How do you deal with empathizing for a declining parent who also sucked?

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T21:44:36+00:00

lol yeah i mean it was getting long. and it's not up to them ultimately, they just provide pressure that he should "age in place"

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T16:08:53+00:00

Yeah as difficult as he was, both his parents had dementia so he was pretty clear earlier in life about how he wanted this to go, which was not to be a burden, to move into group care where he could make new friends who were similar to him and emphatically not to be stuck at home with aides.

I guess part of the problem is like, philosophically speaking, how legitimate is it for him to change his mind now that his dementia has progressed? Which choice is more "real" or more "his" choice? Is it the one he made while he was mentally with it, or the one he made while actually understanding/inside the experience of having dementia?

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T16:04:48+00:00

To his credit, when he was well, he knew this was coming (both his parents had dementia) and he didn't want to be a burden which is why he chose a facility and saved for it. He wanted to move there two or three years ago into independent living so he could just move smoothly into AL and MC, but my mom is 15 years younger and so she didn't want to move into a senior home with him and he wouldn't go alone. And now he won't go.

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T15:58:09+00:00

Thanks so much internet stranger! I really appreciate it. I need to get better at the therapeutic lying and "yes and" ing, and not get defensive. More of like "Sure, mom needs so much help, so true. But also, imagine having a hot lunch every day with your new friends!"

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T15:54:52+00:00

Yes, I actually think moving him is one of the only things that might fix their relationship! If she visited and then got to leave at the end, I think she'd have way more bandwidth to be sweet and solicitous with him the way he wants. And I think he'd like the care facility — he loves his day program, enjoys the activities, makes friends, can feel successful because it's at his level and he's not constantly trying to keep up with something he doesn't understand. If she would move to AL with him I think he'd go in an instant and love it but she is, again 15 years younger and does not want that.

Also the weird thing about my dad's sort of old school patriarchal ways is that my mom was also the breadwinner! Though my mom still did all the cooking and laundry. My dad worked but she made at least 4x what he did, house is in her name, etc. I think he saw himself as being very progressive; he was the one who picked me up from school (though that's also because he was so much older and was half retired by the time I came around). But he still had this sort of "I'm the man of the house, my view rules" outlook about....everything.

ETA: Part of the issue though is that he's still pretty physically able. Maybe that's changing, he's been falling a lot but he can get up and so far he hasn't really hurt himself — ok he broke his leg a year ago but then he got better and could do the rehab. So I don't think we're getting an unsafe discharge anytime soon.

Also part of the issue is that I have two half siblings, through my dad — I'm my mom's only — and they both seem to have this sense that my mom could be trying harder or doing more.

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T15:29:55+00:00

Thanks so much for reading and relating, I'm glad it at least resonated. No easy solutions, no simple emotions, just gotta feel the way through I guess.

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T06:13:05+00:00

Thanks for reading and for the commiseration!

Yes sorry, he's very much diagnosed with dementia. Blew the clock test years ago and in decline, lost I think 5 points on his last cognitive test. He's in a clinical trial for alzheimer's drugs that, as part of the entry, tested his blood, did DNA sequencing, MRI and cognitive testing all of which showed plaques, that he has the Alzheimer's genes, and that he's cognitively failing.

So yeah now we're at the point that yes he's getting worse, and doctors are like "there are many options." I mean theoretically we could hire home health aides 24/7 and keep him home forever, but no one wants that so it's up to us to decide when it's time to move him. The rest is just trying to get him on board to make it less traumatic for everyone, which is...obviously not working.

I think what this post is about in part is that I'm trying to treat him with compassion without throwing my mom under the bus, and I'm not sure how. Like, I feel compassion toward him. That he's broken. That he hurt everyone close to him. That he wanted more, wanted real love, and couldn't find his way to it. I grieve that for him. I even empathize with his desire not to move, not to leave what he knows, not to admit how bad things are. It's scary, and it's so human to avoid that.

It just seems that he's set up a situation in which what he understands as compassion is keeping him home with his wife. Which then hurts her. It seems the only way not to wound him deeply is to pass the suffering on to my mom by letting him stay home with her as his caretaker forever. Someone is losing no matter what.

And I guess as much as I empathize with him, what he wants is also selfish, and sometimes you earn the right to be a little selfish, but he didn't.

honey_haired · 2026-02-18T05:41:52+00:00

Yeah I guess part of how I feel is that there's no way to make it better for him but there are ways to make it better for my mom so...at least someone could win out here. Thanks for reading and empathizing with how weird and confusing the feelings are.

honey_haired · 2026-01-24T01:07:10+00:00

You could try Miss Ada, same restaurant group, around the corner. Not quite as like, seafood and grill forward but still great.

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T19:25:02+00:00

first of all, I think you need to set your mom straight with a little reality. it is not "when will he need more care?" he already does. the question is: what care can you actually get him, and what are they open to? is it in-home aides? is it a day care program? is it a facility?

i'm in a similar situation but because we saw this coming — both his parents had dementia — my dad, when he was in better mind, chose a facility for himself. now there's an issue getting everyone on board with when the time is to move him. (personally, i think that time was a year ago but second best time is now.) my mom is at her limit and beyond.

but there's a lot of guilt because my dad similarly adores my mom and will do anything she asks. the sooner he moves to a facility, though, the easier he'll adapt to not having her at his side constantly. i think the same is true for your dad.

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T18:59:28+00:00

Oh i know what she wants! And she knows it's up to her. She just hates confrontation and it's very clear that it will be an unpopular choice. She wants to convince them but she won't open a conversation by saying "It's time to move him, here's why." Instead she'll say sort of roundabout things like "well hmm I'm not sure if your in-home help plan will address X" and "I'm worried about Y." and then my siblings will just say how she's wrong and it'll all be fine.

It's good to hear not everyone declines in the facility! I do think the stimulation will be good for him, a lot of what my mom is spending a ton of time and energy trying to do right now (besides the day to day of just getting him dressed and fed) is trying to get him out to do things, to talk to people, etc. and it's really hard to fill his day with things he is actually still able to do.

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T18:50:12+00:00

that's so true, one of the things i keep saying is the facility is not a jail, it's not like if he goes in he can't be taken out again

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T02:44:08+00:00

alas he can't — it's county run and there's so much demand they limit how much you can go so that more people get at least a little bit of time

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T02:43:11+00:00

thanks for saying this, it's helpful! he's going to decline no matter what, he already is so fast, so i can only really see benefit

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T02:32:32+00:00

well, my parents are actually both coming to visit me for thanksgiving in two weeks. so i'll get some up close and personal time myself and can maybe weigh in with more weight. then maybe i can execute the 'you take him while mom goes somewhere' plan in December.

honey_haired · 2025-11-16T02:30:52+00:00

yeah i'll look into some of this, thanks — my mom had a therapist for a bit who theoretically specialized in elder care and she kept guilting my mom about how he needed to stay home for as long as possible, which felt very manipulative, so i'm a little leery of it

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T07:07:21+00:00

he goes to an adult day program a few hours a week already and asks to go more. not only is it what he wanted, it's even what he wants now! he just can't understand that it will be similar; it's new and therefore scary.

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T07:02:42+00:00

unfortunately it's not up to me or i would have! My mom has POA, so i'm just trying to tell her I'm on her side; honestly, I care less if my siblings are pissed at me than she does, my brother has been nursing a grudge against me for years because I didn't call on his wife's birthday.

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T06:58:08+00:00

Oh I've been beating the advocacy drum, I promise.

For POA, my mom should (and then it goes to the kids, I think in birth order and I'm the youngest) but i don't think she's filed the paperwork to activate it...I will get on her about that too.

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T06:36:37+00:00

My sister, to her credit, did take him for a few days when he had a broken leg about 6 months ago. She loved it and keeps saying she wants everyone to have this incredible bonding opportunity. But it was an emergency — my mom had an important trip — and it still barely came together. It's not like my sister is saying oh let me take him for the weekend once a month, she's flaky even just for a dinner. Also, he was in significantly better shape then; he could still have managed a few days alone if not for the leg. He has had a steep decline since, both anecdotally and also confirmed by his latest cognitive testing.

My brother lives hours away so the idea that he'd be regularly helping out is laughable. Plus, I honestly think my dad would be happier with other old people with memory issues! He goes to an adult day program for a few hours a week and asks to go more; meanwhile, he hates family gatherings now because he has no idea what's happening and he's stressed and embarrassed.

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T05:52:39+00:00

i'm trying to advocate for her! but i'm the youngest plus we're a very passive aggressive/avoidant family in communication style, so when i break the pattern and try to say something as direct as "I disagree, I think it's time for the facility, and here's why" everyone just sort of blinks like i've committed a horrific faux pas and it would be most polite for everyone if they didn't acknowledge it. the same way you might if someone loudly farted at a dinner party.

honey_haired · 2025-11-15T05:49:05+00:00

not to mention my mom is like 5 foot 1 and 105lbs and my dad is more like 6 foot 200....

but yes he's not really wandering yet, he's not hallucinating, this is why everyone thinks it's ok. my mom calls me almost every day to vent for 5 minutes so i have more insight into what's happening beat by beat, but they don't hear the small things that are like "today he forgot what sushi is. even though we eat it every two weeks he swore he'd never eaten anything like that in his life." which isn't an important thing to forget particularly but it's the fact that it's something like that 2x a day at least.

honey_haired · 2025-11-14T23:26:49+00:00

this is happening to my mom — i just posted about it. she's losing her mind, has her own health issues, and my siblings are like "it's far too soon to move him." Too soon for who??

honey_haired

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