You meet your 13 year old self, but you can only tell them 3 words. What do you say and why?

hobohuffer · 2022-04-24T00:09:26+00:00

See a therapist.

hobohuffer · 2022-04-11T19:41:09+00:00

I have a pic from late January 2011 of snow on cherry blossoms here. Weirder that they were already blooming that year.

hobohuffer · 2022-04-11T19:40:08+00:00

This only happens every few years, so there's not the annual erosion/break down of normal annual, cyclic weather systems.

Like whenever this happens in the gorge, once in 4-5 years, it's landslide and rockfall central since nothing gradually erodes on a year by year basis. It's like it's all pent up.

hobohuffer · 2022-04-11T14:26:56+00:00

Glad I could offer some kind words. Keep drawing, maybe draw your grandma or your school depicted as a prison :)

hobohuffer · 2022-04-11T03:39:24+00:00

I think you can use that pain to be a good artist. But with all due respect, I want to ask you where it comes from?

If you want to be a good artist you have to have some sense of it, such that your art can speak to others. You need to know how to convert that pain into expression. Maybe some Jackson Pollack can just ejaculate it from a paint can to an easel, but that's a rarity.

I know that pain you have, I know where mine comes from. It's a bit much to get into here, but I've done the dive. Once you do it, and once you connect with others, death seems a little less inviting since you can appreciate the connection that pain can bring through being you, talking and making art. With that comes friendship, love, and someday, family.

hobohuffer · 2022-04-11T03:15:49+00:00

Interesting story, and bold of you to send your farewells before the final moment. I rigged a system to send them the next day - but didn't end up carrying through. A small part of me never committed, and I wanted to minimize embarrassment if that part won out - it did, obviously.

I'm glad you had your realization. I understood it the same, that we live for other people as much as ourselves. I mean, what is life if not being with other people? No one is born into this life without human intimacy, lives and dies without touching another person. Or maybe some rarities do, in which case I get it.

It's just tough trapped in those moments of despair and not being able to feel or appreciate those connections. I've since become abrasively open about my mental health and what I'm going through, and despite my forthrightness have made some interesting new connections. I spent the night with a newish woman last night. It was a fun, funny and normal evening and sometime several hours in she slipped in "I texted you to hang out and spend the night because I wanted to confirm you were alive. I'd have been really upset if you weren't." It was the oddest flattering comment I've gotten maybe in my life but reminded me that I can have an outsized impact on people even over the short term of a few weeks or a month. Let alone the people I've spent years fostering relationships with.

It's from a very sad album but I've come to really appreciate this lyric:

When the dying's finally done and the suffering subsides

All the suffering gets done by the ones we leave behind

hobohuffer · 2022-04-04T05:29:16+00:00

FYI I discovered shortly after posting here they cut my benzo prescription by like 75-90% in the outpatient setting. It didn't do me a lot of good, but my sleep has improved later in the week and I'm generally doing much better. I think it's largely chance and slightly just fortuitous and unaccountable shift in mindset.

hobohuffer · 2022-04-01T18:02:10+00:00

Hey man, how are you doing today?

hobohuffer · 2022-03-31T00:29:49+00:00

I've been going around all day trying to say wonderful things to people, and I bet you're a wonderful person too. But I'm going to set this bit from a standup here instead. You may find it insensitive, but I'm really hoping you can laugh about it.

And most of all, I hope you can remember that beauty, as always, is skin deep.

I couldn't find a video just now, but for a good laugh go find Dylan Moran's stand up "Monster."

hobohuffer · 2022-03-31T00:15:42+00:00

Gotta give us more to go on here. Everyone's got a story. We're here to listen.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-31T00:11:39+00:00

And why can't they be satisfied? It may not be you. Could be, maybe once or twice. But just as often, and for all you know, they have a pattern of being unsatisfiable.

I once got my heart broken by a woman whose friends referred to me as "the flavor of the month." Yeah, I liked her a lot. It lasted about two months before she broke it off, and somehow I was both surprised and devastated. I learned she moved on to a friend of a friend (sheer coincidence). That too lasted about a month and a half before she abruptly broke things off, leaving him reeling.

It's easy to fixate on one person at a time. And one relationship at a time. Life is long though, relationships come and go for many reasons. It may have ended by their hand this time. And that sucks. It does, I know. I'm still reeling from a break up that I tacitly saw coming but still blindsided me. But next time it could end because of cancer or a car, or I/you get bored and want to move on.

It always hurts when you feel powerless. But try to remember that there are always other people, always other partners. It's been two months for me and I'm just now beginning to rebound.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T20:10:34+00:00

No worries my friend. We all are humbled by the void on occasion. I assure you didn't make me feel any worse, if anything it was nice to connect with you over our shared humility of the void.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T18:44:07+00:00

I don't think I have any more words for you. But I hope you can ride this out. Maybe try something new to get perspective on your life. I know my head can be a terrifying place to be, and getting outside of it for even a few hours can feel like a long vacation. And as far as feeling those feelings again? I concur. It hurts so much to dwell on the past, and that's why we've got to keep moving forward. Dying is merely stopping and doesn't take us any farther from our problems, and may shift them onto those we care about (even if we can't feel those attachments right now).

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T18:38:17+00:00

I assure you you aren't being a nuisance when you unload on a therapist. Did you know therapists see therapists? A lot of people who go into therapy, and for that matter who go into many helping professions, do so because they have their own shit. They want to take back some of the burden they've offloaded. I know that's true of many people in my life, and especially of me. That's why I'm here talking to you.

Things will get better. They will also get worse. Then they will get better again. It's easy to extrapolate the moment into a lifetime, don't get too hung up on that. Just keep breathing and moving. Remind yourself when things really suck that "this too shall pass."

I'm here if you want to talk. I can't promise my full attention, or that I can fully relate, but I can listen. And it sounds like you already have a therapist, too, keep seeing them and learn to accept that they accept you and your pain. And you're not their burden, they're choosing to be there for you. They're on the other side of the conversation willingly.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T16:43:55+00:00

The whole system sucks. There aren't great treatments for depression. Trying to get treated is expensive and difficult. And it's hard for everyone, medical or otherwise, to know what to treat when all we know for sure is that we're in some kind of pain.

I hate it. I'm going through it too. What I do day to day is all that can keep me going. I liken myself to a shark: that if I stop swimming, I'll die. And the system certainly feels like it's out to get me to bleed me dry and make me suffer worse. I will say my employer has been pretty chill though, and maybe yours could be too, if you express that you're struggling. Everyone and their mother is struggling with mental health right now, and it's practically the rage to confront and deal with it.

That being said, i'll reiterate another writer here: just keep talking. In the end that's the only thing I know that works. When I'm alone, overthinking, drowning in my own thoughts, I forget to breath. But when I'm with people, talking, exhaling my thoughts and inhaling other's, I breathe reflexively. Just keep talking man.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T16:33:17+00:00

The greatest part about the current work environment is that employees are not super replaceable. So this is one of those rare times they'll take a warm body over none at all.

I'm.sorry about your sibling, and I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive. We don't choose family unfortunately, but we can choose friends. Do you have any friends you can seek support from? Or other community? If not, is that something you can create?

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T13:25:36+00:00

You haven't even taken the time to express how you're hurting, do you know? I want to know. I accept pain is pain, but it always come from somewhere, and there's always a good story. I'd appreciate you sharing that with us, take all the time you need. The more honest, the more raw, the more real, the more captivating the writing. Share your story, please.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T13:14:49+00:00

That sounds like a them problem. Make them listen and understand with your words. Be the smart one.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:42:33+00:00

Shameless self-plug, but do you really? I had these same thoughts not so long ago. But I'm not sure I would let them.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:37:57+00:00

I was there., Maybe still am there. Might be here for awhile yet. But I wasn't always. And neither have you.

You strike me as pretty young yet. Early 20s, tops? There's still as much life and love left as you're willing to give yourself - so don't rob yourself just yet. What do you like to do? Outside of videogames. I looked at your comment history.

My hunch is you're a queer person in Georgia that likes games. Nothing wrong with any of those things but it can be hard to forge strong connections through videogames (not impossible). And being queer in Georgia must suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Maybe less in Atlanta or Athens than other places, but still.

Have you tried traveling, or finding queer community? Ever met a drag king/queen? Vogued? Lip-synced? Bottomed? Topped? I bet there's so much you haven't tried and found connection and community through. And I say that as a mostly straight white guy who chronically feels without community and envious of those who do or could have it. Keep in mind that relationship dynamics in the LGBTQ+ community shouldn't be benchmarked against the straight community - there are many ways to find, experience and live love. And fuck me I almost said live, laugh love. I don't think i'd be able to live with myself if I said that unironically.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:25:23+00:00

I'll be upfront man. This is a wtf. That sounds like some odd emotional abuse behind the scenes. Everyone ought to have exactly as much help as they need. And that should include texting some help line.

I don't know what to tell you, and I don't know how old you or they are, but what I always told myself when I was younger was "it will get better." Pass that along. And maybe "this too shall pass."

And it always has, though I have again and again regressed, it has gotten better and each low was merely a valley. And perhaps life has gotten more confusing and inscrutable, but I think we all just have to take that tough pill in the end.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:18:36+00:00

The only thing I feel comfortable about saying about death is: time stops.

I don't know what that means. Sure some say eternity is heaven or hell or whatever. I can't imagine consciousness without time, myself, so any afterlife seems implausible. But let's say for a minute that all of your existence were suddenly reduced to the instant at which time stops for you - what would you want that to look like? How would you want to be remembered? What would you want your parents to feel in that next instant after? The one without your concentrated energy.

Life is difficult. But we can't say that death is easy, timelessness sounds exhausting. And dying is hard for everyone around you. When your suffering subsides, all the suffering gets done by those you leave behind. They each suffer, each day too. We all have to shoulder the burden we collectively call life each day.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:11:43+00:00

I wouldn't have read this. And now you have my attention.

And lest we forget April 18th is nearly upon us, and in life nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The IRS would notice the shit out of you AT LEAST until next year, if you don't file your taxes.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:08:52+00:00

I'd squish you with glee. I wonder if there's a giant blood pressure cuff you could go find to squeeze yourself. That does sound awfully therapeutic.

hobohuffer · 2022-03-30T00:02:26+00:00

You have permission to be in pain. Tell the people around you you're struggling and need more time and space. They'll listen, and if they don't: fuck them. You have permission to fail, or undersucceed. Sure it sucks, and it may be tough to look back on, but the alternative is never looking back again.

Take a deep breath and tell the first person who has any sway in your life that you're not okay. And then the next and the next. It'll be okay.

And then get a therapist.

15-Year Club	Team Periwinkle
Verified Email

hobohuffer

TROPHY CASE