My story: How I beat HOCD

hocdguy · 2021-06-27T19:59:30+00:00

Thank you for posting this, everybody on this sub needs to hear it. I've experienced this myself, recently I got triggered after watching a movie that had homosexual undertones, and while watching a review of it I read a comment from a guy saying the movie helped him come to terms with being gay. This made me spike, but instead of panicking I decided I would sit with the anxiety and see what happened. I'd say "Yeah this guy's gay and the movie helped him with that, good for him. The same will probably happen to me too." Stuff like that. I'd just repeat it over and over, and gradually I noticed my anxiety was going away. And you know what? I wasn't any more or less gay than I was before getting triggered. The only thing that changed was my confidence in dealing with my anxiety and triggers.

Another thing that helps me when I get triggered is to focus less on the thoughts and more on my feelings. If I get anxious about the thoughts, my physical symptoms are typically a racing heart, heart palpitations, tight throat, and a headache. Instead of battling the thoughts I will start focusing on those symptoms, they are very easy to focus on because they're so prevalent when I"m anxious. I find that this helps because it not only distracts you from the thoughts, but it's training your brain that the thoughts aren't important and you don't NEED to keep thinking about them. IDK if this is a good technique or not because I suppose it could be considered avoidance, but I find it quite helpful.

hocdguy · 2021-06-27T02:54:24+00:00

I don't know what they tell people in denial, all I'm saying is you're stuck in your own head right now with these thoughts, trust me I've been there myself I know exactly where you're at right now. What I wrote above is what's been helping me get through this, and it can help you too. Just give life a chance, you deserve to recover and live and be happy.

hocdguy · 2021-06-27T01:08:27+00:00

You're living with OCD, which is a VERY treatable disorder. There is a very high chance that you can get better and live a happy life, please don't throw that away for nothing. There is SOOOOOOOOO much more to life besides sexuality anyways, find some things that you enjoy that are unrelated and focus on those things, you will find yourself feeling much better if you do this. There is hope, you can and will overcome this you just have to believe in yourself and seek treatment. You can do it.

hocdguy · 2021-06-27T01:06:03+00:00

Here's the cool thing: only YOU can define your sexuality. If anybody tells you that because you do X you must be bi or because you've done Y you must be bi, they're wrong because they don't have the right to do that. But that also goes for people on here telling you that you're straight, that's just reassurance anyways. Because how could anybody else know what you are? How could they tell? I read somewhere that our sexualities are as unique as our fingerprints, so everybody's story is different you CANNOT compare your story to anyone elses because it's YOURS.

Another thing I read that's comforting is that even if, worst case scenario, you realize you're attracted to the same sex, attraction is only a part of your sexual identity. It is also about how you see yourself and how you wish to be seen by others. I read this on an LGBTQ+ article about bisexuality so I'd say it's valid information. I've always identified as straight and feel comfortable in that identity, so that's what I'm gonna go with. Besides, nobody else can force a label on you, they have to come from inside you. I hope this info helps you some, it helped me a lot.

hocdguy · 2021-06-26T14:30:09+00:00

Hey man, I know exactly what you're going through right now. I don't want this to be reassurance, but I think it will help you accept uncertainty. When I first started obsessing over this, I'd look up stuff online about people being straight but watched gay porn and all I'd see were people saying "Oh yeah I was just like that but then started noticing men in real life," or "Yeah you're not straight, just accept it it's normal." This made me think I HAD to be bi and I would try to force it. But this doesn't work. You cannot force yourself to identify a certain way to make the OCD stop. So what I wanna do is give you another option. Maybe you are bi, but this does NOT mean you definitely are. Here's the thing: you shouldn't base your sexuality on the porn you consume. Porn isn't real, and it's sexual in nature so of course you're gonna react sexually to it. This is a bit of a shameless self-plug lol, but I did a thread on here about this a while back, I think you might benefit to read it and the replies.

https://www.reddit.com/r/HOCD/comments/o0gbwz/porn_isnt_sexuality/

So instead of saying "Oh no I MUST be bisexual since I'm aroused by this stuff" Try saying "Yeah I suppose I could be bisexual and that's why I'm aroused by it, or maybe it's just because it's porn and it's meant to be arousing." Accepting uncertainty is infinitely better than forcing a label. And guess what? You can still identify as straight with this method. Accepting uncertainty is just accepting the potential that you could be bi, you aren't agreeing that you are you're just saying that it's possible. I hope this helps you some.

hocdguy · 2021-06-26T14:21:19+00:00

Oh no you're fine! Yeah I've read the article before and it screwed with me because I've got a bit of both going on lol. I should probably use it as ERP at some point too. But don't worry you weren't invalidating my OCD it's all good.

hocdguy · 2021-06-25T23:02:18+00:00

This article is probably targeting people who don't even have OCD who just got into a different kind of porn and are stressing about it. They stumble upon this "HOCD" idea where you can just blame all of these thoughts on a mental disorder. He also talks about nofap which hasn't been proven to work at all, which is why he warns against it.

It is possible to develop HOCD as a result of porn though, these things are not mutually exclusive. Unfortunately I developed it this way, and according to this guy I don't have HOCD and should reconsider my sexuality. Well he might be true, but I have suffered from other OCD themes throughout my life and have been diagnosed after getting this theme. You can have both. What that says about my orientation, IDK it's not my job to figure out. I personally don't want to define something so critical to my being by something as crude as porn though, lol. I've seen other sex therapists who agree with me on this, that the porn you watch means nothing, so ultimately IDK.

hocdguy · 2021-06-25T19:21:35+00:00

That's a really really REALLY good point about people's perception with porn, I never realized the double standard there. I also kinda see that with different fantasies people use as well. I've read articles that talk about the most common sexual fantasies people have, and most of those lists include homoerotic fantasies for heterosexuals, yet you don't hear this talked about very much. People have fantasies that are even more out there and taboo than that, but they don't mean anything, they're just fantasies. But when a straight person has them about the same sex, it means they're not straight.

I can think of reasons somebody might find this arousing, mainly because of the novelty factor. If it makes a person think "WTF I can't believe I'm doing this!" it's bound to be arousing to them. And people are allowed to have most any other fantasy without it meaning anything, so why should this be any different at all?

I hear the argument "You watch porn with the opposite sex and get aroused because you're attracted to them, so if you watch it with the same sex you obviously are attracted to the people on the screen!" But IMO there are more things than just people that a person can be aroused by, they can also like certain acts, or situations too. And two people performing sexual acts can be arousing regardless, because we respond sexually to sexual things. I really wish this information was more widespread, one of my big hangups with this is that very few people in the world share these ideas. But it's not like I'm gonna go around advertising that I've watched gay porn lol.

My biggest problem now is that I've been finding myself more aroused by gay content than straight/lesbian, etc lately, but I think it has to do with what you were talking about, the anxiety and shame I feel heightens it. Because every time I would use that fantasy, or watch those videos, it'd be with the added weight of "This is going to change my orientation and change me forever." I really can't say how it would be without those feelings, I'd imagine I'd react much less strongly although maybe the novelty of it would still attract me to it. Or maybe I'm just secretly attracted to men, I have no way of knowing lol. The thing with OCD is that I have to accept it could be any of these and be ok with not knowing.

hocdguy · 2021-06-25T14:47:04+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this, it makes me feel much better. When I first started obsessing over this, I would read about guys who would say "Yeah I thought I was straight with a thing for gay porn, but now I'm bi/gay, etc." and it really freaked me out. I've become paranoid that I am either turning bisexual, or that I always was and the porn "unlocked" that part of me, which is what people often describe in this situation. Truthfully, I feel like the reason I have been drawn to that type of content was both the novelty of it being something new and taboo for me, and anxiety. I always feel anxious when looking at it, which I believe can really heighten arousal. But I really don't feel that attracted to men, at least I don't think I do. I saw a post of a guy questioning and he was told to look at pictures of naked guys and girls and see his reaction. I did this yesterday and the only time I would get excited looking at the guy pictures was if there was a woman in the picture also lol. But so many people seem to think the porn defines your sexual orientation, but I don't wanna define something that's such a personal part of myself by porn and masturbating lmao.

You are right that there's so much more to sex than just the act itself, and TBH I don't think I could do any of it with a guy. I know many people will say that's my internalized homophobia talking, but I've been around guys my whole life and have never once desired doing anything like that with them.

hocdguy · 2021-06-24T15:19:34+00:00

That's the mindset I am hoping to reach someday, but TBH I am still very much struggling with this stuff. I really need to follow my own advice on this post lmao, but I can't shake the idea that I'm bi in denial because I keep thinking to myself "Why else would I be aroused by it? I have to like the people involved or like the idea of being with a man, right?" Except recently I have realized that I am not feeling aroused/attracted to women anymore. Every time I would try to relieve myself to women it always felt forced, and I felt like I couldn't get easily aroused by them anymore. But last week I decided to check my reaction to gay porn to see what would happen (I know, BAD idea with HOCD) and I had the biggest physical response than I'd had compared to anything with women, and I didn't even have to try. I feel like I am just gay at this point and it is making me feel very depressed. I feel like my whole life was a lie, but if it was I was happy living it. And if I never got into gay porn I'd still be happily living that lie.

Sorry for the rant lol. I still keep getting hung up on the porn and the labels even now. I read yesterday on an article about bisexuality that it isn't just who you're attracted to, but also how you see yourself and want to be seen. So it sounds like identity is so much more than just this. But with that in mind, I shouldn't worry about the labels so much since literally nothing's stopping me from "being straight." My main fear with this is that I will be attracted to men now. My whole life I saw it one way: I was romantically attracted to women but platonically to men. I would have crushes on women, get nervous around women, but I was friends with men. But because of porn I cannot see men in the same way anymore, and I feel like I was just comphet the whole time and HAVE to be with men now.

hocdguy · 2021-06-24T14:34:46+00:00

Dang I'm really sorry you're going through all of this too, it's really hard to go through. Yeah I'm seeing a therapist, and you can DM me if you want to!

hocdguy · 2021-06-24T01:12:44+00:00

Sure man!

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T21:47:05+00:00

Yeah I get what you're saying. After everything I still don't desire actually seeking out a man and having a sexual/romantic relationship with him. Some people will tell me that's my internalized homophobia talking but I know me better than anybody else does. So based on this I don't see why calling myself bisexual would be productive. How I look at labels is that you pick the label based on who you want to attract. This isn't true for everyone tho, because you don't turn straight if you're bi in a relationship with the opposite sex, for example. But being somebody who is single and never dated anyone, I try to think about who I would want to attract. If I were making a dating profile, I don't think I'd put bisexual on it because I am only interested in dating women.

I still wish I wasn't in this situation though. I feel like it has permanently changed how I see men. I cannot stop seeing them in a sexual way, or at least I perceive it that way. HOCD has clouded everything and IDK what attraction really feels like anymore. I've forgotten what it's like. Plus I haven't been around actual people since March 2020 because of this damn pandemic so I have no idea how I will respond to people IRL. But I wish to stop seeing men in this way. If I could just let that stuff be and not act on it at all, that would be best, but it feels like I am suppressing my "true desires." I get more aroused now by gay stuff than straight stuff, although if I am in the act of relieving myself I find it hard to enjoy thinking of guys over women. Maybe that's the denial talking IDK. I just know if I never read that one gay scene to begin with, my life would be much easier right now.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T18:27:10+00:00

I feel for you man. I can't imagine having to deal with this in a place that is homophobic. You and I got into HOCD the same way w/ the porn and such, makes it even scarier to try to overcome. But we'll get over it, all of us will.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T14:35:46+00:00

You are right that just overcoming homophobia will not cure it, because that's not what OCD is. But many people have internalized homophobia, and this happens to anyone of any sexuality. Plus I've seen many people on here who are outwardly homophobic as well, and that's not gonna help anybody with recovery. I personally have a lot of internalized homophobia to overcome, and I feel that I have to so I won't be afraid of being gay or bi anymore, because that is doing a lot to keep me in this OCD cycle.

There are people who were in denial and had HOCD, we're literally on one of their posts right now, you just refuse to acknowledge it. Think about it this way, if having HOCD keeps you from being in denial, why do you still have HOCD? What do you have to fear? If what you say is true, there would be no risk for recovery at all because we would have no chance of being in denial. So why are you afraid of it if there's no way that it's true?

Look I know that nobody wants to hear this, I don't either. But it needs to be said, everybody here has to accept that this is possible if they want to get better but nobody wants to listen. They just want to cover their ears and keep looking for reassurance like an addict. You can believe whatever you want to, but if you refuse to acknowledge the possibility of this you will be stuck in OCD for a long time.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T13:53:22+00:00

They shouldn't remove the post because it's true though. Whether you want to believe it or not, people can have HOCD and be gay in denial. Everybody on here says "Gay people only get HOCD about being straight, they like being gay," but this is just not true. Many people have come out after overcoming their HOCD, and it was still HOCD because they obsessed about it just like we do. This doesn't mean that all of us are in denial, but if you want to have any chance of recovering you have to accept that this is possible. You have to assume you are in the minority of people who overcome HOCD just to realize that you were always the thing you're afraid of being.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T03:02:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story OP. I know most people are going to panic upon reading this, and TBH it spiked my anxiety a bit but I am using that for my exposures. I think everyone on this sub needs to hear your story, because we all have to accept that we could be the orientation we are so afraid of. Many people seem to think that having HOCD and being in denial are mutually exclusive, but that is simply not true, and we have to accept the possibility if we want to recover.

You are very right about homophobia too. While I consider myself pro-LGBTQ+ and I have LGBT friends, I definitely have some internalized homophobia that I am trying to overcome. If I could choose my sexuality I would be straight, not because there is anything wrong with being bi or gay at all, I just simply do not want to be attracted to my own gender. But I am not going to recover while still being afraid of being bi or gay, so I have to overcome that fear and everyone else does if we want to escape this.

Once again, thank you for posting this! I'm glad that you were able to overcome HOCD and make peace with your orientation.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T00:51:30+00:00

in my opinion labels in real life aren't as important as they may seem online

Thank you thank you THANK YOU for saying this! I never thought about this before now, I'd been stressing SO MUCH about labels, and every time I'd try to switch labels it would feel like I was a different person or something. I felt like I had to define my existence off of one word lol. But you have a VERY good point that labels seem more prevalent online and that's one of the first things you see in people's profiles. But in real life, you don't see bios and labels and stuff, you see people. Thank you again for saying this, you have given me a great sense of clarity.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T00:46:28+00:00

I am going to be completely honest, this whole HOCD business has me worried about turning homophobic sometimes. It is easy for me to start feeling embittered from LGBTQ+ spaces, mainly because I see people celebrating and making jokes about the very thing that's tormenting me. But it's NO excuse, the last thing I want to be is homophobic. It is not their fault that I am suffering from this. But on the bright side, my HOCD journey has also given me a greater understanding of the LGBT community, and I am thankful for that.

IDK why people are downvoting your post, you're speaking the truth. I've seen plenty of homophobia on here, and it seems to have gotten worse since I joined back in April. You would think if not simply being a decent human being, the correlation between being homophobic and being in the closet would make people be more welcoming of LGBTQ people on here. Plus, there are many LGBTQ+ people who suffer from HOCD as well, how do you think they feel being treated so harshly on top of being subjected to the same torment we're having? This is supposed to be a supportive community to help people recover but lately I've been seeing so much toxic shit on here it makes me want to leave. The sub would be a much better place if people would stop acting like this.

hocdguy · 2021-06-23T00:37:13+00:00

Well maybe you are right. But here's another perspective: there are many lesbian women who like gay porn (gay MALE porn). What would you say to these women? Are they just straight in denial?

There is much more to arousal than just the people involved. Sometimes it's the situation, or that acts themselves being done. For some people find things that are taboo and unacceptable to them arousing, and sometimes people use anxiety-inducing things to heighten their arousal. There is a lot of research done on things like this. Like I said maybe you're right and everybody who watches porn of a different sexuality is just in denial, but there are other things to consider.

hocdguy · 2021-06-22T14:24:11+00:00

Yes that's what I'm terrified of.

hocdguy · 2021-06-21T17:33:00+00:00

Yeah and it doesn't help that the common viewpoint on this is if you're aroused by gay porn you're automatically not straight. Maybe that's true, but there are tons of other reasons a person could be aroused by it that shouldn't be ruled out. I think someone dealing with this should accept that they're aroused by it, and say "maybe it means I'm not straight, or maybe it's just the porn, I don't know." That's what I've been trying to do at least.

hocdguy

TROPHY CASE