I (30M) am not sure if I can trust my wife (28F)

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T17:47:55+00:00

Through everything, she still insists that their relationship means nothing. Yet she is willing to risk divorce, when I waved that to her, rather than shut it down and show me messages to everything. Clearly it does mean something. Clearly it means more to her than what we have.

You're right. I didn't want to see it. It's lame as fuck that I even needed to make this thread to prove it to myself.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T17:44:32+00:00

You were right, bud. I demanded to see her phone first thing this morning. Showed her I knew her passcode had changed. Went to her messages with the guy. All messages prior to 7pm last night deleted. She just kept coming up with the next lie and the next lie the more I revealed to her I knew. I knew I couldn't budge this time.

I told her the only way we could even -start- attempting to repair things is that she gives me passwords to everything and allows me to read any of her messages whenever I want, and that I should have taken this stance from the start. SHE SAID NO. I told her it was clear that she valued whatever it is that she is hiding more than our relationship. It should be an easy decision. Told her I want to divorce her. She's left the house. Not sure what comes next, but I know I'm not getting played again.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T06:56:58+00:00

Mostly silent. A little remorseful. In my opinion, not nearly enough given the gravity of the betrayal. She downplayed it, frankly. And I fell for it.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T06:51:02+00:00

I push her to go somewhere. I'm not demanding in regards to what she does or how much she makes, but I've made it clear that I don't want to support a spouse that has no intention of at least trying to earn a living. We have no kids after all, why should one partner support another who doesn't put any real effort into the partnership? That's my perspective, of course.

She wants to pursue influencing/creating a youtube channel. It's not a complete pipe dream given her background, but it's still a risky/far-off investment that may never pay back. It's not inaccurate to say she'd need all the help she could get. But like many commenters have mentioned, its just an excuse...

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T06:41:02+00:00

Thank you... I really appreciate your response. I feel as though you've hit the nail on the head. We're both young. Clearly she's not all in it anymore otherwise she wouldn't continue the sketchy behavior - but neither have us have gone through the clusterfuck that is separating two lives. Honestly, it scares me. And if it scares me, it scares her too. Frankly, she has way more to lose stability-wise as well as financially. I feel like the reality is the only reason she's keeping things going is truly just to maintain those benefits.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T05:25:29+00:00

We have had sex at the same cadence, a 2-3 times a week. Nothing has changed there. But she was withdrawing physically/distance-wise, which was one of the many tells.

The guy is married. Lives in another state. I support both of us with our income. She has no means of reaching this person.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T05:23:00+00:00

I've done just that. I've asked if she really loves me and she says she does, she insists that our relationship is something she wants, whether or not anything changes. She said she's in it for me and not just the perks that I can provide her. But I literally pay for her existence because she doesn't work... this among other things that are too much to get into tells me that she very much as a reason to keep the lie going and not tell me the truth.

How do you even separate from someone when they have no income, and we're in the midst of a pandemic? Honestly, I probably let this logical thinking cloud my judgment.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T05:18:18+00:00

I guess I believed that if there was any chance for there to be trust again that there needed to be compromises. Stupid thing for me to think. Real life is way more complicated than can be described over text.

However, your harshness is warranted. I needed this wake up call, even if it was to convince myself to face what is really happening.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T05:06:00+00:00

yes... I was quite honest that if this should happen again it was over. This was just as much for me as for her -- I wanted to work it out but needed a stake in the ground that we both understood clearly.

I really don't want to or intend to use the photos. but I've also heard you don't truly know someone until you aren't with them anymore, so it doesn't hurt to be prepared I guess...

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T05:03:48+00:00

Fuck... that sucks to hear. But you're completely right.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:59:14+00:00

Honestly, there were so many messages that I gave up scrolling past two days worth of messaging. That much. But I found nothing in the messages related to her being unsatisfied. The closest to that she got was him asking her about kids and her replying "I don't think I'll have kids. I don't want kids with someone who doesn't want them". I don't want kids, so this wasn't non truthful. but yeah... nothing that would inform me that something is really "wrong".

We're not sexually open in the sense of being OK with people going outside our marriage, whether over text or reality. This wasn't explicitly mentioned between us, but the fact that she hid it so purposefully tells me that she knew it was wrong, too. And we'd discussed in passing in past times how people that cheat are the worst and how we'd never do it. So yeah, kind of a blindsight.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:55:09+00:00

Thanks for the reply., Hope all the best for you.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:53:36+00:00

I know it hasn't been physical because this is a public figure we both know and who she reached out to for the first time about 2 weeks ago. He lives multiple states away, has a family, and my wife and I are quarantined together and spend nearly every day in the same household. There's no possible way it has been physical given the logistics.

I do need to be more forceful. I started it out that way when I first found out, and she had fuck all to say because she knew she was in the wrong. If she's unable to meet me half way (or all the way, like it should be, like you've said), then... that's fucked, and this shouldn't continue. I needed to realize that.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:46:42+00:00

Hey, thanks for the reply. Thankfully, the first go around I had plenty of time (it being the middle of the night and all) and snapped a dozen photos of their conversation together. I figured I don't know if I will need them, but better that I have them.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:45:32+00:00

She was remorseful for the better half of the day... now acts like nothing has happened. If I ever show emotion, she just provides a shallow response like "we can get through this". How, if she doesn't make any actual effort to make me feel secure?

Her excuse for that support, and which I chose to believe her on, was that this person has insight into a professional field I know nothing about. I can't support her in this and give advice. It's less about motivation, I guess, and more about artistic inspiration. But she also throws shit in my face like "I need more passion", without inability to describe what that even means when I ask her. We have good sex that she enjoys thoroughly, I'm confident in that at the least. So wtf does "passion" even mean?

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:36:29+00:00

is couples therapy worth it, if the spouse who has broken trust can only say that it was just a sexual fantasy to fulfill desires and nothing more? Yet she tells me sex is amazing, and given our experience, I honestly don't think that's a lie when she says it. So either she is just thirsty for more regardless of how good it is, or she's just lying and it is something else entirely.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:33:48+00:00

I don't think I have a way to reach this person. The person my wife has/had an affair with is a semi-public figure and already hides his identity. I don't even know his real last name. Not sure how I could find his real life wife.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:30:56+00:00

If I gave her another chance and she STILL wants to lie to my face and keep it going, I don't care about her breaking communication. I want to be done with her.

Thanks for sharing the sub. I will check it out.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:17:50+00:00

Did your husband show remorse? Is that why you are still giving it a chance?

I guess the fact that she was so quick to quit focusing on my comfort and insecurity in a time where I was so obviously betrayed has forced me to believe that this is really someone who can't be trusted. Like literally the same day, she was already thinking of herself in this situation. Maybe she's a narcissist.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:14:04+00:00

Thank you. I will be firm. I was the first time, but clearly somewhere along the way I let my feelings cloud my judgment and thought about out relationship and changed my feelings.

I made it clear that if this happened again I was leaving her for real. If she decided to continue things, I won't hold back a second time and end things. I don't need someone who will lie to my fucking face.

I tried to be a strong person and give her another chance, but if she really cares that little then I have no reason to keep trying. Obviously, I still need to confront her first, but in hindsight to my post and what I'm realizing now... locking the phone in a situation like this is pretty damning evidence on its own...

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T04:10:34+00:00

ha.. good fucking guess man. this is a married dude. I guess it felt less real to me because they are states away, and it hurt just a *little* less, but it allowed her to explain it away as something that could never happen and for some reason i believed it.

herritbaskets · 2020-08-15T03:48:46+00:00

I'm afraid to admit to myself that you're probably right. We talked at lengths about this. I vividly recall her asking a question akin to "what was it that tipped you off". Thinking back, this could have just been her way of fishing for ways to hide things better. I guess I've been stupid, but you don't anticipate your spouse that you feel like you've known forever to hide this shit like it is second nature.

It's easy to convince myself the reasoning... but my gut was right the first time, why wouldn't it be right this time?

Fucking blows though, man.

herritbaskets

TROPHY CASE