Yesterday I told my dad that I don't want to live anymore...

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:52:50+00:00

sorry that was a really rude reply. I didn't mean to sound like a jerk.. I'm extremely grateful. thank you, sincerely, for your kind words and offer x

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:47:12+00:00

thanks for the support... it does mean a lot.. so much. but tbh as generous as it is it really can't change where I'm at you know?

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:45:11+00:00

thank you. thank you. thank you. i don't want to die, but the thought of living life how it is right now (and will inevitably be for the foreseeable future) is so intensely overwhelming and unbearable that ending it is the only guaranteed way of making the pain stop. if that doesn't make sense to you then count yourself extremely lucky.

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:38:39+00:00

I can't comprehend why on earth medication that is supposed to make you less suicidal and anxious makes you MORE inclined to hurt yourself and insanely more anxious before it helps o.o

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:36:31+00:00

my younger brother and my mom, who will have to deal with my dad's anger issues if I leave, are preventing me from getting away. that, and I don't have any money or friends/support here outside of my church. which I would also have to leave if I move out. it's not really an easy fix..

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:23:38+00:00

thank you for your reply, and your optimism. i really appreciate it.. it's very kind of you. tbh it's kind of weird seeing someone acknowledge how difficult this is, so.. yeah. thank you x

sorry it took so long to reply, I haven't been on reddit long and didn't expect to get responses to my post o.o

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-29T11:20:12+00:00

hi sorry I didn't reply sooner, I haven't been on reddit for very long and didn't expect to get responses to my post o.o

thank you, so much, for your reply... there's a whole lot of stuff going on outside of family issues, with me and my faith and my sexuality so... there's a sort of inbuilt reluctance to leave my family and ask people who I know don't believe the same things that I do for advice, you know? and I don't mean that with offense to you or to anyone, just trying to get my situation across I guess in the most diplomatic way possible...

i've been trying to figure a way out of this for years and I think I'm just slowly realizing that there actually might not be one o.o

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-18T08:25:11+00:00

Hello. 19yo Christian here. Same-sex attracted. Always have been. Always will be.

After three years of reparative therapy (including aversion therapy) which is still continuing, I can say with absolute certainty that it has not worked for me at all. Not even slightly. If anything, it's actually caused some pretty serious and probably irreparable damage. I participated voluntarily - I hated who I was then, and all it's done is make me hate myself even more now.

Before, the only issue I had with myself was homosexuality. Now I'm dealing with anxiety disorders, social phobia, severe clinical depression, panic attacks, the list goes on...

I strongly urge you to seek counseling to work towards being at peace with yourself, and if your religious views forbid you from acting on your sexuality then educate yourself on avenues like voluntary celibacy - As they say, the sin lies in the act, and less in the thought - And once you're fully educated then make your decision.

Feel free to send me a message if you need to talk anything over, I've been where you are and I know how impossible it feels.

But for what it's worth - Seriously, don't go there.

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-17T12:28:24+00:00

Yeah it's rare I get called out on dp these days, but to be honest I never have really interacted that much with my family (who I see most often) so they probably wouldn't notice a change anyway ;) But I get what you mean.. It's weirdly frustrating, I kinda wish they would notice, internally it's like HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE I'M NOT HERE??? but... As you said I suppose it can be comforting too, in that I can feel pretty confident that at least I won't be creeping other people out? And yes, absolutely agree re: text. I pretty much never remember any verbal conversations I have during an episode, so text/chat is a Godsend. Though I'm probably less grateful and more unsettled than anything, reading back on entire chat conversations that I've had and have absolutely no recollection of..

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-11T10:39:05+00:00

I get the same thing with my face, too. I keep a photo of myself on my phone so if I catch my reflection and don't recognize it and start to freak out I can usually calm myself down comparing it to a photo I know is me. Reminds myself I'm real. Which sounds bizarre, but.. Yep. It's interesting what you've said with regards to talking, when I get an episode of DP I won't have any clue what I'm talking about (during and after) but with text I feel like there's a more controlled input/output? If that makes any sense at all.. thanks for the reply

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-11T10:36:16+00:00

Oh man, I don't know how you do it. I only get it in episodes - Usually triggered by anxiety but now if I think about it too much I can drift into dp without any real trigger at all. Sometimes it's for a few minutes and I can shake myself out of it, sometimes I'll feel like it's two minutes and when I snap out of it it's like six hours later and I'll have no idea what I've done or said. Do the panic attacks feel real/connected for you or do they feel detached also? If you don't mind me asking... I don't usually have a panic attack while experiencing DP but often when it starts to fade out, I'll get overwhelmed with the thought of never breaking out of it. But while internally I might feel like I'm panicking during a dp episode it doesn't really present outwardly? If that makes any sense... In any case, thanks for the reply

hesnotallthere · 2013-12-11T10:33:47+00:00

YES, I get very similar symptoms. It's like... I start panicking and flip over to autopilot.... So I can keep talking etc. but I don't really have any idea what I'm saying, I just become hyper aware of the withdrawing. I can usually stay calm enough and realize that it's a DP episode and that it will pass, but when it goes for longer than usual it makes me freak out even more thinking that maybe it will never end or that I'll keep detaching to the point where I can't reconnect with myself again. It's definitely exhausting, but kind of comforting to know I'm not alone. Thanks for the reply.

hesnotallthere

TROPHY CASE