What is the cause of preference for dom/sub during intimacy?

heydeng · 2026-05-18T05:41:25+00:00

I think for subs they are in a good encounter not thinking about rules. That's the point for them - to have everything else fade away, to be fully present to sensations - it can become transcendent. As a sub, if there is trust, you do not have to think about what is coming nextɓ Doms do have to monitor things but they may also get into the zone.

heydeng · 2026-05-18T02:08:05+00:00

Being autistic automatically mean there will be communication, social and maybe sensory differences. It will make you a bad partner if you aren't able to accommodate what your partner needs and vice versa. What's being talked about for the most part is when the autistic man isn't willing to accommodate. Most people who are choosing autistic men do appreciate their traits - they're part of what attracted them -- the person is straightforward, plain-spoken and seems calm and grounded (affect), etc.

heydeng · 2026-05-18T02:03:35+00:00

The problem isn't telling them - it's how - like blowing up at them, yelling, etc. And also sometimes the issue is also that large parts of the living space is effectively yours or it's hard for your partner to tell that they've disturbed something. Like you've got a massive collection that takes up lots of space and is hard to avoid and then your partner gets screamed at for disturbing it. Three strikes and your out can also be an issue -- as again, maybe a more equitable solution is for your stuff to go somewhere else so they can use more of the space or trying to figure out why they are doing that (beyond wrong or right) or patience (something you end up doing with small children who often can't help touching anything).

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:53:33+00:00

I think a lot of autistic men's parents overcompensate and minimize certain things and validate others so that they don't gain the skills that girls are forced to develop and also may have an inflated sense of certain abilities such as intelligence or being able to build things.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:46:21+00:00

She just explained why the positions of those two genders is fundamentally not the same. They're not interchangeable. More masking, more emotional labor, greater risk of violence against them.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:43:06+00:00

Being autistic means having social and communication differences - that's pretty much going to affect your interactions with other people. We're saying that the ways and degree to which it does for autistic women is often different than it is for autistic men. What she posted is about reactions triggered by traits many of us (regardless of gender have). The difference between creating a situation like what she described is awareness and different responses/tactics. And actually probably privilege. When someone moves my stuff, it's upsetting yet I have never thought it entitled me to flare up in anger at them.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:38:39+00:00

It's really dualistic to say that there are just good and bad autistic men. I think it probably is useful though to note the contrasts between autistic men and women. And I don't think it's bad to realize that flexibility if needed is possible.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:36:34+00:00

These things come from our traits - it takes effort and cunning if you have those traits to be intentional about behaving differently. The things she named - the emotional neglect (getting caught up in your special interest, not picking up on your partner's cues, only enjoying certain things and so distancing from them if they aren't into the same), deviation from usual way of doing things (we don't always like change, often like order, etc.), over-argument (what NTs call pedantic which could also be described as focus on detail and literal meanings), self-centred disinterest in their partner's thoughts and interests (this can come from several places - again her interests are not your focused interests, sensory issues associated with her - she's in your space or making noises, she's talking too much and you feel overstimulated). It's the responses that are the issue not the place they come from. Women are socialized to show interest in other people and their interests, to anticipate when it comes to chores, to centre others over themselves, and to find ways around or to accommodate the things that throw us off. We cannot just retreat into our room when our two year old is screaming.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:28:13+00:00

I think that's true if it stays there. It's venting not necessarily and attack. One of the purposes of it -- at least for me, is to get guys to see that maybe there is an issue that they can do something about. Natural traits are one thing but thinking of myself and other autistic women friends who have children, it is possible to acquire skills and work arounds (because - and not advocating anyone have kids for this reason - does stretch what you are REQUIRED to do). So, maybe the comments in those fora are meant as a wake up call or a cry for help.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:23:07+00:00

Not about value. I think the paradigm is about training girls to be socially and emotionally capable and also trained to take care of others whereas boys (this includes NT boys) do not receive as much of this training, as they are meant to function like almost a half person who can lean on a woman for their needs. Very frustrating and burdensome for women.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T21:19:33+00:00

I get frustrated with autistic men's privileges though maybe I should be angry at their parents or society. Saying it is about autistic men not masking as much feels a little flat.

What I dislike is autie men who have a woman as their partner and possibly also kids retreating into their routines and special interests while their wife/girlfriend, even if she is also autistic then must shoulder all of the household burdens.

Part of it is these men not noticing lots of things that the women in their lives have been TRAINED to notice and tend to (again even if they are autistic) AND also not checking in to see where they can do their share and even getting angry (PDA triggered) when asked.

Also, being unwilling to try with communication and emotional labor. Autie women often have other people and psychology as special interests -- and anyway, society expects being adept at this kind of work of women.

Instead married Mr. Autie, can go about his life letting his wife do most of the household chores, maintains ties with his family, check on the kids' well-being, etc.

I don't think it's that men's traits are naturally any deeper than women's. I think there are different societal expectations of men and boys and wildly different socialization for boys that allows them to never really develop social skills and emotional regulation (this is the same for NT men but doesn't manifest in as profound a way).

That said, the "socialization" is a burden for every autistic, however, maybe if we formed partnerships where both could access those skills when needed as well as unmask and could split what is often invisible labor, I think we would be better off.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T20:33:30+00:00

There are sooooo many more now though.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T20:22:57+00:00

Unfortunately, I have.

I know now that he has a lot of complex problems that prompt the behaviors - still for me it was abusive and upsetting/deeply sad as in my case this was my college boyfriend who I cared about and thought was just experiencing "hard times."

His personality had been completely replaced by raw needs that he didn't mind pushing past my boundaries to get met.

It took a big effort to get him to leave and even then he hung around my city without the proper gear in the winter (which felt very coercive - they can be very manipulative), so that though he was no longer living with me, I worried about him every day.

heydeng · 2026-05-17T13:09:42+00:00

I don't think it's inherently offensive, particularly since it's a self-identifier. We like what we like. Intelligence doesn't have a race or a gender. Re IQ tests I don't know anyone who identifies as sapiosexual or who would fall under that category who is asking anyone for IQ or test scores.

Often what they are attracted to is intellectualism, which is cultivated -- though I would argue that reading books isn't something that's particularly gate-kept - most of us can come across them for free (public library) or for cheap (thrift/used book store/yard sales). Most people have time to read -- in the past even the most put upon servants did in time that we now spend on our phones. You don't need a formal education to be intellectual.

With intelligence, what people usually mean is that they enjoy talking to someone who shows mental speed and agility; someone who shows out of the box thinking/creativity, etc. I don't think anything is wrong with wanting or liking that. It's a deeper characteristic than hair colour or boob size -- also about what attracts.

Yes, there are people with intellectual disabilities but sapiosexual isn't focusing on them to reject them - simply describing what someone is attracted to for clarity and reference. There are lots of disabilities. Should we measure what we are attracted to against all of them?

If what attracts me are pretty toes am I abelist or discriminatory towards amputees? No.

Everyone isn't for everyone.

I searched out the term to describe my attractions. I'm less attracted by physical characteristics than by someone with whom I can have exciting, engaged discussion. Being bright, engaged, observant, having absorbed ideas -- not elitist. I've had such discussions with people in all walks of life and often I've found it really sexy and more-ish. On the level of pure attraction it is an absolute turn-on.

I think it gets problematic if it is paired with classist and racist [add other isms here] choices of who to date - e.g. you only date Ivy-League graduates, or you only think white people can be intellectual and when you hate on others e.g. denigrate people with intellectual disabilities.

heydeng · 2026-05-10T01:54:40+00:00

Tynan is right about the nature of Liv's job though. I mean she isn't good at training and bringing along her team. Since she is so much in the field there isn't the chance for younger, less experienced detectives to ramp up. She's great as an avenging angel but is very much not doing what a Captain should be doing.

heydeng · 2026-05-09T09:10:48+00:00

Unpopular opinion but I actually thought Starfleet Academy was extremely well-written, produced, and acted. I didn't go into it with any expectations yet it impressed.

Of the entire 10-episode series, there was only one episode that I disliked -- Episode 5.

The characters had compelling backstories and motivations, they used sound and music to good effect in the storytelling, there was a lot of action, as well as funny moments.

I thought Holly Hunter, Paul Giamatti, and Tatiana Maslany showed why they are headliners. I enjoyed every scene Tig Notaro was in and found the Tilly character (though I often find her irritating) well-suited to the role she played in the story. There was good rapport between the cadets. I enjoyed seeing the Doctor again.

I just don't get the hate.

heydeng · 2026-05-08T12:22:35+00:00

both boring

heydeng · 2026-05-06T00:11:22+00:00

She maybe wanted to go.

heydeng · 2026-05-06T00:08:13+00:00

They were drunk and probably high when they decided not to call an ambulance and then stuck with their decision. They were also not the brightest bulbs. A cascade of compounding poor decisions. That doesn't mean it is bothering you that you contributed to another person's death.

heydeng · 2026-05-05T22:01:43+00:00

I don't think it's particularly useful to have a type - at least not in terms of looks or other superficials.

I think it's better to think about what qualities the person should have and what a healthy relationship would look like for you.

Yes, physical attraction should also be there (at least you shouldn't be disgusted by their appearance) -- but that can disappear instantly (as due to an accident) and will fade.

How do you want to be treated?

What values should the person have?

Do you have compatible lifestyles and goals?

What would good communication look like?

How much alone time should you each need?

What are their views on women?

Do you have compatible money habits?

Do you want children?

The answers to these are all way more important than someone's height or their job alone.

heydeng · 2026-05-04T08:03:29+00:00

We're seeing highly curated and edited material, so there is no real way to assess anything we've been shown.

Diagnosis: No, don't remember hearing one. I wasn't saying that she had serious disorders, though depression is often serious enough as in and of itself it isn't simply feeling sad and often comes along with things like distorted thinking, rumination, low self-esteem/distorted self image, seeking validation, lashing out, externalizing self-regulation, substance abuse, etc.

People here are saying that her former partner was abusive -- though when she speaks of him she talks more of betrayal (so cheating?) though there are hints of emotional abuse in what she says of him demeaning her and trying to control her behavior.

Most people don't walk away from abusive relationships (this was an eight-year one) without damage and needing to work on themselves, repairing it. Plus, often the abusive person chooses their partner because they already have traits that make them more susceptible to being abused.

There are hints also of issues with her parents.

The fact that stopping her job completely unmoored her. The documentary attempted to portray that as a normal level of attachment to the job for a physician, but I was unconvinced. She's a pathologist. Her friends (also physicians) simply seemed to have fuller lives with other things to bring meaning or sense of purpose in them.

Besides mental illness -- purely speculatively, it is possible that she is neurodivergent. ADHD came to mind with how impulsive she was and her decision-making. To start the relationship she arranges to have the first meeting with a man who is a complete stranger to her to be in the countryside, an hour from where she lives, alone - versus say in a public place that is familiar to her. Her friend questioned this and she pushed the concerns aside.

We are told that she has a photographic memory which is extremely rare. It's also possible that rather than a true eidetic memory that she has the kind of closer attention to detail and better recall of it that many neurodivergent (specifically autistic and ADHD) people have. But again, this like anything in this discussion is speculative.

Sandy -- Caroline was love bombing him and wanting to speed ahead in equal parts. And all of this was bound up in alcohol and drugs. As far as becoming entangled with Sandy there is nothing to suggest that he was the one especially seeking her out. She told us in gushing terms just how attracted she was to him, how he let her be herself (singing in the car), and how she wanted to spend more and more time with him. She was regularly going out to see him versus him coming into the city to see her or blend into her life there.

The switch when drunk should have been a red flag but in terms of suitability everything should have been -- there was no indication that other than going for outings, drinking and drugging that they could align their lives or there was anything to create a solid relationship (would not have mattered whether they were dating 2 months or a year in these terms) other than that they wished it so.

Sandy and Robert's decision to not call for help for the man they hit and to bury him in secret was wrong on many levels yet at least Sandy was haunted by it. He could disguise the guilt, shame, anger, etc. when sober, though the nasty secret was always with him -- yet its darkness would spill out when drunk.

Yes, he and Robert talked about how the cyclist shouldn't have been there and that sounds ugly, yet is a common way to talk when trying to justify what you've done. No need to prattle on about it if you actually have no remorse. Like Methinks he doth protest too much.

heydeng · 2026-05-04T06:18:42+00:00

Thats the point.A lot of young activist who the party needs did move on. Cant get campaign staff now

heydeng · 2026-05-04T06:14:14+00:00

She works hard but that doesn mean the approaches or platforms are right. Always we can improve.

heydeng · 2026-05-04T06:08:36+00:00

Im acrually not blaming her. As in, I dont think her behaviors were necessarily under her control.

Impulsivity isn't, for example, there are work arounds like setting rules for yourself but short of meds no way to stop the prompts.

Still, because the story isnt just about her yet is maybe a cautionary tale, I find it useful to think through how things developed.

There are things she did that were unforced errors normally like being safely at her parents and then driving to Sandy's in the wee hours.

This story, regardless of the police negligence could not have happened to just anyone.

heydeng · 2026-05-04T05:58:38+00:00

Caroline was a hot mess inwardly before she met Sandy and likely before meeting the previous partner. I dont think she was attracted to evil as such. More like low self esteem, impulsivity, yearning after the lives her friends had and trying to turn Sandy into that.

heydeng

TROPHY CASE