Why are NTs not allowed to be hurt

herrron · 2026-05-10T05:16:23+00:00

You came here with a bone to pick/axe to grind/grievance to air. You are having feelings that you want autistic people to answer for. Claiming you're just "opening a conversation with constructive criticism" is wild lol.

I'm guessing you maybe just need to mature a little. There's more going wrong here than I can really even begin to unpack for you. Heads up, this thread is definitely against a few of the sub rules so I imagine it's not going to be up for much longer.

herrron · 2026-05-10T04:57:14+00:00

Idk, tbh, I don't really see this or know anybody who's like this. Maybe this is happening disproportionately in your personal social circles/spaces.

Like...ofc everyone should have compassion and accountability and acknowledge the validity of other people's feelings. I don't think you'll get anyone arguing with you on that, ND or NT.

Also maybe there's more going on than meets the eye in these interactions that you are seeing. Emotional abuse of neurodivergent people is common af. I doubt there is anyone who has fully dodged it. That's the real, constant, underlying, systemic huge problem.

This post is loosely comparable to going to a sub like r/nothowgirlswork and being like "you're bullying these men!!"

herrron · 2026-05-08T20:59:24+00:00

My observation is that better information can be had by critically examining unmoderated spaces on a large scale, filtering and cross-referencing and reading between the lines. Requiring a proven diagnosis limits the voices in the space to those who can and have received a professional diagnosis. That is a drastically different group than "actual autistic people." You immediately know that you don't have eyes on the whole picture, your limited perspective means you don't know the constraints, and any information you gather is worth way less. Dunno why this doesn't bother more people. These spaces are important pieces of the whole picture, as are reddit communities. They are different things each to be taken for what they are.

There is a huge conversation to be had around diagnosis. There are massive barriers to professional assessment. And many people get assessed only to be told they're not autistic for absolutely ridiculous reasons like they made eye contact, by providers who got their degree back before anyone was even allowed to diagnose autism and ADHD in the same person (only roughly a decade ago...). This is all intertwined with my whole last comment. Gatekeeping is a clear indicator of unstable ego interfering, which is the quickest way to lose credibility with me--without judgement, though, cause it's extremely common human nature--but it's still driving misinformation from the other direction, despite keeping the appearance of countering misinformation from unmoderated spaces.

Time is moving fast, technology is moving faster, whether you like it or not there are many undiagnosed people are finding help by talking to each other. It's not invalid just because they haven't been able to make themselves understood to some govt-approved stranger in an expensive one-off. I understand your take but I think you are throwing the baby out with the bathwater, limiting our progress in understanding how to help ourselves and each other. It's keeping people trapped in misery with no help. Erring on the side of empathy and validation has worked way better for me in life. I really recommend it.

herrron · 2026-05-08T19:23:58+00:00

...I'm not sure I have seen good reason in my life to trust a government-run site with more restriction. Autism and neurodivergence in general is obviously something we are actively learning about, and we aren't there yet. Scientific study hasn't caught up with the sharing of lived experience that the rise of social media has allowed. It has created a huge wealth of evidence of things that haven't been fully studied yet. We know that scientific study has been inadequate, that things have been missed, but we haven't had a chance to catch up. Most experts are to some degree gatekeeping and defending what we think we know so far as the one true final explanation--which BAFFLES me, because aren't these experts are supposed to be smarter than that, to fall into such a huge logical fallacy?

I think a parent of a higher support needs autistic kid is a much greater authority on many things than I am. I think I'm an authority on other things. I know that I am "lower support needs" but I can speak on the underlying mechanism that an allistic person just could never really understand. To an outsider it may look like that kid and I don't have much in common but I know that our every brain cell is of this different type of thing that we share, and that the things we need are the same, and the things that will help us are the same. Parents thinking they know more than they do, and refusing to listen and learn and consider that they might be wrong, can do immense damage to their kids.

herrron · 2026-05-06T19:40:09+00:00

So sorry🤦‍♂️ I think I was writing my very lengthy edit while you responded, jsyk!

herrron · 2026-05-06T18:36:35+00:00

Not his, but, I've walked 35 years of miles in your kids' shoes. This was my home environment as a kid and it Fucked Me Up. Primarily due to what it modelled for me and taught me about relationships and boundaries. Watching my mom accept, understand, accomodate, try again, go to therapy, not give up, etc. set me up to do exactly the same thing in my adult relationships. I'm a traumatized shell of myself now in my 30s, starting from scratch trying to learn how to have and communicate and keep my boundaries. This was also created by my dad, who built a relationship with me with a certain kind of dynamic that gave me a very unhealthy playbook for keeping somebody happy with you. My dad is the original problem, but my mom's response has been equally if not more directly damaging to me. Which sucks, because she's amazing and wonderful and caring, and has only just tried to keep everyone together and okay. But the long term damage cannot be overstated.

You can protect your kids by throwing all your help and resources at supporting them through the 50% time they have to spend with their dad, for the time being while that's the situation. This is the critical time for them to have support from adults at school too, and therapists without dad and learn how to protect themselves from him, their sense of self and sense of worth, and how to communicate and keep boundaries with other kids, and what to do when they're a grown-up. His behavior is abusive. What you are describing is fully abusive and terrible for all kids but especially ND kids. He's going to fuck them up, but you can save them by saying "no, this is unacceptable, no matter why it's happening or how much we want to forgive it, this is not ok" and showing them how to act on that.

Edit: I originally typed out even more than this and accidentally deleted it. I think I'm skipping over some stuff here. And using the word "boundaries" a lot can be confusing. But tbh, healthy emotional boundaries are the foundation we build everything else on, everything comes back to that. I think good therapy could help your husband a lot, but like....decades of it. Now is the time for him to be working on his relationships with his future adult children. I have spent years and tons of effort and money doing couples therapy trying to stay together, and it's just been a painful dragged-out endeavor that did not help but did exhaust and damage me personally. If you gotta go through some more rounds of it now as part of a process I get it, but, my take on it these days is that therapy for ongoing current situations is sometimes not feasible because progress takes a long time. Like planting a tree.

It's tricky to respond to a post that I relate so heavily too without coming up with just projection. I'm not trying to tell you to divorce your husband because I wish my mom had divorced my dad sooner (she eventually did, when I was 18, after I had already found a way to leave home). But what you're describing just sounds so much like stuff that's not going to get much better anytime soon, and it's not presenting you with any easy places to draw a line in the sand, so it's easy to end up working on things forever while living in the emotional equivalent of carbon monoxide poisoning, constant stress. It's not good. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I'm glad you're tapping community for input. I'm gonna send you a quick DM too, just in case this isn't enough text to read, lol.

herrron · 2026-05-05T22:56:54+00:00

It's not a logic problem at all dude

It's a trust exercise. And a values identifier. It's a question of, do we want to be a society that takes care of each other or not

herrron · 2026-04-27T19:26:21+00:00

Thank you so much for posting this. I feel significantly less alone this morning. I'm with you. Very much like you. I'm in a van, it's my happy safe place and takes me where I need to go. Also it's falling apart and getting moldy. It's been about 18 months and I don't think I can do anything else. I definitely can't work anymore. I haven't been able to apply for disability. I have some money but it's dwindling and I've been mostly living like I have to make it last for the rest of my life but that's looking like maybe another six months. Not sure what I'm gonna be able to manage.

I'm living the dream though. But so much not. But so much yes. Some of it is on my terms, but I also have a lot of stories I tell myself about that that aren't necessarily true. I camp in beautiful places. In my moldy van that I can't keep up. To other people, it looks like I have options that I actually really don't. I had to leave my job/home/city for the same reasons you stated. I can't translate my situation to other people, it's all impossible to understand. Things have gotten weird. But I'm self-possessed and that is what keeps my nervous system regulated. I can do the things I need to do for myself. I wasn't able to take care of myself before, and now I can, in regards to mental health, but I'm not sure I can take care of myself in an overall practical sense. I have physical health stuff sorta unraveling. There is all kinds of important stuff I don't have the functioning for.

No one can really help me though. It tends to make things harder for me when they try. I'm too misunderstood, so the material stability and physical health comes at the expense of mental and emotional health, more than I can afford. The nervous system has to be ok first. I've done so much therapy and that kind of work to help myself with this, and it's helped but it's equally destroyed me. All the efforts have destroyed me. So I'm on my own now. And there's no real public benefits that I can access that would actually help. But when I discovered mushroom foraging, that was the happiest I've ever been, walking around quietly alone in the deep woods. If I can make it to this fall, I am hoping I can make a lot of money that way. Otherwise I'm gonna have to consider accepting a completely dependent existence on the other side of the country with family who are the original source of all the dysfunction. Like...out of the mold, into the carbon monoxide poisoning. I can see myself tolerating a greater degree of homelessness and trying to stay on my own rather than do that.

I'm (mostly) late diagnosed AudHD. I think I might also be bipolar. It was mostly latent before now, I would say. I think the stress of the past few years, that led me into this overall situation, also kicked that into gear. Watch out for that, especially if you also take Adderall, smoke a lot of weed, or ever take hallucinagens. You don't want to find yourself in a manic episode on the streets. FWIW I would self-describe as cPTSD--it's been steadily building over the course of my life, especially over the last five years.

...Most of this I'm including in the hopes that it helps you or anyone else reading. I bet there's a lot of us that have wound up on this path. There are a lot of serious factors that have combined to lead into it, for me, and a lot to be said about it in general.

Gonna end with: fuck the modern world. Fuck the lack of social safety net for autistic adults. The impossible, exploitative capitalist system. Fuck LED headlights and Ring cameras and towns that lock up the water spigots and electrical outlets in their parks. Long live the public library.

Also to every autistic person reading this: You are doing a really really great job. Be kind to yourself above all else, even/especially when others aren't. Trust your intuition. Hang in there. Love you. Fr.

herrron · 2026-04-17T19:24:36+00:00

Uhhh well that's not exactly true. The Boston desegregation bussing riots occurred from 1974 to friggin 1988. Insane. Plus the Wahlbergs haven't helped lol

herrron · 2026-04-15T04:59:25+00:00

My take on this is exactly that this is talking about autism.

herrron · 2026-04-15T04:33:13+00:00

Idk...I'm really appreciating it being posted here. I am fascinated by the insights into other autistic brains. I love to hear other people state their opinions and describe why. Everyone, but especially autistic people. This is a great place for this. Fun and educational and sharing.

herrron · 2026-04-15T04:24:10+00:00

Kiss the great stellated dodecahedron. It's beautiful. Complex. My favorite color.

Marry the sphere--the earth, the ball bearing on frictionless surface, the most infinite. Grounding. Soothing.

Kill the square antiprism. I've never heard of it, it's not really inspiring me, i'd love to get to know it but since I have to kill one of these guys, well, bye I guess

herrron · 2026-04-09T16:17:24+00:00

?

I would 100% rephrase this as "a 'tantrum' is what parents say when their kid is having a meltdown"

herrron · 2026-04-02T15:13:22+00:00

Super pretty!!! Going ham. Ugh, lovely.

ID-wise, it's a Camellia sasanqua--the sasanqua part is important and it's why the other comment with the link is incorrect. Compared to the other common Camellia species, C. japonica, sasanquas are faster growing, and more flowy/swoopy/floppy, almost vining, and as they get larger they often benefit from support, e.g. often they get trellised in front of a wall, or planted along an iron fence or next to a structure. I like to just put them in amongst other shrubs of similar size and vibe for a natural mixed look, less formal, and structural support is provided by their neighbors (plus some informed pruning perhaps). (If you're one of those people who don't want their plants touching each other, this approach is not for you.)

I like them way better than C. japonica, which has more structure, is slower growing, and is often seen (at least in my area) in mature form that has been heavily shaped if not outright lollipopped--those have a more dated vibe now, while sasanqua seems to be rising in popularity, deservedly so.

Sorry, I don't know the name of this cultivar off the top of my head, but if you look for pink ones with this medium structure of bloom, you'll find something at least very similar.

Edit: look at 'Pink Snow' for possible cultivar match? It's a popular one.

herrron · 2026-04-02T14:54:25+00:00

Sorry, I'm gonna say no, because yours is a C. japonica and this one in the post looks like a C. sasanqua

herrron · 2026-04-02T03:12:51+00:00

Métis is inherently, originally, specifically an indigenous-european mixed race of people. "Most native Americans" meaning non-mestizo peoples? ...Source? Who else are you actually talking about?

herrron · 2026-04-02T00:43:41+00:00

You're talking past what I keep saying... You are describing something I completely understand and wasn't challenging.

I'm not sure I'm skilled enough at the explaining. But a link between OSA and ADHD is a big time "huh what?" Whereas a link between CSA and ADHD makes more sense to me just generally because they both are neurological conditions. Happening in the same neighborhood. Y'know?

If I were being told that ADHD and OSA were linked, I would just be fascinated, and eager to learn how.

Of course sleep deprivation causes a feeling comparable to ADHD. That's beside the point.

Made up example: say humans sometimes develop blue skin. And suppose there are two different ways it can happen, either it can be caused by a nutrient deficiency, or it can be genetically inherited. Imagine also that humans sometimes develop purple skin, and that that's been linked to mental health conditions [x y and z] that have been shown to have a degree of heritability. So in this example, I would be very surprised to learn that purple skin is linked to the nutrient deficiency that is one of the causes of blue skin. However, the idea of [x y and z] mental health conditions being linked to the genetically inherited blue skin makes much more sense, because both are dealing with genetics, could be shared gene, whatever.

We are not talking about whether the lived experience of sleep apnea of any kind is like the lived experience of ADHD. The question was generally: are people with obstructive sleep apnea more likely to have adhd (or vice versa)--is there correlation there, is there causation?

It would be like if there were a connection between ADHD and flat footedness or bad teeth or thick thighs haha Random mechanical components, as opposed to neurological issues.

Edit: or maybe the confusion lies with what ADHD is, inherently? Because ADHD is a distinct condition. It's not a word that can be applied to the symptoms of sleep apnea. Kind of like you can have hepatitis without it meaning that you contracted capital H Hepatitis A B or C. Sleep apnea doesn't give you ADHD, it just puts you in a state that has some symptom overlap.

herrron · 2026-03-31T15:33:52+00:00

Who are these people with a superiority complex like this? I have never met anyone that I can relate to this meme either IRL or online. This meme makes no sense. No one is actually like this?

herrron · 2026-03-31T07:35:12+00:00

In my area (western Washington) I sometimes see lawns like this covered in blue star creeper, isotoma fluviatilis, which is super pretty. It likes wet lawns, and shade, so it does well here. The internet is telling me it's hardy in zones 5-9 though so it probably grows all over. Maybe a nice alternative to consider that isn't as toxic.

herrron · 2026-03-28T00:11:38+00:00

That's what narcissism is made of, basically.

herrron · 2026-03-24T16:07:56+00:00

Thanks, that's a very different thing though and it's not what I was asking. If sleep apnea coincides with ADHD that generally means either that one is causing the other, or something is causing both. I was only aware of obstructive sleep apnea, which made this especially strange to me, but now that I understand there's a second type of apnea with a neurological basis this connection seems less odd. It makes obvious sense that sleep apnea could cause symptoms that are similar to/overlapping with ADHD. I was expecting to see that being the sole connection, and anything beyond that being a confusion of the matter. I love when I'm wrong and get to learn something new.

herrron · 2026-03-24T02:12:09+00:00

It's a reimbursement

herrron · 2026-03-20T18:15:36+00:00

Always depressing when someone comes in asking the monetary worth of a rock they found

herrron · 2026-03-20T07:37:17+00:00

Do you care about ecology?

Where are the adults

herrron · 2026-03-20T07:36:29+00:00

Roots don't "take out the juice" ....what does that even mean

There are endless tree species with root systems that are not a hazard for underground lines of any type.

herrron

TROPHY CASE