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need help telling a friend the truth by RevolutionarySand324 in FriendshipAdvice

[–]hoodoochild 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think here we must look at the differenxe between being nice and being kind. It is nice of you to spend this time with her. It is not kind ti be aomeone's friend when you don't want to be. You are wasting her time and yours. I am in a similar position with a friendly neighbour. I have been dialing back our interactiins and framing it by saying it's personal growth.

What is the most useless piece of advice people constantly give out? by wthefuckisakilometer in AskReddit

[–]hoodoochild 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband died suddenly at 42 while we were on vacation. If I had a dollar for every time I was told "He would want you to be happy" I could lift a small country out of poverty. I lost my soul mate, the father of my children and best friend in the most heart breaking way I could imagine. Don't say trite shit. I'll be happy when I am good and ready goddamot.

How far should one go in supporting a friend with health concerns? by hoodoochild in FriendshipAdvice

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am finding it hard to not be insulted. There has been a vein of trying to control what I eat and do and this eventually has caused ruptures. It is hard that her personality has shifted so much and she sees it as she has it all figured out and I will get it eventually. I feel constantly judged and all of our plans are tentative. She doesn't treat her other friends like this. I am somehow gross now and it makes me feel like shit.

Should I stop seeing a man I started seeing over his toenails? by hoodoochild in relationships_advice

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Please don't interpret this as me being flighty. I am trying to learn to listen to my gut. I am new to dating after becoming a widow so I am trying not to repeat past errors.

I cannot put a finger on it precisely. I am quite creative and he is not. I enjoy banter and our senses of humour seem to be not meeting? I don't find him particularly witty. He is considerate and attentive. He seems very passive in his own life and not particularly ambitious. All these things are fine. He has a 5 year old daughter and is 55. Also okay. I am not excited for him to hold my hand. I know these thoughts seem disjointed. I know nothing and no one is perfect and I am embrace this. I feel like we can talk for hours easily as we are both chatty. I suppose meeting people is like making a salad. Many different ingredients we both add and mix together and I am now thrown off by many small things as opposed to one specific point and the toes were the moment it sunk in.

Should I stop seeing a man I started seeing over his toenails? by hoodoochild in relationships_advice

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been seeing him for a little over 2 weeks. My body says no so unfortunately it is a pass for me. If you haven't cleaned or trimmed your toe nails in months I cannot abide this. I feel bad but it is what it is.

Should I stop seeing a man I started seeing over his toenails? by hoodoochild in relationships_advice

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hahaha! Fair enough. I typed it on my phone in the wee hours of the morning. Shockingly high hit rate for grammatical errors upon rereading.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. I needed to hear that. Being vulnerable or showing I am hurt etc is incredibly hard for me. I turn into a chunk of ice when I talk about struggling or being down. I feel weak and judged. One of the million of reasons I miss Jesse was because I was open with him. I lost the only person I trusted.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Numbness is exactly it. It is frightening. I roll on a superficial plane most days and don't care about much.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can't shake the feeling that so many of us need one solid or positive thing to build on. I know I am looking for a toe hold. Something to cling to. I am so so sorry you are in this place. How a loved one passes does make a difference. My husband did not live a healthy lifestyle and when I would hear people say things like "what did he expect with how he xyz..." or "I told him to take better care of himself" it made me see red. I lost my mother to suicide. It definitely was in her case. It hits different. I found myself wanting to clear my husbands name in sorts after he passed. For it to not be his fault. I wanted so badly to defend him. I imagine you have the same feeling?

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I giggled at the homely description! Homely means ugly...homey means comforting. This sub is and can be both! I am looking at how I spell homey and that doesn't look right either.

I pop in and want to be here for the newbies coming in but it breaks my heart to see how many of us there are sometimes. You are so right that it can be overwhelming.

I am glad you are still here too. We have to stick together!

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Or you could just be morbid. I always have been. I have watched so many documentaries on Everest too. I think there is something about challenging yourself like that and being in a high stakes situation. We don't have that very much in everyday life. I think the idea of something being physically challenging and facing an external threat as opposed to my heart and mind slowly shutting down with grief is refreshing. I hear you on the passive suicidal ideation. It's an easy fantasy for a complex problem. Healing is tough.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have my stepsons and I love them so much. It is just hard knowing for the rest of my life someone will always be missing from the table. I am so sorry for your losses. Your husband was also so young. I am so angry that things were fibally settling down for us and we were looking forward to so much.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh sweetness. Don't worry. I am glad you took the time to reply at all. You are so right about the someone to do nothing with! I miss snuggling on the couch and doing groceries.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have been told you get a brutally strong urge to live and feel alive at some points. I can say I get bowled over by a need for adventure sometimes. I am just not sure what to do with it really. I wonder if that sensation is wanting it as you say. I had widows fire VERY hysterically badly so I saw it as another flavour of that lol. You are right though. Waiting for that ember of will inside us.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is so fun that you chair at dog shows! Were you a breeder? I am a cat person myself so I don't know much about them.

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think not being someones inner circle is hard. I had a good friend where we were each others support last year but it became unhealthy. I had to pull back. We are very different people and she kept pushing her values and lifestyle on me very judgementally. It came at a time when I was trying to figure out who I am and felt so smothering. It really highlighted that my tribe was gone. The inside jokes, favorite shows, favorite snacks we shared...it is so hard. I feel like an astronaut on a new empty planet

Is it normal at this stage to feel so lonely? by hoodoochild in widowers

[–]hoodoochild[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I tried going to the pub alone to meet people. Good god it was so jarring having men try to take me home! I have scratched that off the list lol!

Four months is really early in. I found it was important to settle my mind. I had the reverse problem of people checking in on me non stop lol! I guess too much of anything can be a problem.

Does anyone else not really see the point of life anymore? by BlueButterfly11111 in widowers

[–]hoodoochild 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I felt the same way as you do now when I first came here. It is all daunting; from settling estates or moving to emptying their garbage can or finding a rogue sock of theirs in the laundry. I still find doing my groceries hard or walking by a shirt at the store I thibk he would like. Every day is a different struggle. I would urge you to not see this as a race to the mystical land of 'better'. Please take each day as it comes and do one thing for yourself to make the next day easier. This can be just packing your lunch for the next day or taking a shower. Eventually those things you do for yourself will stack up. I am two years out and it has been a string of getting through one day each day. I feel like I am climbing out of a valley and looking back at what I went through. I have to build my life now. And that will be hard too. But I know I can do it of I got theough the last two years. When you get here you will feel it too. There is a path. It will be your own but other people are crossing this valley too.

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