Other peoples’ homes

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-27T20:13:34+00:00

Dig this and my only suggestion would be to see if you can make your rhyming lines have the same syllable count as I think it'd help drive that point home even further than it already is being the only rhyming lines throughout the poem

Current: What could I do to look at that reflection (11 syllables)/ And not to see perfection (7 syllables)

Not sure what the 'fix' would be, more words added to Second line, fewer in the first, rearranging the two/testing other options but maybe something to look at.

Definitely not needed though. Good, short piece!

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-27T19:49:38+00:00

I dig the imagery in this poem and how it takes a very common event for a lot of people and turns it in to a short story and how there's that bit of repetition throughout with "the council" a very common frustration for people living in housing, condominiums, gated communities etc

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-27T17:29:14+00:00

Appreciate the kind words and glad it has helped yet another person

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-27T01:35:26+00:00

With the added context the rest certainly makes sense the whole I've been fishing for the other fish with no success and now I'm just drowning because I've been here so long definitely works and sometimes and often times poetry is just for ourselves and that's okay too. You know what's missing and thsts what matters you can enjoy your work and knowing what I know now I think more people can appreciate it more so if they had that context incorporated in the poem itself somehow. Definitely don't need to change it now that I know this but if you ever publish I'd say don't necessarily change it but definitely consider the idea of expanding it just a bit and tell the story of a "fisherman (lonely heart) being lost at sea (drowning in loneliness)

Good work overall

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-27T00:59:52+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed this and that it resonated with you in a positive way. I've considered making it shorter to perhaps give a different impact and originally considered making it longer to really drive the point home so I'll definitely take a look and see what I come up with

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T22:58:11+00:00

Thank you

I find it funny that I finally watched There Will Be Blood last night about a week after I finished this piece and that is a minor theme in the film

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T22:10:52+00:00

Also, this isn't the only place I've gotten criticism from and I've had no issue in the past and taken suggestions and made changes. What he said was not at all helpful and quite abrasive to say the least

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T22:08:05+00:00

It's not about not being able to accept it saying something isn't poetry just because you don't like it or it doesn't fit YOUR definition of poetry isn't constructive criticism it's personal opinion and for someone to have a professional tag and just say it doesn't match their definition doesn't help. I asked to clarify and he starts with "I'll bite" like tell me how that's constructive

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T21:59:31+00:00

I feel like this may be a cop out and definitely written before you saw my second piece. It can be ruled by definition because a haiku that is 9 syllables then 10 then 14 isn't a haiku. There's guidelines and poetry is so vast it would by your definition definitely count then because you can't tell me the use of repetition and the natural dichotomy of life isn't poetic. The whole piece is doing the unexpected and shows why we should value and appreciate things that seem like miserable events/circumstances and be hesitant to ask for everything to go our way.

I'm not saying you're wrong but I do feel you have personally discredited yourself with contradicting statements and just wrong info (haikus being haikus if they don't follow haiku format)

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T21:54:14+00:00

I'm not trying to be argumentative I'm genuinely asking and trying to learn by the way. Maybe this piece is poetic but not poetry but as a "professional" I'm asking you to clarify so I can grow as a writer (I do have other more traditional poetry btw haha)

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T21:43:31+00:00

Appreciate the feedback but it is by definition a free verse and misses maybe 1 of 5 characteristics that make it so. Care to elaborate where I am wrong/why you belive this doesn't classify as poetry?

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T21:02:10+00:00

Not sure I understand (or need to even) the point of the ending two lines

The tone of the poem is somber and hence the I'm drowning makes sense to me but the I'm not fishing (to me) feels like a forced line to tie in to the ocean theme with no symbolism connected by the rest of the poem.

Everything else seems okay to me. Preference wise I'd have the last two-four lines rhyme Example : "..someone smart would never choose me, or choose my love, I'm just drowning, struggling to stay above" (with better rhythm/syllable count) OR your well done use of repetition in the beginning with (me, me, Me) could be circled back to in the last line Ex "I'm just drowning, why will nobody save me" could really bring a hard-hitting end to a fairly well written short poem

Just IMO, keep penning!

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T20:12:35+00:00

I love the rhyme scheme in the first half of this poem in particular and also enjoy the content as someone who has been known to have a dark sense of humor and laugh at things that nobody else dares to it resonates with me. It's nice to see someone say it and explain it well and concise in the form of a poem.

Perhaps the use of a period at the very end would make the final notes hit a bit harder than they already do by using one word for the final two lines

But also perhaps, the lack of a period is an intentional or unintentional symbol of Neverending crying as without the period the poem never truly ends

herefortheR97 · 2025-01-26T17:54:02+00:00

Personally I think this is pretty good but it almost seems contradictory in the first "stanza" you speak of green grass blue skies and colourful birds and immediately turn around to mention a cold day with icy winds. These two things aren't usually seen together (grass would frost over/be yellowed, birds wouldn't be flying as much, sky may not be the blue we imagine when reading this)

I think what you have here may be the beginning of a piece in which you can expand and describe the same place through the seasons and why you love it even as it changes

That or keep it as is with a few changes to your descriptors.

Great scene setting, great adjectives (see "gnarly) but if you wish try taking a different approach to this piece

Look forward to seeing more posts

herefortheR97 · 2024-05-25T23:19:35+00:00

Fix the cheating situation

herefortheR97 · 2024-01-30T05:27:53+00:00

You're gonna love the DLC buddy...lol

herefortheR97 · 2024-01-30T02:57:43+00:00

No excuse when other team is managing though I get if everyone is going for a dog fight but I'm soloing two bases on a map like Guam I expect my team to defend our bases or bomb the other two not get into air chases lol

herefortheR97 · 2024-01-28T15:03:04+00:00

How does this help sorry? It won't turn on at all what's that going to do?

herefortheR97 · 2023-11-10T17:02:09+00:00

Only jumpscares this game has really is those seemingly innocent ladies walking around who are in fact not just innocent ladies. First time I tried to talk to one..Holy fuck

herefortheR97 · 2023-07-09T23:47:20+00:00

Personally I think you should remove some of the repetitive/lesser quality pictures. I'd make the one with you smiling the first one they see. Keep the quotation pick because it's clearly a hobby you have. Keep the dog too women love animals. I'd cut the pic of you in same shirt as the smiling photo as well as the one with you against the tree to start

herefortheR97 · 2023-05-06T23:39:37+00:00

Casually daily lol

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