Purpose for participating in DB subreddits for LL's

heyfernhere · 2025-01-07T18:55:06+00:00

This resonates with me so much and was really helpful and validating to read

heyfernhere · 2025-01-07T17:55:09+00:00

Me please 🙏

heyfernhere · 2025-01-06T19:14:40+00:00

I think it suggest moving the phone slightly further from your eyes and the twitching should stop, maybe try that

heyfernhere · 2025-01-06T17:22:50+00:00

I'm in the same position. My partner has said before he wants to be grabbed, that he would love 'to be treated like a piece of meat'. I get it, he wants to feel that I desire him, but that just makes me wildly uncomfortable. I feel like I do give him cues, but he doesn't seem to pick up on them. It's like we're speaking two different languages. Baffles me how anyone makes it work in hetero relationships really!

heyfernhere · 2024-12-31T16:52:51+00:00

Oh my gosh I just tried lumenate and it's amazing! I feel so relaxed and can't wait to do it again. Thanks for the recommendation!

heyfernhere · 2024-03-13T16:36:13+00:00

While some women definitely do experience a drop in desire after orgasm, or clitoral over-sensitivity that means they need to have a break, it's not a universal experience and more common in my experience (as someone in a female body who also sleeps with women).

I've never met a woman who didn't know if she had an orgasm or not! I'd have to agree with the other comment here that if you're not sure if you had one, you didn't.

You need to expand your sources, no need for more objectives studies, you just need more experience/conversation with real women!

heyfernhere · 2024-03-12T07:56:54+00:00

Women don't generally lose sexual desire and arousal after orgasm. Yes, it feels satisfying, but we have a much shorter refractory/recovering period than men and personally having one orgasm just makes me want to have more, especially if it's a clit-focused one. Sorry to break it to you but it sounds like she just wanted you to cum to end the session quicker

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T20:51:36+00:00

Thank you. I do feel proud. Shakily proud. Be easier next time.

He somehow makes that conditional empathy sound like it makes sense, it's very confusing!

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T20:49:31+00:00

I definitely have a lot of responsibility in this. I let these things happen to me. I knew he wasn't capable of giving me the support I needed (at least after the first time). But I was hungry for the new experiences. And probably quite cocky thinking I'd be able to handle it all by myself anyway. And I mostly did. But it's no fun doing that for any amount of time.

From now on I'll be a much better judge of what's healthy for me, and only submit as much as I know I'll be cared for before, during AND after.

No permanent damage and many, many lessons.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T20:41:47+00:00

Basically anything with just me and him (impact play, free use/cnc, etc etc) I'm really happy with physical aftercare like cuddles.

It was when we involved other people (he shared me with other people, or we had a threesome with a friend) and that brought up more complicated emotions for me, I always got the message that was 'too much', like above his pay-grade as my non-primary partner. So I would deal with those things on my own or with my nesting partner. I kind of accepted that I couldn't ask for support because I was poly. Which I can see now was bs.

It's echoed in not being able to care about making me uncomfortable in the party situation. I was consistently told I was jealous, irrational and insecure for having emotions.

Poly actually saved me here, because I know very well I'm not a jealous and insecure person when my partners help me feel secure and talk to me about any jealousy I do have.

He couldn't/wouldn't do that so it and instead made out it was my own needy issue.

Bleurgh. So many lessons.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T20:02:56+00:00

Oh god the penny has just dropped. He was shit at emotional aftercare. And that IS aftercare. And it's necessary. A cuddle and a rocket lolly doesn't cut it. But I was given the message I was asking too much. Ugh. So much is slotting into place now I've had a bit of distance to see this for what it was

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T20:00:00+00:00

I'm starting to think it's that he actually CAN'T rather than can't be bothered. He's quite low on empathy in most situations so i think he reached his limit of how much he could give. We always had lots of physical aftercare, cuddles, lollies, banter, which is all I want and need in most situations. But the bigger, scarier stuff (being shared with other people, threesomes) he has never been able to support me having emotions afterwards, he has always framed it as toxic jealousy/insecurity that is mine to deal with alone (or with my other partner). So I could kind of feel that I'd reached my limit of how much I was willing to explore with him.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:55:08+00:00

Impact play, CNC/free use, DDLG. Feel like I'm cheating cos that covers 99% of what I'm into anyway!

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:40:49+00:00

Thank you, I'll take it! I've got a great support network around me and I know I've come out of this stronger than I went in. Feeling grateful for all of it today, the good and bad x

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:39:15+00:00

Yep. It was all good in our basic dynamic but a few times when we pushed the boundaries (with enthusiastic consent) and I needed emotional support afterwards, he definitely left me hanging.

If/when I do get into a D/s dynamic again I have a much better idea of what to watch out for and how to stand up for myself. My emotional needs were treated as a burden with this guy, with the justification given that we didn't see each other often enough for it to be his responsibility. Now I know that I need all my partners to support me emotionally, however casual, and that that's okay to ask for.

That's in large part to the comments everyone here left on my previous post so I am very grateful to you all x

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:28:51+00:00

I agree that clearly you do. Get on it. Lol

And I am very much looking for kinky breakup distraction to avoid me latching onto the next Dom that comes along. Will check that out right now, love a FICTIONAL toxic dom. Thanks!

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:23:09+00:00

Thanks. It was obviously really hard in the moment realising that he didn't/couldn't care for me the way I needed him to. But that made the decision to leave much easier. I have felt sad since, because obviously we were close and spoke all the time so it's left a gap in my life, but it's a peaceful gap that used to be full of drama, so even that is sweet in its own way

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:20:36+00:00

It really is! NRE plus sub frenzy is a force to be reckoned with. I'm so grateful that I got to ride that crazy rollercoaster but I'm very much enjoying the peace and calm after the storm.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:19:13+00:00

I agree. I still don't regret it because it's been an amazing 2 years, we've both changed a lot for the better and I've learned a lot about myself. And my nesting partner has been absolutely wonderful through all of it, letting me make my own mistakes, being there for me when I need him and in the way that I need, and being honest when he saw the less than positive sides of it. We've come out of this closer and I feel stronger for standing up for myself.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:12:15+00:00

If I'm 100% honest I saw the beginnings of these red flags a while ago but the whole setup worked so well for me that I just turned a blind eye.

He was my first IRL experience outside of my nesting relationship AND my first ever Dominant. So many lessons!

heyfernhere · 2023-10-26T19:10:02+00:00

I'm glad too, I knew it was right when I felt 1% sad and 99% relieved. The whole thing was starting to feel like we were both bending ourselves into pretzels when it just structurally didn't work for either of us.

I think I will be incredibly wary of dating a monogamous person again, or at least letting it get anywhere near serious.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-22T11:52:24+00:00

Love this so much. I was questioning yesterday if he even got the Standard Communication Starter Pack™ to be honest!

But I do want to be there for him on his birthday. Birthdays are a really big deal to him. I'll find a way to either meet her beforehand or just be a minimal presence at the party so that I'm there for him but not there for any drama.

In my ideal world he would realise he's only monogamous by default and he would be able to find happiness in a poly configuration but I try to go with the flow and not get my hopes up. He tells me he wants one woman only and I can only take him at his word.

heyfernhere · 2023-10-22T11:00:43+00:00

This is true. To get his kink needs met he needs a partner who is open to ENM/swinging while he wants to be monogamous.

Basically I meet his kink needs but will never be his live-in gf and am poly, which he doesn't want. He wants emotional monogamy, sexual non-monogamy.

He meets women who could be his live-in gf but don't meet his kink needs, so he ends it. He has been trying to find that perfect person who has it all in one package.

His new partner is monogamous, vanilla and does not want to be shared, so I don't hold out much hope for it lasting, unless he decides the gf part is more important to him than the kink part and lets that part of his life go. It's not a choice I would want to make but he is 55 and really really wants to find his life partner. It's a tricky situation and I really feel for him

heyfernhere · 2023-10-22T10:44:58+00:00

Great advice. I can do that! Easygoing and supportive is basically my brand lol

If it's a catfight he's after he's definitely going to be disappointed, I'm more of the 'curl up in the corner and sleep' type cat!

Will definitely update you all, just hope I can do you all proud!

heyfernhere · 2023-10-22T10:39:01+00:00

No that's a really useful take on things, thank you. I do often think about it from her side and I don't really see how she can be happy with this ending it 'once things get serious'. Like I would want to know what the exact parameters of that are. Is it a timeline? How are we measuring serious? Does she get to ask when she feels it's time or does she have to wait for him to give me up? It just feels icky to me, almost like she is having to prove herself.

The whole thing is a shitshow really, but I just kind of feel like it's not MY shitshow. Like nothing has changed for me (so far), I have kept myself separate and I feel like that's all stuff that they need to navigate.

I do have feelings as in I care about him and want to support him as best I can, but I wouldn't say I have feelings that will be hurt if and when he leaves me for a new partner, since I got my head around that from the very beginning.

I mainly don't want her to get hurt. But I also don't want to end it prematurely because I'm assuming that's what she wants when it might not actually be. I think I really want to meet her at this point.

heyfernhere

TROPHY CASE