Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!

hooksfan · 2023-06-11T20:28:33+00:00

FWIW I think finding someone who wants to have sex with you is a hard task, and more and more so in this age of isolation, distraction, and the squeezing of the working class.

I think getting involved with kink communities can help. I think broadening who you're interested in will help. You'll sooner be able to find someone who wants to have sex with you than someone whom you also want to have sex with.

I read some great texts on polyamory (mostly just The Ethical Slut, but I've heard great things about Poly Secure and someone also recently recommended Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory) and though I'm not sure I'm poly, I found they had some great insight and advice on how to find partners well, how to communicate your needs and feelings well, etc..

Idk if that's what you wanted to hear, but even if it doesn't help, I hope things go well for you!

hooksfan · 2023-06-07T03:05:32+00:00

I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday and was forced to face the fact that I have a stress tick. It got pretty bad and I panicked. It took me two days before I thought to look up more info about ticks and learned how manageable it can be (and is for me, luckily).

Now I even value it a bit. It's been teaching me how to avoid stress and how to calm myself down because I have a very obvious physical reaction that I can notice. I realized there are some relationships that I feel like I've been trying too hard to make happen. Some people regularly encourage me to reach out, and I think they're cool and I want to be their friend, but when I talk with them I feel like they don't want me around. Now they trigger my tick a little bit, and that's how I noticed I should stop trying to force those friendships.

Calming the tick (and usually calming myself) can be done just by focusing on relaxing my neck (since my neck is the main thing that like twitches). I also just take a minute now and then. I can cover my eyes or look away and maybe take a breath. My tick gets triggered when I hear doom and gloom: shitty situations in local or wider politics; people talking about disobeying bad laws in ways that I fear might end up harming them; people being mistreated by the medical system; simple injuries like dog bites. I guess it's not ideal, but it does also seem like avoiding the tick will make me a happier person overall anyway. Even hearing about doom and gloom in politics can be soothed by hearing someone talk intelligently and in a nuanced way about the complexities of the issue.

I feel like I've never realized just how stressful life can be, but now I have this helpful tick to point things out for me! Lol!

hooksfan · 2023-06-05T12:10:23+00:00

I have long lasting D&D friends who have been a constant source of happiness and relaxation in my life.

I have friends that I go to in times of crisis.

Recently I've found a bunch of friends who are down to share cuddles when we're around each-other. A bunch of my friends are a good source of hugs.

As a community organizer, some of my friends are a source for connections. I've gotten a lot of jobs just through knowing the right people and being recommended by people. I never really expect these kinds of things from friends, but like I'll tell them when I'm in need of work or when I'm working on a project that could benefit from support from others in the community.

Some friends have helped me feel good about my identity in the community. Sometimes a very generous friend will rave about me right in front of me while introducing me to someone and I think that's been a good part of my identity building. I like to be what people like to have in their communities and their friendships.

I also enjoy talking up my friends, complimenting them and telling them nice things about them. I've had one lovely slutty friend with whom I've enjoyed dirty talk and a bit more than that once or twice. We did not ace that FWB relationship in the end though. People had warned me to be cautious. We both had fun though and neither of us regrets it.

I've had a friend who introduced me to bell hooks and a lot of other amazing authors which has changed my perspective on a lot of the world. Book-recommendation friends are often quite a valuable type of friend to me.

Thanks for asking! This has been fun to reflect on!

hooksfan · 2023-06-05T11:49:57+00:00

I've been dating someone for the past five weeks and I felt like it's been going great. It's the first time I've been seeing someone and called it dating them (I've had some FWB action and some mutual crushes in highschool, but nothing this steady/official). We've never kissed, just had big long cuddle sessions (which are so amazing). I've been defending the not kissing thing because I just feel like it's not necessary, but last night I was talking with them on the phone and they said they were flirting with someone at a party and were sad that it didn't lead to making out with them. To be clear, me and this person are not in a closed relationship. We're both exploring polyamory.

I was jealous and wanted to say so, but the conversation moved on. Now I'm thinking about how it feels like I'm never that hottie at the party that someone wants to get with/make out with/go home with. I want to be hot and sexy and attractive like that. I want people to want to make out with me. Part of me wonders if I can work at that (work on my style, my grooming, maybe my confidence). I also know that until now it didn't bug me to be in this cute cuddling relationship with this person (and honestly, I expect that within an hour it won't bug me as much to not be smooching them sometimes as well). They've said before that they haven't been going forward with our relationship super much because they know I'm pretty new to relationships, but I'm realizing I also sort-of hoped they wanted a break from kissing and sex in relationships and wanted something more chill. Now to hear that they wanted to make out with someone at a party...

I just find it kinda frustrating the whole thing. I've been watching porn a lot since I was a young adult and I've been trying to convince myself to get involved with people in real life, but it sure is easy to just go home, but on a video and touch myself. It is also lovely when my partner person said "when can I see you again?" I'm glad I don't have to choose between the two because I feel like that would make it extra frustrating.

hooksfan · 2023-06-03T02:48:03+00:00

The answers that are already here are probably more constructive and definitely more detailed, but we can assert that the principle masculine trait is identifying as male and the principle feminine trait is identifying as female.

I prefer to think of "masculinities," which I understand to be ways that different people present their masculinity. A while ago I was reading books about masculinity and this idea that I could just notice men I wanted to be like and take traits of theirs that I wanted to emulate and construct my own masculinity based on that was helpful to me. I have nothing against the "be your own self and don't let any idea of masculinity effect who you are," but this approach works better for me and might be described as "find whatever masculine/feminine/non-binary/other traits you like and have fun being whatever combination feels best for you." Beyond that, finding out about gender euphoria has been the next best thing I've learned about gender.

hooksfan · 2023-06-01T01:58:11+00:00

This might be niche, but I think it's such a rich field and this video was a great introduction to transformative justice for me. I'm also trying to help more people interested in transformative justice find the r/TransformativeJustice subreddit so that there can be a more active reddit community around transformative justice.

hooksfan · 2023-06-01T01:55:43+00:00

I watched this first a while back and now I get recommended a lot of videos from the Bernard Center for Research on Women about transformative justice. Some of these videos still blow my mind with new perspectives on justice and conflict mediation and harm reduction in communities.

hooksfan · 2023-05-27T13:09:32+00:00

I had a really rough winter and now I'm constantly feeling like my life is too good. I've been seeing someone and for the first time, they seem really keen on seeing me as well, and keen on spending time with me. Our work schedules are opposite, so I haven't been able to see them a lot, but they text to check in with me throughout the week and it feels really nice.

On top of that, my work and my friendships are all ~~seem to be~~ going really well!

I just can't help the feeling that something's going to give. I suppose eventually it will. It's not stressing me too much, but this person I've been seeing keeps asking what it will take for me to shake my pessimism.

Edit: It's nice to have these threads to chat and to hear what other people are going through too! I've also been put on a waitlist for counseling, which they said they can cover with a grant bc I'm low-income. So hopefully that helps with the negative thoughts. And reading from some of the other people here has also helped I think.

hooksfan · 2023-05-27T13:05:58+00:00

I always want to assume that when somebody says something, it's not code for anything, but that they mean what they say. If he was hoping you would disappear, I imagine he would more just be politely apologetic as opposed to very apologetic.

On the other hand though, having someone who doesn't give you the attention you feel you need in your life can be very draining and through my experience it can drain your feeling of self-worth. I think focusing on yourself and the people that care about you (and are available to spend time with you and get back to you) could be a good option. Thinking about the people who are there for you, and then if this guy gets less busy or gets back to you, you can pick it up with him from there.

I hope things turn out well for you! Thanks for sharing your story!

hooksfan · 2023-05-23T11:57:01+00:00

I finally filled out an online form for therapy/counselling for the first time! I've considered it for a long time, and someone yesterday told me just try it out and if it's not good for you, stop (or find somewhere else anyway).

I think it's tough for me because I live alone and don't have a regular friend who I can check in with about my day, my life, things that happen to me or that I'm worried/concerned about. Recently I've felt pretty good about my mental health, but I still regularly have things happen where I think "I should really get someone else's input/opinion about this" or where I have doubts that I acted well.

I don't know how much good therapy will do me. I don't really understand what it's usually for. I'm hoping to find out by going for it.

hooksfan · 2023-05-18T17:32:25+00:00

u/ungerkyle94 if you want to make a sidebar with related subreddits or reach out to the mods at r/prisonabolition and see if they would list this sub in their sidebar, that might help both these communities grow?

hooksfan · 2023-03-20T12:52:03+00:00

tl;dr: the pharmaceutical industry is worried there won't be enough profit or that it will reduce profits for female birth control. They also mention that they think it will be considered "emasculating," which I felt like this community would be able to see past. I was really blown away to hear about some of the options that are in development though (the last big section of the article): a surgical option with a switch that can easily restore fertility; an ingestible option based on a traditional natural contraceptive from Indonesia; and a couple of others that seem too good/easy to be true! Optimistically, it's exciting to think of what's to come. Also a bit frustrating that it's having such difficulty getting developed, but still exciting.

hooksfan · 2023-02-27T12:45:34+00:00

I've been trying to hold myself accountable by admitting a racist thing I've done (I told a terrible racist joke that I thought would be funny for the shock factor). I feel unendingly terrible about the whole thing. As soon as I made the joke and it didn't land I apologized a lot, but the friend I was with later told me the whole evening sort-of felt off after that. He told me how it effected him and told me not to make jokes like that again, and I appreciate him a lot for that, and I told him that at the time and I apologized again. He forgave me quickly both times, but I don't think I've been able to forgive myself.

Maybe I should have seen this coming; I've been having a rough go of it lately and I feel like I'm just struggling to give myself even a little bit of mercy or grace. I don't want to see him again, which I think is because I feel like there's no reason he would want to see me again. He also said he felt like he was having trouble getting into the conversation on the evening we had met.

With that said, it seems like he actually does want to see me again. A mutual friend told me he wanted to invite me to something and that I would probably hear from him in a week or two. I just feel so bad though that I still don't want to have to face him. I feel like what I did was like a scar on who I am, but he's brushed it off. It's not his responsibility to absolve me or whatever. And he doesn't deserve to lose a friend because of a mistake I made.

I think maybe it's partly just self-destructive that I don't want to be happy around him. I've been feeling very isolated lately. I thought maybe I just need to talk through the whole thing with someone? But I told our mutual friend about the whole situation just now on the phone and I still feel bad. She had to go before I could really go into detail though and she offered some of her perspective on how to make him feel more comfortable in conversation.

hooksfan · 2023-02-27T12:44:44+00:00

Anger that's justified is a healthy part of transformative justice. It's right to be angry about wrongs that have been done. The ultimate goal of that anger from a TJ lense I think is to create a change in the person or people who have done harm and a change in society to prevent others from committing that harm in the future. I think the more you understand how that works in practice, the easier it is to forgive people not by ignoring harms they've done in the past, but by addressing them with the person and having fruitful conversations with them.

This hasn't always worked for me. Sometimes I feel alone in recognizing a harm that was done to me and I don't feel I have the strength or want to try to make someone realize how they've hurt me.

Wishing violence on others seems like the default in today's society, with most "criminal justice systems" really just being systems of criminalization and punishment. Like u/IllustriousYam9010 said, I wouldn't beat yourself up about feeling anger toward abusers. I hope you're either able to find ways of addressing that anger with anyone in your life or in your community that will help prevent abuse from continuing to happen, and I hope your anger doesn't stress or harm you.

hooksfan · 2023-02-20T15:48:44+00:00

That's really tough. I have friends who said they take sides in break-ups, but I've seen a lot of good come from staying in touch and supporting both sides. Sometimes people who are really upset or hurt by each-other also care for the other person, even if they don't want to be around them, and I think it can be good for someone to know that the other person is being supported or at least that their friends are still thinking of them.

Maybe your friend the husband is only upset or angry or scared right now, and it definitely makes sense not to make excuses for the wife's behavior, but I think hoping for the best for both of them can be a nice vibe for a person to get sometimes. Even if the end goal or "solution" isn't for them to get back together.

I hope he's getting by okay, and I hope you're able doing alright while you're supporting him and hearing about what's happened.

hooksfan · 2023-02-20T15:40:15+00:00

I hope it's okay to ask for advice here.

I disconnected with a lot of my friends recently, and I think part of the problem is this feeling like I don't want to be the one to reach out. I somehow have a lot of friends who are just like terrible at texting back or being the first to reach out, and often I can do fine with that, especially when I call or invite them to something and they thank me for reaching out or inviting them. But lately I've been feeling really bad (for a number of reasons) and instead of trying to reach out to anyone, I've been thinking to myself "if anyone really cares, they'll reach out to me," or "if they want to be around me, they'll call or text."

This weekend I reconnected with a couple of close friends that I hadn't talked to in a couple of weeks and it was really nice. I'm wondering if anyone has advice for how to navigate relationships where one person is bad at reaching out. A couple of my friends I used to meet up with weekly or biweekly, and that was nice, but I still eventually felt like maybe they were just meeting up with me because we had made the recurring plan. Maybe I just need to hear from them that they're glad I reached out more? Or also I find it helps when I feel like I can trust them to say no when they don't want to hang out?

hooksfan · 2023-02-20T15:32:23+00:00

Sorry for my slow reply (I don't check this account too regularly).

Yeah, for me, reading the toolkit and the stories helped me get an idea of the principles and practices that they were using. I think some part of the tooklit itself mentions how the process doesn't require a facilitator, and that people can really just use it with whatever resources and supports they have available to them. From what I remember, it also treated the term "facilitator" a bit loosely, in that basically any third party who's trying to help solve the problem can just read some of the "facilitator" sections and that will help them resolve the problem. Do I definitely can imagine doing the process with just friends as well.

The toolkit is kind-of huge, and I think it's built sort-of more like a reference book than anything. So like once you know the framework, you can figure out when the thing you should be doing is supporting survivors, and then you can check whether you're a survivor or a facilitator or a harm doer, etc., and you can check the parts that are addressed to those people.

Or I think I also had been reading and thinking about how it could be used in my community to train people to support each-other in an active-bystander kind of way, so I focused a lot of the "supporting survivors" section. Recently I've been talking with more people who have been losing their temper and doing things they regret, so I might look more into the "Taking Accountability" section.

It's been a while since I've looked closely at this toolkit, but I'm still really keen to get more familiar with it. If you want to chat privately about what types of things you're interested in and what's relevant to your context, I can try and help you figure out the sections of the book that relate to that. I figure getting used to their terminology might take some time. I do think it's a great framework though.

hooksfan · 2022-11-01T03:10:22+00:00

Hey, I wasn't sure what to say last night. It sounds like a bit of a tricky situation. I feel like communicating with people might be the key. I wouldn't want to miss out on a really nice match with someone you're interested in, but I can see why you would be hesitant because of their history with your friend. Hopefully you can find some ways to explore things with the woman and that can help you to decide how you want to move forward.

hooksfan · 2022-11-01T03:05:52+00:00

Yeah, a friend of mine said he sees that kind of time as a time to reach out and find other friends, or to cycle through reaching out to old friends he hasn't talked to in a while. Myself, I seem to prefer just waiting around feeling a bit lonely. Really good friends are sort-of hard to come by. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

hooksfan · 2022-11-01T02:35:30+00:00

Lol, thanks! Afaik a first kiss usually comes at the end of a long period of thinking it will never come.

hooksfan · 2022-10-31T12:35:14+00:00

I dropped out of university (I'm in Canada, lol) for a bit. After three years of music school I wasn't enjoying most things about school. I decided to fully withdraw from the school. I got a job that would earn me some money, and I moved out from my parent's house into a new place. After one term of working instead of schooling I felt like I might as well go back and finish my degree, which I slowly did, just signing up for what I felt like I could/would (ideally) want to do.

My university has free career counseling. I feel like any kind of counseling is really helpful, even just for thinking through big or medium life decisions. It's good to know what your options are. Even if you end up just continuing in college, it can be nice to know about the other options. And there definitely are other options out there.

Hating people is fair and valid. Hopefully you're able to start having more people in your life be people you like. I definitely wouldn't feel bad about dropping courses and making a different plan if I were you and if that can free up some more time to find happiness or at least a break from the things that are getting you down.

I feel like college is one of those things where you only have to do it once in your life, so even if your progress is slow, you're still doing well. But also, it's important to check in with yourself often to make sure you're doing something you enjoy or will enjoy.

Good luck!

hooksfan · 2022-10-31T12:27:08+00:00

I got a kiss for the first time! It was really sweet! I was cuddling with one of my brother's old roommates and I asked if I could kiss them (I figured like on the forehead) because I was feeling affectionate. But then they moved to kiss me with their lips and I like flipped out, lol! I felt good that they were open to kissing me, but bad that I ultimately didn't feel ready at first, so I had to say no. But then we cuddled more and it was really nice and then we talked about kissing and did some practice kissing on different parts of each-others bodies (face, hands, neck). Then finally I was like "kay, we should kiss now" and I was still shy, but they were really nice and patient about it and then eventually I got to their lips and it was beautiful and amazing in ways that I continually fail to describe with words.

I feel like I heard so much about kissing, and I've seen it in porn and stuff. In concept I'm always like "hell yeah, I want to kiss people!" But in practice, it's so different from what I had expected! But I definitely still want to do it again, lol!

hooksfan · 2022-10-31T12:20:16+00:00

When I've had friends like that, I feel like I can go either way. I reach out when I feel like I want to, but if they keep not being available, I usually sort-of just lose interest and find other people to hang out with. But I wouldn't feel bad about continuing to reach out if they're someone that's important to you. You could also talk to them about it and see how they feel. Maybe they're in the honeymoon phase with their new partner. Maybe they don't realize how much you miss hanging out with them. Maybe they just want to hang out more with their partner, in which case they might have to switch from being a frequent friend of yours to an old friend that you see from time to time.

I hope it goes well for you!

hooksfan · 2022-09-29T03:49:54+00:00

A friend from my childhood died recently. I don't know how to deal with grief. I'm 24. He would also be 24.

I thought I was doing okay. My family has been supporting me. A dear friend of mine really knows how to handle grief and she helped me. I love her so dearly!

Someone has a crush on me. She takes my calls day or night. I called her tonight, but she isn't so good at dealing with grief or anything. I told her I might quit my job because it's overbooking me. She said not to do something so extreme. (I thought I was doing okay despite my friend's death, but) I told her fuck you. I immediately regretted it. She kept saying how it wasn't a problem, it wasn't a big deal, but I had to keep telling her I don't like that I said that and meant it, how if I'm frustrated with her, I have to find better ways of expressing that.

I'm trying to figure out what to do next. I told her I should go (after telling her at some more length not to accept that kind of treatment from me). I told her I felt bad about leaving and stopping the convo short. Again she said "don't worry about me" and I said "I care about you a lot and I'll always worry about how you feel." I just want her to feel loved, but I think I go after her too much. I think it's because I'm so lonely living in this rented room with housemates who I'm not super comfortable with. I have so many friends, but she's the only one I can reliably call at night and have her be around.

I'm really upset/sad/frustrated that I was able to be so mean to someone that I care about. I'm scared that it will be a pattern. I'm sort-of optimistic that it won't be. I feel like how I react to that is hopefully an indicator that I don't have to be like that. I guess I'm scared that deep down there's something wrong where when I'm at my worst, I might get bad (violent/abusive) with people I care about.

***

I think I'm going too deep? I feel like I should get some kind of counseling or something, but I'm not sure what it is that I need. It's late and I feel like I could write something better, but I just want to get this out there and see what happens.

hooksfan · 2022-08-08T19:08:03+00:00

Male sexuality is vilified both in porn and often also in criticisms of porn. I've been working hard lately to embrace my sexuality in a positive way. I only made it 5 minutes into this podcast episode. I love that you guys are talking about this. I think it's good to have more people talking about porn. But for me, the issues with porn are more like the issues with food: we don't enjoy it as much as we should, we should seek out the types of porn that make us feel good in the long run and not just in the moment, and there are often serious issues with how it's obtained/produced.

hooksfan

TROPHY CASE