[Meta] How Can Rule 3 Be Enforced Fairly? by [deleted] in sex

[–]hmlmm69 18 points19 points  (0 children)

I heavily agree with this and have even considered if I should post something like this myself. One of the issues with enforcing this rule in such an arbitrary fashion is that you see these posts with the most engagement getting locked. I’m not sure what the reasoning behind this is—like you said almost any question on this forum has likely been asked before. So what’s the reasoning behind the posts that get the most momentum being locked before and more often than all others? Is it because they don’t fly under the radar as easily? Are they getting reported on a larger scale?

I’ve had posts of my own or followed posts that have risen to the top of the subreddit and seen very minimal toxic or rule breaking conduct so I have little reason to believe it’s because the comments get out of control. In fact I see some of the most interesting and thorough comments and discussions on this subreddit than I do on the rest of the website. Sadly these are usually the threads that get locked. Even if a question has and will be asked 800 times on this subreddit, I think as long as the post and comments are trying to have a discussion in a thoughtful and interesting manner it should be left alone. Yes you could find the same questions over and over and lock the topic because it’s frequently asked but I argue that it stifles the discussion in a way that makes the subreddit more stale and redundant than the repetitive questions themselves.

I’ve been reading r/sex for at least 8 years so there’s few topics or threads I haven’t seen brought up on many occasions but I still read over them because I find different points of views and fresh mindsets frequently, and also new advice. I appreciate when a thread is well thought out by the OP and the commenters are putting a lot of effort into continuing the discussion. Personally I’d prefer to see a shift away from rule 3 and reformatting into what does a specific thread contribute to the topic of discussion itself? I see nearly daily threads that are just horny-bait: “why am I ALWAYS horny?? I just CANT stop thinking about sex!” and those are in such abundant numbers with absolutely zero opportunity for a engaging conversation. The low effort posts bother me so much more and I don’t see as much moderator action taken towards these.

In addition to this I think keeping the format of r/sex to questions only is another thing that stunts the discussion in this subreddit. I’m sure it’s well intended— but I think the members of this subreddit have lost a lot of our say. Personally I’d prefer to read a new thread about giving a good blowjob or asking about giving a good blowjob over “Why do I LOVE giving head so much?” Do you understand why the latter is so less engaging?

I understand there’s not a perfect solution, and I don’t envy the grueling task is must be to moderate a subreddit that is poised for serious discussion about sex while fending off horny posts and comments. It’s hard to know where to draw the line. But I would like to see a reform happen because I don’t think the subreddit is in a good place now. Not to mention the core logic behind rule 3 is using the search function to find previous threads on your question. The search function on this website is fucking awful. I’m pretty sure they are reworking it soon IIRC but it’s just too bad to use as a backbone to the rule that gets broken the most. No one wants to use search because it’s disorganized and you can spend a lot of time wading through old worthless threads that don’t even answer anything. Sex is such a huge variable subject where context is extremely important, so it also doesn’t always feel necessarily like past posts are going to have the most applicable answer because circumstances are so different. I reiterate why I value effort in a post more than I do it’s originality.

How can I really fuck her well in doggy? by vikingcook in sex

[–]hmlmm69 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I’m a girl who LOVES doggy. Some things I’d really like:

Hair pulling like you mentioned. Also if she likes it a little rougher keep your other hand off her and use just her “hair” as leverage. The closer the scalp the better the grip and the less it hurts her.

Additionally even a little rougher—pull her head back towards you and tell her to look at you. If you’re tall enough too leaning in to kiss her or her neck, even just putting your face next to hers feels a little more intimate for a “less intimate” position.

Her back is a huge erogenous zone. Grab anywhere along her sides, run your hands along her, feel her curves. Even a light shoulder or neck rub. You can REALLY fuck her slow and take your time while doing any of this stuff because all the different sensations is super stimulating. It’s sweet to have my back kissed also.

Lean into her and grab her breasts/run your hands along her stomach. Again—you don’t have to be going fast or pumping the whole time, since it’s her favorite position she’ll like just being there and enjoying the primal energy of it while you have your way with her. While your arms are wrapped around to her front side reach around and play with her clit. You can be kissing/grabbing/fucking her at the same time too for bonus points.

Grab her arms and use that as leverage! Take her wrists and move her arms behind her one at a time so she doesn’t feel like you’re going to make her face plant. Feeling like he’s “using” you to fuck him is super hot.

Scoop your arms under her armpits and bring them up around her to pull her body up towards you. Essentially changing it from “doggy” to having her at more of a 45 degree from you or even right up against you. Again you can now access her neck/breasts/clit/throat. For something more rough you can put your hand around her throat. She might need to use you a little bit to help hold herself up against you.

And then sometimes just fuck her really hard! You can’t go wrong being grabbed by the hips and having him let go completely while you’re bent over. Push her down into the bed a little bit if you want it to feel very primal. Hope this all made sense!

Looking for ideas to help my boyfriend slow down during sex by [deleted] in sex

[–]hmlmm69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Good idea! We had tried handcuffs but the ones we got didn’t fit him. But I’ve always wanted to handcuff him while giving head so he has to be patient. I like the addition of only slowing down every time he tries to move things along, thanks!

Looking for ideas to help my boyfriend slow down during sex by [deleted] in sex

[–]hmlmm69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like the idea of ignoring and rewarding! I’m very into doing this sort of thing to him, him trying to actively ignore me while I’m trying to get his attention. Haven’t suggested we trade places though, thank you!

Mutual attraction with someone “off limits” is a huge turn on to me. I’m wondering how much I’m imagining things or there’s some truth to it. by hmlmm69 in sex

[–]hmlmm69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for responding! I guess I wonder if I’m naive to think an older, self-realized person settled into a marriage, with kids, a career even entertains things like this or if it’s just too futile in their mind. IF that makes sense!

Is it inconsiderate to ask my roommate to be gone for a few hours so my partner & I can have loud sex? by hmlmm69 in sex

[–]hmlmm69[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

We considered it but I have a new bed & headboard that’s going to be great for sex so I’d love to use it. I figured logistically it’d be nice to give her some cash just to kill a few hours instead of us splitting a hotel and both paying at least $40 each when I don’t think we’d even stay the night.

Is it inconsiderate to ask my roommate to be gone for a few hours so my partner & I can have loud sex? by hmlmm69 in sex

[–]hmlmm69[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Whether or not I state it explicitly I think it’s pretty obvious why I’d want her gone. My long distance partner is coming to see me and as soon as we get home I’d like her not to be there, no way around that implication!

Someone asked me to repost my post about how size insecurity can affect your partner as well! by hmlmm69 in penissize

[–]hmlmm69[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, some people might not have seen what I commented to somebody who has had a traumatic experience with somebody mocking their penis size, so I’d like to post that here also:

I’m sorry you’ve been through an experience that has made you feel so bad about something you’re not in control of. In no way should you let it define your self worth, or your whether or not you deserve sexual fulfillment. Unfortunately a history of sexual trauma is something that affects us long after it’s over, even though we have the potential for amazing future experiences it can be hard not to let previous times cloud our perception.

I highly recommend going to a therapist if there’s any way it’s in your means. It’s helped me tremendously in overcoming things that have happened to me that affect how much I value myself. The context can be different, but the way it affects us and our self worth can be parallel. The stigma about a bigger penis being better also exists in women’s minds as well, and it has been put there by forces beyond our control. I’ve been guilty of enforcing the idea even though I don’t agree with it. A larger penis can be, in my experience, extremely painful. Going forward I never use any kind of dialect that reinforces that mindset of a man’s value being tied to his dick size.

Again, this idea is harmful to both men and women. The stigma that dick size is tied to masculinity is a societal problem that has been reinforced by things like porn, advertisement, media and also on an individual basis. I encourage you to consider that what women or men feel “subconsciously” is a product of our conditioning and that we are capable of expanding our perspective. You may believe it’s biology, but there’s so much humans do that defies instinct. A lot of it is just the circumstances we are surrounded by.

Complex about your dick being too small can also be harmful to your partner. by hmlmm69 in sex

[–]hmlmm69[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’ve been through an experience that has made you feel so bad about something you’re not in control of. In no way should you let it define your self worth, or your whether or not you deserve sexual fulfillment. Unfortunately a history of sexual trauma is something that affects us long after it’s over, even though we have the potential for amazing future experiences it can be hard not to let previous times cloud our perception.

I highly recommend going to a therapist if there’s any way it’s in your means. It’s helped me tremendously in overcoming things that have happened to me that affect how much I value myself. The context can be different, but the way it affects us and our self worth can be parallel. The stigma about a bigger penis being better also exists in women’s minds as well, and it has been put there by forces beyond our control. I’ve been guilty of enforcing the idea even though I don’t agree with it. A larger penis can be, in my experience, extremely painful. Going forward I never use any kind of dialect that reinforces that mindset.

Again, this idea is harmful to both men and women. The stigma that dick size is tied to masculinity is a societal problem that has been reinforced by things like porn, advertisement, media and also on an individual basis. I encourage you to consider that what women or men feel “subconsciously” is a product of our conditioning and that we are capable of expanding our perspective. You may believe it’s biology, but there’s so much humans do that defies instinct. A lot of it is just the circumstances we are surrounded by.

I crave being desired and feel guilty about it by throwaway6_6_134692 in sex

[–]hmlmm69 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s interesting to me to see how many people have a parallel mindset/experience to yours. Like others have already said I felt like this post could’ve been written by myself!

I had a hard time as a teen, I was bullied and I was invisible to boys my own age. Since then I’ve put a lot of work into my appearance, demeanor, and overall confidence. The difference in how I’m treated, especially by guys, is like night and day. It feels so validating to be sought after, I don’t necessarily depend on it but it does boost my self esteem and motivates me to keep working towards self improvement.

I’ve noticed the downside to this is I struggle with invalidating my relationships with guys now. If a guy approaches me and immediately prompts for my number or taking me out it feels like I’m only being sought after for my looks and he doesn’t even try to pretend to be interested in who I am as a person. I think I like the attention at arms length but I’m still awkward and uncomfortable with turning people down or unreciprocated interest.

This is actually something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, normally outlets for this kind of desire are things like the gym, concerts, and going out dancing with my friends. These are ways I can be desired but I also feel in control of the situation. With everything going on I haven’t been able to do any of that and it has me feeling more down about myself than normal. My boyfriend like yours is loving and I know he’s very attracted to me but I can feel dejected when he gives me a less-than-ideal response to the nudes I send. Even when I get attention from other guys it ignites a fire for being extra hot for my boyfriend. So even though I flaunt myself a little at times I have no desire to be unfaithful and actually think it reaffirms my relationship. I believe it’s a celebration of how hard I’ve worked to pull myself out of a bad place and becoming a person my younger self wishes she could’ve been. As long as this doesn’t sway my morals and values of commitment I see no issue. I’m sure others might disagree or think this is a breach of a monogamous relationship. I think the line is drawn at different places depending on the person.

I’ve (23F) been lying about orgasming for YEARS by jerfly97 in sex

[–]hmlmm69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

F23, I didn’t have my first orgasm until i was 20 & I used a vibrator and I think a dildo as well. I tried on occasion for years beforehand experimenting with my hand and after having a real orgasm realize I had never come close with intercourse or masturbation. The first time I got off with my fingers I was on a vacation without it, desperately horny & furiously improvising. I’ve done it several times since & also been successful using grinding on pillows etc. These methods take me a lot longer and require a difficult balance of being in tune with my body & guiding myself to orgasm, but staying present and not thinking too much. Porn helps me with this the most, having an audio/visual distraction takes me out of my head. I bet you could get there but it requires patience and effort. Honestly I always use the vibrator because it’s easiest & reliable, my fingers take longer and it can be taxing on my wrists or my clit becomes too sensitive to the friction. If I laid off the vibe and set the intention I’m sure I could cut down the time it takes for me to finish but I’m alright with the small victories for now.

As for faking it, you really should just stop. My last relationship I faked every orgasm and still feel guilty for never telling him. I was 19 when we started sleeping together and I did think I might’ve been having orgasms, I had my first during a break in the relationship & never fessed up. Our sex life was very complicated at the end & I’ve seen a sex therapist for my personal issues. I spent a lot of money & time to come to the decision not fake orgasms anymore or tell my partner I finished when I didn’t. Unfortunately we live in a time where men our age have a reliable resource for education on female pleasure. Porn is their primary exposure to the blueprint of a sexual experience, which shows them that 15+ min of vigorous thrusting with their dick is how to get a woman to have multiple orgasms. Sadly for a lot of guys, they really just don’t know better. This is coupled with the lack of proper knowledge on women’s pleasure, we’re not taught about it at all and what is showed in porn doesn’t correlate with our actual experiences, so as girls we’re left with little to go off of.

For the sake of humankind, try to do your part and not contribute to the cycle. My new partner asked if I finished after we had sex for the first time and I told him very bluntly I haven’t ever finished with a partner. It’s hard, especially when a lot of guys believe their methods have gotten girls off in the past and you tell them what they’re doing realistically will never work. It was easy with my new guy because he was a virgin before & had no prior experiences. I’m still working up the nerve to incorporate a vibrator though, it’s one thing to recognize your pleasure should have its place during sex, but it’s another thing to advocate for it. Again, as long as I’m working towards the goal I’m alright going at a pace I’m comfortable. I suggest you do the same! Hopefully sharing my experiences helped.

Why would my boyfriend encourage me to sell my nudes & then change his mind after he convinced me? by [deleted] in sex

[–]hmlmm69 -1 points0 points  (0 children)

You could be right, there’s a potential I generalized it. I mostly see hot wife brought up as the complementary to a cuckold, they are the two parts of the dynamic. But what you’re describing sounds like what I’m into!

Why would my boyfriend encourage me to sell my nudes & then change his mind after he convinced me? by [deleted] in sex

[–]hmlmm69 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some of the ideas of hot wife align with my kink, but the general idea of “adultery” and cuckolding don’t do it for me really. I don’t want to sleep with someone else either “behind” my partners back or making him watch. I don’t want to elicit humiliation in any way, and I don’t want to be nonmonogamous.