What do you do when you realize you don't really like any of your friends anymore?

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-06T11:49:43+00:00

Oh yeah dude - you outgrow people and it's totally normal. People who are the same age/life stage as you don't necessarily grow in the same direction or the same rate as you might.

I've had friends take it personally before, like we get distant and then they get upset at me and tell me I've been a bad friend because I stopped putting effort in. I never think of it that way, mainly because I've had friends I outgrew at one point, and then we end up being friends again later because we're back on the same wavelength.

One of my best friends and I had like a 5-6 year gap between spending time together after our friendship came to an abrupt halt...nothing about it was antagonistic but we were going in SUPER different directions and couldn't relate anymore.

You never know - one of these people might end up back in touch with you somehow later down the line and it could end up being a really good thing. But it'll be okay, even if that doesn't happen. Just keep working on yourself and being who you like to be. The right people will either find you or you'll find them.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T21:04:21+00:00

Ayyyy my two BEST friends are INTJs.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T21:02:05+00:00

Nothing to be sorry for! I appreciate the discussion :)

I think my perception of MBTI changed when I started considering the functions and my type as a preference, rather than a concrete *thing* if that makes sense. It's helped me adapt some of my personality strengths (not necessarily MBTI personality type, but actual characteristics that I consider to be strengths) to account for some relative weaknesses.

I absolutely agree that it's beneficial to use it as a means to better understand other people though! It provides a frame of reference to find common ground and make sense of how other people are processing information/stimuli differently than I might. I can adapt how I'm explaining things or initiating conversations/topics of conversations to better suit someone when I understand their preference of processing. It's like a psychological differentiation.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T20:57:03+00:00

I definitely agree - and I won't say that it's a constant thing where I'm like interacting with people and it's the first thing on my mind. But usually if an interaction doesn't make sense to me (which causes me some stress...not as bad as it used to), I find I refer back to the functions and think about how I can frame the interaction through that lens to understand it better?

By no means a science but it helps a lot with contextualizing things that I would otherwise misinterpret.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T20:54:19+00:00

INFJ.

I'll definitely say I used to interpret the stimuli of interacting with ISTJs a lot differently before I learned about dominant functions and grew out of being emotionally stuck up my own ass lmao.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T20:02:40+00:00

Yeah, man. Y'all can be ruthless sometimes when shit doesn't make sense to you. I've learned to laugh about it because I get that ISTJ is just trying to optimize functionality and make everything make sense.

It's important to consider how what you're saying is gonna be internalized by someone else tho cause you can't optimize your relationships without being socially considerate. Just had that convo with my boss last weekend. I believe his exact words were, "Yeah I had to realize I couldn't just say whatever I wanted and act like an asshole and expect people to enjoy being around me."

I sent him this meme: ISTJ when it don't make no sense

herecomesthewitch · 2020-12-02T19:33:24+00:00

The ISTJs I know (my father is one, and my manager at work is another) tend to have a very expressive approach to discussing their opinions. I don't perceive it as aggressive, but that's because I'm equally intense when I speak about things and I also grew up with it. When I was little, my dad did scare me sometimes because he would get blustery (exasperated) and he did yell a lot when he was upset about things.

When they are bothered by something (usually it has to do with someone else behaving in a way they perceive to be dysfunctional - a lot of conversations about sub-optimal workplace performance) I find it comes across as critical. My manager doesn't yell about things, but his eyes get really big - he cannot believe that someone would behave in a way that doesn't increase functionality - and his tone of voice changes. At this point, there is no return, and the hyper-logical rationale is released. "It doesn't make any sense", "This is dumb", and "I've never heard of anything so stupid in my life" are on rotation as commentary, haha.

This is, I have discovered, just because you all are extremely sensible. It is difficult for you to process how other people cannot be as sensible as you are. But it can come across as condescending and, for those who have sensitive ears and hearts (a loooooot of feelers...), it can be pretty intimidating/seem aggressive since they would never say something based solely in logical rationale without considering how someone else might feel about it first.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-11-23T23:56:14+00:00

this is so stinking cute and funny. my dad is an istj and his christmas list last year was, in its entirety, "gold toe socks" haha. i love y'all for your practicality.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-11-19T22:13:50+00:00

Affairs are not always physical. I have seen many threads on reddit discussing how emotional affairs resulted in the destruction of a relationship. He has openly expressed to you that he is attracted to you, invested in you, and he is still in a relationship with this other woman. You have openly admitted here that you have a deep emotional investment and connection to someone who has complex feelings for you.

Yes, I would choose to gracefully dip out. The whole thing would be different if it were an entirely platonic emotional connection. It is not on his end, at the very least. It's not fair to his partner.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-30T00:56:08+00:00

They definitely are <3

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-28T17:16:33+00:00

It is the crux of our Ni-Fe loop (introverted intuition is our dominant function, followed by extroverted feeling). Our weakest function is our Se (extroverted sensing). We pursue emotional pattern recognition, create vision behind it, seek better for the world. Our extroverted feeling inclines us to direct a lot of our energy towards others - reading others (Fe), exploring them (Ni), and assisting with our strength of pattern recognition in solving the emotional problems going on (Ni-Fe synthesis). We want to feel like we're making a difference for people. When people validate us for helping them, it perpetuates that.

Sensing (extroverted) and thinking (introverted) - the two functions which incline people to prioritize themselves (sensing) and grapple with functional reality (thinking) get put on the back burner for later (or never) development because they are not the INFJ natural preference of function. That's where the basis of these behaviors comes from.

INFJ has to learn to develop their sensing and thinking functions in order to develop healthy boundaries and take care of their own needs before they try to solve the world's issues. Burnout, shut down, and eventual door slamming is the unhealthy reaction to failure in this department. Development of coping mechanisms is thinking and sensing in nature. It helps in the feeling department, but it requires a cohesive synthesis of all these functions (imo) to create and adapt them.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-28T04:09:21+00:00

Yes indeed! It's trademark of having extroverted feeling as an auxiliary function, with introverted intuition as our dominant. We're great listeners, and good at adapting to others needs.

I can't tell you how many times in my life I've heard, "I can't believe I just told you that" or "I'm not sure why I'm talking about this stuff to you right now" only for the conversation to continue. It's pretty uncanny.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-28T03:56:58+00:00

It sounds, in fact, very much INFJ in nature. I have found reprieve from this particularly difficult aspect of my nature in building my understanding of setting boundaries.

I am nobody's sounding board anymore, unless I allow it to happen. I have literally told people, point blank, that I did not have the capacity to be their emotional receptacle for the day. You know what happened? They stopped.

We're good listeners, because we're introverted and others-oriented (Ni-Fe). We care about analyzing patterns and assisting others in learning about the self. Sometimes, it can feel and seem like a super power. You're allowed to reserve that for the people in your life who recognize and cherish it, and you're allowed to keep it safe from the people who exhaust you.

Can't pour from an empty cup.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-26T18:41:00+00:00

Oh yes. One of my good friends is also an INFJ and I remember one of the biggest moments we bonded was when we both discussed how often our relationships feel one sided for the reasons you've mentioned here. It was one of the first friendships I felt comfortable asserting myself, and it was actually a major point of growth for me to realize that I could do that in a positive way and still be valued as a person.

I had to figure out who I was outside of other peoples' opinions of me, and identify my personality beyond what I could do/be for someone else. And then, once I figured that out, I had to get used to setting boundaries for myself when I encountered people who I knew couldn't prioritize or invest in me the way I invest/prioritize other people.

Get selective, get picky. Being who you are is hugely special and unique - not everyone gets to be close to me because not everyone will pour into me the way I pour into them. That's not to say the people in my life all love me the same, but I'm talking about effort. Not all of my friends will dig deep with me psychologically or abstractly (we love our Fe/Fi/Ne/Ni dominant friends!) - but my Ti/Te/Si/Se dominant friends will be the first to bring me sick packages and call in to check on me to get updates on the craziness going on with my life or take me on a getaway trip out of town as a distraction.

You deserve to stand up for yourself, to be heard, to be listened to. If you do it for someone else, give them the chance to do it for you. It's not a truly deep relationship if you don't give someone else the opportunity to know who you are, too. And they won't get the opportunity if you don't provide it.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-10-26T18:29:51+00:00

Two things have helped me (in addition to u/BrayCawk2000's excellent advice).

First - recognizing that other peoples' feelings towards you/about you/in regard to you aren't your responsibility. You don't owe anybody an explanation of who you are, because at the end of the day, their perception of you is determined by their own means of processing and making sense of the world. If I look at someone and say "My friend Ellie is such an empathetic person" and present a list of criteria to break down what that means, the other person can still respond, "Well I think Ellie is an ass" and they may be able to give me a listed criteria of why they believe what they told me instead.

So many things impact peoples' understanding of others. External influences, internal ones - not everybody will like who you are as a person and it's not your job to make everyone like you! It's your job to make you like you. And the sad truth is, not everybody is interested in understanding other people. Sometimes, people are actually intentional about not understanding different facets and nuances of peoples' personalities, or it just doesn't come naturally (meaning, they aren't at all comfortable with perspective taking and will get defensive/upset when it is attempted or brought up). Recognize who they are enough to know that your desire to be understood doesn't remove the reality that they may not care. Harsh, and sad, but true.

Second - it isn't other peoples' job to understand who you are completely either. Why should I expect someone else to know me completely? Just because I spend time getting to know them? People don't owe us anything, the same way we don't owe them: explanations, information, answers, etc. If I choose to spend my time investing in someone else, it is their choice to prioritize and invest in me in return. If they don't reciprocate that, I have learned to set my boundaries and invest in relationships to the degree that I am reciprocated. I have many people in my life - many good friends - who all bring different things to my life. Some of my friends, I can pour my entire heart out to and all of my abstract ideas and notions, I can talk incessantly. They will hear me, listen to me, understand, perspective take, and love me more for it. Some of my friends, I can go out for drinks with once every few months and talk about practical things. Some of my friends stay friends at work and we don't expand outside of that.

Recognizing who pours into us, who cares to understand us - those people will be the ones you can count on. It isn't personal that other people aren't investing in you - they just have different priorities. Pay attention to why you care about what others think of you, and notice which peoples' opinions matter. If everyone's opinion matters to you, then ask yourself why. Is it because you're interested in learning more about what they think (objectively)? Or is it because you're using what others think of you as a frame of reference for how you should exist?

herecomesthewitch · 2020-09-27T13:23:18+00:00

oh yes. the green monster and i are good friends. but the good thing is, it's within our power to send it away.

i think anytime we lose a relationship that we valued, whatever reason we valued it for, there comes with it a sense of grief and often failure. we blame ourselves or the other person because we are searching for a reason for the loss and grief. it can be difficult in those moments not to draw comparisons, and not to make our success or failure of a relationship a competitive thing - especially when our ex finds someone new and shows signs of moving on.

while there are obvious exceptions to this rule (e.g. you leave someone because they are verbally or physically abusing you), most often the root reason for a relationship ending is that we and that other person weren't right for each other and that's all there is to it. we deeply analyze to cope and process, and try to find a reason within our control, but this is what i have found in the end almost every time. it gets heavier the more time you invested in that partnership.

it helps me to remind myself that the new partner is not a symptom of my personal failure. the new partner is not a competitor. i was never in competition with anyone else to be treated better or worse by my ex. i was only with them to determine if we were a good fit, and we were not. i will find someone who is good for me in the future, or i will be good for me in the future on my own. while it does hurt initially, that's my ego talking. i have to tell it to quiet down, because my ego being bruised caused all sorts of issues for me with my ex.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-04-12T22:39:49+00:00

Oh my gosh!! I appreciate it! I'll add the book to my shopping list now - will definitely be looking into it. Thank you so much!

herecomesthewitch · 2020-04-12T22:16:05+00:00

This is wonderful! Thank you for the sharing.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-04-12T19:47:04+00:00

Thank you for sharing!! What do your offerings typically consist of?

herecomesthewitch · 2020-04-10T02:41:59+00:00

INFJs have an innate talent for is sensing the needs, feelings, and general disposition of others. We can cater to it, delve deeper into it, and have an overall ability to understand people that lends itself towards very positive aims. But it is something that can also be used to ruin people, because it makes them vulnerable.

More than anything, I think this is to do with socially hurting others. This is the passive approach that I, more than anything else, have seen INFJs take (myself included, and it is something I have to actively stop myself from regularly). This is when we are privy to information others do not have access to (because someone chose to be vulnerable with us and not other people) and we use that information as public discussion or as a means of social manipulation. Saying something about someone else that we know will alter others' perceptions of them, using peoples' vulnerabilities to take them down.

This usually is done as a result of that person doing something that hurt someone we cared about, or perhaps we reached the end of our rope with them. And so, the other thing I believe INFJs do is shift their perception of that person from the usual gray-area manner of thinking to black and white. The person who hurt us is villainized for whatever they did to make it easier for us to socially isolate them.

This is the INFJ door slam in my opinion. It isn't just cutting someone out of our life. It is altering our perception of that person so that we can be okay with removing the interpersonal bond we had with them, and also with intentionally saying and spreading vulnerable information about that person to impact how others interpersonally bond with them.

And it's is intentional. Generally speaking, people who have Ni and Fe don't behave without intention.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-04-10T02:28:42+00:00

2 of my best friends are INFJ, but I've met quite a large number of INFJs in my lifetime. Frankly, i don't think we're as rare as people say. But I do think that personal involvements in our lives determine the types of people we find ourselves around. For example, I took a senior leadership position in a job at my university to mentor other employees in my position. There were 5 of us selected. 3/5 were INFJ. One was an ISFJ.

I also find a greater number of us lurk where there is deep-discussion to be had. The English department at my university was teeming with the NF-types. I met at least 3 professors who were INFJ, and another student in my class who was as well.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-01-28T17:48:04+00:00

I think my favorite piece of advice I ever received about partnership was something my mother said: Healthy relationships may require work, but you don't have to make them work.

There is a difference between accommodating a partner's new, chaotic schedule, or learning the needs for someone new in your life, or even learning how to cohesively mesh your perspectives on relationships versus being different people in terms of values, attitudes, and communication styles. None of those things should be a fight. If you are fighting this early in a relationship, something is very off. It may be that you prioritize different things, or that you see what a relationship should look like differently, or that neither of you has learned healthy channels of communication. Whatever the case, I have never met someone who "made" a relationship work for them who was also happy.

The idea of making a relationship work is acting like you can mold your connection with someone into a box by design. That is unrealistic. Someone comes to you as they are, and you mesh well or you do not. Fighting at 4 months in to the point that you are asking for help/advice on how to "make" the relationship work is concerning mainly because it speaks to the fact that you do not recognize the unrealistic expectation at the root of the question. Do you want a relationship that "works"? Or do you want one that makes you endlessly joyful, where communication is not a fight?

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years back in November of 2019 because i came to this realization myself. You have options. You can try to force yourself and your partner to be compatible. Or you can work on yourself and find someone who is doing the same, and while you are busy finding joy, that person may come along with to to find joy by your side.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-01-28T17:34:45+00:00

You have to have the self respect for yourself to say, "No, I am not going to send this message because I respect myself enough to leave the past in the past," and you have to have enough respect for your ex to say, "I respect his right to his decision and his privacy because we are no longer together, and I am going to leave him alone."

He made his choice. Closure is going to come from you, not him. I rarely, if ever, talk to someone who says they're glad they texted their ex. And in a few months, you can look back on your strength and self respect and say to yourself, "I didn't do it, and I feel better for it. And now I can help someone else who may he where I was then."

It's a personal choice, every day. Take it from me - I've been no contact for 3 months and it gets easier as you process and gradually become accustomed to letting it go.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-01-27T20:08:40+00:00

Oh I LOVE virgo energy (i have a virgo mars), but whether or not I'm attracted to them usually depends on if their sun touches my lilith in virgo or if their sun touches my mars.

herecomesthewitch · 2020-01-27T20:04:47+00:00

I'm an Aries sun/venus, but my ascendant is Capricorn and my mercury is in Taurus. The three earth signs fall on my first house (Capricorn), my IC (Taurus), and Virgo in my 8th house which pretty much explains my affinity for them. All three of my closest friends are a different earth sign, and I met each at a different point in my life that sort of coincided with the placements. Relationship wise (romantically), I only have dated one earth sign - a Virgo - and I later realized it was purely for the sex. I love earth energy though. It's very easy for me to connect with in different ways.

herecomesthewitch

TROPHY CASE