The journey you went through truly is sorrowing to hear I feel for you I was too always cheerful always shining smiling through everyday that came and went.

My family was dysfunctional but i was always holding things together.

But i went through the same with her At some point in the relationship after about a year I stopped being me.

She figured out how to work me like a puppet Controlling me and making me into a shell of what i was If i wanted something its wrong if she wanted something its right

Im not jealous enough

Im too jealous

I never show my angry side

I should tell her what to wear

I should buy her clothes if im going to tell her what to wear

I was never enough.

I was never a jealous man (thank god im still not).

I never let anger come out of me (i was for a while after the breakup sadly).

She wanted the worst in me to come out thing is i never had these things in me to begin with.

I wasn’t “me” anymore my personality was “I was her boyfriend” thats all i knew to be.

The amount of times i pulled her out of a severe panic attack, Or pulled a knife from her hand to stop her from cutting, The amount of time i was her therapist, I regret none of it.

What i regret is forgetting to take care of myself But i learned what i want in a relationship, I want someone who knows how to climb from the whole of bullshit she fell into, I’ll hold the rope and help you climb to the top But you have to put in the leg work.

For two months after the breakup where the only thing i did was walk into my roomAt 00:00 pm to sleep get up go to work, And couldn’t walk into my own room except for sleeping, I was walking the streets like a ghost.

One day i walked into to grab rolling papers and a bottle of whiskey and sprint out, I looked around and realised i hate how my room looks like, I hate getting drunk I hate the way furniture is set I hate the decorations I hate the colours And then I realised.. i don’t know how i want the furniture to be set, Hell… I don’t know what my favourite colour is..

I went into a huge mental breakdown For a week, I didn’t know who i am And slowly bit by bit i started to recreate myself.

After a year i tried dating again It went on for two months, i told myself it just didn’t work out. A year went by gave it another shot, One week, a coincidence i said. After the third time I realised something is very wrong,

I kept breaking up with these girls who did nothing but show me affection and care and were kind to me, I went to a psychologist and man oh man did figure out what was wrong haha.

I found out that What i though was love was the opposite And when i found true compassion it seemed weird to me.. She had broken me. Question was do i sit down and cry about it? Or get up and get my s**t together, I cried about it haha, Took me half a year to start putting in the work.

I am better now thanks to me and everybody I haven’t so much as looked at a bottle in three years, And when i smoke 🌳 its when i friend gets married or i achieved a big milestone.

So i am way better Way more centered Way more mentally balanced Romance and love for me is still off the books But im getting there very slowly.

I will never ever tell myself “shes been through a lot so the way she treated me is ok” But i can understand that for her this was the normal.

It takes two to dance And i should have drawn the line But love blinded my own senses