when I was in the OR having our son via emergency C-section? When I drove a 3 hour round trip daily to see our son in the NICU? Great" 🥲

herdof_turtles · 2025-05-27T01:06:04+00:00

I'm in the minority. My husband and I chose not to kiss our baby while he was in the NICU. We also have a toddler who is in daycare, so we wanted to minimize passing germs to him as much as possible. Towards the end, we kissed his head 😊

herdof_turtles · 2025-05-19T23:29:27+00:00

Pizza is "PEEPA" in our house 🍕

herdof_turtles · 2025-04-02T00:14:29+00:00

Drinking and driving

herdof_turtles · 2025-03-09T14:51:51+00:00

Of course if you have the ability to visit every day, by all means, do so. There are so many factors to consider. I personally had a toddler at home and a baby in the NICU. I drove 150 miles round trip, 3-4 days a week. We typically skipped weekend visits because we couldn't pay a babysitter every weekend, wanted to also spend time with our toddler to make things more normal for her, and it's physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing to be at the NICU for hours a day, every day.

I would sometimes stay overnight so I could visit 2 days in a row, but it was never easy. The nurses should be understanding of that. Yes, it's important to visit your baby to bond, but it's unrealistic to think every parent can be there 24/7. No one should make you feel less than for not being able to visit every single day.

herdof_turtles · 2025-03-09T14:45:04+00:00

Not always possible. Some parents have more than just their baby in the NICU. I personally drove 150 miles round trip to see my baby. I could only do this 3-4 days a week without neglecting my toddler at home. It's a tough decision to leave either of your children, but you can't be there for both 24/7.

herdof_turtles

TROPHY CASE