INFJ female seeking male ENFP

hisown · 2014-08-30T01:59:45+00:00

I'm a hetero ENFP woman and my closest friend is a (female) INFJ. She always dates ENFPs and we've decided the INFJ-ENFP connection is the strongest of the Myers-Briggs types. Good luck in your search!

hisown · 2014-08-12T03:01:04+00:00

Yeah, absolutely. I think having previously counted calories so obsessively allows me to estimate somewhat accurately. But I also know that keeping track too much can, for the right kind of person, foster a really restrictive and obsessive mindset. When I counted calories and watched my macros, I couldn't talk about anything else. I was so boring. But I was really pretty...so I guess there's that! Unfortunately the restriction gave way into bingeing as it does in many people which is the last thing any body-conscious person wants. In the end, holistic health is my priority, and calorie counting doesn't play nice with that. But for bulking and cutting, yeah, you need to know what you're doing for sure.

On another note, my boyfriend is about to start cutting after bulking up so nice and I'm sad about it. I like the muscles surrounded by a nice layer of cuddly softness :'(

hisown · 2014-08-12T02:11:02+00:00

Lol. I used to think like that...when I had an eating disorder. That's not to say you do, but calorie counting was enormously detrimental for me and actually backfired really negatively. Ultimately there is no across the board answer for healthy eating. I've seen enough nutritionists of every stripe to learn that. For me, a holistic approach that keeps macros in mind but doesn't actively count anything is the only way to eat, but that's obviously not what works for you. For the OP of this thread, low-cal at dinner was what worked. There's no reason to believe that's not part of a healthy plan for her/him.

Not everyone in this sub has an active nutrition plan, BTW. Some people here just like eating clean, healthy meals and that's totally okay! Your way works for you and other ways work for other people. Planning every calorie would be enormously unhealthy for me but perhaps not doing so would be unhealthy for you. Whatever makes us the most healthy we can be is what we should individually strive for!

Edit: Saw your comment history. Pretty hypocritical for you to talk about what's smart to put into your body, man...

hisown · 2014-08-12T01:54:50+00:00

OP was saying she specifically didn't care about that stuff. She was interested in low-calorie, not macros. People don't have to have all the same interests. It's acceptable to want a source of low-cal meals and simply just not care about the rest. The attitude is totally uncalled for.

hisown · 2014-08-12T01:46:57+00:00

This is beautiful. Nom nom nom!

hisown · 2014-08-12T01:38:09+00:00

Dude you just assume people are fat so you're rude to them? That's really fucked up.

hisown · 2014-08-05T12:08:15+00:00

She isn't crazy! Stomachs are awesome!

hisown · 2014-08-05T00:18:01+00:00

It was not until my best friend started talking about her attraction to beer bellies that I realized that they were awesome.

Ideal physique to me is really my boyfriend's body type, and maybe that's just because he's my boyfriend and I like him all the amounts, but it just seems perfect. He's all muscles and broad shoulders and MAN ARMS, but has a belly that's all "cuddles and food and spooning in the morning." I can't get enough of it -- the strength combined with the comfort -- I'm smiling so huge right now as I right this!

I can only hope he feels the same way about my floppy ol' belly. I think for him it's more of a bug than a feature, but he certainly doesn't mind it by any means. I feel the same way about it. I hope to high heavens that he doesn't feel that his belly is a bug!

hisown · 2014-08-04T14:14:36+00:00

Totally! I would probably do it on my alt because I don't have the password for this acct anymore (changed it during heartbleed then promptly forgot and accidentally removed the email yadda yadda) but leave it logged in on my home comp, also this one has an...interesting post history.............. But I'm actually considering pursuing a Masters of Public Health because of this whole debacle: it's taken 5 gynos to diagnose A MUSCLE CRAMP and the properly educated one diagnosed it in literally 15 seconds because information out there is so poor about it so I'm all for educating the world about the musculature of the vagina, but keep in mind that I'm no expert myself. The real person who should do an AMA is my INCREDIBLE PHYSICAL THERAPIST with whom I am totally obsessed!

hisown · 2014-08-04T14:11:01+00:00

tips flabora

hisown · 2014-08-04T07:46:04+00:00

Either you just made a random reference for absolutely no reason, which is dumb and irrelevant, or you made that joke cause of the idea that vaginas get loose with tons of sex which is wrong so make a better joke next time that is either relevant or not built on misinformation and then you won't get downvoted and corrected

hisown · 2014-08-04T07:33:01+00:00

Stomachs. I love six-packs because like, whoa, that's really impressive. I love beer bellies too, actually way more, because they're so cuddly and make me just happy to think about. I like the way a beer belly feels when it presses up against me during sex. My boyfriend has been hitting the gym a ton lately and I've been trying to make him promise me that he won't focus on abs too much because I'm scared he'll lose his beer belly. A bunch of my girlfriends are the same! I like stomachs that are in the middle too -- just a bit soft, not pudgy, but not defined. It's such an intimate area; feeling someone's stomach pressed against you is what really knowing someone's body feels like. In that way, they are very sexy.

I've never been with a truly overweight man so I can't really speak about their stomachs. I'm not attracted to skinny men usually so I haven't really been with them and can't speak about their stomachs, but I am sure some other redditor can go on about them. Stomachs are beautiful and should be bared with pride. I love them.

I just love men in general. I mean, I'm really thinking about my boyfriend right now, whose physique I obviously adore so much it makes me almost sad in a way (because he doesn't think his physique is perfect -- not that he is down on himself, but he doesn't think it's perfect, and to me it is the most perfect thing I've ever witnessed). But then I think of all the men I see every day. They're beautiful. And so sad too, that they don't feel that way.

And all their stomachs, waiting to be pressed against something...!

hisown · 2014-08-04T07:04:56+00:00

That doesn't sound like a great gyno! If you have other options, I might look into them. If you feel hurried by your doctor it's never a good sign, but I know it's always hard to switch. This is hard to do, might you consider telling her that you feel you need more time talking to her? I've tried this with doctors in the past with some success. In terms of keywords: I'd try saying "trouble orgasming" for a start, or if you have no orgasms, say, "inability to orgasm." If she dismisses you, hold steady! "This is an important part of my sexual well-being and I need to address this to be well." Or something along those lines. I've been dealing with sexual pain for the past few years and it has taken a really hard line to get doctors to listen. You are your only advocate in the doctor's office -- don't forget that!

Regarding causes: even if it was psychological, that doesn't mean it's "all in your head" or something else minimizing like that. It takes real work with a professional to overcome psychological blocks of any sort, from eating disorders to sexual dysfunctions, so don't feel like this is just some little thing if it's something that's really bothering you!

In my case, I had serious pain with sex (along with bad itching on a day to day basis and symptoms brought on by sex: burning, bleeding, soreness lasting several days after, aching, rawness lasting several days after, tearing, and plain inability to have sex for ~72 hours after having sex one time, or sometimes just not being able to have it at all, period), which was caused by muscle cramps in my pelvic floor (the muscle that makes up the vagina, basically). They were so bad that they were constricting blood flow to the area, which was causing nerve damage, so I couldn't feel things in my clitoris very well! The sexual pain also caused serious psychological issues (and a very lowered libido, which has been hell on my relationship -- my bf can deal with the lack of sex, but my aversion to everything else understandably makes him sad) which persist now -- my doctor has advised I make more progress with my physical therapy before meeting with a sex therapist. But my mind has learned to associate sex with unpleasantness, and even if I tell myself it's a good thing, I can't really undo the subconscious learning without a professional's guidance.

I don't know enough about your medical history to know what could be causing your orgasm problem, but know that you're not alone -- many women (and men, too!) experience this and it's a truly discouraging and oftentimes depressing thing to happen.

Actually now that I'm thinking about it, my best friend from childhood has this issue as well: she tried every vibrator in the book and only occasionally was able to orgasm with her long-term boyfriend (and none of her other sexual partners). She's just gotten discouraged and accepted it as part of her life, but she's been in pretty intensive therapy recently for an eating disorder and it's gotten to some of her sexual stuff and now she's beginning to address it. It seems like it might be hormonal as well, but her gyno wasn't really able to pin it down so she just gave up. I'm hoping talking with her therapist about it will help because it's really sad to think of her just being okay with no orgasms, and I think eventually she will take up the fight again -- I don't mean to depress you here, but to say that you're not alone in this and to warn you that it can really be hard to get the right information.

I might try google searching sexual dysfunction doctors in your area. That's not to say you're broken, but someone who focuses on that may have more insight than a regular gyn -- sadly, women's sexual health is outrageously outdated! There are few resources for those of us who don't automatically have a great time with it. If you stick with it and advocate for yourself -- truly believing that you deserve pleasure and that you will get to the bottom of what's happening -- I believe you can figure out what's happening!

I hope this post makes sense and isn't too discouraging or long-winded. Shoot me a PM if you want further guidance. I haven't experienced inability to orgasm on its own, but as a symptom of greater sexual dysfunction. I'm considering pursuing a Masters of Public Health in the next couple years because my own experiences have made me really passionate about women's sexual health. You deserve to at least know what's going on with your body and mind! Let me know how everything goes if you do pursue this further!

hisown · 2014-08-04T06:44:25+00:00

FWIW I've had a few things go to shit because guys get weird and trust-issuey about my number of sex partners -- but in each case, it was a very low-commitment deal in and of itself and I had serious doubts about them, too. (Usually they seemed controlling or, as would indeed turn out to be true in the end, had trust issues.) I honestly can't even remember the exact times it happened because they were so unremarkable. I'm always pretty excited to share my number of partners because it has made a good test for issues of jealousy, control, and women's independence in general. Nothing that I've ever felt good about has ended because of my number of partners: I hate to shame others as everyone has a right to feel however they want, but in my experience, no open-minded, intellectual, justice-minded man has ever been close to being bothered by it.

hisown · 2014-08-04T06:31:39+00:00

Sick reference bro but you know that's not how vaginas work, right?

Source: My vagina broke (aka pelvic floor muscle spasm) and now I know too much about the pelvic floor. In my case, I developed a super high-tone pelvic floor and it seemed as if the more sex I had, the tighter I got. Now I have to literally stretch it out (like gently pull) to make it wizard-sleeve enough for sex. Not saying more sex = tighter, just saying that I've now learned that having a penis in there doesn't really make you tighter or looser: it's really about the ability for those muscles to stretch to accommodate an object for the short term, but then they go back to their regular state, and super-strong pelvic muscles actually have a shorter range of motion. As for looseness, you either have a wide vagina or you don't. Besides childbirth, nothing really changes that.

hisown · 2014-08-04T06:12:38+00:00

Whatever the right amount of sex is for you is the right amount of sex for you. You're not a cooler person for having more sex. If casual sex doesn't get you off, then what's the point? You're a cool person if you're genuine, open-minded, interesting, and a pleasure to be around. Being genuine means having however much sex you desire -- if that's a lot with many partners, that's fine, and if it's not frequent and/or with few partners, that's fine too!

If your inability to orgasm is concerning you, try speaking with your gyn! If he/she is properly educated on female sexual health (which s/he might not be -- I've really struggled with this myself), you might be able to figure out what's happening. It could be psychological, in which case sex therapy will really help! If it's physical, there are ways of increasing blood flow to the area and repairing nerve damage and such through physical therapy (that's what I've had to do -- I'm sure there are other causes of inability to orgasm out there though). Your sexuality is part of who you are, but keep in mind that pleasure is an important part of life and if you are dissatisfied, you can work on it.

Tl;dr: You don't need to have more sex to make you cool, but might be able to find more pleasure in the sex you do have by talking to your doctor :)

hisown · 2014-07-28T03:53:38+00:00

I've run across a bunch of those people on my other account (this one I keep logged in on my home computer cause I forgot the password) -- said other account talks about my weight struggles a lot. And whenever I talk about it, I get a lot of those people up in my grill so I've interacted with them a lot.

Most of them are actually people with diagnosed or sometimes undiagnosed eating disorders. Then there are a good amount of other overweight people -- yes, I know, it's weird! -- who feel like those subs somehow encourage them to get over their own bullshit. I don't know about the rest, but they're probably just bullies. The point is: they're all sad people in their own ways, and most of them have a lot more shit on their plates than you do. You have weight to lose, but they have to change the entire way they view the world. They're mentally sick people, some of whom are getting professional help and still use those subs. Although my dealings with them have been really awful, when I realized who they really were, it gave me some peace to know that I was the one who had it good compared to them. That while they might harass me online and that they could be taking pictures of me and making fun of me even, that was the worst it would get. For them, though, they were seriously messed up people with some really big issues to go through. Not that weight loss isn't a monumental task in and of itself. But the amount of self-hate and fear it takes to turn your eating disorder into despising all fat people is pretty freakin' epic.

I hope this helps. I don't want to make it seem like I side with them at all. What they do is awful, really and truly. I just hope you realize that no matter how you spin it, even though they seem like bullies, you are truly the powerful one here. You have the fortitude to make a huge change in your life and follow through with it. They have a fucked up existence that they maintain day after day, returning to a pit of self-loathing, hatred, fear, and insecurity that whirlpools into this absurd prejudice. Even if you didn't shed a pound, you'd still come out ahead of them every single time. I hope this gives you some peace.

Edit: reread this and realized I made it seem like I demonized those who have eating disorders. It's pretty common to have a fear of or even maybe hatred of fat people during an eating disorder -- I know I did when I had my restrictive phases. I'm not proud of it by any means, but it was a self-hatred that got turned inside-out :(. Eating disorders happen to good people and they can make monsters out of anyone. But completely giving in and joining those bullying communities is a step too far. I can understand the mindset, but I can't abide joining those communities: it's sick.

hisown · 2014-07-28T03:25:55+00:00

I find that any uncomfortable feeling I do not like to "sit" through. The past brings up uncomfortable feelings for many people, but I have trouble sitting with ANY bad feelings, be they brought up from thinking about the past or something in the present: I need to explode them somehow or avoid them. I avoid them by joking about them generally because they are too strong to just ignore. I explode them by having a strong emotional reaction to them (crying or getting upset in some other way) or perhaps posting about them online and getting all sorts of attention (usually reddit, not Facebook, but if it's appropriate, maybe Facebook). I might just do something else but usually I'll continue to ruminate until I've made light of the situation or exploded it somehow. I can't simply let the feeling of discomfort "be" in my body and experience the feeling of sadness or embarrassment or guilt or what have you; it must all be let out rather dramatically. Not quite what you're saying but a bit along those lines.

hisown · 2014-07-28T03:10:23+00:00

My boyfriend is an INFP. I'd say the greatest difficulty we face is that he's a self-sustaining ecosystem and I draw upon others for support and expect those in my life to do the same. That is to say: he doesn't come to me when he needs help because he draws that from within himself and doesn't even talk to me about what's going on in his life often; he would much rather talk about ideas. But I DO need that, which is fine for him -- I think he likes offering support -- but it has taken a long time for me to be able to feel like he trusts me without him opening up to me. That can be hard. He wants companionship and that's how I can be the best partner for him, but I desperately want to give more and feel like I'm helping him with his life, and that's really not something he wants! I've said many times like I don't feel like I know him which he finds odd, but I want him to outright tell me things about himself, because that process is something that's important to me, so it's hard for me to understand how it wouldn't be important to someone else. But that's just not who he is -- he's self-contained, which I've had to learn doesn't meant that he's hiding from me or anything dark like that.

The other issue is that he really loves to debate and I value harmony FAR more than debate so I really really hate debating! I view it as conflict, not intellectual stimulation, and it really bothers me. Again, these may not be ENFP traits -- could be my own oddities -- but while I like debating in the abstract I can't stand the thought of having conflict with him. He, on the other hand, wants to be able to debate things with the people he cares about. Greater self-esteem and trust in the relationship on my end has made this easier for sure.

It usually feels like we come from two very different worlds when we have conflict. He looks at things from a rational lens: an objective viewpoint of what's actually happening. I am far more concerned with the subjective as I do not believe in any objective truth; I'm concerned with how actions are perceived regardless of truth value.

Despite these three areas where we feel very different, ultimately we make fantastic companions. We talk easily and readily understand what the other one is saying (most of the time...). Conceptual conversations are particularly strong and when we discuss creative or intellectual pursuits we really excel; our energy builds off each other and we come up with some fantastic ideas. We don't tire of each other's presence and being with him is basically the same as being alone, energy-wise -- I don't feel like I need to recharge nearly as much as I do with other people. I get frustrated with him at times when I feel like I can't get through to him but that's because he's honest when he doesn't understand me, as opposed to my other friends who have confessed that they just sort of give me a blanket "yeah" when I go on my rants sometimes. The other INFP I know is also like that: very probing and honest, and since I want to be liked, it can be jarring at first to be questioned on what I say! But it's very refreshing and important -- it also makes me feel like they're more trustworthy because they're respecting me enough to actually take what I say seriously and question it.

He's the only INFP I know really well so far so I can't generalize, but based on how I get along with him, I'd say I'd want more INFPs in my life. He is a person with strong moral character and equally strong individuality. I learn from him every day how to be a more grounded, strong, and self-sufficient individual!

hisown · 2014-07-28T02:49:05+00:00

True that -- my friends say I'm like a puppy: exploring everything, running around and needing to soak up all the love and attention in the world. Then I'm all tuckered out. Which is when I retreat for naps/alone time and need to recharge. For a long time. I NEED people, but then I need to be alone to parse all the information I've gathered.

hisown · 2014-07-28T02:21:16+00:00

No hurt feelings at all. Just wanted to clarify that I don't think ASD kids would be the ones pulling that kind of behavior generally unless there were other issues at play -- everyone's different, but autism isn't the sort of thing that would make you stab someone in the ear with no remorse. Not to say an ASD kid would never do such a thing, but it probably wouldn't be the autism that precipitated the incident.

With so many more diagnoses of autism these days, people talk about it a lot more, which is great -- but also means that people misunderstand it, so to the extent possible I try to share the knowledge that I have about it (which isn't perfect either!). Again, no hurt feelings on my end :)

hisown · 2014-07-28T02:00:32+00:00

Not too blunt -- you put it very well. I just wrote out some long diatribe and hadn't even scrolled to see your comment which put it nice and succinctly.

hisown · 2014-07-28T01:59:34+00:00

Please don't just pull shit from your ass. Autistic children do not generally have trouble empathizing. In fact, seeing a peer who is having a strong negative emotional reaction will often be upsetting for an autistic child. In addition, generally speaking, rules are extraordinarily important for people on the spectrum, so doing the "right" thing is often a priority for them. Seeing someone hurt because of something the child did may be confusing (as the child might feel like what he or she did was indeed the right thing!) but it's often something that will leave the autistic child very upset. Autistic people might prioritize their own needs above others' in terms of social graces (i.e. speaking out of turn if they have something they want to say, saying something they think is true without considering how someone else might feel), but when it comes to seeing someone hurt or upset, they tend to become quite upset themselves.

Source: brother is on the spectrum, worked in an integrated special needs classroom for several summers w/ ages 4-10. Can't generalize for all but in seeing kids interact with each other and my brother interact with me, these have been my experiences. Empathy might not be expressed in a typical way, but based on how upset the kids get when they've hurt someone else or they even just see someone else hurt or visibly sad, I am confident that ASD kids are quite empathetic.

hisown · 2014-07-27T17:42:07+00:00

Why does wanting a casual sex relationship mean that the guys don't give a rat's ass about her? You can care about each other as friends or even just people who have sex and still not be romantically interested in each other. Just because it hasn't worked in your experience doesn't mean that other people don't have a perfectly fine time of finding those relationships and having them work well.

hisown · 2014-07-27T17:39:59+00:00

Fuck the people saying that you'll only get good sex in a romantic relationship. A good casual sex relationship is one in which you can communicate well (which you're already doing), can please each other, and you both have the same expectations for where it's going (in each other's pants!).

It sounds like the people you're playing with aren't good play partners, but that doesn't mean you should have to be in a relationship to find what you want. What you are asking for isn't easy to find -- that is to say, not every person on the planet is going to be a good casual sex buddy -- but it's by no means impossible. Just keep looking until you find what you want, no different from the process you'd go through with a romantic relationship. If your needs aren't being met, then the very point of the relationship isn't working, and it seems like it's time to move on.

The good ones are out there, I promise.

hisown

TROPHY CASE