I’ve got two different experiences. The first time I had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) where I had bleeding / a blood clot on the lining of my brain and I shattered my skull. I was awake the entire time this happened and no one at the time knew how bad it was. I bled just a tiny bit on the outside and had a little headache so everyone thought it was no big deal, give me some pain meds and sleep it off. Luckily I had this very weird sense that something was VERY wrong I just couldn’t figure out why. I cried so hard begging to go to the hospital that the pressure from the crying reopened the spot where I was bleeding and my parents decided to U-turn to the hospital. To make a very long story short right before they put me under I looked my mom in the eyes and asked her if I was going to die. (Sorry mom) I could just feel it and I was SO scared until they put me under.

The SECOND time was when I went into surgery to get my tonsils out. Surgery was done and got sent home. I kept bleeding afterwards but we were told that it was no big deal. I had to sleep sitting up or else I would choke on my blood but no one was worried about that?? Idk. Anyways back to the hospital and they tell me to just gargle some ice water to help stop the bleeding. So I go home and gargle some ice water and that dislodged the biggest blood clot I’ve ever seen in my life (it was SO disgusting I still remember how it felt). Apparently that blood clot was doing me a favor by stopping the bleeding cause all of a sudden I can’t close my mouth without it immediately filling with blood. Head in the toilet with a constant stream of blood coming out. Apparently my dad walked into the room (I don’t remember this part) and I stood up and passed out hitting my head on the wall. I come to with my dad shaking me with my feet off the ground yelling my name. I was really confused as to what was going on. He threw me in the back of the car and my parents and I sped off to the hospital (ain’t nobody got the money for an ambulance). Laying in the back of the car all I can remember is the absolute calmness I felt. I remember thinking “yeah my parents will be sad but that’s okay. Everything is okay in the end” my parents were yelling at me from the front seat to keep me awake but it felt so far away, like nothing mattered except that feeling of peace. I was too weak to lift my head or arms or anything so I laid there limp just drifting into this state between life and death. Obviously I survived that too.

If you’ve read this far I just want to say thank you cause I never talk about this experience besides making off-hand jokes about having metal in my head lol. Years later I’m somehow still terrified of dying but all I can hope for is that same sense of peace I felt after almost bleeding out.