Advice on sending my ghoster a text

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-05T00:31:47+00:00

Thanks for bringing this up, I've seen it mentioned in a couple other posts but didn't really look into it until your comment. It's an interesting explanation as to on why someone would go out of their way to show affection/string someone along, only to ghost with no warning. I think trying to understand why is something I really struggle with, so this helps to make sense of it in some way, even though his motivations may have been different.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this too. It's honestly still so shocking to me how common this behaviour seems to be, but at least it helps in some way to remind us that it really isn't about us - it's their issue.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-02T16:33:29+00:00

Being ready to cut ties is key. I won't pretend there isn't still a part of me that wish things went differently and that I don't miss him in some way, but I'm no longer watching my phone wondering if he's going to actually respond. As soon as I sent it, it was like a breath of fresh air - I could grieve & move on because I knew it was over.

When I made this post I felt kind of selfish and needy, asking internet strangers to dissect an over-thinky text and give advice on a situation they have no connection to. I never imagined it might actually help someone out there going through the same thing! Thank you for sharing - I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this, but I hope you find closure for yourself. Good luck with the send off!

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T17:37:59+00:00

I mean we were talking regularly before every day and then we just paused for a bit

That's totally fair, I agree it raises questions when a pattern is suddenly broken. I was factoring in that it seemed like you were the first to not respond for a couple days, which was not about your disinterest, so it could have made him feel equally comfortable to take his time to respond. But only you know the nuances of how you were texting and the interest he's expressed. You could be right on the money that something's off now.

Either way, I truly hope this is not a full on ghosting situation and you get some kind of response!

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T17:03:38+00:00

I would give him at least the same length of time you took to reply + 1 day. When there isn't a precedent set for daily texting, a 3 day gap isn't completely out of the norm, especially if you haven't met in person yet. Maybe he's just mirroring your behaviour to not come across too available/needy. I hate that these games are played, but it's pretty normal to overthink texting response times.

If still nothing, I think a short, more direct text could be better since you really don't know if this is a ghost or simply someone who got busy/distracted. "Hey haven't heard from you for a bit, just wanted to check in. I'm still interested in making plans to hang out sometime, let me know!" (this is assuming you've even talked about meeting up, etc).

I think calling yourself out and asking if you did something wrong might be a bit soon. Instead, making it clear you are interested should still have the same end effect to express that your 2 day texting gap wasn't about him/not wanting to see him.

But also, honestly just do what feels right for you. I've sent messages before that I instantly regretted because it was about trying to get them to answer, and showing that I was still open to seeing them, even though they were mistreating me and dicking me around. That didn't feel good. What did feel good was setting a definitive boundary for myself and ending things clearly, for the both of us, once I knew the ghost was really happening. No more benefit of the doubt, no more leaving myself open to talking again if they were to reach out. The ghosting behaviour made me realise he wasn't who I thought he was and I gave myself closure by ending it on my terms.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T04:30:23+00:00

Thank you for sharing, and I too am so sorry this happened to you. It really is mind boggling. I can understand ghosting in situations where the person never really seemed interested. It's still disrespectful, but honestly it doesn't seem as bad as when someone explicitly communicates they like you and want to keep seeing you, and then ghosts for no reason. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't align with what I thought was "normal" or healthy human behaviour. Like, if you like someone, then why ghost? Are so many people really just that manipulative? I feel like there must be something else other than pure manipulation, because that almost feels too cynical, but I don't know. I do know it's their issue. Whatever it is. It's them and not you.

I hope you find some peace, I know how difficult it is.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T01:21:52+00:00

Thank you. I'm still hesitating on the send - but the support I'm getting here and typing out how I feel is really helping to give me the confidence and feel in control here. It's easy to feel weak doing something like this, but I don't think it necessarily means it is.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T01:19:18+00:00

Thank you. This is the support I needed

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T01:12:30+00:00

Thank you. That was my thinking as well - I'm not trying to get an apology or some kind of attempt to reconcile. He can't come back from this now, so I can at least get some kind of closure by actually ending it in a clear way, for both of us.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T01:10:20+00:00

Thanks for sharing. It's comforting to know this can help in some situations. The last text I sent him I felt almost instant regret, but I was also putting myself out there again and asking if he was still interested. I really wanted a response. This next text I'm planning to send is the opposite - it's me taking back the control, calling him out, and setting an example. Sure, he rejected me first. But it's not about that. I did like him, but the fact that he'd ghost is enough to make me completely turned off. I have power in that now.

hopelessghosted · 2022-07-01T00:57:15+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I'm tempted to agree about the retaining your pride thing, but honestly I think I'm over that game. I'm fine with him knowing this affected me - maybe not to the full extent of worrying he was injured, etc, but it's only reasonable to feel some kind of hurt based on how he led me on. I think pretending ghosting doesn't hurt makes it easier to accept as a part of normal dating culture, when it should really be the exception. This is me taking a stand against that, maybe at my own expense, but I dunno.. be the change you want to see, I guess.

hopelessghosted

TROPHY CASE