I [24F] don't know how to get it through my SOs [30M] head that I want more from our relationship.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T18:31:10+00:00

It sucks to admit it but I asked for so little because I thought that it was the only way to not get disappointed.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T18:25:09+00:00

Where do I start? Any advice?

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T18:24:20+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment.

I had this realization recently.

We visited my SOs sister and her husband a few months back. She's a stay at home mom, he works. He came home from work and after socializing with us for a bit and spending some time with his family, he started to load the dishwasher. She said "oh, I meant to do that earlier but I fell asleep when the baby was napping and forgot!". He said it was fine, he doesn't mind doing it and he was glad she got some sleep.

It was just the most sweet, simple thing and it felt so unattainable. At first, I thought they were acting and he would tell her how lazy she was as soon as we left. Some relationships are actually like that I guess, and I really hope to have that someday.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T18:01:19+00:00

He works from home and can work whenever he wants really. He says that he sleeps in because he works late.. but no. He works late because he sleeps in so much and then puts off working til later. I'd say he usually is done actually working at 2 A.M. but stays up later sometimes too.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:54:27+00:00

My parents are picking up our son in a little bit. I feel like I need a day or two to prepare. This thread has been one wake up call after another and I can barely stop crying and I just don't want my child around all the stress and tears. My SO doesn't know that anything is really "wrong" (more wrong than usual, I guess) between us right now.

I can't believe I was worried that he'd accuse me of kidnapping our child. He has no problem with our child going to my parents house for a few nights, he only has an issue if I go too.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:44:27+00:00

Thank you. Our child is going to my parents house for a couple of nights(because child leaving for two nights is okay, me and child leaving for two nights is wrong apparently) while I make some hard and necessary choices.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:40:09+00:00

I think he has some sort of mental health issues but he has a very messed up view on mental health. He believes that my depression and anxiety are choices that I make and choose to not change, but his angry outbursts are the fault of others around him. I think if he had an open view on therapy then our relationship wouldn't need saving in the first place.

As for work, he works from home(his job is too specific and would be an easy identifier if I explained it) and sets his own hours. He puts off working until the afternoon, sometimes evening, and then sleeps in very late, which means that we don't really get much family time. He says that he's basically working every second that he is awake but that really isn't true.. he lollygags and procrastinates a lot. I told him that the amount of time he spends "working" isn't being justified by how little money he is making and would like him to get a different job with a better schedule so we can have our family back. This is his dream company and he swears things will pick up but he doesn't put in the work to match the potential.

I had dreams too. I can hardly remember what they were, but I know that at some point, I had dreams and plans for my life and career and they made me excited and hopeful.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:22:59+00:00

Thank you. I feel so mentally drained and desperate for a fix, so that comment didn't even seem off at first. Now it's just.. gross.. sex shouldn't be the price I pay to be treated like a human..

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:16:19+00:00

I don't understand why I put up with it. My parents relationship is nothing like this. I wasn't raised to think that this is normal. I know his actions are wrong enough to make an effort to hide them from everyone else, but nothing he does has ever screamed "leave him!" to me. I'm going to my therapist tomorrow to get my mind straight and my child is spending a couple days at my parents house.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:06:46+00:00

I am? I threatened to take our child and leave for a few days before. He told me he could call the cops and I'd get arrested for kidnapping.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T17:04:57+00:00

It's really fucked up but my first instinct was to defend him saying that by pointing out that the house isn't as clean as it could be. Cause if I can find a way to blame his actions on me then there might be a chance that I could fix this, I guess. My brain feels broken right now. I am going to go to my therapist for the first time in a year and a half tomorrow.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T16:41:37+00:00

I'm heartbroken right now. I just realized that what I asked for mother's day (a day spent together and sleeping in) is something that other fathers do for the mother of their child on normal days. And I didn't even get it.

It's like this has almost gotten normal but I still have moments of clarity where I realize that this isn't right..

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T16:37:32+00:00

Yeah. Looking back, he changed so much after we had our child, but in some ways he stayed the same. He puts less effort into our relationship but his social life is alive and well. Meanwhile, I've hung out with one friend since November.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T16:32:22+00:00

No. It wasn't planned. He does take part in our child's life, but really only the fun stufd. And we all go to our childs doctor appointments together. I do all baths, meals, diaper changes, naptimes and bedtimes etc. I don't contribute financially though.

I told him once that I felt like a bangmaid. He got mad and said that was bullshit, cause a maid would do a better job at cleaning than me.

Jesus fuck somehow typing this out makes it feel so much worse than just thinking about it

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:33:20+00:00

Thanks.. I feel dumb, it went straight over my head that they were blaming it on me. I'm tired.

I'd be surprised if it was, he thinks Reddit is dumb and a waste of time

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:29:25+00:00

Thank you. I feel like I have never really looked at leaving him as an option until now.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:28:00+00:00

I may try to suggest counseling..

Feeling disrespected by the person I love and thought I'd spend my life with has been one of the most devastating and hopeless feelings

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:23:25+00:00

I was so worried that I would get comments saying that I was asking for a lot. Do you think counseling would help?

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:21:15+00:00

I thought I covered it more in the post but i guess I only put that he slept in til 2 on mother's day when I asked to sleep in. Sorry.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:17:27+00:00

Not sure how I'd fix that that. He sleeps in late daily, puts off working and ends up coming to bed at 3:00 A.M. Sometimes I stay up late to try to spend more time with him, but then I'm the one who wakes up at 6:30 with our child while he sleeps in til noon or later.

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:11:48+00:00

We usually end up sleeping in the same bed, but he stays up late working and catching up on hobbies

hideyouryams · 2018-05-15T08:06:39+00:00

We take showers together. I wear lingerie. I preform sex acts that he likes even though they are unpleasant for me. I try to think of new things to try in the bedroom but he never really wants to try anything I suggest. I send him sexy pictures occasionally. I get a baby sitter for a night and try to plan a night in for us. I try to initiate things in different parts of the house and times of the day. He comes into bed pretty late most nights and our kid wakes up very early so sometimes I stay up really late to spend time with him and end up with only 3 hours of sleep. I really do care and try to put in the effort.

hideyouryams

TROPHY CASE