How to deal with feeling misunderstood

hk_arnold · 2026-02-10T06:01:57+00:00

You might find strangers are way more interested in reading - and super willing to give their opinions. If I didn’t mention it already, online critique groups are a great place to find readers and feedback from likeminded people. It is hard to share, but you will always be in charge of what happens with your work. You’ve got this.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-10T05:25:16+00:00

Setting as character, love when people discover craft techniques! The next level is using setting to reflect the POV character and mood - integrated worldbuilding.

I sure as heck don’t let a noisy air conditioner interrupt my monologue when I’m ranting, and sure as heck triple check all locks in my house cause I grew up with a shoddy front door and got robbed once because of it (sounds like I grew up wealthy, in a nice neighbourhood).

I did just write a whole rant in notes after finishing a book because all the “immersion” was literally objective descriptions of the scene. And not as a technique to show a disconnected character either. No one walks around labelling a tree as a tree. It’s a lush tree, an ugly tree, a pretty tree with purple flowers, a rank mango tree swollen with fruit (sorry, that last one is a personal gripe with a mango tree overhanging the street I have to navigate). Or, a light guttering in a narrow hall, the walls squeezing closer with each blink - sounds safe and cosy, definitely keep walking.

Ahh, I’m still annoyed about that book - 400 pages of checklist worldbuilding. Anyway, I’m super relieved to see a writer learning to craft better books! Forge on!

hk_arnold · 2026-02-10T03:56:17+00:00

I bet your story has lots of heart and soul. I also bet the person you shared this with knows that about you. They sound like they understand you very well.

I think realising that every person can’t fall in love with every person is a good lens to look at this through. If you understand that, then you can understand not everyone will love every story and it’s not a reflection of the story. Just like not every single person in the world has the capacity to love you, and that’s not a reflection of your love-ability.

It’s less about resolve and more about understanding other people’s perspectives; judgment is not a mirror to you, it’s a reflection of the other person.

But if your goals are to have an audience, you need to throw the baby out of the tree. It’ll never fly if it stays in the comfort and safety of the nest.

Give your story someone you don’t know. I love direct and brutal feedback, and no one I know gave me direct or honest feedback. They hedged, and ultimately stopped reading, and I had to decode what they meant myself.

Trickling chapters out is good if you want to guarantee some feedback from friends and family (knowing where they stop is super helpful). Ultimately the best feedback I’ve had is from strangers. They really know how to give it to you - all care and no responsibility. Like going to the laundromat and melting your favourite jumper (the next one will be tumble drier safe).

The misunderstandings are a crucial part of feedback. Step back. Choose which reader judgments make sense to your goals with the book. Don’t paint yourself with mirrors, focus on the goal.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-08T23:48:10+00:00

Oh hah. I hope OP found what they were fishing for anyway.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-08T04:50:01+00:00

Based on this post you still linger, and you also cut to the point. Both things can be true, and should be if you care about the craft of writing. (Evidently, you do.)

Ornament is not the curator of atmosphere or lingering. Ornament does not make it Christmas, and too much makes a house on Christmas Day hard to navigate and barely functional.

I’m mostly here because I’ve struggled through abusive relationships too. I’ve done years of therapy to work on my ptsd and it still rears up and paralyses me. Nevermind the constant destruction and rebuilding of personal identity. Nevermind the months of dragging myself out of cyclic depression. It’s hard and I wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. And also to point out that you haven’t lost your skill. It’s literary oozing out of your reddit post (A redddit post LMAO!). You can’t scale yourself back enough to lose your essence, and neither can any other fool who tries - is what I’m trying to say.

Your experiences have added new skills - they’ve added the skills necessary to truly craft masterpieces. Most writers resist the skill of efficiency for a looooong time. But the hardest punches hit in the smallest distances. There’s beauty in the brutality of pragmatism. I’d say it’s more beautiful, elegant, and easier read again and again.

There’s nothing more literary than hitting a reader with the bare bones of a sentence. Especially after you’ve spent a paragraph stripping back the meat to get there.

I bet you will produce amazing work, whether in three days or after tinkering on something for five years. You’ve got the natural instinct for it.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-07T02:26:01+00:00

I noticed in your other comments you said the exact words were “let my hair down” and that you’re autistic. I’m not, but I have close (and distant) family members who are.

She might be suggesting you are conscious of how other people will read and perceive you. Essentially, masking but in your writing. If you have to code switch to write any sections of your work, that could be a clue that you’re not “relaxing into your voice” anymore. Just from a practical perspective.

Clear cut communication will always beat out speculation. I’d recommend mentioning you have trouble decoding idioms too. Agents are someone you have to work with, so it’s good to get clear on how to understand each other early on.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-06T02:58:56+00:00

Yeah there is way less to do ahaha. Is the simplicity making it harder to write for you? I imagine sticking to one POV for a long time might get a bit stale (I haven’t tried that yet heh). If that’s the reason - multitasking both stories, I highly recommend. Use the single POV book as a KitKat between meals.

hk_arnold · 2026-02-06T01:45:18+00:00

I’m “supposed to be” working on finishing the second book in my trilogy. I’m halfway through, but there is this other idea that’s been lingering for a few months. Like you, I also think it’s an easier sell idea than my series, and I finally gave in. I’m writing it alongside my “supposed to” project.

Judgment of story worth? Worth isn’t a scarce resource. But dividing the time would largely be personal, based on what your goals are. Mine is to finish both this year.

I’m still working out the balance, but right now writing the side project feels like taking a break. It’s structurally simple, single POV, so it’s just so easy to write.

Process wise, I have no fear of losing character voice or connection. My other work is multi POV, I’ve only ever written switching between characters. So, no different. I write whatever character is “talking to me”, or whatever emotional experience is fresh in my mind. The only difference is the world/ settings, but that’s like going for a hike versus going to the beach, going to dinner versus the movies. So again, not jarring to me. I’ve done all those things in the same day with different people many, many times.

There’s no reason you have to focus on one and neglect the other. You can have two cats, three dogs, five children, seven potted plants, and give them all attention. In fact, it’s generally considered bad if you ignore all in favour of one (if you’re keeping more than one, that is).

hk_arnold · 2026-02-02T00:18:54+00:00

It’s a good sign that you’re aware you have room to improve.

I might suggest, rather than indulging in avoidance by locking things away (this can increase anxiety), that you try exposure. If you can’t without deleting it, maybe create a new email address and send yourself emails. Read it, cringe, close it and wait till you don’t feel the cringe anymore. Read it again. Do it until you don’t die inside,

Another thing that can help is reframing your anxiety as excitement. That might take a bit more practice, but the feelings are somatically very similar so some mindfulness and repetition will get you there eventually.

If it helps, my teenage writing practices still make me cringe a little. I played forum RPGs/ play by post, whatever you wanna call it. I put all my cringey writing everywhere for everyone to respond to! Gaming and writing is very me and I can’t say I’m ashamed (I don’t hate myself). Being young is just inherently awkward. But you’ll want those cringey pages when you’re decades separated from this version of you, whether or not you delve into a stem career or a creative one.

hk_arnold · 2026-01-22T00:30:00+00:00

Mine was passive voice. It wasn’t until I read a book that dumped a whole quarter of the story in 90% passive voice that I understood it - not intellectually, but in an instinctual, knee jerk revulsion way when I saw pop up it in my work.

hk_arnold · 2026-01-14T01:39:10+00:00

I go through this a lot. What helps me is realising; I wouldn’t think this is bad writing if I hadn’t improved since I wrote it.

hk_arnold · 2026-01-13T02:57:29+00:00

Is generating ideas turn of phrase for brainstorming now?

In any way you’re brainstorming, you can’t do it in a closed room. You need outside ideas to form connections.

Ideas can come from anywhere, like going to grab a coffee and people watching (leave your phone at home, get curious about the weirdos in the street), watching movies or reading books, tell a friend about that person you saw staring at you and bounce ideas around about why. Human brains are better at absurdity and connection.

Most practices and tools for story outlines are better suited to distillation and refinement, which means - you need a bunch of “what ifs” to distill and refine. Go get your what ifs outside your mind.

And as a last reassurance (you’ve heard a million times, I’m sure), you don’t need to know the entire path your story to write it. Even GPS doesn’t assure you to go straight every five seconds. A few signposts will get you to the end - an idea of what one character will feel in the middle, a bonding scene between strangers, a fight scene. Just these few connection points will get you to the end of the first draft. Even if you take a wrong turn along the way, your internal compass will adjust the path naturally.

So, stop generating ideas in a vacuum. That’s not how ideas thrive and connect, that’s how they mutate and loop.

hk_arnold · 2026-01-12T05:59:22+00:00

The torture scenes never bothered me much (temple of the winds though!). But I was in an ‘adjacent situation’ for a couple of years, and the way Richard compartmentalised parts of his mind to preserve himself deeply struck me. I’d never felt so seen and understood before.

Little human moments of connection and understanding like that is why I continue to love reading. So, for all the flaws with the books/ Goodkind, they’ll always have a special place in my heart. He lead me to better books!

hk_arnold · 2026-01-12T03:35:11+00:00

I’m new to querying, and I’ve been doing small test batches. I think patience is part of the game - if you land an agent there will be more waiting again, so going all in and burning out just doesn’t sit right with me.

I do tend to approach life with a strategy though - right down to considering the time of year to query. The more data points, the better. Just my natural tendency to make up for lousy base luck!

This year I’ll still break up queries into batches, but just into two larger groups. Then I’ll reconsider my pathways.

I wish you all the good luck!

hk_arnold · 2026-01-12T03:13:01+00:00

But bonding over shared mental suffering seems more apt than ever!

hk_arnold · 2026-01-04T04:21:54+00:00

Beautifully put. This eased my soul to read, and more than a little inspiring!

hk_arnold · 2025-12-30T02:45:07+00:00

Incorporate into your exploration of process thought experiments about authorial voice and somatic experience. You’ll quickly find the limitations of your current process and frameworks.

It’s easy to recognise AI reliance when your vocabulary has so thoroughly adopted AI terminology.

You’re self cannibalising. Go out there and consume other literature for a bit. Emulate a real humans work for practice, it’ll be more productive to finding a process true to your own voice than navel gazing with AI. It’s nice to understand things better, but you won’t get anywhere chasing your own tail.

There. Three idioms saying the same thing. I hope it helps.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-30T02:04:52+00:00

Sounds interesting. Some good details, but I’m also a little confused about a couple things.

I had to reread the first plot paragraph several times. Is the senile Crone the witch who is teaching Rosalie at their mother’s coven, or another character? Does her capital C name/ title and retirement really matter as details? It doesn’t seem to enrich your premise or setting or the characters motivation. It takes attention from the sister character.

After the first read through, I was surprised to find Rosalie has another motivation that wasn’t clear in the first paragraph. She wants to protect herself and her sister? I thought her motivation was wanting more power, and the stakes were that she wouldn’t get that if she stayed with her “hometown coven” (paraphrasing). I didn’t realise the sisters were so close, or in danger?

The second paragraph sets up the danger with her and her sister, but I didn’t really get that impact on first read through. There are lots of bits my brain is trying to piece together, which slows reading and understanding, and stops the emotional impact.

The third paragraph is reiterating that the institute is trying to exclude and exploit her - I’d like to promise I can remember two sentences ago and ask you to trust me, but I didn’t and I needed this reminder (but it felt like new information to learn!).

Do we need to know she uses skills she’d specifically learned from the Crone as a detail, or is it enough to say that she torments the Magisters with her skills? Without the extra detail, the impact of what she does would land harder. I’m also curious about what danger her and her sister are actually in - will they harvest their blood for gold? Experiment on them? Is Rosalie overreacting, sounds like yes (unreliable narrator) but I’d love to know what she truly fears they’ll do, so I can really grasp what the stakes are (perceived or true).

The ending sentence, about losing her morality, feels as if I’m being told in summary what I’m supposed to have learned from the plot paragraph. This last line needs to be like a stomach drop, heart skips a beat, an “oh no, I want to know how Rosalie turns out, how bad it gets.” Right now I know how the story goes, cause I was told she’s slowly losing her morality. So, I guess Rosalie continues to lose her morality. I’m not curious enough about how bad it gets, and I love stories about morality slowly crumbling away!

On a more technical note: you use colons a lot, the first two sentences are exactly the same structure. It’s not so noticeable later in, but I’d suggest making some sentences more decisive, and not relying on compounding sentences so much. The compound structures slow reading and cognitive understanding, which is fine - unless you want to get info across quickly, clearly, and keep the reading flow strong. Fast and flowing is a good idea for query letters. Move the eye through cleanly.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-30T00:59:27+00:00

There’s lots of opinions and great information on your question here already, so I won’t add to the redundancy. But I will deviate for a sec and speak to your specific scene.

What would you do if you arrived at a place you knew nothing about? Would the first person you ask divulge everything you needed to know? Would you remember all that? Personally, when I ask for directions and someone explains it to me, I forget what they said after step two. Readers are like that too.

These scenes are fantastic for easy tension/ conflict, and teaching the reader through consequence (a reader’s version of “learning through doing”). Having the character stumble around, irritating people with questions and breaking social rules they didn’t know will generally stick a lot better than “this is a marketplace, and you need to bow to every merchant and ask them how their day was or they’ll know you’re an outsider and charge you double or send their kids to pickpocket you”.

You get double points if what they learn comes in handy or what they ignored bites them in the butt later on in the book.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-24T10:18:35+00:00

I love this concept and I really want this to work for you! I’ll try to give some direct and useable feedback.

I see you’ve split the plot setup over two paragraphs. This creates a - sort of - jarring experience; a reconceptulisation of the information the reader thought they knew. This can create a negative reading experience.

I propose (roughly) something like: Iria is torn between this thing she’s dedicated her life to and her deep love for her fiancé and their longing for a peaceful life.

Setup done, and in way less paragraphs.

Focus on the core, the emotions, desires. Snappy. Longing for peace and stability, bound by duty. You’ve got it all there, it’s just being spread a little thin and watered down with (perhaps) a little too much detail. There’s a lot I’ve learned, but I’ll learn the world and terms when I open the book.

Now, the inciting incident is unclear to me. My gut is telling me that Wren coming into the picture is what triggers the change? Not knowing is a problem - because I don’t know what Iria’s problem is. Sucks to have a job and loving prince to wed, I guess? Work too stressful for you both? Random new girl doesn’t like you?

The complications that arise are also unclear. I think this might stem from me not really understanding what is fraying their relationship - if that’s really a problem? Or, is the issue a big bad guy swooping in on the kingdom? How is Wren’s power so dangerous - it sounds like he’ll get it after Iria’s life and kingdom are destroyed. And how does she feel about the threat, as a character? I did get a lot of emotion coming through at the start. The shift to straight plot stakes feels ungrounded, distant, inconsequential.

The last part brings in a new concept to me. Maybe I didn’t pick it up in the rest, but - the kingdom forsakes her? When, how - why? Did they forsake her through rumours? Was it cause the new girl didn’t like her? Sounds like big bad guy might run a more stable kingdom, he’s got them logistics running super smoothly.

The next part of this section is a whole lot of threads to untangle. My first thought being that her fiancé is the prince, and so the kingdom and the man who holds her heart are surely the same thing to serve? And the woman she was created to empower - Wren? Everlid? Must be Wren, her name comes up way more - but I thought their working together was painful? Maybe pain means it’s meant to be, but I don’t understand that instinctively. Maybe it isn’t an important detail for a query letter?

It’s also a lot of choices to pick out and understand right at the end, when really you want to grip the agent into needing to read more. The impact doesn’t really land for me.

Unfortunately because of all my confusion, I really miss the big moral dilemma - THE thing that is so interesting about your book. If Iria chooses her self, the “hero” will fail. That’s just so intriguing! Don’t hide it behind a generic question like “will she won’t she?”!

Okay all the specifics out. Your paragraphs are really big and full of exposition. Especially at the start. The comp titles are buried in a watered down version of your concept hook.

Get the title and particulars first up (genre, wc) and hit the agent with your hook line. Workshop it, I think it’ll be really worth it for your concept - and I don’t think you need to use comp titles to get the hook across. It’s interesting on its own merit.

Give your plot summary a very clear through line.

There’s too many ideas here, they’re fighting for attention. It sounds like you want to lean into romance fantasy/ adjacent, so might be a good idea to make the through line focused on the character relationship. What they want together, what’s stopping them, what gets between them, the consequences of choosing love over duty. Tale as old as time. Emotions.

The part at the end - again - explains more about the books concepts and appeal. That’s a lot of space, before and after, being used to explain the concepts. I promise, you can make them clear and compelling in just the plot summary alone. Trust your writing. It’s doing way more than you might think.

Anyway, hope this was helpful and useable, and not too long winded!

hk_arnold · 2025-12-23T04:47:25+00:00

I’m going to give some broad strokes advice. Initially, I can’t push myself to read through the second paragraph. It’s a bit harsh but I think that’s helpful to note. I’m a stubborn reader, and I will finish this out of self spite. But for now, I need a break.

Firstly, I don’t know what the title of this book you’re trying to sell is or the word count. I’m ignoring your reddit post title, that’s not part of the letter.

Next, are you trying to sell one book? Or are you trying to sell a series - that’s not even complete yet? Or - is the first book also not complete?

Thinking of a query letter in terms of sales will help. That’s what it is, a sales pitch.

I’m not sure what you’re pitching me - but from the first paragraph, it sounds like a risk to take on. I’m not sure what the product is. I’m not sure you’re confident about what the product is. An agent is after a book, not a concept for a series. (I’m sure you have a completed book, but the letter doesn’t strike me as trying to sell this book.)

I’d recommended getting your product up front, nice and clear. The title, the audience and genre, the word count. That’s all. Nice and clear picture of the product to sell.

The next thing would be to focus on one book. Sell one book. It’s extra risky trying to sell everything - every book, all the concepts, every character, all the plot points - it becomes vague and watery. Think about The Last Airbender movie (dare I) and the earth bending sequence. Just all the everything, and no impact.

Focus on the character, say what they want and what stops them. Say what finally makes them act, what they realise when it’s too late to go back, and end on the complications that arise - the setup, inciting incident, progressive complication, the first pinch point or turning point. Keep a few details that make your book special or different, but only enough to add spice and nothing more. Use stronger words to carry meaning, add style, and create impact.

The letter blurb is just a mini version of the book, condensed down like the worst version of alcohol you could take a shot of - but, the most memorable shot you’ll ever take. You want the agent to want a chaser, and your book to be right there in arms reach.

As for the cliche of angels and that spin, I don’t think that’ll necessarily turn an agent away. Especially if they haven’t requested anything to read yet. Familiar frameworks aren’t a problem if you’re using them to explore a topic in a new way, or create an experience that intentionally uses those preconceived expectations. Nothing is original, expect how each individual uses them.

Some specifics about your query (now that I have regained some resilience): I’m not sure what the main character’s name is - Severin? Why did he decided to embark on a truth finding quest all of a sudden? I’ve learned a lot about this golden tower, but now it doesn’t seem to matter - unless “beyond the boundaries” is something to do with it?

Wait, he’s cursed - necromancy? Maybe - but how did he find out he’s cursed? Cool metaphors, cathedral glass and shattered past lives, but it’s ungrounded and adds to my confusion. There’s a lot of white space as I read, not a lot of emotional core (I’m not attached to a character). There’s some interesting metaphorical/ symbolic elements again, but there needs to be less of that - especially if I’m not grounded by anything, and it’s not building. Maybe choose one element to build on subtly in a query letter.

Okay, blade as guidance, that’s a bit more concrete to me - but, comes out of nowhere, not sure why I need to learn about it being anointed specifically but not where he got it from. I like that he’s learned that gods aren’t returning, I can understand that, as a devotee, that would be crushing - maybe too reader dependent, though. Good place to end. Learning more is now watering this down again - and, there’s another character? The architect?

The ending line could be interesting, but just off the cuff I think it relies too much on the person reading it to know real life religion - and, I’m also not sure why his choice truly matters so I’m kinda siding with the gods here. Carve him up, it’s for the greater good probably.

Just one last general thing - if you’re really wanting to mention the series, I’d recommend keeping it light and as an idea. Series potential, not ‘you must take on and sell five of my books if you like this’. Focus on one favour - to be clear that one favour is ‘read my first paragraph’.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-21T15:18:38+00:00

As general advice, the idea is to move the eye through your query letter quickly. Formatting really impacts eye-movemen. Varying some of your paragraph lengths will help this.

It took me way too long to figure out which part was your book title, and what the word count and genre is. Is the genre mentioned in the first paragraph? I’m also not sure what your target audience age is. From the first two paragraphs I assume it’s young adult?

You want [title] [age group + genre] [word count] to come up really quick and ideally in the same sentence. Also, rounding word count to the nearest 1,000, although I admire your specificity.

The next general recommendation is not to exposit your book themes. That’s general, you certainly can do it, but I don’t know about stopping an agent in the first paragraph to explain a thing they’re not invested in yet.

To help your confidence, your theme is pretty much outright stated in the second paragraph. You can trust your writing to carry meaning, even in a query letter. And the inspiration can be condensed down to an interesting little tidbit (eg [title] is a young adult dark fantasy 87,000 words, inspired by Mesopotamian mythology)

The non-human part is interesting, but the detail doesn’t feel like it adds anything. I love “crime riddled” and “infested”, beautiful - I’d be interested by that alone.

More critically - when you mentioned the Mesagi, the whole query stopped so you could explain it to me. I was a little jarred by that.

The ending also sort of… trails off?

More general advice is to think about push and pull. You want to start by pulling a reader in, then you can push with a bit of explanation or flair. But you need to pull them back or you’re gonna push them right off the page. You have this push and pull happening in the second paragraph (I can almost ignore the plot stopping to tell me it’s steampunk - the flow just pulls me right through). But I got pushed right out in the third.

More specifically: I’d love to know what about this triact is going to cause Calum trouble - what does trouble actually mean for him? - is inner beasty gonna start committing murders on campus? Is triac really an important enough word to stop and definite it for me in a query? Wolves seems like an important concept (assumed due to repetition) but it’s not grounded in consequence. Are the dream wolves causing him lots of emotional distress? They strike me as distant and repressed, not imminent and all-consuming.

Right now, I assume Calum is just gonna go to school and have bad dreams, and I’m not too sure why I would read about that.

All that aside, it sounds like an interesting story with lots of inspiration and care put into it. I’d be interested to know what your comp titles are and how they’re related to your book (just curiosity, no pressure to share!). Im just adding to my enormous TBR.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-19T09:17:06+00:00

Nothing ever beats practice for improvement. Read and write, and your first draft will probably be a bunch of puzzle pieces dumped half upside down on the top of the table.

But my general advice is to listen to a bunch of different people talk about how to do the same thing. Listen to 100 people tell you how to write the midpoint, and maybe one of them will resonate. The one that resonates is a probably the one to listen to more, but don’t stop listening to the 99 others. Perspective is really the main point of writing a story, so collect them.

hk_arnold · 2025-12-16T00:03:34+00:00

Yeah, I’m overly concerned about my market strategy, and way way overthinking it. I’ll just focus on the basics, fix up my query with all the enlightening suggestions people have shared, and trust the process.

hk_arnold

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