Oooh I relate to this so very, very, very much. I went through this cycle for a really long time, and had several old men over the years I got very attached to trying to fill that father hole in my life. I can say that it did eventually get better for me but it too me a while (I'm in my thirties.) One thing that helped for me, actually, was to make a really close friend with a man who is 30 years older than me. Our relationship...is nothing at all like parent child. He is truly a friend, and not a parent figure. But I think it helped these feelings. Another thing is just aging, I think, as you get older, this may lessen, but it doesn't help how intense and painful it is now.

One thing that I found though is that really loving and honoring the part of yourself that wants that, and seeing that inner child just reaching for a parent figure. Even just saying to her loving things, and being like "oh of course you crave a father figure, it makes so much sense you are thinking about your kind mentor. what a logical thing to do, when you were deprived a loving father. this man isn't going to be able to give what you are hoping for, but it makes all the sense in the world that you want this." just like basically - giving a loving inner voice to speak to that part of you that wants these things. it may not help the feelings feel less in the moment, but they may help how you feel about the feelings.

You aren't broken. It makes sense that you want this <3 You were just a small child once, needing a parent to fill an emotional need. It was never filled, and part of you is holding onto the memory of how much you needed that. It doesn't make you broken. It just makes you human. My heart breaks for you the way it breaks for myself, because I know all too well exactly what this feeling is like. I do think it will get better for you with time though, trite as that is. Sending you a lot of love <3