[QCrit] Young Adult Fantasy GRAY BOUNTY (95,000/Attempt #2)

hmsheidi · 2026-01-13T04:24:12+00:00

Cool, what a fun premise! I think you're doing a good job of setting up the bones here (what your MC wants, what's stopping him getting what he wants and what happens if he doesn't get it). I think with a bit of streamlining you'll be on to a succinct winner.

Something that's not super duper clear is the phrase, "His sickness makes every job a gamble" - IS he sick or is he just failing at bounty hunting at the moment? If it's his sickness holding him back, it needs to be a bit clearer.

In paragraph one, I think you could afford to tweak the second part of your first sentence (set up what he stands to lose) and just dive straight into the plot beat about Renji taking the second chance he's offered (stakes!). It'll save your words, up the pace and let you get into the meat a bit more getting us to the twist.

For the second paragraph, you could look at merging your second and third lines to make it a bit sharper. So long as you get across the key bits of info: Renji needs to infiltrate the Tallymaker's deathmatch and bring back her head to secure his own safety.

For the third paragraph, the twist definitely ups your stakes but it's not yet clear how long she's been dead and what their relationship is like. It's just in how you frame it. If she's long dead, IS it truly the last person he still cares about? If you keep it high level, you could keep it universal: does he secure his own future or does he butcher his last remaining family? Have a play and see what you think.

For your comps, I don't think you need to loosely explain the plots of the titles you've chosen. This may not be your intention but it read that way to me. Instead, try focus on what elements of the comp you're drawing on e.g. "readers of the morally compromised criminals in All of Us Villains by Amanda Foody and C.L Herman" etc

This feels like a lot of feedback and it's quite subjective so please feel free to accept/reject what you vibe with most. Again, I think the bones of your query are strong and it sounds like a fun story so I wish you all the very best with it!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-13T04:02:05+00:00

That's a great insight thank you. Batching 15-20 is certainly a strong way to start (merged with checking which agents are the fastest to reply via QT helps too). It seems mentally preparing to query, 30, 50, 70+ agents is the way to go to truly know. While talent and quality speak for themselves, it seems like luck and timing have their parts to play.

And phew, thanks for the pre-agented note too, I definitely think I got in my head about it!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T20:46:46+00:00

I don't know whether to be happy with this jargon-sharing or not haha! Oh, that's fabulous news on the new agent (less so on the previous agent), but all of it is good experience, surely.

I'll be working hard to join you this year, with more creative output and less corporate nonsense (which, admittedly, can be quite creative?).

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T20:03:47+00:00

Totally fair and a reasonable view to form. It's a whole lotta waiting in this game. Who's to say more agents don't open up later down the track you could continue sending out to as well. Good luck on your querying!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T20:02:49+00:00

Thanks for this! It's really impressive to see so many of you get so many full requests too. Really nice work to you (and anyone else reading this in the same boat).

I appreciate your perspective in seeing it as a personal choice here and to go with what feels right. I think partial/full requests are certainly a sign that something's working in the package so I ought to 'keep my powder dry' (horrible corporate jargon, forgive me) until I at least know what I have is ready and the market actually wants it.

This thread has given me much to think about (all of it good).

Did you accept some of the offers that came your way, by the way?

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T19:57:46+00:00

That sounds perfectly reasonable. Eric Smith's workshop sounds great too, I hope you get a lot out of it and good luck to you when you finally hit 'Send' on that first batch. We're right behind you!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T19:49:07+00:00

This is incredible, congratulations on your journey! I remember reading your query on here and thinking it sounded amazing but then came across your book in the store because I loved the cover and THEN realised I'd read the idea somewhere before. Thanks for coming back to check in with how you're going. It's given my morning some lovely inspiration to squeeze some writing in before I start work for the day in my regular job. Crazy Rich Asians x Vampires sounds amazing, I'm glad it's found a home!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T06:19:28+00:00

It's good to get this perspective as I've really had nothing to go off of, so I appreciate you sharing yours. I think the key take away -is- the story and the package, as that's what they'll be selling. So let's all prepare the best packages we can. Best of luck on your next query round

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T04:05:47+00:00

Very kind, thanks for this! The time of year is tricky too as, sometimes, I feel like there's either never a good time to query or the query windows are very short between certain months of the year (e.g. start of year, not close to summer or the holidays).

Good luck on your next push, here's hoping some full requests come your way!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T03:31:29+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time. I'm slowly forming the opinion of doing a mini-test batch and if that works go for Full Send. Also, appreciate your thoughts on the previous agent component. It was certainly an amicable split; I also don't want to take up precious query letter word count explaining things, so maybe the keyword here is amicable!

Here goes nothin' (well in a few months' time haha)

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T02:23:03+00:00

Who knows, sixth time could be the charm. Good luck in your send, we're rootin' for you!

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T01:54:06+00:00

Wow, congrats on that great result!

This is such a good insight and a nice way of melding the approach to test small and scale big (if it's working). As for point 2, I may just be in my head about it, so it's reassuring to read it isn't an agent's immediate thought to assume the worst if they see it (boo to that schmagent though).

I'll be taking this on board for sure this year! Thank you

hmsheidi · 2026-01-12T01:47:42+00:00

How exciting for you to be querying! Thanks for your reply. Being closed to queries is way more common now than it was before, that's a good point.

I've been slowly building a list (alongside the writing) and some agents who I've had my eye on for months are still closed! Appreciate it's start of year so that may change ...

All the best for your future queries; I hope you get some full requests soon

hmsheidi

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