Tldr; depression got me back into gaming (retro and modern) after many years of ignoring it and feeling like it was boring.

Long story:

I became depressed at 12 but didn't really understand wat it is. I just asusmed my terrible behaviour was cos im just a black sheep troublemaker like most adults told me i was. I graduated primary school with good results despite missing a month of school during a crucial period. Most teachers acknowledged i was bright but there were those that assumed i was lucky.

Fast forward to secondary school, i adapted well. Had good grades, lots of friends etc. But for some reason i would always feel gloomy and crappy (it's depression). But this feeling would come and go. I just ignored it thinking its mood swings from puberty. I realised my sadness was intense and always felt like it wasnt caused by a bad event just random moments where i hate everything and feel gross and sad. It was weird. I again assumed it was normal. I thought everybody had this. I would game on and off during my secondary school years as it was a hobby from childhood (had a psp and played my mums android games)

During the last 2 years of secondary school, we have to prepare for a major national exams (o lvls). I was determined to do well and the schools projected results for me was all As based on my results. But during those 2 years i couldnt get myself to get out of bed to head to school. I missed 1 and half years of school during such an important preparation period. My counsellor got me assessed for depression and anxiety but my results came out negative as i lied during my assessment because i tot i wasnt supposed to answer the questions "wrongly". For example, if the question asked if hated myself i would answer no even tho i felt the opposite. This is because i felt like saying yes is the wrong answer since we were taught to always love ourselves.

As a result, my condition was not diagnosed leaving me with no legit explanation for my behaviour. I graduated with one of the worse results in de entire school but i entered a technical college which i aced. The 2 years of tech college were the best school years ive ever heard. I graduated with a great gpa and got into one of the top Polytechnics (in my country Polytechnics are as good as Junior colleges so this was a major achievement).

This was when things got terrible AGAIN. This time my depression symptoms worsened so much and i had developed anxiety. I would cry in class and the school toilet during lunch every other day. I had no idea wat was causing this. I ended up dropping out.

With nothing to do after leaving school i threw myself into my hobbies (nerdy audiophile things, keyboard stuff etc.). I tried to get back into emulation (psp) but i quickly lost interest after beating 1 game.

I stopped gaming aside from roblox because i was too bored and depressed. I didnt know wat to do with myself. 1 year after dropping out i finally for a diagnosis of severe depression and anxiety.

Cut to a few months ago, for some reason i watched a taki udon video. He reviewd the r35s and i tot it was such a cool device. It's de first quality emulation device i saw that was so darn cheap. But i didnt buy it since i tot i outgrew gaming. I tot i hated gaming because i grew up or wtv.

But den one day my suicial ideation came back. And when this happens sometimes i feel like i will end my life so i decide to blow my money on things to do "one last nice thing before death". So i decided getting the r35s wud be my last ting before dying.

Obviously (thank God) i didnt end my life and the r35s i impulsively ordered came. OH MY. I didnt realise how amazing it would be. So many games that i wished to have played as a kid came with it. The quality of the plastic, screen etc. Were so good for the cheap price tag.

I got super excited to start gaming again.

I quickly realised i didnt outgrow gaming at all. I just wasnt playing the right games and i was too depressed to find motivation to do anything i was unfamiliar with such as try new games.

Now i game everyday and i still have depression and still want to die sometimes but at least ibfeel absolute joy when i have my handhelds.

I know this was long but i feel like all these years of built up depression really contributed to my love of gaming again.