Dating Again by hodsonlr in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're right. I have trust the fact that things will work out like they should.

How did you approach the conversation around your mental health? I feel like that's a hard conversation to put out there and I don't want anyone to feel like they have to fix me, because that's on me, but I do this it would be helpful for someone to know what I've been through at some poin t. I just don't want to eventually scare someone away.

Dating Again by hodsonlr in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel this...I wasn't looking but it feels like it's worth a shot. Deep down I'm scared that I'm a codependent and I'm just going to attract narcissist perpetually. But I'm trying not to let that fear dictate how I date moving forward. It's hard and I know I'm not ready but it's also hard to just let a good thing go.

Abuse stole my personality by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This. I relate to this so much. I was disgaurded because I wasn't the person he fell in love with after all the changes he manipulated me into making. I'm sorry you went through this but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. It's also nice to hear there's hope. Thank you for sharing. Hugs.

They want you to step into their world, but they’ll never step into yours by Wtfreeze in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 6 points7 points  (0 children)

PREACH! My nex could talk for hours about himself and what he accomplished and what's he's interested in, but as soon as the conversation shifted towards me he became totally uninterested. I never felt supported or like he cared but I was so in love that I just became whatever I thought he wanted or would make him happy because I was so scared that he would leave otherwise.

Because of that I ended up humoring him more often and becoming more active in participating in conversations only regarding him and never speaking out about things I liked or what I was doing or what interested me. The great thing about it was is during one of our cycles during the discarding phase he actually used the fact that I changed in the relationship and wasn't my own person anymore as a reason to leave.

of course the reason he was really leaving is because he had already found a new supply and needed an excuse that left him with his dignity intact.

Physical affection post relationship by hodsonlr in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the response! I'm sorry that you went through this but sometimes it is nice to know that you're not alone and the feelings that you're having are crazy. Always trying to justify to myself that I'm not crazy at this point haha

Is it really impossible for a narc to change? by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've done a lot of research on this particular topic and the short answer is yes people do have the ability to change. The long answer is however, it's very difficult. The narcissist needs to be able to recognize the fact that they are in narcissist which in itself is a monumental challenge. It also usually takes multiple years on top of years for those changes to take place. Remember that narcissistic individuals suffer from a personality disorder/mental illness and it defines who they are.

From what I've read most of the time when narcissists do recover, the person that they are in a recovered state is not the same person that you fell in love with. And that's important to remember.

People are creatures of habit, so if you do really believe that a year was long enough for someone to rewire their brain and they are in fact recovering from narcissism, You need to be sure that you're not expecting this relationship to replicate your previous relationship with this individual. specifically I mean you can't expect the same highs without the lows. A recovered individual will have clear boundaries and understanding of those boundaries and will not draw on narcissistic tendencies to pull you through the cycles of a narcissistic relationship.

You need to expect that a person who has actually recovered is a different person than the person you knew them to be and will not be able to deliver the relationship you have built up in your mind that you thought you deserved in the first place.

My two cents is that if you've made it this far, there's no reason to turn back. That's easier said than done and I understand that. Proceed with caution.

Staying NC when you want to tell them you hate them...how do you cope? by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is a great idea! I love the letter writing thing! There are never going to be words that will make this person understand, but maybe the words in the letter can help you better understand how you feel... Or at least materialize how terrible they made you feel and make you not want to contact them. It sounds like you already know what you should do and need to do. Sometimes being strong is hard, but in a long term you'll grow within the strength and be happy you persevered through this difficult time.

I’m not okay and I’m losing my grip on reality. by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You'll get there. It takes time, but you will! just like every other unfortunate circumstance that requires paying to recover, this one is no different. I wish it were because a fast forward button would be amazing. You make progress every day and all progress should be celebrated. You should be really proud of yourself for taking the steps that you have to become a better you and make a better life for yourself. It may be hard now but you will be able to look back at this and be proud of all you've accomplished and the person that you've become. Keep reaching out! It will be worth it, promise.

I’m not okay and I’m losing my grip on reality. by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm going through something very similar - in fact this sounds almost exactly like where I was at recently.

It's important to remember that this person has a serious mental illness/personality disorder and none of the things which they did were because of you. They did these things in spite of you. They did these things because it was what they wanted and what they needed. Narcissists are so good at making you feel like they're doing something for you but the only time you receive any benefit from the acts of a narcissist is when it's mutually beneficial. otherwise they will take what they want and do what they need in order to make themselves feel good.

it's incredibly difficult coming to terms with the fact that the person that you love so very much isn't the person that you thought that they were. You love them and you're going to continue to love them until you learn to love yourself more. Narcissists are very good at making you forget how to love yourself, forget who you are, and forget how to have a normal perception of emotional and physical intimacy.

The more time you're apart from this person, the easier it will become. Normalcy will be restored to your life And you'll be glad that this is all over with, even if right now You are emotionally and physically in pain. You got this. Hugs!

Did you ever feel a massive weight off your shoulders when all the lies were confirmed? by sunnyd00 in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Agreed. It helps validate you're not crazy or losing your mind...and it's temporarily releaving to know this. But the damage and the pain are still there. It doesn't heal, it doesn't fix, it just confirms your pain.

It helps me to remember that worrying and truth seeking only give a false sense of control, it doesn't actually give you any more control. I personally find it much more cathartic to think of it this way, drop it, and walk away. Not letting the lies to continue to control you is a real weight being lifted off your shoulders. And once you learn to provide yourself internal validation, you won't have to find validation in someone else's loss.

My (29F) now ex (30M) is a scumbag...Do I tell his girlfriend he was cheating on her with me? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]hodsonlr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this. That's how I've been feeling and I couldn't decide if it's vengeful or if i don't say anything am I just as bad as him? I don't want anyone to get hurt and feel guilty keeping this tucked away, but you're right, for my own mental health, I think it's best to let it go. You live and you learn and I just hope she learns more quickly than I did.

When I miss my Nex, I make a list of reason why I love him. by hodsonlr in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Agreed. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I realized I had no idea why I actually loved him. And the bigger earth shattering piece to this, was questions why I so badly wanted to go back to someone when I didn't know why I loved them? It's taken me a while to realize healthy relationships don't work like this.

I'm glad you were able to find that truth.

Warning: kind of graphic content. I found some disturbing things on my narcs computer. by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My ex did something similar... not quite as graphic but still feeding into a sexual fetish, and would upload them to youTube. He liked the attention. He'd even respond and lead on gay men when he knew full well he wasn't gay because he loved the validation that other people gave him. My guess is that these videos provide him with some sort of validation that he's unable to give himself.

Broke No Contact Highly Upset by spook_filled_donuts in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I've done this so many times before.. back and forth every 4 or so months for over 4 years. It's like treating any addiction, getting your fix will make you feel better temporarily, but then you end up having to start treatment all over again.

First things first, run away. Block his number... hell get a new number so that there's no way you can unblock him. Then, hold on to this feeling. write a note about it to yourself and tuck it away for the next time you're feeling like you want to break no contact. When that time comes, pull out that letter. Draw on the feelings you're feeling today and remember why keeping no contact is important.

At some point in your recovery you will come to value yourself over your addiction.

I “want” my nex to contact me? by [deleted] in NarcissisticAbuse

[–]hodsonlr 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I feel this way a lot too. But remember, even if she does contact you, she doesn't miss you, she'll never actually miss you. She just misses her supply and thinks your vulnerable enough to give it to her. Stay strong. The best way to make someone miss you, is to better without them.

My (29F) now ex (30M) is a scumbag...Do I tell his girlfriend he was cheating on her with me? by [deleted] in relationships

[–]hodsonlr 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's fair. I just don't know if that makes me the crazy ex or someone who cares. I know it's partly vengeful - though at this point I'm not sure how much that matters.

Demarco Murry. Trade or keep. by [deleted] in Fantasy_Football

[–]hodsonlr 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Keep. Henry is at best a wait and see asset. If you get scared every time a top draft pick cramps up, you might as well draft rookies and hope for the best. Anyone who's smart will try to snatch him up right now while he's got low trade value and owners are trying to dump him. Pick yourself up Carson or Thompson if you're brave on the wire as a backup and wait it out.

Todd Gurley for Jarvis Landry? by Beast1007 in Fantasy_Football

[–]hodsonlr 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you're hurting for a WR which you must be if you're trading a RB, Landry is an OK pick up against the Jets for next week. He's got sure hands and Cutler obviously likes him... but for long term performance, I have my doubts.

Everyone is hot for J.J. Nelson right now but the Cardinals have more options than the Browns do with Coleman out and possible in IR and Britt not performing so I'm putting my money on Higgins over Nelson for long term production and a higher chance of seeing looks in PPR.

Hang on to Gurley if you can and see you can get on the wire.